Thanks Jean. I don't know why I am still hurting this much after so many months. It's been two years since the first time STBX ever mentioned the D word, 14 months since he seriously talked about it, and 8 and 1/2 months since he moved out.

I have to accept that he is gone and may never come back. I thought I was doing better but am still having difficulty doing so.

I am upset with myself that I ALLOWED myself to get hurt again by trusting him and by having some false hope.

STBX is an alien, I do not understand him. And I cannot expect that I can figure him out. His family does not understand him, so I cannot either.

Even if God may have a plan for DS3 and me, and the whole thing might have made me and my son stronger, I really wish we did not have to go through this. I don't know how STBX does this and justify that this is better for all of us. I know he belives (or tries to believe) that if he stays with me, he will always be unhappy and that is not good for DS3, so divorcing is actually a good thing for DS3 in the long run. I don't believe in it, because we can improve our relationship whole a lot, and I know DS3 will appreciate our efforts and love and committement to stay together no matter what. But I can't convince him and no one could reason him.

I feel lonely now, as his family has pretty much given up on us and does not say anything about our divorce anymore. They still support me, but we do not talk about this subject anymore. I feel people have moved on, and I am the only one who is still in the same old spot.

Hi Milk,
I was led to go find you today.
I'm sorry your STBX has turned into more of an alien.
I know the feeling of loneliness too.
People do move on, but that is when he real work of healing can begin.
God does have a plan for you and DS3.
Just know that God loves and care for you both.

I'm glad your in-laws still support you. Mine do too,but they still don't understand what happened. Why their son doesn't want to work on his marriage.
Love,
VTY

It's great to hear from you again VTY. More upsetting things happened Fri and Sat., but DS3 and I are now leaving for church so I will write about it later.

MS,

How r u doing?

L.

Orchid, thanks for asking. I am not doing too good, but okay. DS3 and I had a busy and good weekend, but I am sad. I guess I am just depressed. I keep telling myself that just get over with this, don't worry about money, it will be okay and don't let STBX's actions make me upset, it is not worth it, etc. But I am still depressed.

DS3 and I were at STBX's brother's house yesterday. And his wife told me she understands every single word that is coming out of my mouth about STBXH - because my BIL has the same issues as STBXH, and she completely understands. The only difference is that BIL is Christian. STBX does not want to hear anything that is not convenient for him. And their sister is also very lazy and selfish. And it depresses me, because (1) I am getting divorced, (2) EVEN IF he comes back, he will still be the lazy/selfish person, because that is how his siblings are and I don't think he will ever change, and (3) I am depressed about divorcing such man!!!

No matter how you slice it, I feel sad and hopeless sometimes.

Hi Milkshake,
Sorry that you are having a tough time right now.
I think that having lots of "ups and down" is totally normal
and will probably continue for some time to come.
I think you have said you are in a support type group- does that help ? Also, have you thought about getting in some IC to help with building your strength and combatting the moods
and depression ? (My IC is very good at encouraging me, and working on my strengths and self esteem).

Isn't it interesting how these men like your STBXH and my
WH share so many characteristics within their families ?
Having sat in with my WH for some of his counseling sessions
has made me see how dysfunctional his family is, how many of
his issues come directly from the role "models" he had in
his parents, and how his brother and sister have many of the
same issues. I hope he will be the one who can finally break
free from some of this part of his past and be able to find
healing and recovery, but only time will tell.
I'm glad you are having the understanding and support of
your SIL.

It is so hard to know what will happen in our futures, but
I truly think all of us here have the ability, strength,
courage, and energy to make great lives for ourselves, with
or without our WS. Even though it's been a really hard, long
journey so far in dealing with my WH and situation, I am
feeling that I have come a long way myself, however that doesn't stop me from having times of feeling down, sad, mad,
hurt,frustrated, impatient, etc. !!

I think you are doing a great job- hang in there.

Slammed

Thanks Slammed, I used to do IC but during the holiday season things got a bit busy and I haven't gone for a month now.

I think you are right that ups and downs are normal, but it's been a while since STBX dropped his first "bomb", and I am a bit discouraged by my own sadness that I am still so influenced by his actions. I wish I could truly feel that no matter what he does it will not impact me whatsoever. Is that the ultimate healing?

Hi Milk,
I do think the IC is helpful- I'm even learning a lot and
getting some useful insight from going to WH's IC with him !
His therapist seems to be very good at getting "right to
the point" on some of his issues, and I keep feeling like
the "lightbulb" is coming on, as I think "wow, that makes
sense !" with things she comes up with !

I don't think you should feel discouraged with yourself
at all- you have handled things SO well throughout all this
and continue to handle things in a very strong, dignified and calm manner. I think the "ups and downs" probably
continue for quite some time, but perhaps the downs get to
be less often or less "down", as time passes.
I would guess at some point, down the road, you may feel
like you are less and less affected by anything your STBXH
does- until you get to the point where you feel almost no
impact. Don't know if it ever gets to the point where you
feel nothing at all (at least due to DS3), but close... ??

I would have to guess that "ultimate healing" could also be
defined as the point at which you are able to take all you
have been through, all your efforts, all your thoughts and
feelings, and find a place of real "peace" that stays with
you.. and knowing you, I know you will find it Milk.

Slammed

Milk,
I have a feeling you have unresolved issues and that is the real reason you are having a difficult time moving on with your life. Fact is, that your H just left the relationship and his explanation for his decision just does not 'hold water' (as they say). Something is missing and it is unsatifiying at best. The trouble is that you may never know what happened milk. I don't know if IC would help here or not. It could, but I think you need to start looking at the relationship with a bit more distance. By that I mean, approach it with less emotions and also from a different angle. See if you missed something.

I started to do that myself after christmas and it was quite helpful. Of course the new info about H's A has been enlightening as well. I feel as though I have a new understanding of it all. Don't get me wrong, I hurt, but it is not the same. I really wish now, more than anything, for H to sit with me and spill the facts about the A. It is really not important to me who she is etc., but why he is in it? What is he getting there that he was not getting with me? Anyway, enough about me.

Take care milk. Don't get discoraged. Sometimes the change in your perception is very quick.....so you never know how you'll feel tomorrow. Keep positive!

Daisy

Thanks Slammed and Daisy. You guys have stayed with me for so long that I can tell you two really understand how I feel. And that means a lot to me. Thanks <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

What you said is already happening, Slammed, in a way. I still have ups and downs, but the fact I can even have "ups" is a progress. Also my old "downs" were really deep and long, but now at least I can (not always, but half the time) try to shift my focus on something else. So you are right, it may not be such a big emotional swing anymore...

And Daisy, you just nailed it. I have unsolved issues, and I do not feel my questions have been answered. Now, I know this is common, but at the same time, that is also the reason many of us here keep fighting - because we feel there has not been good enough reason for this to happen. STBX took off, as if we just had a bad argument, and over time he just convinced himself that in fact this is what he had been looking for all of his life. But we all know that is not the case. For us, including his own family, it seems he just brainwashed himself or something and has gone mad. He has always had the "foundation" to be like this, I guess, given his mental/behavioral issues. But he was able to control them before. Now he does not even "try" to control them.

Anyhow, you are right, I need to look at the whole thing with less emotions (which is hard, yes) and from a different angle. I can actually do this when I speak with his brother and sisters. When I really realize how (for the lack of better words) "messed up" his family is, I feel that this is not a problem between STBX and me, but is rather a problem within himself. I can believe that, because the way they think/behave sometimes scares me - in a sense that they are completely lacking a common sense! But other times I do not do this successfully, and my emotions go out of control.

Thanks for your continuos support. I hope one day we can all get together! And hopefully by then we can really "smile"....!!

Is this normal? I feel that my goal now is to be able to feel "I am okay without STBXH", which like I mentioned, I believe I am making some progress. Yet, when I think that STBXH has already gone through this stage and feels that he is perfectly fine without me, this really saddens me. I want to feel one thing but if STBX feels the same way that bothers me??

I guess it is because deep inside I still want to believe that STBX is so deep in the fog that he does not know what he really feels but he still loves me and needs me, while I am making progress to feel more like "I am okay without him". I want to feel that I am in control, not him. But the fact this bothers me, I am NOT in control but he IS???

Do you think if someone just "lost" love towards his/her spouse, that is a good reason for divorce and should be accepted? Obviously that is what it is in our society, but God hates divorce. But this morning I was talking to my friend who is Christian and a lawyer - his view is if your spouse wants a divorce, then you just have to go dirrerent paths.

Milk,
I hear what you are saying. I was just saying something similar on my thread today.

I realized that H by being envolved in his A has basically moved on in this R. I find the thought of him with another woman painful (fist sign that I am not over this) and I cannot imagine even kissing another person (a second sign that I am not over this). So, I feel that while I want to be where H is, moving on......I am clearly not there and his moving on is hurting me. I feel that in some way I am still attached to him, because I still am not able to detach completely and see myself without him.

But I can only hope that one day I'll be past this.

All the best......hope you are doing ok today.

Daisy

Thanks Daisy. Actually now sometimes I can picture myself without STBX and with someone else instead. But when I think of DS3, I cannot picture that. Also, even when I can think of my future without STBX and with someone else, when I think of him being with someone else still cause me pain.

One day, I hope I can be totally "indifferent" towards him.

Milk

Someone quoted this to me

". . . Everything can be taken from a man but one thing; the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way."-- Victor Frankl

I like this! Choosing my attitude in ANY given set of circumstances is uncer MY control. Even if I cannot help how I get depressed and feel betrayed, I still can CHOOSE my attitude, that is true.

It really sucks that it takes only one person to make such a huge decision and cause so many changes in other people's lives. STBXH might be feeling that way about his childhood, but if that is the case, he should NOT do the same thing to our young son. But that is the argument EVERYONE agreed with except for STBXH. He can only think of himself.

But maybe (I am only starting to feel this way the past few days), God DOES have a better plan for me. MAYBE DS3 and I might end up being happier and having more stable home environment if we go through this. MAYBE something better is waiting for us.

I just need to get through this divorce procedure, even though this is so unpleasant and depressing... That is what I have been telling myself these days.

My 3-year-old son is desperately seeking for a male figure in his life since his father left us. I have a good friend of mine who acts like DS3's god father has been involved in his life deeply. I also try to let DS3 see his uncles and grandpa very often. But among all of these "men", he is attached to my friend the most.

Now, I am thinking - while it is great that he loves his uncle so much, would it be dangerous because if in the future I meet someone, he will be compared against my friend and he will never win (at DS3's birthday party, he was more attached to my friend than his own father at some point)?? Would DS3 dislike a new guy because he wants my friend to be his father? Should I limit his time with my friend? But at the same time I want DS3 to be happy and healthy. I want him to know that even though his daddy left, there are other men who really care about DS3. But again, since all other "uncles" have their own kids, they never pay as much attention as my friend does. He does not have any young kids, and he treats DS3 like his own son. And I do not want to take that away either. What should I do?

bump...

Milk, I was single parent to a boy with an uninvolved father and it is tough. If possible I would encourage the grandfather to be as active in his life as possible. You can still encourage the relationship and outings with your friend but not to the point that your son wants him to be his dad. My son actually fell in love with my H before I was even dating him. He used to tell people I was going to marry him. LOL, I guess he ended up being right.

milk....

I read your post....but I got no kids and so I have no idea what you are dealing with......

I would imagine there are books on this, you might want to check into it.

I hope others come along and tell you something more concrete.....

take care,

Daisy