I have seen some former WWs posting here, but have never seen anything posted by former WHs. Do they go through the same hardship some of the former WWs are going through, in terms of having a sense of guilt, or no such thing happens to former WHs?

Bump... so there really are no FWHs here???

milk....

I too am curious about this....Nice observation <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />!

Hope a FWH comes around to enlighten us <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />....

Take care!

Daisy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I know men are wired differently, but this really gives me NO HOPE as to STBXH will EVER feel bad about what he has done to his own family in the future!!!

Hey Milk-
I've been so busy haven't been able to post lately, but do
try to keep up with you, since we've had so much in common
with our H's.

Attended my WH's counseling session with him the other night
and his counselor made an interesting comment that totally
made sense and thought might be of interest to you too-
She said that while they don't know alot about many of the
mental/emotional disorders, they do know that people with
them generally are short on some of the normal brain
chemicals, such as "serotonin". She says that because of
this, many of these people start looking for other ways to
produce brain chemicals (subconsciously), and that the main
one they can produce is adrenalin. The way they do this is
by any activity that produces large amounts of adrenalin,
and they then become addicted to the "high" that the boost
of adrenalin produces for them- and this is how a lot of
people become addicted to drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, etc.
This made so much sense to me and really seemed to "fit"
the bill with my WH. He felt down, blamed everything and
everyone (mostly me and the M of course), and then went out
looking for whatever he could find to give him some "spark"
and got addicted to the adrenalin "boost".
I hope now, with him on the proper meds for Bipolar disorder
that he will have the correct brain chemicals and no longer
feel the need for the artificial stimulation.

Glad you are feeling better. I think you've handled things
very well, shown a lot of strength, courage, and grace in
your dealings with STBXH and DS3, and continue to set a
great example for your son. Finding a positive, such as you
mentioned with being able to "do your own thing", and not
needing to consult STBXH is a great ! (and I agree, that
was a nice part of being by myself).

Thanks for your comments on my thread. I just hope all the
drama with OW means the true end of the A so we can get on
with trying to recover our M. Guess only time will tell..
Have a great weekend,
Slammed

Thanks Slammed. This is certainly interesting and IF STBXH ever considers taking different meds, this info would be VERY helpful.

But the truth is, Slammed, I really don't think STBXH will return. If I look at the next say 5 years or so, now I think I am more confident than before that he would feel really bad and may regret what he did big time. But I truly do not believe anything would change in the near future. So I will continue to move on. I will be happy again...

bump....

Lostone is here, sorry it's takem me so long to answer, I am brand new to this and had to get help from my wife to even tell me what a threadlock was and the "bump" meant, sorry again.

I am a FWH and yes I think we are wired different or maybe the way we were raised to be tough, etc. makes men the way we are. I can tell you I definately felt remorseful, guilty and crying to the point where I could almost lost all my composer over the hurt I caused. I did not know a peerson could hurt as much as I hurt my wife. True at hte time of the A, I really didn't think about it, because I did not think about being caught, or how it would affect my wife and family if I was. I was just plain selfish and inconsiderate thinking of no one but myself, actually as I look back I was not even thinking. I still feel the guilt and yes I do beat myself up for all my shortcommings. I will be a better man, husband, father because of it and I know in my heart, I will never do it again, as I could not bear the thought of seeing my wife in that much emotional pain again. Lostone

lone....thanks for coming over here and replying.....

Daisy

Lostone, thank you for sharing your thoughts. STBXH has had multiple emotional affairs (one-way), and when I found his "love" letter writen to his first EA years ago, I was devastated. But he swore that he would never do it again, it was only lust and not love, he only loved me, etc., I trusted him. Now he claims it was the beginning of his "discovering" the fact he was not in love with me and our M was not working out. And I know he believes in it.

Yes, he is being very selfish and cannot think anyone else but himself. His case is a bit different, because he has a lot of mental issues and addictions, and he had a rough childhood. So things are even more complicated. But I know he HATES feeling guilty. So he convinced himself that our marriage and me were the primary sources of his emptiness and unhappiness, which made him do what he did (EA, porn, drugs, etc.).

Whatever the explanation he is using, the fact remains that he is being selfish and escaping from the reality. Still, no one seem to be able to reason him. That is why I wanted to hear stories from FWH. And again, thanks for coming here to reply.

What made you realize what you were doing was wrong and hurt your family so much? Do you think you can share that with us?

White Daisy,
I always knew what I was doing was wrong but I was selfish, and I too told myself that I was not happy in the M, but instead of facing the issue and talking to my wife I chose to go out and get some EN'S met on my own. I lived a double life and all was fine till I just had to stop the nonsense and face reality. I never thought the hurt would be so strong. In fact I never thought I would be revealed. In fact in my case the A was over for 6 month's when a ex employee of the OW felt the need to reveal the A. At that ime I was angry at her but now 9 months later I'd love to thank her for her honesty! To be honest I too am complicated with a rough childhood, and addiction to alcohol years ago before my marriage. Still this is no excuse, I and only I chose to have the A and I must "fix" my self to ensure I won't again. That is why I am here. Hope this helps. Lostone

Thanks lostone for sharing this. You never considered divorce though during your A, right? But at the same time, if this girl did not reveal your A, do you think you would have continued having A?

My STBXH apparently always self-meditated with marijuana for years and have been an sex addict. He had these traits before marriage, but he claimed he felt lonely and empty and unhappy while he was married to me so his addictions got worse, therefore he "needs" to get out of this marriage in order to get "healthy". That is how he explained to me. I think in his head, he knows he should not blame me for his problems, and when he had those rare moments that he was thinking clear, he gave me a card apologizing that he was blaming me for his personal mental issues. Yet, that did not last too long, and now he is just very angry with me. He really does not care about me anymore, and it seems now he only cares about money (because now he thinks as long as he has money some of his issues will be solved..., one time he asked me if we were billionaire if I think we would have divorced long time ago... what kind of question is that? But I think he was thinking because I always made good money he did not really want to "lose" this income so he stayed married.... he said once he was married to me because I make good money.. how sad and pathetic is that...).

But we all know that is not the reality. He will still have those issues regardless. He kept telling me right after he moved out that our house was making him feel so empty and the whole neighborhood did not mean much to him, etc...., yet 9 months later, he HATES his apartment and complains about it a lot. He told his brother he is unhappy (even though he was convinced that once he moved away from me he would be happy!), and his mom said he looked very unhappy. He is still doing a lot of "soul searching".

He initially claimed that I was not spiritual and I only look good outside, so next time he would choose a 300-pound woman but who is spiritual. That comment really hurt me, as if I have nothing good to offer other than how I look?? But then STBXH stopped going to church and now it's me who goes to church every week and I also joined a women's divorce recovery group and we get together every week to do bible study. STBXH said to his brother "Jesus told me to divorce Milk". None of what he is saying makes sense... He also told me that once he moved out, he even quit chewing his nicotine gum, again, making sound like I was the reason he was addicted to nicotine, yet DS3 revealed that STBXH is still using his nicotine gum.

He also said he had XYZ interest that he could not pursue as long as he is with me - right after he moved out, he was trying to pursue these things he mentioned, but that also did not last very long. Now he does not do any of these he claimed "very important" to him.

How can he still blame me for his issues then? Is he ever going to realize all of these are INSIDE him?

No, this is a bad cycle. I decided I would not have any hope anymore. I do not want to make it sound bad. I have hope, but I do not want to have any expectations. As long as I have any type of false hope that STBXH might turn around, I cannot move forward with my life. And I have a son to raise and protect. I have to be positive and happy. I wish I had a crystal ball - if I know FOR SURE that STBXH is not coming back, then I just have to get through this and move on.

Milk,
Sorry I cann't write more now as I am at work, I will write more later, but no I never considered divorce and The A was over for 6 months when the brave women made the calls to reveal details. Lostone

Thanks lostone. When WSs are not really considering divorce but just having A, there are much greater chance of recovery. STBXH apparently was thinking of D for a while..., so mine is a slightly different case. Thanks for your input though anyway, and I am really glad that the brave woman "woke" you up.

I do not want to "desire" STBXH's return anymore. I wish I could just hate him. I can be really mad at him, but don't hate him. I can hate what he has done to me and DS3, and how he handled the whole thing - it's just sickening. But I still cannot "hate" him. He filed, and I am moving on, but memories are so hard thing to deal with. I only want to think of myself and DS3 now. I do not want to second guess what STBXH is up to... Actualy, I just realized something - I don't need to hate him, because if I do, that means I still care. I want to be indifferent. I want to be completely neutral towards STBXH. I wish I really did not care about him at all. Would that ever happen? I have too much emotion, that's the problem. I get emotionally attached to people and animals way too easily and I get stuck. Sometimes I am jealous of those who are cold and can just "cut off" people from their lives..., not that I think that kind of trait is wonderful, but it should certainly help in my situation...

Milk,
I know how you feel.....I want to be indifferent as well. Till I found out all this new info, I had a hard time letting go of H and moving on. I could not cut him out of my life..... I was going along with the "friendship" idea, as much as it was difficult to do and I really just tried to convince myself that I could do it. But then after I found out all this stuff, it was so much easier to let go. I don't hate him. It is just that I could not imagine getting this "good" guy out of my life. Now, I know he is just a WS, and it is not that hard to get that person out of my life. I don't want to be friends with the WS. I was finally able to cut him out of my life, mostly because I just could not imagine talking to him and seeing him for one more minute with all the lies and deceipt and manipulation between us. H is convinced he is a stand up guy. "I have always been open and caring towards you"....well he forgot to add "as far as you know" to the end of that sentence.

Just like you, I want to get to the point where I am just indifferent about him. I imagine I will get there in time. Don't really see why not. I don't hate him, and the love I have for him cannot last forever (it has nothing to feed on)....so it is just a matter of time. In my case it does help to not have children, because I don't have to schedule anything with him and my life really is not affected by him at all. We have very little connections to each other, and those will be cut very soon, and there will be nothing left, just what was in the past. Day to day, his actions don't effect me and mine do not effect him. So, we really can go and live seperate lives, as he wanted!

Daisy

You sound very strong and confident, Daisy. Yea, not having kids do help, doesn't it. Although DS3 makes me so happy, so I guess it's a wash. I frankly cannot imagine my life without him. So it stinks that I have to "share" the time I spend with my own child, it stinks that I have to have constant contact with STBXH because of DS3, but at the end of the day, when I see DS3 sleeping peacefully, I forget about my pain. There are no such things that only benefit you - there are always good sides and bad sides to it. Of course when I look at my M, had STBXH decided to stay to work on our M, we could have had a win-win situation where we do not have to go through this agony and spliting the time spent with DS3 while continuing on enjoying DS3 together. But he does not want it, so what can I do. One day STBXH will feel very empty (even though he claims he feel empty now or before, it will be worse) and regret when he thinks about how he changed DS3's life completely. For what? So that he could pursue his fantasy world. What a father.

I will never ever leave my child, that is for sure. How can I?? If I were in STBXH's shoe, I could not have left my child even if I felt very unhappy in my M. If I see my boy running after me crying and saying "I am sorry, please come back!", how can I possibly leave? There is no way. But STBXH did. For him, his needs come first. That is the difference. I would never ever do that to DS3. And STBXH has to live with the consequences the rest of his life. He is the one who left, he is a quitter and loser.

Just two years ago, STBXH sent me nice gifts at my work and everyone was teasing me. Last year, he wanted D but was still living with us and there was no gift, he only said "happy V-day" when we were eating dinner. I remember his eyes were so narrow and were not even looking at me. I knew he did not mean anything by it. This year, he lives on his own, and could care less about me. Basically we have no communication btw us other than for those related to our son. What a change...

I received red roses today at work! It turned out that my friend sent them to me. Wow, I almost forgotten that today was V-day and did never think he would send me flowers. He is also going through D as well, and we were helping each other the past several months (he came over to shovel the snow for me a couple of times, and I babysat his boy - we also exchanged some legal advice). I called and left him a message thanking for the roses, but now I am not too sure how I should act the next time I speak to him... I have always said to him that if his wife wants to reconcile, they should, as that I believe is the best for children, and he agreed, but so many things have happened to him and in his family the past several weeks that I think he decided that he has had enough (his wife was cheating and wanted D, but later on said did not want D but he could not trust her motivation).

People were right, they all told me that having someone else will not ease the pain I had - I am flattered, but am still sad about my failed M with STBXH.

Milk....
Enjoy the roses! But give yourself time to heal.....

Sadly, I don't remember last years V-day at all. Things were already going downhill at that point. I only remember the very first one, he got me a rose......He has this love for crows and the week before V-day I drove around town taking pictures of them, but they were so small that I went on the web to find a crow postcard for him. He got it the 15th, and when he found out that I drove around taking pictures of crows, he just kissed me and asked me to marry him, right there. It was such a beautiful day...... I still cannot believe that was just 4 years ago.

I did not cry at all writing this......that has to be a good sign.

Take care milk!

Daisy

Hey Milk,
Glad you are having a nice day ! Sounds like you are
doing well and continuing to gain strength and find
some new prospectives on STBXH and the situation.

I know you are happy to have DS3, but can understand how
it can prolong your pain and the difficulty in moving in
since it requires you to keep some contact with STBXH.
Almost seems like your STBXH is already wavering in his
desire to spend time with DS3, so wonder if he may just
eventually drop out of the picture ?
(My WH has visitation with his daughter which would allow
him to have her every other weekend, two weeks in summer,
and alternating holidays, but he rarely has her due to
distance and his schedule).
Whether he sees him or not though, his obligation to provide
support is the same... (at least in my state)

Slammed