Thanks faithful and Daisy. I tend to over analyze things, and I will just trust in God that there is a reason my friend is there for my son, and while I will be careful that DS3 will not start wanting my friend as his father, I hope he will always there for DS3 even if I meet someone in the future.

DS3 got sick on Friday and STBXH did not come pick him up on Sat, claiming that this is for DS3's sake not for his own convenience, but I know that is not true. He asked for the next weekend instead but I declined it - what is it, he only wants DS3 when he is well and when he can have fun with him??? Taking care of a child whether he/she is sick or not is a part of parenting!

Sorry DS isn't feeling well. I agree...taking care of a child in sickness and in health is important. DS3 needs to know Daddy can do it to. I hope he feels better soon.

Thanks confused. Last night in bed DS3 asked out of blue "Mama, where is my daddy - Papa?" I said "he is at his house" and he asked "why?" so I said "because that is where he lives".

He hasn't asked why he is not with us for a while, and those questions really tear my heart apart. And it really makes me mad that it's always me who suffer watching my boy in pain, not STBXH who decided to abandon his family because he wants to sleep with other women and he wanted freedom.

I am feeling blue today... I needed the whole last year to get stronger, but at the same time I feel I have lost a valuable year - sometimes I feel a tremendous pressure from my biological clock for wanting a second child...

I now feel that EVEN IF STBXH wants to come back to me, it will not be like "yipee, it's about time, let's get back together!" Until last September, if anyone asked me if I would take him back without hesitation, my answer was big YES.

At the same time, when I think of my son, it really makes me feel very sad and don't know what to do. Maybe now I might have reached a point of "if I did not have our child, I am okay without STBXH" stage. And it is not like I cannot forgive him. I may be able to forgive him completely, because I feel that he is so broken psycologically. But I just do not wish to live like that and in uncertainty for the rest of my life.

Is this normal?

Milk,

Yup I think its normal to feel that way.

I know for myself even as short as two moonths ago i would have jumped if Wh wanted to come home.

But now it would take a lot more that I want to come home. He would have to prove to me beyond a shadow of a doubt thats what he wants.

I would not be able to say yes, immediatly... It would take some time.... Yup I still love him but I would need more than that to allow him home.....

I need to know that his heart would be in the right place and mean it. I would not want ot go through another fase recovery like I did in Aug.it made thing so much harder for me....

Of course I don't see him asking to come home anymore. At least no time soon if ever.

So I think its normal what you feel.....


Hurtng

Thanks Hurting, and I feel the same way - I don't think STBXH will be asking to come home anyway so why should I worry?? I don't need any more stress!

Though small things here and there sometime make me wonder - for example, on Tuesday night when he left DS3 a message - he said "hi Milk, it's me, I am calling for DS3, I know it's early, but because now I go to meditation which ends at 8pm, I won't be able to call him after the class - it will be too late"

So my stupid mind started to wonder a bit - hmmm, meditation? Clearly he is still doing his "soul search". He was so sure that he would be happy once he gets rid of me, but even after he moved out, he is still unhappy. Does this tell him anything?? Something???

But, I should not analyze this. In the past, similar things happened where he is clearly not happy, but what does it mean? He can still choose to live alone, which he has been very firm about, and over analyzing things will not do any good to me. I am moving on.

He filed, and even though I still tend to think "technically, even after we get D, it is possible that he still comes back", this is just not fair to me! I know myself - if I keep thinking like this, it's possible that even 5 years from now, as long as STBXH does not remarry, I may still be out there wondering every time I hear something about his unhappiness that "maybe he is coming back", which I do not think healthy. I cannot put my life "on hold". I do not want to live in a limbo anymore. So from now on, I just assume he is never coming back. IF - the BIT IF - he changes his mind soon enough, there might be a chance that my mindset is still not too firm and the doors might be open a bit. But I assume that will not be the case, and continue to plan my life without him.

I survived the holiday season, which gave me quite a bit of confidence. Now DS3 and I have been living without STBX for nearly nine months. It is getting easier. Now I can eat, sleep, and work. I can look forward to my weekend again (right after he moved out, I was terrified of weekends and very sad). I took my first vacation with DS3 alone in July with my friends and their families, and a long vacation to go home to see my folks with DS3 in Oct-Nov. Now I am planning a short weekend gateaway trip with DS3 and my friends next month. I think I am getting much stronger and independent. When STBX was home, I hated doing things without him. I always wanted to be with him, which made him feel "chained".

Now I see things about STBXH a bit differently - I DO see some abnormal issues there - his addictions, lack of sense of responsibility, lies, and all other things that his siblings also have. It will take whole a lot more now for me to take him back, because I no longer believe that "oh, he is such a wonderful sweet person". He was sweet, but with no substace in it. He was sweet, simply because that was the easiest way for him to get away with what he was doing behind my back. He said a lot of nice things but rarely acted upon them. And he lied, lied, and lied.

I did love him very much, and wish he was a stronger person who could handle stress better. I wish he had a gut to tell me when he felt that we had some problems in our M. I wish he did not use drugs and porns to solve his issues. I wish I knew him better or knew more about depression, addictions, sexual abuse, and other mental issues he has and had given more serious consideration when he asked me to marry. Although he did not really tell me about these things till after we got married.

I hope this experience has made me a little wiser. It really saddens me when I think of my baby growing up in a divorced family, but I think I tried hard and I cannot force STBXH to love me again.

Are people filing taxes jointly or separately? I know that there is a penalty for married filine separately, unless you have significant medical expenses or something, but my thinking is this: I have paid mortgages for 10 months all by myself, why do I have to give the interest write-off benefit to STBXH?? Then after receiving such benefit, he may just tell me to bug off and still insist on spliting our equity 50/50, so he will totally benefit. My lawyer was like "but why don't you file jointly, you may pay less" - he is divorced himself, and often he makes comments that are more STBXH's sided - for example, even though he never honor times and schedules to come pick up DS3, and I am already giving STBX the standard visitation, my lawyer once told me "I am a divorced with three boys myself, and I never feel that the standard schedule is enough - why don't you let your husband see your son more often?"

I told him I feel like he is more on my STBX side, to which of course he said "no".

Anyway, what do you think about the taxes?

milk.....

H and I are filing jointly. I myself wondered what we were going to do and then he called couple of days ago and said lets do it jointly since we are still legally married. I said fine. I know that jointly we will both benefit. So, I don't mind doing it that way. For my H every penny counts, and I don't want to go out of my way to hurt him. But I was prepaired to file seperately if he said he wanted to do that.


He cannot force you to file jointly so file seperately if you like.

Daisy

Thanks Daisy. I just do not continue to be "used" by him. He has done that already, and said so shamelessly as well - he said he "used" me financially. I will think about this a bit more.

DS3 and I were at my STBX in-laws on Friday night and MIL asked me what I would do if STBXH comes back tomorrow. I told her that is not going to happen, so I will not worry about it. I also said to her that as long as I think that there is hope that immobilizes me, so I will continue to move on. She said "good".

Apparently the other day one of STBXH's sisters was there and she said to MIL "I can't stand my brother (= STBXH) for what he has done, what he is doing, and the way he is doing it". MIL said about three weeks ago STBXH came by to have lunch with them and he looked unhappy. And he just ate, made all the mess, did not even put aside his dishes, and just went to lie down to watch TV. Also, his father was trying to fix something so carrying heavy stuff and running around being busy, but STBXH did not even move to give him a hand nor offered any help. That is so typical of STBXH, and that is one of the reasons I complained a lot. MIL said "he does not come here because he wants to see us - he only comes here because the food is free and he feels like he has a maid who cooks and cleans after him. I don't want him here if that is how he is".

When I heard that, I was even more convinced that STBXH is NEVER going to change. He is not capable! He is just very lazy and selfish. Even if he sees other people working around, he doesn't even feel bad that he is not doing anything to help. If he is still like this with his parents, how can I ever expect that he would act differently with his wife and son?? NO WAY. He wants to be taken care of, but does not wish to work hard to take care of others.

I feel (1) he is not "well", and still extremely selfish so there is no way that he becomes humble and wants to come home, and (2) even if he wants to come home now, the reason is not because he loves us or feels bad but simply because he wants to use me as a bread bringer and maid.

My best friend asked me "Milk, PLEASE, next time do not choose a lazy guy". I AGREE!!!!!! People can be lazy at times, but I have never seen anyone as lazy as STBXH, and that is more like chronicle laziness - his brother and sister are like that too, and that must be in their gene. I hope DS3 did not inherit that...

I was just reading about ADD/ADHD, which STBXH and his brother and sisters have, and it is kind of scary. People with ADD/ADHD are more susceptible to have depression (bingo! #1, STBXH is on ADs), substance abuse (bingo! #2), obsessive-compulsive disorder (bingo! #3), etc. He is a very classic case of ADD/ADHD!

Milk....

If you feel that he is using you financially, than do file seperately. I have a feeling my H is using me as well. He has not been as upfront about it, but the fact is he has done it. My friend is concerned that he will ask me for alamony....I don't want to believe he would go that far...he is the one that left to get a "better" like and is saying how he does not want ME in it....but hey, who knows.


All the best,
Daisy

Daisy, please be careful. I never thought STBXH would turn into this "monster" either - in million years! People have warned me that he would change once the big D is on the horizon, and I did not want to believe them but they were right. My friend told me this a year ago and told me to separate finances early on, but I did not feel like going after money and left it that, and now I am going to have to pay the "price" of believing him.

I am not trying to scare you and truly hope that your H is different, but people do change, unfortunately for the worse, when D starts. Your H has demonstrated the ability of being selfish - he may choose to or may even feel "entitled' to become selfish financially!

I don't have any faith in STBXH anymore. He would do anything to get what he wants...

This morning DS3 had a slight fever, but I had a meeting and had to come to work, so I called my inlaws to see if I could drop him off. At the same time I called STBXH to let him know the situation and also to see if he can keep him but he didn't answer my call (he never does - he screens calls) and did not even call me back. Only when DS3 is healthy and fun STBXG wants to have him!

Milk,

I keep up reading what is going on in your life.....I find your H to be such a child. Sorry, he really doesn't have any interest to TAKE CARE of your son....it is really sad. I hope your sun doesn't get sick too often when only your H is around.


Your H, like my H, it is all about fun for them. Responsibility goes out the window.

Thanks for writing to me.....I got an email from H after I told him I did not want to keep in contact anymore. Now, when I am not asking for any explanations, now he is giving them to me. Telling me it was a date he was on, but he did not mean to hurt me....blah blah.....

My friend told me that the best revenge I can have now is to not tell him my reasons for ending contact. He wanted freedom, he's got it. He is free from me.

Hope your day gets better and your son gets well soon!!!

Daisy

Thanks Daisy for your input. Your H and mine are so childish and selfish to the core. I admit I can be selfish too sometimes if I am not being careful - especially since the whole the M crisis happened, there were times I could only think of my crisis and I had no other interests. It was very difficult to get interested in other people's stories b/c they did not sound like a real crisis. But the stage is over. Now, still sometimes when I am very hurt, I can think of primarily of me, so I am not saying that other people including myself are perfect. But at lease if I realize that I may be only worried about my future, I try to change that. I certainly do not feel good about it. And I have been trying to make a lot of changes in my life over the past year. But your H and mine seem to be perfectly OK being selfish. They are being selfish knowingly. That is the big difference, I think. They want to take advantage of others shamelessly - as if that is their "right" or something. I don't understand. And I do not feel sorry for those people. They are grownups, they should know better.

I just heard this disturbing story from my friend. She knows this guy who has been divorced, and has had different girlfriends every two months or so since his D was final last spring! What is he doing and what does he want??? He had a wife and two daughters. He left them so that he can sleep with 10 other women?? My friend asked him what he is doing, and he said "I am looking for a love". What is that? He could have worked on the LOVE he already had with his wife and made it better! But this sounds so much like my STBXH. He is desperately looking for his "love" - somewhere out there. He does not even know her yet. He does not even know if she exists. But he wanted to leave us, because otherwise he wouldn't have known, ya know?? Is it really worth it??? You bet, in his mind. You live only once, and how dare my wife to tell me not to sleep with other women while I am married to her! How else am I supposed to find out if there might be other women I might like better?

It's one thing that he will end up wasting his time and energy and emotions and dignity and money over this because of his own stupidity, but why do I have to lose my family, energy, and time???

Milk,

I am slowly getting to the point where I feel that we (the BS) will come out of this way ahead of the WS. We got hurt bad, and it did not seem that we could make it, but we do and we are stronger for it. As learn and we will be better able to handle the next relationship.

The WS will not. They are in a fog when they leave and continue to be so for some time...maybe always. It does not even hit them what all they lost. It does not even register just who they left behind. We grow, we know that our WS had good qualities and we know what we lost and we learn not to take the next relationship for granted. We morn the relationship for some time, we take time to heal....

Not the WS. They look for the next relationship. The next OP to make them feel good, to put all the past behind. They don't get what they lost. And they lost out big, they lost out more then we did, because we learned!

I see the same patern in all the WS here. The entitelment. The running away from the BS. The cake-eating. The "me me me" attitute. It is sickening.


All the best milk.....

Daisy

Thanks Daisy. I think you are right, it's painful and such a waste, I feel, but we BS's will learn and get stronger, while WS's continue to do what they want to do destroying people who are involved along the way, in order to get what they want (or what they think they want).

STBXH never answer my calls but when he really needs something (of course about something only related to his own needs), he would call my home phone, cell phone, work phone, everything to get a hold of me immediately. This has always been the pattern since he moved out. He is truly not capable of seeing others' needs.

Apparently he told his brother that he is not happy. His mom said he looked unhappy. I agree. I am getting better on the other hand.

There are times I feel bad still, but those moments do not last that much anymore, and I am often truly enjoy my peaceful lifestyle now. I can go out to see my friends on weekends whenever I want. When STBXH and I were together, whenever my friends invited us over, I would have to ask him if he wants to go, even if we do not have any plans. He would always say "I don't know, if I feel like it, we can decide then". He complained that we always go see "my" friends, but he really did not have many friends who invite us over. Besides we were always spending time with his family (since mine is overseas), yet he took that part for granted. Anyway, it is nice now that if someone asks me to join them, I can answer right away instead of giving them the usual "well, I will get back to you".

What makes me sad is that DS3 has to live his life knowing that his biological father basically left us for his own selfish happiness, and also that I have wasted a big chunk of my life with him and I cannot get the lost time back.