Hey milk,
Have been reading here....I suggest you don't read to much into your H's interest in your life. He has proven himself to be quite untrustworthy and may be fishing for something to use against you in the D. I am sorry for being negative but he was quite sneeky in the past! I hope I am wrong....

I am glad your skiing with DS went well! I know I learned how to ski at a young age...it was a lot of fun!

You are doing great, BTW. We seem to be moving along....no other option I guess.....

Best,
Daisy

Hey Milk,
Hope you are having a good day.
I'm trying, even though I feel really tired and stressed
today. I was doing better before WH moved back home, so
maybe it will be better if he moves out to his renovated
house soon.
Have been thinking alot about his mental/emotional issues
and how much they have to do, or not to do with this whole
situation, although I know there is no way to really know.

If you have a chance to read my earlier post on your thread
or my updates on mine today you will see where my thoughts
have been~
Just hoping for a peaceful evening and guess I'll try to
stick with being pleasant and polite, but more "backed off"
with no questions or R talk, which is hard for me to do !
Slammed

Send, thanks for your kind words and answering my tax questions. When I read your story, it almost shocked me, as in a way, many things you said remind me a lot of STBX. And I felt that maybe you can understand his emotions and ways of thinking.

See, he is also Italian (actually he grew up in Italy up until 16), and was raised by his step mom so he always had issues of "love". He told me he never recall being hugged and kissed when he was small, and his step mom clearly favored her own dauthers. So he along with three other kids all posses similar trais - low self-esteem, fear of abandonment, depression, addicitons...

The way he felt about me the first time he saw me was also very similar to you. He saw me one day in college and claimed that he was shocked.

Anyway, but the way the whole thing developed is different and like Daisy pointed out, over the past year, he has shown nothing but dishonesty, selfishiness, anger, etc., and given his ADD nature, I feel that now the only option we have is to get done with D. He is obssesed with this now. Although lately he shows some weakness - he appears very lonely and is needing some company. But I can tell he is not in a mental stage where he can care for others yet.

If you have any male prospects and also from the standpoint of someone who had some childhood issues, I appreciate it. Thanks for your support!

Daisy, you are right, I have to be careful and stop trying to read too much into his actions. He probably does not mean anything by any of his words/actions. He is busy worrying about himself, and nothing is really important enough for him to care right now. Well, he does love and miss DS3, but like you said, to me, he is trying to use this somehow against me in our D. For example, yesterday morning he dropped DS3 off at his daycare and apparently he was crying. He called yesterday to tell me that he "needs to spend more time with DS3" b/c DS3 misses his daddy so much. Well, it's true but not true. DS3 misses his daddy, but that is because he LEFT. The fact he cries in the morning does not have whole a lot to do with this, since he cries even when I drop him off.

He called me today and asked if DS3 cried when I dropped him off this morning, and when I said yes, I could tell he was disappointed. I wonder if he was trying to push for the 50/50 physical custody if he could somehow "prove" that DS3 needs his daddy. He wants to do this b/c he does not want to pay 20% CS for the next 15 years. I have to be careful.

Slammed, thanks for your continued support. I know you are in a tough situation as well, but you are very strong and again, your WH does not need anyone to tell him what is the right thing for him to do and who is the right person to be with... He is very confused, so you may need to sit back a bit.

Thanks again everyone...
Milk

Please be careful. He may be trying to soften you up so that you agree to the split custody. He may also be on the look out for anything to use against you to either LOWER the 20% CS or INCREASE the shared custody.

I am sorry for being so suspecious of him. I really hope he is trying to be decent to you.

Daisy

Hi Milk, and thanks for your support and thoughts.
I am trying my best to "be still" today and not try to
understand, analyze, or figure things out, since I can't
and it's exhausting to try !

It is very hard being in the same house now that I know the
A is back "on", so probably would be easier overall if WH
moves out to his newly renovated house. I know that, yet it
also will be very hard for me if he moves because I have to
consider it as a very big step backwards, it gives him an
even easier opportunity to have all the contact he wants with OW, and because we talked about moving there together
(along with us deciding where we'd put our furniture, me
helping pick out fixtures, etc). Also, the thought of OW
being there makes me truly sick !
I know I'm going to have to get over it though, and just let it go if it happens. It'll be my chance to go to a good
Plan B, and perhaps WH will miss the love, care and support
he's had at home- who knows ??

While he's still there, I'm trying to do a "backed off"
Plan A where I'm still pleasant and polite, but not "over
doing", not "mothering", and not asking questions or wanting
WH to talk about things. That's the hardest thing for me,
although I don't know why- I know WH has no answers, doesn't
know he wants to do, and just gets mad if I attempt to talk or ask him things but I guess in my mind, I keep thinking it might help.
If I can keep from it, that will be a really big 180-!!

Are you feeling better now ? I finally guess my sinus
infection has cleared up (hard to tell)although I'm still
congested and have a cough. The last week has been hard on
me, as far as stress, and I've been having a hard time eating, but I'm trying to do so, drink enough, and get extra
sleep.

I am glad your STBXH is being more pleasant and showing a
bit more interest, but I would agree with Daisy in that you
should probably be guarded. You can be pleasant but still
stick to your "guns", document, and don't give an inch !

Tonight is WH's "alcohol education" class (due to the DUI)
so at least he won't be home until later.
Take care and have a good evening-
Slammed

Thanks Daisy and Slammed, yes, I will be careful. Unfortunately, over the past 15 months STBX has demonstrated that he cannot be trusted.

Last night's conversationg with DS3.

S: "Mama, where is Papa?"
M: "He is in his house"
S: "Why?"
M: "Because that is where he lives"
S: "Why?"
M: "Because he chose to live there"
S: "Why he is not in our house? Why he is not with me, Mama and XXX (our dog's name)?"
M: "Because he wanted to live alone and decided not to come back"
S: "Oh......., but I want Papa and Mama to be together"
M: "I know, DS3, I wanted that too, and I tried very hard, but Papa does not want to be with me"
S: "Why?"
M: "I don't know, you can ask Papa"
S: "But I want Mama and Papa and me and DOG to be in the same house"
M: "I know, but Papa does not want to come back"
S: "Why does he want to be aloe?"
M: "I don't know"
S: "I think because he is sad...., poor Papa"

He understands the whole situation a lot better than I have gine him a credit for. DS3 said several times "poor Papa".

I hope he is not feeding into DS3's head anything. Like when he was asked by DS3 why he is not coming home, I hope he is not saying anything like "Papa gets sad when he is with Mama" or something...

Hello Milk-
It is very interesting to see that DS3 is quite perceptive
about what is going on with STBXH.
His discontentment and unhappiness must be pretty obvious- (to everyone but himself, of course !)

I think he will be equally perceptive even if STBXH has
anything to say-

Hope your day is good and you are feeling okay.
I slept better last night and am feeling a little better
about things today. WH was very tired, very quiet last night
which made it easy to do my "Plan" (doing my own thing, no
R talk at all).
He also had no calls from OW during the evening, which made me wonder if things aren't totally "back on" with OW, or if
she just was busy, etc. I'm trying not to read anything in
to that, either way !

Today, WH had the initial court hearing about the DUI he
got at Christmas. I offered, several weeks ago, to go with
him if he wanted me to but he had declined, so I've said
nothing else about it, except this morning I did tell him
I hoped it would go okay.
He just called to tell me that it went okay- he was able to find out some preliminary info and was pleased that there are some options on what he might have to do.
(He was extremely scared about jail, but sounds like there
are other options). Now he is awaiting a hearing with the
DMV which will determine how long he will lose his license,
and then will have another court hearing in April.

Slammed

I have been thinking a lot about my own sitch as well as a lot of others...., and this is so far the conclusion I achieved.

I do not think my STBXH will ever truly recover. He has always dealt with stressful situations with his addictions. He does not know any other healthy way. He does not even play any sports. He cannot be passionate about his job either. Nothing has ever truly satisfied him, so he just used drugs, watched porn, and played computer games. I do not think he will ever be a healthy person who wants to spend more time playing sports outside or doing something physical.

Everytime DS3 spends time with his father on weekends, I ask him what they did. DS3 always tells me that they "watched movies". And I believe that. Especially b/c it is cold outside, STBXH cannot really think of any other ways to entertain our son other than letting him watch movies. No bike riding, skating, playing catch, nothing. During the summer, he took DS3 to the swimming pool, but he was just laying watching DS3 playing in the water. I do not think it even occurs to him that he can teach his son how to swim.

I have always labeled him as "lazy", but now I think about it, it may not be accurate. STBXH just does not know any better. He does not know how to be active physically. And again, nothing healthy (job, sports, hobbies, playing with his son, etc.) can satisfy him. Even though he had multiple addictions, I do not think they "fulfilled" him either, though. He must have always felt "empty" inside, because he really does not have any passion for anything in his life.

And that must be a very hard thing to change. I do not even know if it's possible. He is a sad person, and may continue to be that way. Even if he decides that he may want to come home, he still has to go to work, takes care of bills, helps me with our son, etc., and since he cannot find any "joy" in his day-to-day life, there is nothing he can look forward to. And I do not want to always walk on the egg shells either.

When I think about these things, despite my sadness and DS3's sadness, I feel it is probably better for us to just move on w/o STBX. I can be healthy again w/o him, and may find someone who does not find the routines of our lives stressful.

Has anyone felt the same way?

Milk

By the way, last Saturday when STBX came to pick up DS3, he asked me "so you guys are going skiing, huh". I already told him about it several days prior, and that is how he agreed to take care of our dog. So I just simply said yea, and he asked if I was going with so and so.

Then on Monday night when he called b/c probably he felt that he might have "won" the competition for DS3's love/craving since DS3 was crying hard when STBX dropped him off that morning (he asked me on Tuesday morning to see if DS3 cried for me, and when I said yes, I could tell he was disappointed. He wanted to feel that DS3 only cries when he was dropped off by his father, not me.), he asked again - "so you are going skiing, huh. Where are you going?"

Then today... just this morning, my office phone rang and it was him. He asked "hey, so you are going skiing huh..., are you leaving on Friday? When are you coming back?"

These questions are making me feel nervous. That is how he acted when I planned a trip to my home coutry last year. He initially said yes, and agreed to it, thus I purchaed the tickets for me and DS3. He agreed to take care of the dog. Then a few weeks prior to the trip, he started asking if we are going, when we are coming back, what we might be doing over there, etc., and then BOOM! He filed for D and put a temporary restraining order. How weird was that, right?

I am afraid he is trying to come up with something like that again??? Even though this is only a weekend trip, technically I am taking DS3 to out of Illinois (we are driving to Wisconsin). Would he be CRAZY enough to put another restraining order??? He is crazy enough to say that Jesus told him to divorce me, so anything is possible...

Good morning Milk-
Does seem like odd behavior from STBXH. Seems like each time
you have done something that shows you have a life and are
moving on, he gets nervous or maybe envious !
Don't know if he might have some underlying motives, but
I'd just be cautious. If you've advised him, he knows when
and where you are going, and can contact you, I can't see
that he has any grounds to have an issue with you just
crossing the border for a short weekend trip.

I understand your thoughts about STBXH never recovering.
I have had the same thoughts about my WH and just don't
know. I felt hopeful that he did go get some medical help,
was diagnosed, is trying medications and is doing the
weekly therapy, but- having gone with him each week so far,
I also realize how many things have come up and how much
there is to work on. Whether or not WH will take the time
and effort to continue long-term, and whether or not he
will do the "work" requird to make any changes- no way to
know ! I'm sure if he did he could improve considerably,
but whether or not he can ever be a "real" person or real
husband again, I just don't really know.

As I've been trying to help and have been going with him to
the appointments and counseling, and help with his meds,
it's scary to think about how it will be if he moves out
again and we got to "Plan B". Guess I like to feel needed
and like I could make some difference, and removed from
the situation I don't know if he will keep it up. I sure
can't see OW as helping with that same stuff and don't
think he's told her anywhere near the true extent of his
emotional/mental issues (wouldn't want to be less than "Mr.
Perfect" ).

I understand what you mean about thinking STBXH might be
lazy but then realizing he might not know better. I've been
really frustrated with my WH at times when he hasn't helped
around the house, has expected other to do things for him,
has not been very thoughtful, has not had the best manners,
etc. and thought very negative of him, only to realize later
than he truly doesn't seem to know better because this was
the patterns that he grew up with, so he thinks them as
"normal". Some of the things we've discussed in his therapy
have been things like that- patterns and habits he learned
in his disfunctional family, and now need to "un-learn" to
be able to function better.
I think those things can be changed, but would take the
desire, effort and much work to be done.

I'll update on my post- but nothing really new happening.
I am still fighting being sick and may have to go back to
the Dr later or tomorrow. I'm sure all the stress has really not helped my immune system !
Slammed

Hi Slammed, thanks for popping over. I hope you feel better soon. My strep seems to have gone completely, but my eyes have been so dry and killing me! I think too much internet surfing (as I type this my eyes are getting even drier...) is causing this problem.

I can see how you may be wondering if your WH would ever turn around - he seemed to have hit the rock bottom, but he is still foggy.

I have no clue what is going on in my STBXH's mind, and I won't waste my energy trying to figure it out, but surely he is not happy. But is he really capable of being truly happy with himself? That is the big question, and I do not know the answer. I have always been the kind of person who sets goals (small to big) and try to accomplish them. And when I can cross out the item on my list, I get pleasure. I do not think STBX gets pleasure out of day-to-day life. In his mind, he has to know how to fly or something in order for him to feel very excited about his life. In fact he mentioned this when he moved out.... he said "Milk, maybe I am not the "marriage" kind - I may not want to work anymore, and just learn how to fly...". I remember his statement. If he does not work, where does he get his money from to finance such activities??? He was very deep in his fog back then.... I do not know if he at least thinks more realistically.

I will check your thread later. I need to get some eye drop.

Milk

I am debating if I should change my attorneys, but it's a big decision. The reason I am considering this is b/c some of the comments my current atty made made me feel uncomfortable. He is divorced himself, and sometimes I felt that he is very biased.

The new lawyer I met was nice, but all the attys act "nice" when you first meet, right? And there will definitely more costs involved by changing attys... is it worth it? I am not sure.

Has anyone changed his/her lawyers in the middle of the D process?

I guess my worry is that even though I liked the new one I met, it's possible that I run into the similar situation, because I really liked the attny (the owner of the firm) I met, and that is why I decided to hire him, only to discover later that he delegated my case to his associate (= my current attny). I clearly asked the new one about that, and it sounds like his associates will only work on papers and numbers, but it will remain "his" case.

Any opinions on this will be greatly appreciated! I am very nervous... Also, should I talk to my current attny to let him know that I have some issues with him? How do I bring that up? If he says he will "correct" those problems, should I stay?