No, a mediator is not an officer of a court of law. Neither is a lawyer; they have no power to force your H to do anything either. If hubby instists on a mediator (he may not completely understand what they do), tell him what I said earlier: your divorce, not mine, so I'm not picking up one dime of the cost of you abandoning our marriage. Make the payment for the mediator one of the negotating points if he baulks.

my 2 cents.. Im not sure how the mediator thing works, BUT...........

If your STBX pays, then virtually she/he is his employee, I wouldnt be comfortable with that, if you both pay then she is employed by both of you.

Anyway, the mediator thing happens when you both are resigned to the divorce, you say you dont want divorce, so let him file on grounds and require himpay for your legal bills. You dont have to see a mediator, at least in this state you dont.

Thanks Newly, CheckUrHeart, and Sunrise1 - I signed the contract with my lawyer and mailed out this afternoon. I did it! I was sad, but feel am at a point where H does not seem to come back at all and to feel any sense of guilt about letting me pay for all of these unreasonable items - I have to protect myself and DS2. H has always been selfish in a way, in a childish way, but was at least kind and could not do any harm to anyone. He can't even kill bugs! But he has changed so much - maybe this is true him. I have been very stupid and blind and could not see that through.

It is very unfortunate that it took me this long and painful path to figure that out - and what stinks is that it will continue to cause pain. But H is not well. I have made a lot of mistakes too, but do not believe am as mentally unhealthy as H is. Maybe I was suffering from depression for a while in recent years, which drove H crazy, but at least I have never had any addictions or lied to my husband about almost every thing and had a secret life behind...

I will keep praying. I need to get stronger to get through this.

H is here this morning mowing the yard - then he would take DS2 with him. DS2 will spend tonight and tomorrow night at H's apartment. It is always hard for me to be here without my dear son. I am letting H see DS2, b/c DS2 enjoys it, but otherwise I wouldn't want to share my baby with someone who has abandoned his family to get selfish freedom.

It's the wrong thing, I know, but I can't help myself but to pray for a severe consequense H has to face in the future because of his decision. There has to be a justice! I don't want this separation/divorce to negatively affect DS2's future nor mine, but H'S!!!

Milkshake, my heart really goes out to you for many reasons. Please take this time while hubby has DS2 to do things for yourself to keep yourself busy. Do things that you can't do when your little one is there - look at it as a little break, just like having a friend keep him for a little while. Yes, you will miss him, but he will be back and you will appreciate your time with him that much more. He will be so happy to see you. Maybe get some housework done that it's hard to do with the little ones home -then there will be more time with him when he does get home. You are fortunate that your little one enjoys going over there - it is much harder when they have to be drug out of the house kicking and screaming!

As far as the money issue goes, I would tally up all of what you have been paying versus what hubby has been paying to have something to show how unfair things have been. He owes you some money! I can't believe he had the nerve to ask about splitting mediation. I'd tell him that after he pays you back the money you have paid to the point that you have put in at the most half of the expenses, then you can talk about splitting the cost of the mediator. If the mediator bill will be 50/50, so should all of these bills you have been paying. I'm surprised that he can be proud while you are supporting him, in a sense. Unbelievable.

I hope you can get into a place soon where you can relax a little. You are stronger than you think, and you just need to reassure yourself that you can handle whatever comes your way.

As far as "justice" goes, this man will have lost an intact family, and the only just outcome could be that you will be happy. Sometimes things that we think are tragedies are blessings in disguise.

hoping_n_prayin, thank you for your kind words. I am trying to look at things positively, even though at times it seems impossible. I have had a pretty easy life up until H started saying he wants a divorce. I have wonderful parents, friends, work, and I always felt that I was in the driver's seat. Then I am learning very hard way that there are things you just cannot control. It's a lesson I should have learned long time ago, but somehow I never did b/c things were pretty smooth.

I will never be the same person again. I cannot just assume people will do what they promised to do. I cannot plan my future and happiness solely based on someone else. I did not know.

Also, just b/c you are trying to be honest and fair, unfortunately people do not necessarily behave in the same manner in return. Some people simply take advantage of you. And I have been wrong also by believing that no matter what religions you have or not have, normal human beings should have a sense of justice and honor. Unfortunately, this is not true either. There are a lot of people engaged in wrongdoing and still do not feel guilty a bit at all.

I hope I will not become a bitter person. I hope I can raise my boy in the right way and hope he will become an individual who is strong, healthy both mentally and physically, responsible, honest, kind, compasionate, fair, and hard working.

H left and I did not mention money. He did not bring up the mediator subject either.

I am going to see my girlfriend tonight. In the mean time, I would probably go to stores to get some presents for DS and order his birthday cakes, etc.

I hope H is being a responsible father to DS as well. And I hope he is not letting DS watch inappropriate TV shows/movies like he used to when he was living with us.

Some counties require you to go through a mediator regardless of your situation. The only thing I can tell you is that if he wants 50% custody in order to reduce his child support and let's say you want more. Make sure you get what you want because once it is set for custody reasons it is hard to change. Also, will you H actually do the 50%. That is what mine wanted originally for the same CS reasons, well I knew he would never do the visitation so I held out until he caved and did an 80/20 split. Which is about what he would exercise anyway.

If you have an attorney - if not I would get one - because they can help you to select a mediator that will hopefully work to your benefit. There are some out there that are very pro mother or pro father and if you do not know you are dealing with.

Best of luck to you.

Thanks deannek. Asking my lawyer to select a mediator might be a good idea, if we choose to negotiate through mediator.

I have spoken to several different lawyers and they all said to me that there is no way H would get a custody, b/c (1) he left four months ago and I have been the primary care taker, (2) I am more mentally stable, (3) I am a mother.

(3) actually does not really matter, if father and mother share responsibility completely in a fair way, but that is not the case for us.

I will update.... Thank you.

When my H starting making demands on me, I quit responding to his E-Mails, and quit answering the phone. One day he left me 3 phones messages at home, 3 at work, and 3 on my cell - plus 2 E-Mails, each sent to both places. He may as well have said, I'm going to get your attention one way or another.

I asked my attorney to tell him that any further discussions needed to happen through the attorney. I've been blessed with silence ever since.

Maybe you can respond that you will only discuss things with the mediator, so when he hires one - that person can contact you. Then don't initiate it yourself, don't take the calls or E-mails, and let him take responsibility.

I also agree with you and others that he should pay for it. "It's only "fair" that the person who wants the D is the one who takes action and pays for that action" would be my response.

Oh, and one more thing - in this state (MN) each party is expected to pay his/her own legal fees. The courts don't make you share them, according to my attorney.

Thanks Deja Vu. This weekend was pretty rough for me emotionally as I did not have my son with me.

I did manage to create the spreadsheet outlining my monthly expenses so that I can show to my lawyer.

In this state (IL), I believe in many cases each party pays his/her own legal fees, if it is considered fair, one pary should pay for both. In our case, it's H who wants to divorce, but at the same time my lawyer will look after my best interest so I will pay for it. Although if H decides to become a big jerk and starts demanding more and more financially, I would ask him to pay my legal fees. However I make more than he does, so I am not sure if that woulr work.

I want to minimize ugly court battle. No one would benefit from it - except for our lawyers. I rather give that kind of money to my son. So far, H agrees to that. So I really hope we can work this out amicably.

I just spoke with H. He called the mediator. We are moving forward towards divorce.

I have prayed, prayed and prayed. I have tried to think of the worst all the time to prepare myself. But none helped. I could be mad at H, think of many nasty things he has said and done to me, and also think of 50 reasons why I and DS2 might be better off without H, but it still hurts incredibly much.

milk

4 months after my husband left he sent me the separation agreement. he was so sure he was "done" and he would have filed for divorce if he had the grounds.

2 months later he saidmeybe we could work on things...

i bought an extra year by not taking any legal action

Thanks Eav for your encouragement. I really do not know what to think of anymore. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

I am attending an online recovery forum for partners of addicts, and the recovery coach there told me he thinks H is so deep into his addiction that he would most likely follow through with this divorce, and he may or may not have regrets/false reconciliations, but eventually he thinks H would establish a new relationship with a new person. Then H would likely repeat the same things (falling out of love, indulging in his addictions, destroying the new relationship...). The only way to solve this problem is for H to become seriously committed to treating his addictions and to make a committement to our relationship.

I am reading now also The Divorce Remedy by Michele Weiner Davis. She believes unless you are in an extremely dysfunctional relationship (which involves physical abuse, chronic substance abuse, or chronic infidelity), you are better off solving your problems than getting out. I agree. But I am not sure if my marriage falls in one of this "exceptions". Basically what she is saying is the same as Dr. Harley. They both excludes these cases.

I do not want to say our mariage may not be saved only because H's addictions. I have heard many stories where addicts do whatever they want but still want to stay married (I think in many cases their spouses end up filing for divorce). Which does not mean those addicts will change and the relationship will improve - many don't, but at least they want to stay in the relationship. The fact my husband does not even want to be with me indicates that he is really emotionally detached and his addictions have made the situation 100 times worse.

The recovery coach I mentioned above said that it appears H is managing his life completely with his emotion. I agree with this statement. He is very feeling centric. But that is also a part of his addiction (he is a sex/romance/love addict). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I feel like maybe there is still some hope some time but mostly now I feel I am wasting my energy on something that is long gone.

But your husband does not have addicitons, so your situation (even though there are similarities to mine) may holds more hope, since somehow your H may listen to others.

Mine cannot be reasoned. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

milkshake,
please send me the site for partners addiction recovery. It has been 3 years since X left but maybe it will help me with lingering problems. I lived with X's addictions for 26 years, and I know that his OW/now wife was just another addiction.

While I am happy now, I feel that I am alone in the parenting process as my X never had good judgement, and with his long term addictions he doesnt see things as they really are so it has been tough for me with the kids, especially with my 20 YO daughter

Thanks

Hi Sunrise,

The one I am attending is specifically for SA (sex addiction), althogh from what I can tell, often these addicts have other addictions (alcohol and drugs) as well.

Here is the link: www.recoverynation.com

Did your husband ever try to come back to you after he left? Is he attending any AA meetings or counesling sessions?

My recovery coach at this forum said that he thinks my husband would most likely proceed with divorce, meet someone along the way, fall in love, establish a relationship, and if that does not happen, may repeat several regret/reconciliation attempts, but either way, unless H gets well, the coach believes he will repeat the same thing (cannot sustain the happy, healthy relationship).

That is why I was curious about your XH. I had an opportunity to speak to someone who has been divorced for two years and her XH was an addict as well (he was AA and SA). She said XH tried to come back to her, but did not seem sincere so she told him that he needs to stop drinking if he wants to come back, and he said no. So basically he chose drinking over his family! Anyway, he is now with someone who has drug addiction and recently she came out of a jail. Geeee!! Sounds like your XH is with someone who has similar problems as well? Unless THEY want to get better, they often end up with people who would ALLOW you to continue with their addictions.

Although I do not think that is what my husband wants. H wants to get better. But he thinks he needs to get away from me in order to get healthy, as I have caused a lot of stress which in turn drove him to such addictions. Now this part, I know is not true. No matter how nagging I might have been, it was still H's decision to smoke marijuana and watch porn and cruise around to follow women on the street.

But I just wish I was a bit warmer sometimes towards him (I was always mad at him b/c he was not responsible) - at least then H would have felt a bit more guilty about the whole thing and might have considered giving it another try, especially for the sake of our dear son.

Today is my son's third birthday and it was very hard for me to accept the fact that in only 3 years, things have changed so much and now I am singing "happy birthday" song to my deal son all by myself.... I was so depressed that it was extremely difficult to get out of the bed this morning. I just don't understand how H cannot think about how happy and proud we were three years ago!

H is supposed to come to DS3's birthday party tomorrow. I would feel very uncomfortable...., and am sure so are all other guests. Should I just treat him like a friend?

Treat him politely. He's not a friend. He's a guest. Try keeping that mindset. SOrry, I am going through a divorce myself and this week is ****** until H moves out. Grrrr.

Polite is hard enough to manage. Like a friend is too cruel.

Thanks Bellevue. The party was a success. DS3 had a great time. Although it was sad to see H arriving as if he is only one of the guests, instead of greeting our guests together, and at the same time I was ticked off a bit seeing him pretending like he still lives here or something and telling one of the guests "oh, help yourself". Maybe H thought this guest does not know that H has moved out 4 months ago, and was pretending? But why? H hasn't paid mortgage for 5 months and did not help me with this party at all!

It was also sad that H left, like one of the guests, instead of staying and cleaning up with me and talking about how the party went at night in bed. DS3 was so tired that he fell asleep in the evening when there are still a few guests including H, and he left while our son was sleeping, as H did not want DS3 to get upset seeing his father leave. All of that made me sad.

My friend has always been involved in DS3's life (he is a guy), and last night DS3 told me "XXX (my friend's name) is my daddy". I wanted to cry.

Well, congratulations on getting through it and being a civil person as well. I'm sure it was very difficult.

I can sort of relate as my H and I used to be in charge of some local events together and now I am still involved, while he just shows up as a guest. I'm having an increasingly difficult time with his presence at those events, and quite frankly wish he'd drop off the face of the earth.