NZgirl,

Please read the link in my signature. It is an excellent post from our ark^^, she and pepperband are the queens of Plan A.

Plan A is all about assuming that WS still has contact with OP.

It is all about self improvement and offering an attractive alternative to the OP.

Plan A is about no LBs.

It's about depositing love units.

It's about discovering your boundaries.

And finally, once you are ther... once you've done that self-improvement, once you have become an attractive alternative that you are proud of, and once you have established your boundaries... then it is time to impelent them... and that, my sweet kiwi, is plan B. You've got to earn it first, and you'll feel ready when it is time. Until then plan A your little bum off!

Thanks for the link, I am at work but will read in detail tonight. It looks great. I am a bit behind in relation to starting plan A as I only just found this web site a couple of weeks ago so not sure just how much further damage I have done and have had 6 months of sh*t with no plan about what I should do and have been on a very wicked roller coaster ride. So I will Plan A my bum off as you suggest.

Thanks again - really appreciate your help. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

NZGirl - Read up on Plan A. I think it is a HUGE mistake not having him in your home. How can you show him the way back if he never sees you and daughter and home?

[quote]

I think it is a HUGE mistake not having him in your home. How can you show him the way back if he never sees you and daughter and home?

Believer - I hear what you are saying but I just feel totally p*ssed off that he has lied again and thinks that it is ok for me to on a need to know basis with things in his life and pretty much anything in his life is out of bounds. It is quite major that he is living with OW and to blantantly lie about it - arghhhh!
I know that lying is one thing the they do - it is just hard in reality to accept that they act like this.

It just seems unfair that he can act this way and expect that things will continue to be OK. I have told him that lying is not acceptable (many times) and that I need to be able to trust him, it seems to go in one ear and out the other.

So you are saying I should let him back into our home and Plan A it for a while to see what happens...should I have a talk with him about honesty or just let it go this time?

Forget about the honesty talk. Why would you expect a big liar to be honest?

Mine is still living with the OW (and continuing to lie about it) after 3 years. That is what WS's do.

But if you never have him around your home, how can he see all of the wonderful changes you are making?

Believer
I know you are right, he needs to see us in our environment and it should be a good time, this will help with Plan A as far as depositing love units in the bank.

thanks again

We posted at the same time thanks again, you are right

losttranslation

Thank you so much for the link, Plan A has more clarity for me now. You are right Ark did write a good posting and is queen of Plan A.

I have a question however - always questions aren't there!

I have exposed the A to partners parents who live in Australia via email about a month ago, got no reply, not sure if they knew already or just don't know what to say. My family and friends obviously already know what is going on. My question is should I tell my BF's relatives, work colleagues and any friends I have email address for of what has happened? Or should I let things rest given the time lapse, I don't want to come across as the scorned GF who has been ditched! I am pretty sure that none of his relatives, friends etc know the real reason for our separation.

in my most humble opinion, expose away! shout it from the roof tops. take out full page ad's in the times. i think the idea is to focus the full glare of public attention on the affair and its participants. you dont have to be nasty about it to mutual friends etc. you can just say "thought i would ldet you know what has really been going on with us...you probably already know that x and i are seperated at the mo, what you probably dont know is the x has moved in with y and it seems has been carrying in with them before we seperated..." not very poetic but you get the hint. just state the facts. no histrionics or embellishments. the facts are damning enough. ;-)

Carolyn

Carolyn Thanks for your reply

I only have email addresses for friends so would be emailing them. His work colleagues I could phone and mention it when I ask to speak to him. His relatives I have a combination of email, phone or write. My main concern is that we have agreed to separate and we are not working to reconciliation at all, and he is living with OW, so not sure if it is appropriate anymore! He really isn't interested in reconciling and I know that this normal, but I don't want to open a hornets nest.

I made phone call to him today to arrange with him to see daughter on Sunday, he said did we agree to this date, I said yes you have it in an email. So at the moment he is coming on Sunday at 10am. He really didn't seem to be aware of when he would be seeing his daughter, but not sure if this is because I suspect that he is going away this weekend and hasn't told me yet! Time will tell. So I am thinking about doing the exposing after seeing him on Sunday to avoid conflict for the 1st visit to his daughter after a break of 3 weeks.

Does anyone else have an opinion on the exposing? Is it a good idea?

it will stir up a hornets nest, there is not getting around that. maybe look at it this way, if he was proud of his behavior, way deep down proud of his behavior, he would have already been shouting it from the roof tops. but he hasnt. he has been keeping his residential status a secret, even from you. he knows what he is doing is wrong. When you expose him, he will feel very very uncomfortable and he will probably resent you for telling people and making him answer all sorts of difficult questions from his friends and family. but it is the only way i think to bring the harsh light of real life to their little charade of happy houses.

one thing i mentioned before and i was going to follow up with was the child support. have you got a CSA order in place? if not, is he paying you support for the child? if not, i would really suggest you give the CSA a call and find out what your options are. I know this will sound really cold and i dont mean it too but if the fact that you are taking a chunck out of his salary every month could work in your favour as an incentive to consider reconciliation.

I know you are right, I have to tarnish their 'happy house' and yes I agree if he was proud of what he had done he wouldn't be hiding anything.

Hey, I don't even know his new address and had to snoop to find out his living status with OW, but I have managed to find out his home number, but he doesn't know this, and I'm not telling him. I have phoned it to confirm that she is there and surprise surprise she answered the phone and I promptly hung up <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> The funny thing was that when I confronted him about living with OW he said it was none of my business and wanted to know if I had someone following him! I had to laugh to myself, as if I would waste money on that, when I can do a pretty good job myself!

We have a private agreement for daughter. He pays me a weekly amount and also pays for half of her child care costs. This is not cheap adds up to about £1050 per month in total, so think that this is stinging his pocket. He has threaten to stop paying the child care costs due to not seeing this daughter when I requested some time out so I could get re-composed after finding out he was living with OW, but hasn't yet stopped the payment. So thanks for inquiring, I think I will see what CSA has to say about how much he should pay me, I think he might be overpaying at the moment so don't want to change that, because my living expenses are very expensive with having to rent a 2 bedroom flat in central london and pay for half of child care costs.

It doesn't seem fair does it, he has A, starts living with OW and I end up having to pay sh*t loads in living expenses!

where about in central london are you? i live in central london too.

if you dont want to post that info on this forum, you can email me privately at [email]DELETED[/email]

That is probably significnatly more than you would get through the CSA as it is a flat 15% of income and doesnt take into account child care costs and stuff like that. i know we pay the xow something like £400 a month in total for CS and i know her childcare costs are twice that alone (oh what a shame, cry me a river lol). london is ridiculously expensive and it just keeps getting more so.

* edited to add the paragraph i accidentally deleted before posting

I have to give him credit that he has been good at paying money for his daughter.

I live around Lancaster Gate and Bayswater. Where abouts do you live. Maybe we could meet up if you would like.

i live in Hackney. on the other side of london. eeeek! i can imagine your expenses would be huge living over there. very nice part of town but i always thought really expensive. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

coffee would ge good sometime.

Carolyn Just sent you an email with contact number.

Yes a nice part of London to live, really good for daughter with Hyde Park not far way. Hopefull hear from you soon.

Post below I made yesterday - any opinions?
I have thought about telling his work colleagues, but since OW doesn't work with him don't think this is appropriate

Quote:
I have exposed the A to partners parents who live in Australia via email about a month ago, got no reply, not sure if they knew already or just don't know what to say. My family and friends obviously already know what is going on. My question is should I tell my BF's relatives and any friends I have email address for of what has happened? Or should I let things rest given the time lapse, I don't want to come across as the scorned GF who has been ditched! I am pretty sure that none of his relatives, friends etc know the real reason for our separation.

bump...

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Post deleted by NZGirl