thanks Orchid that is definitely an option.

My IC thinks I should drop the issue of WBF babysitting, her reasoning is that his life is all about him at the moment and he isn't ready to be a Dad unless it suits him! He made an offer that he knew I wouldn't accepted and then can blame me for not accepting his terms when in reality he doesn't want to do it, because it will be impacting on his social life!

Another thought was to say I was considering his offer but would need to see where DD would be and where she would sleep etc and see what reaction that got from him. I currently don't know his address and did know is home telephne number but they changed it because I think they knew I knew it! (a few hang up calls to confirm OW was living there oops! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> ) He doesn't want me to know anything about his life so me going to his new flat I am sure wouldn't go down well - with him and OW

Hi All

My WBF visited DD last night for the 1st time in 3 weeks, he has been away for work in Ireland. He arrived back late Wednesday night and visited Thursday evening, which surprised me because I would have thought that he would be keen to spend evening with OW. (They live together). He seemed to have really missed DD and made a couple of 'we' statements. e.g. I remember the first time we bought DD a pair of shoes.

Is this a good sign -
1. that he seemed to missed DD a lot (can WBF missing DD be a factor in him finishing things with OW and considering reconciliation)
2. the 'we' statements

The other interesting thing is that I have been teaching DD to say 'hello Paul' - WBF name. And when I prompted her to say it, he said no call me Daddy. I am purposely moving DD away from calling him Daddy, IC thinks that this is in the best interest of DD for the future, because he has been so transient in her life, and DD needs to associate the word 'Daddy' with safety, security, stability and reliability, if things don't work out DD and Myself will be going back to NZ to live, leaving WBF here in London.

Am I reading too much into all of this?

Hi
Not such a good weekend. On Sunday I did a 10km fun run, pushed DD in pram all the way. I mentioned to WBF that I would be doing this run and that when he turned up at 10am on Sunday we wouldn't be there. Expecting him to ask if he should come earlier and look after DD whilst I did the run, he asked oh what time should I turn up then 11 or 12? So I did the run and had fun, DD enjoyed herself but I was mad with with WBF, and when he turned up I told him so and also told him that I thought him not babysitting DD once a week during the weekend at my home wasn't very fair.

We argued and I went over old ground again about the A and why did he do it (and I know I shouldn't do this), and why didn't you try to work on our relationship. I also told him again that OW isn't welcome in DD life and he had agreed that OW would have nothing to do with DD, and since he was living with OW is offer of babysitting DD at his home was out of the question. He said he didn't want to spend half of his weekend in my home and that he was sick of taking it up the a*se from me.

This really threw me, if any one has had a hard time I think it is me, he has lied his pants off about everything, taken OW into our home whilst I was out of the country, and I look after DD 24 x 7. I really do think that WBF and BS think that they can sh*t all over people and then expect things to be ok with the people they sh*t over. Jeepers creepers I shake my head even now thinking about it.

Well that is my venting over and done with.

Went to Lawyer to today and found out that the law has changed. My WBF has more rights now, he can stop me leaving the country if he wanted. I have to get him to formally agree that he won&#8217;t do that.

My intention at the Lawyer was to formalise the no contact with OW, but am thinking I should let this go now, because he won&#8217;t agree with it and I have no legal ground to stand on. I could only try to prove that DD needs a stable environment and she is too young (19 months) to be spend time overnight with WBF.

Since we didn&#8217;t have a good day on Sunday I think I will leave things as they are for a while until things settle down and then introduce the legal document where he agrees that I can return to NZ with DD. I am a bit worried about all of this, I thought I had more rights than I do which would let me leave the UK whenever I wanted to and control DD contact with OW. I am worried, because WBF has promised verbally that he would never stop me returning to NZ if I wanted to. He also agreed with me that OW would have nothing to do with DD, but now seems to be of the opinion that this is ok.

Sorry you found that out. Your husband is being the typical WH. They act like they are entitled to everything, and then have the nerve to complain about the BS. It stinks, but is just part of the script.

Try to stay in Plan A, with no relationship talk, no LB's. That is your best bet.

Good for you for going on the run. Those are the kinds of things that will make you feel better.

((((NZgirl)))),

sorry to see things have not been going well for you. i have to say i am stunned by the legal advice you have gotten. it contradicts just about everything i have ever heard or seen happen in the uk legal system. My h is rather well connected in the field of fathers rights and he reckons your wbf stands a snowballs chance of actually stopping you going home if that is what you want. he thinks he would have a hard time even getting the courts over here to hear his case given his status as a NZ'nder, the fact that your daughter was not born here and the fact you all never intended to settle permenently. no judge is going to force you to settle here against your will.

he also thinks the chances of your h getting overnights at 19 months is next to zip. Our oc is 30 months and we are facing an uphill battle on the same front. You might have trouble specifiying who your daughter spends time with. our xow tried that and our lawyers said it wouldnt wash and i guess her lawyer did as well cause she dropped it.

big hugs sweetie! sorry for not returning your email the other day. My week has been bloody madness and i couldnt seem to find two minutes to catch my breath and order my brain. I will email you tommorow if thats ok and hopefully we can reschedule.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

cheers

carolyn

Hi Everyone

Just had an interesting incident with WBF - we went to DD day care parent evening, he expressed that he wanted to go, so I got a babysitter in. Afterward as we got to my door he asked for my home phone number so he can call me when he gets there (he only has my mobile number) I said he didn't need it, assuming he was talking about calling me when he gets back to flat with OW to check on DD who is sick at the moment. He said it would be expensive to call from Australia - I said I didn't realise you were actually going, and that he had mentioned that he might be going for 2 weeks and he would discuss it later with me (this was about 3 weeks ago) and I never heard anything else about the matter.

I told him to text me or email me, that would be fine, and that is what he did when he went to Ireland for work for 3 weeks not so long ago. His comment which is interesting was I guess I won't get your home number when you go back to New Zealand either then. I thought, jeepers, I don't know your home number, I don't even know where you live right now...seems to be double standards here!

Was I right in not giving him my home number?

Hi I have not posted for a while, WBF has returned from Australia, DD was sick when he left and he made a song and dance about getting my home number to ring me whilst he was away so he could check on her. Took him 12 days for him to send a text message to see how she was.

I have since found out that the main driver for the trip was to attend a friends wedding in Sydney not see his Mother who was apparently very depressed after breaking her hip Dec last year. He stayed in Sydney for about 12 days and the went to Adelaide for 4 days to see parents. I know OW went to the wedding in Sydney and think that she probably went to Adelaide to meet his parents also - a bit annoyed about this really.

Anyhow, he texted me to see how DD was and to phone him at parents home which I did, after a very short conversation I hung up and then got a text message saying he would ring me in the weekend when he gets back. He arrived back on Saturday morning about 7am and phoned me 8.15pm that night and left message on voice mail to organise seeing DD the next day

I picked message up and phone him back the next morning saying we had other plans now cos I had not heard from him. He got angry and said this was [censored] and that I knew it, that Sunday was his day to see DD. I calmly explained that I hadn't heard from you and thought that you must be jet lagged or maybe you hadn't arrived back in country at all. Still not happy so I hung up. Phoned him back 30 mins later on and told him I had changed plans from lunch to dinner and he could see DD from 10am to 4pm. Didn't even get a thank you

Now I think I didn't do anything wrong, I hadn't heard from him on Saturday, and he arrived back in the country early that morning and if seeing DD was such a priority he would have phoned asap. Seems that 8.15pm was the only time he could ring me when OW wasn't around! Great isn't it.

He turned up and for the 1st time I realise I have no feelings of affection for him. I feel that I am much stronger now and can see through all the bullsh*t for what it really is and see him for what he really is. Life is getting better slowly.

Very proud of u. But next time don't rearrange any plans to fit a WS in. WS' don't fit anywhere. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Now be prepared that as you pull away he may come towards you, then what?

L.

Hi Orchid

Thank you for your response. I am not sure he will come toward me. Last night he mentioned that he had seen a lawyer and wants to change the way he gets to see DD. Currently I am involved on Sunday visits because I do not trust him and we have an agreement that OW has nothing to do with DD.

He also mentioned that he wants to formalise child support amount for when I return to New Zealand (which is late this year or early next year, dependent on work). Wouldn't name a figure to open up the discussion, so not sure what he has in mind.

Also wants me to agree to allowing him to come to New Zealand and take DD to Australia to see his parents. Told him I can't see this happening until DD is a teenager and she is happy to do it. He said he can't see why this can't happen sooner, like in the next few years. Told him that DD would be traumatised to be taken from her safe and secure environment in New Zealand by someone who will be a stranger to her to another country to visit strange people. Not sure he is getting this point.

Also, mentioned to me that I need to get his permission to take DD out of the country (UK) permanently, this is true, but I reminded him that I have his verbal agreement to do this and am not sure why we are discussing this.

He then went into his business and what is going on there, wasn't too interested in this really, but he seems to need to talk to me about this for whatever reason.

He said we would talk some more on Sunday when he comes to see DD.

In answer to your question:-
Now be prepared that as you pull away he may come towards you, then what?

I have always said I wanted to take things slowly, no contact with OW would need to be established (he would need to stop living with her etc), he needs to show committment to working on things and must do counselling, and guess we would see what happens if these things are established. I don't think that this will happen though given the things he wanted to discuss last night.