Do you know any of his AA buddies? Is he openly seeing the OW? Are you snooping on him?

I dont know any of his AA buddies, I mean he has introduced me to some if we run into them around town but other than that..no...

He doesnt see the OW openly...no one knows of this affair. She is the only female officer in thier department and he is the closest to her so I am sure someone has got to suspect something.

I dont really snoop on him because there really isnt anything to snoop at...besides our cell phone bill where I see calls to one another but other than that he works and goes to AA meetings..he is home everynight..he may not be physically w/ her right now but he is still emotionally connected to her.

H just stopped in my office (we work in same bldg) to tell me that realtor called him to give him price of what we could ask for our home...we just have to sit down and talk about it..I told him I have nothing to talk about, as I dont want any part of a separation, dont want a divorce and I will not contribute to the fall-out of our marriage. H says so this is all on me to figure out? I told him, yes. He is the one wanting out so he can do what he has to do but I will have no part of it..he just kinda scrunched up his face and walked out.

Could someone know if that was the correct thing to say to him

That was awesome!

Now get to work on your exposure list!

Is OW married?

no...she is divorced and has a 10 year old son

Do not sell your house before you have seeked legal advice. My sister's x/w/h talked her into selling the house, before the divorce and he pocketed the proceedings and left her out in the cold.

Exposure list? If I tell his parents that would be HUGE !!! His mom/stepdad are very active in church and this would be a huge blow to them..I am very close to his family and believe that would be alot of emotional support but this would infuriate my H and dont know if it would be a wise move on my part.

Welcome. Right now you need to decide if you are willing to infuriate your husband to try to save your marriage. It is time to expose to their work, his family, and any close friends.

You are unknowingly aiding the affair by keeping it a secret.

Don't sell your home. Tell your husband you don't want a divorce OR a separation. Trial separation is just another word for trying out the OW. Sheesh!

I know how miserable it is at first. You may want to see a doctor for some anti-D's to help you through this mess.

you are very right..I know that I am aiding their affair by keeping this a secret...I have kept this secret from family & our friends since I first found out (February 14, 2003). I have confided in only one friend, only because I just couldnt keep all my feelings in anymore and needed to confide in someone.

what am I supposed to tell a dr., my primary will just give me meds if I ask her?

I am just afraid that if I infuriate him that I will just make his decision to end things that much easier..although, I have done the opposite by being sweet, forgiving, loving, understanding..and look where it has got me...no where.

I got anti-D's from my primary care doc. I (tearfully) explained that I couldn't eat, sleep, or think. They took about 22 days to kick in, and really helped me. I stayed on them just over a year, and then gradually tapered off.

They helped take the edge off so that I could concentrate on what I needed to do.

Exposure WILL infuriate him. And he will say that it was the final straw, that he now wants a divorce, blah, blah, blah. But it is the thing that gives your marriage the best chance to pull out of this.

anti-D's may be a good idea..I am so wishy washy..one minute I am feeling good thinking ok maybe a separation would help, then I am crying not wanting it and feeling very desperate.

I have little interest in anything, this is consuming every part of my day...as it is I am at work and not able to get away from this site. I sleep very little, I just lay there and think about all the what if's..and how long this would have been going on if I didnt find out everything would be the same, but then I wouldnt want to live that way either..sharing my H w/ OW...The whole emotional thing he has w/ her is what really kills me.

He wants to talk to the children soon about this (4,10,14) and then will be the family..should we do this together?

Most of us went through the same thing, and it is extremely miserable, but does get MUCH better. Get some anti-D's. I went around like a zombie at work for months.

I would talk to the children with him.

But first, I would EXPOSE him at work and to his parents. Let everyone know that you desire to save your marriage, but there is a pesky OW involved in it now, and you would like their help.

If he talks to his parents he will put a certain spin on it - he will likely blame you, deny that the OW is a problem (if he even mentions her), etc.

He is taking full responsability for all of this and I do not believe that he would tell his parents, or anyone for that matter, that this is my fault. Yes, he is a liar regarding this A, the OW, etc.

What are we supposed to tell our children? They dont see us fighting, we get along very well together...how are they supposed to understand or comprehend why daddy wants a separation and that their family wont be together anymore? The children will be separate from one another as the 2 older ones (my step children) will live w/ him (from a previous marriage) and our 4 year old will be w/ me.

EXPOSE the affair. It breaks my heart to see 2 children who are living in a happy family have to be torn away from it because dad is having an affair.

The chances of the affair lasting are extremely low. What a terrible thing to do to those kids for a piece of A**.

You are on your way to losing your marriage. I hope you will get the courage to expose. You are the only one thinking clearly here. Please step up to defend your family.

I have been w/his children since they were 1 & 5 (now 10 & 14) they are like my own .. they have lived in our home the entire time..I would miss them dearly and I hate to have them be separated from their little brother (4)...

I am soo scared to Expose him to his family..I very much want to but I am afraid it will backfire on me. What will I gain if I tell his family their son is a cheater and he wants "out" of this marriage?

You are right I do need to gain some courage, I just dont know how to find it. I havent ever once lost my cool or temper about this affair..I keep talking rationally, calmly..I just cant find the anger..I wish I could just explode but I cant...what is wrong w/ me?

Sweetie - You don't tell his family that their son is a cheater and wants out of the marriage. You let them know that he has another OW, and it is causing tremendous problems. That you don't want to lose your family. That you would appreciate their support in saving your marriage.

Then you contact work and let them know the same thing. See if the OW could be transferred.

Then batten down the hatches. Your husband will be furious, like they all are. Just let him know that you will do what it takes to keep your family together.

well 1st off the OW cant be transferred, no where to transfer to...we live in a small town, our p.d. is only of 24 officers, 4 seargeants (one of which is my H), chief & Lt.

so I should start maybe by calling up my Mother in law and talking to her..lives 3 hours away..I believe she thinks something is going on anyway...a few weeks ago I took my 4 year old w/ me to VA (8 hrs from us)to see my sister..this is totally un-characteristic of myself.. I just needed to get away..she called me when I got back asked if everything was ok and that I should of called her and she would have came w/ me..of course I said everything was fine I just missed my sister and wanted to see her...WOW.now i am the one lying..do it all the time whenever anyone asks how are you doing? I just smile and say everything is good and how about you?

I want so much to just spill the beans and lay it out.. I am just a private person and find it hard to put my problems on other people..it is easy doing it through posts. But face to face..very difficult for me.

By the way I thank you so much for listening to me.

Yikes. If your husband is a sgt. that opens up the possibility of a sexual harrassment lawsuit. I live in Oceanside CA. About 10 years ago we had a female police officer who filed a suit against the PD for sexual harrassment. She was also sleeping with a married sgt. She was awarded 3 million dollars.

YIKES !!! is right..."oh what a tangled web we weave when first we learn to deceive"...He has made a nice little mess for us hasnt he?