The only person that I can think of here whose marriage counseling, during an active affair was successful, is spider-slayer. But she was also in Plan A, and had exposed the OW. Right after exposure, the OW dumped her husband. He agreed to MC just to make the divorce easier. They are together again, and very happy.

I know you have all told me to expose and I still have not done anything..please, dont get frustrated w/ me or give up on me..I do want my M to survive and I know now that I have to be the one to take the steps to make it survive.

As long as I dont bring up his A, him asking for separation, selling the house, etc...he doesnt bring it up. I am always the one to initiate any type of conversation regarding our current situation. So I have stopped doing that..I wont even entertain the idea to him.

I am always the one to initiate any type of conversation regarding our current situation. So I have stopped doing that..I wont even entertain the idea to him.
That is exactly how to do it.
Don't discuss it unless you want it.

fewww...wow..I am finally on to something and doing something right!!!

Don't initiate or participate in any discussion about breaking up your family! Good job.

Next, expose the affair to everyone.

Next, identify what needs the OW is meeting and do a better job of meeting them.

Show your husband a POSITIVE attitude towards repairing your marriage. Let your husband know that you know how to fix it, as soon as he gets rid of the OW.

MC is a total waste of time and money when your husband is having an affair. We already know what the problem is -- the affair.

We're going to battle that here -- using these strategies.

Make your exposure list. Now. Right this very minute.

being that my H is a recovering Alchoholic I do believe he has addictive behaviors and that this A has become just that an; addiction..

he has told me over and over again that I have done nothing wrong to contribute to this A..that I am a wonderful Wife, giving, emotionally & physically, etc..I have asked him if there is anything that he needs from me and he insists that there is nothing more that he could ask for from a W.

My exposure list would include absolutely everyone in my life..no one knows (that I am aware of) perhaps co-workers suspect.

His mom & step-dad (whom is a minister)
His dad & step-mom
His brothers
My sister (only one in my family, I am close to or speak with)

His Boss
OW's Boss

Do you know OW's family? I know you said its a small town. Are her parents there? Sisters? She's not married....any boyfriend?

OK....now decide how you want to tell them. Over the phone? In person? I'd do that with the bosses. Tell them you need their help and support in ending the affair between H and OW (do not call it a relationship...always call it an affair)

Tell them facts. Its been going on XXX long. I need your help and support to keep my family together.

Next....when? Like Mel advised...don't warn him or her ahead of time -- they will try to diffuse you. Like tell people that you are crazy or imagining something.

Do it all in one day or as close together as you can. Your husband is going to be furious. THATS OK. (remember who really has the right to be angry here -- thats you, NOT HIM)

He's going to spew garbage at you. IGNORE IT ALL. He's going to tell you that he was planning to work things out with you until YOU RUINED IT ALL. Now he has no choice but to divorce you.... BLAH BLAH BLAH. Its all garbage, ignore it.

Keep a mantra going in your head "I'm doing this to save my family."

Keep telling him: "I will do anything necessary to save our marriage and family. I need the love and support of all of them to help ME get through the pain of your affair."

Tell the bosses today at work. Start telling family tonight. Tell the rest that you can't get to tonight -- tomorrow.

Big ditto to Lexxy! jh, hold your breath and force yourself to do it. Lexxy is giving you excellent advice. Once you get started, you will feel so much better. I agree very much that you should expose to OW's family, particularly her parents.

I should point out that MOST affairs are addictive in nature. I am a recovered alcoholic and I very much relate to the addictive dynamics of an affair. This is probably why I understand the WS side of things so much better than the BS, even though I AM a BS.

AAAHHHH !!!

Feeling so much anxiety right now..shaking just typing this post.

Her family is very close, nice people.

She is D and lives w/ her 10 yr. old son.

We are supposed to go away to his parents camp this weekend, should I cancel plans or tell them while we are there?

As far as their boss (Chief just walked past my door)..they knew of A when it was exposed intitially back in 2/03..nothing was done, what could they do?

jh, I would tell his parents TODAY, before you go. And when you are done with exposure, sit down your H and tell him you have exposed him. But don't do it until you done.

I would still go tell the Chief and ask him what he intends to do about it. Or do you need to take it over his head? Tell him that you are trying to save your marriage and need his help in breaking up this affair. I don't think folks will be glad to hear that he allows this kind of unprofessional behavior in his department.

How do you know he knew of the affair in 2003? Did you tell him yourself?

Then, move onto HER parents and other key family members. Do you know what you need to say?

hon, we know it is scary. Go read weneedhelp's last page of his thread. He is going through the same thing. But, just remember, this is your best hope to save your marriage, jh. You are doing the right thing.

Jaded - exposure is not so that people can "do" anything. It is too shed light on the affair. It names the problem. Otherwise your husband and OW will spin the story how they want to. They may say that you and your husband decided to split up, and THEN they got together.

Expose the affair because they thrive in secrecy.

I confided in a friend back in 03 and she told her H (who is a former friend of my H) and he went to the Chief & Lt. (only because he does things to make himself look good and for self-gratification, not to help me).

This dept. is screwy..as long as the City is clean, expenses stay under budget, blah blah..everything else is secondary...the only person I can go to that is above the Chief is the Mayor, whom I indirectly work for.

believer makes an excellent point, jh. The Chief doesn't even need to DO anything to make this successful. Just the accumulated effect of all these exposures will take all the fun out of the affair. An affair thrives on secrecy. When the infidels are forced to explain their sleazy behavior, they begin to see themselves through the eyes of others. Just that aspect is a powerful splash of reality on the fantasy.

Take the approach ML is suggesting.
Talk to him with the expectation that he is going to take action.

He has a Sargeant having an affair with a subordinate. This is not acceptable in any organization. Is the Chief an elected official? In any political environment, there should be concern.

I'd tell the family while you are there.

Of course, you have no way of knowing what he said. As far as the Chief knew, you were perfectly happy with the set up and not kicking up a dust so maybe he had no reason to intervene.

Go talk to the man, jh.

I read weneedhelp's thread...very moving.

No the Chief is an appointed official, as am I, from the Mayor.

I want to expose this A and be done w/ it and I know once I make the first step, the next will be easier. Just making that first step!!!!

And I realize, as you have told me, that the longer I wait the sooner my M will end.

I am hearing all of you and take your advise very seriously..I wish there was an easier was to do this but I know there isnt.

jh, today is a good day to start because you will have the weekend to deal with it. Please move forward and save your marriage. Take the first step, jh.

I am the only one in my office until Tuesday. If I go and talk to Chief I know I will break down and cry like a baby, how professional is that?

In order to be fair to everyone here..I am taking of the position to not post until I take steps of my own to end this A.

You have all been very helpful and supportive and offering great advise and all I do is keep going in circles as to why I shouldnt expose, etc.

It is fair, nor should I expect that you keep sharing your experiences w/ me when I still have done nothing for myself.

I dont want you to feel that you are wasting your time with me