sorry took so long to reply..off yesterday and only time I can get on computer is at work.

The only thing I can think of is that the last time i "thought" A was over I went deep inside myself and offered forgiveness..Perhaps she believes this will happen again..FAT CHANCE!!!

I get sick to my stomache and instantly angry when I hear my H's cell phone beep (sound made when receives a text)..I am the only other person that texts him..Too me this is extremely disrespectul that they are communicating this way..basically in my own home. And being our phones are on the same bill, I am helping pay for this A to continue.

You have entered the twilight zone? Well welcome, as I am living in it.

I had such a crappy weekend I almost wanted to tell H that maybe a separation would be a good idea.

Sorry to hear that. I was thinking about you this weekend and hoping that things would go well.

Before you lose all love for your H and all hope for your marriage....PLEASE try the Plans here.

Expose this affair NOW. Tell OW to F-off.

Tell us more about your weekend. How were your in-laws? The cell-phone beeping? Does that mean she was contacting him all weekend?

Hi,
This is my first reply and my first message on here. I am new to this website and have only read a few things here myself. I am in a somewhat similar situation as you only I am a little further down the road a little. (a road though I still don't know where it is headed!) I have been married nearly 4 years, but have know my husband for 7. I found out about 1 1/2 years ago he too was having an affair with someone he works with (and has to travel with a few times a year). I love my husband very much and do not want a divorce. He had been in the affair for 5 months when I found out...he then nor now knows for sure what he wants. He moved out of the house 1year and 3 months ago. Much talk about not wanting to be married anymore... just want to go and go as he pleases. Pretty much that is it! The other woman still works with him... I think still involved with however he says they aren't a couple? What does that mean? Bed buddies? I don't know! He and I also rarely fought, still get along great when we are together and the conversation doesn't come up... still have sex from time to time... goes to church with me... went on two trips with him this summer! I want a decision made, yet know that pushing someone who isn't ready might not be a good idea. I really don't know what advice to give you other than to say, if you love your husband, be patient and as loving as possible. Find books on the subject of rebuilding and finding out his needs, and his love language. Pray a lot!! Keep picking yourself up! I know, may sound like good advice, but also can be hard to do at times! Believe me I know! I figure until the divorce papers are filed and signed... there is hope! Email me anytime, I could use the friendship with someone who understands! Hopefully for both of us this will be a time for growth in our lives. And a time to see what we both made of. Just don't rush into anything you may regret. I do know how emotions run high and how quickly feelings can come and go. I was told one time not to let your feelings run your life, but do what is right, and the feelings will come. I keep trying to do that and pray my husband will as well. I do agree, that in order to ever get over an affair, contact needs to be cut off. Mine hasn't nor sounds like your has either. From time to time I do mention that to my husband that we can never have a chance of working things out as long as those ties are there! Hang in there!

RE: Confused single choice

what is this? (0%, 0 Votes)

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Total Votes: 1 Voting on this poll ends: 09/07/05 11:13 AM

justme, can I suggest you start your own thread so folks can help you there? You won't get much help buried down here at the bottom of jadedheart's thread. Welcome. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thank you for thinking of me.

Weekend didnt go as planned. We were supposed to spend the whole weekend..Friday he said we would go Saturday, Saturday came and he only wanted to go for the day. Sunday we went to his grandmothers for dinner and then home to hang out and watched the race. Sunday he worked so I picked up his grandmother, loaded up the kids and went to camp.

His cell phone rang Saturday a.m. before we left for camp, he checked his messages and went on w/ getting ready..no mention of anything just basically ignored it. (Not sure when he called her back because we were together all day). Just aggrevates me!

She hasnt sent me any more messages since the one on Friday (which I ignored..sorry Lexxy). But I promise you this, if I get any more...I will send the F-U back!!

Have you considered doing anything to save your marriage?

Of course I have. I am really confused about Plan A/B...I am assuming before going into Plan B you must expose..I believe that I have done Plan A or havent I?...being nice, comforting, basically a doormat.

jh, what you haven't done is the most important thing: EXPOSURE. There is no use doing anything else until you have done that. THAT is Plan A.

Pepperband wrote this:

The carrot of Plan A

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.

The stick of Plan A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

Plan A which is ~only~ a carrot or ~only~ a stick, is not a true Plan A.

Pep

so I have nothing left to do other than EXPOSE!! anything else I do or say is basically worthless until I take a stand.

As it is I believe that he maybe trying to make his family think less of me..so if I dont act fast, I am (you know what)..

Exactly....

o.k. so I am a little slow and maybe a little stubborn..but you guys have all done this and as I read more and more threads, I am hearing the same thing. EXPOSE!!!

That is *IF* you want to save your marriage. If you don't want to save it, then keep doing what you are doing and you will keep getting what you are now.

Exposure is not for the weak of heart, though. It will make the affairees furious to have their affair ruined. They will rant and rave and make all manner of threats. But....it will blow over. Exposure will deliver a huge blow to the affair, hopefully a fatal blow, if done right. Are you strong enough to do it?

You said something a while back about not understanding how someone can claim to not be "strong enough" to battle an affair but strong enough to handle the inevitalbe divorce.

You are absolutely correct but I still dont know how I can get the ***** to just do it. I should be able to, why cant I?

You can. It's not a matter of can't, but won't. You just have to make the choice to not allow your fears to hold you back. Everyone feels FEAR, but not everyone CHOOSES to be ruled by their fears.

As BobPure would ask you: " What would you do if you weren't afraid ?"

You would rather lose your marriage and break up your family than risk your H's anger, right? Isn't that what it all comes down to?

I hate it when you are so right!!! I may print that out and post it above my monitor so I see it all day.

I guess if you put it that way...

You are right..I dont want to deal w/ his anger but I dont want a divorce either and I am sick and tired of living a lie..going around smiling, not saying anything bad about him..hearing people say what a "good" H he is...ugghh

jh, Please listen to Meoldy as she knows of what she is talking about. I was in a similar position to yours and was fearful of exposing. Well I did it (with the help of Melody and others) and it has inflicted mortal blow to my WW's EA. You WS will be furious at first, but don't fight with her just tell her you did it because you love her and want to save the marriage.

It can be done. You can do this.