Yes I did send the reply letter, no he has not yet responded.

I am going to Call my insurance comp. on my lunch hour to see what they cover..I know they cover individual counseling not sure of marriage counseling though

oh..just wanted to mention...yesterday he took the day off from work..we didnt do a whole lot.. I mentioned that my car was filthy and when I got back from the grocery store I was going to clean it. But when I got back he helped me w/ the groceries, he washed my car, cleaned & vaccumed the inside of it & made dinner..of course, I thanked him and he said I dont mind washing your car but I said you didnt have to and I really appreciate you doing it.

Just did another nice thing for me...I have a meeting after work and I forgot something I needed to bring..I could have gotten it on my way to the meeting but he went out of his way this afternoon to bring it to me, so I had less running around to do.

Just sent him a text to say thank you

did you and your husband go to the same school and both major in...

CONFLICT AVOIDERS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You and he are very very good it at....
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

he writes you a letter
you write him a letter

and no one says a word about either letter!!!!!!!!!!!!

[color:"red"] WARNING WARNING WARNING!!!! [/color]
[color:"purple"]CONFLICT AVOIDERS!!!! [/color]
[color:"red"]DANGER!! DANGER!! DANGER!! [/color]

Do I detect a PATTERN here...

hmmmmmmmmmmm
any one else see this or is it just lil ole me?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />


ARK^^^^^^

I am very confused here...I was always the one to bring things up about what was going on with us..then you all tell me that if he doesnt bring it up then I shouldnt either....uggghhh

Did he not bring things up in the letter he wrote you...??

didn't he kind of send a letter to you out of the blue..
refering to some blame...in a round about way..
and didn't you reply..



right??

yes ..

I am always the one to bring up our relationship, what is going on w/ him, where do we go from here, etc. Whenever I bring up the subject I usually here something negative. If I dont bring anything up then life goes on as usual..For example the last conversation we had in regard to this situation we are in, was regarding him talking to a realtor to see how much we can get for our house..and he said we just have to sit down and discuss everything..I told him that I dont want to sell the house, I dont want a separation or divorce and will not have any part of our marriage failing...he said so this is all up to me to take care of? and I said yes...he scrunched his face and walked away....that was like 3 weeks ago...nothing has been said since.

See so if I dont say anything..he doesnt bring it up and if he does it is in a letter...why? The only reason I can think of is because he knows that I will cry. I told it doesnt matter if I cry, I still need to know what is going on; he cant possilby hurt me anymore than I am hurting now.

So do I keep tip toeing around the topic and continue w/ the kindness, etc. or do I keep bringing up the topic? I thought if I kept bringing it up that I would be making the OW look good to him...I am very confused now

you said..
I was always the one to bring things up about what was going on with us..then you all tell me that if he doesnt bring it up then I shouldnt either....uggghhh

Do you not think his letter was an attempt on his side about some sort of communicating about the relationship ?

there is no right or wrong answer...

I saw a man write a babble letter..BUT still it was a letter...
with some reference to his perhaps not so nice behavior...

ARK

Not too much to talk about other than I am having an extremely bad day...finally got the nerve to call and set up an appt. to speak to a counselor..and I have let 2 of my co-workers in on the fact as to why I really went to the dr.(not for just a yearly checkup), they were very supportive...so I am getting to the point where I think I can get this whole A out in the open...I am really, really doing very badly today...maybe I will chat tomorrow

Hugs Jaded. We've all btdt.

- Kimmy

jaded quit giving your husband all of this power over you that you somehoe only hold value and worth in this universe based on any actions or inactions of your spouse...

the power you give away
stagnates you
immobilizes you
tolerates intolerable acts

you hold great value and wonder in this earth because of you alone...

be strong
be brave

ark

thank you so much for your compassion..

Last night was not a good night either. We got in a pretty heated argument. I kept hearing your words of avoiding conflict so instead of keeping my feelings and thoughts bottled up I tried speaking to him..calmly, of course (wow, did that backfire on me). He responded by saying I was prepared on having this conversation w/ you. He said I told you I needed time to figure things out on my own, but instead of trying to do things rationally together, I (me) have taken the stand that I wont have any part of selling the house or contributing to the break-up of our marriage. So he says he has had to re-think how he was going to go about things. I told him that I made an appt. for counseling and he said he will have no part of counseling, he knows he is the problem and doesnt need anyone to tell him that. He told me that we are splitting up, we are selling the house, he is going on his own and that's the way things are going to be. Then I asked him, being she spent nearly an hour in his office again (on her day off) if he felt people at work didnt think anything was going on...he just got kind of a blank look on his face. I told him I was very confused about his actions...you say you want to separate but we still act like a couple; lie on the couch together, sleep in the same bed, have sex, joke around, go places together, do family things, etc. He then exploded telling me I was backing him into a corner and if I want to have space then he will give it to me...I never even said that...he is the one saying he needs and wants space. He then went out in the garage for a while, came back in, we got ready for bed..I told him I would sleep on the couch because I couldnt lie next to him in bed pretending that I didnt want to be next to him and he got mad again; telling me he didnt want me on the couch, he wanted to lie next to me, that he never said he didnt want to be near me or spend time with me...

So anyway..he has total control over the situation. I am feeling very weak and vulnerable and dont know where to go from here.

He doesn't have total control. He just thinks he does. There is something quite foggy about what is in his mind. Can't you see it?

NO I cant.. the more he does talk to me the more I believe that my marriage is truly over and it is only a matter of finalizing everything...He is a very stubborn man, very strong willed..He doesnt confide in anyone...parents, brothers, friends, no one except for the OW (his so-called friend), how is he going to sort things out if he doesnt open up to anyone?

He is going to sort things out by watching you show him the way home. How can he have you next to him if the two of you are divorced?

You are standing for your family. Continue doing it. I know it is miserable, but continue it.

Good job on going to the doctor, and letting some co-workers in on the truth.

Thank you so much for your support. I am attempting to begin taking care of myself (for a change). Called and spoke w/ the Social Worker yesterday. He was very nice..told him about my visit to my primary and getting anti-depressents...he said that I sounded very good, that I must be one of those people who are bubbly and smiling on the outside but feeling very differently inside..I told him I was a very good actress. He told me that before my appt. if I needed any help at all to call immediately, that wether or not that have seen me yet I am considered their patient and are there if I needed them..that was so great to here.

You guys have all been wonderful to talk to, I thank god that I found this site and have you all to confide in.

Have you read Dr. Laura Schlessinger's book, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands?". It is excellent, and gives some quick tips to turn a marriage around.

What kind of anti-D's did you get? Most take about 3 weeks to kick in, but you should really notice the difference. It will help you do the things you need to do.

Last night when we were having our heated discussion..his 10 year old son was in the kitchen making brownies, he came out and said I'm sorry to interrupt you guys but could you please not argue right now because it makes me sad; I left the room and he (son) followed me and saw that I was crying and he gave me a hug and told me to just stay away from daddy for awhile and try not to cry so hard...he was so sweet to be so considerate and compassionate toward me.

That is sweet. One of your great strengths is that you are mothering his kids. Build on that, and try to be there for them. I really feel bad for them. Their dad IS crazy.

Since OW is so different from you, what do you see as being her attraction?