Do you see the contradiction in his words and actions?
He wants to split up but still sleep with you every nite?
How does he propose doing that from separate households?

As soon as you pull away (sleep on the couch...)he controls you with his anger.

You need to stop fearing his anger and letting it control you.

This is the type of WS that will respond strongest to loss of control. Which means exposure and Plan B. Take the choices away from him and get ready to show him what separating from you really means. You're gonna move on without him, and he's gonna have no say in your life anymore.

The reality is, OW is not prepared to be a mother to his two kids. Can you even imagine what a disaster it will be for her to try to meet his domestic support EN? So while his life is going down the tubes, you have a smile on your face and optimism for the future! Who wouldn't prefer you given that choice????

I take it you have read the differences I posted?

Well he claims she is the female version of himself, how I dont know. He is very into looking good and presenting himself in a positive, attractive manner, has great etiquette, mannerisms, he likes nice things and takes pride in our home, cars, etc. She is very plain, very much a tom-boy. I dont want to offend anyone, nothing is wrong w/ that but it is just so different from who we are. The only thing that I see as similarities is that she is very much into cars, so is he..he golfs, so does she (but I think he started golfing because of her as this is a recent hobby he has taken up), they share the same career. I dont know what the attraction is..I dont get it. She is very vocal, holds nothing back..doesnt speak before she speaks, swears when not appropriate, belches loudly, bad temper, very adolescent behavior, the only thing in common I see that we have is him and that she is a very emotional person.

> him and that she is a very emotional person.

Oh. That's gonna go over like a ton of bricks......

The only real thing they have in common (that I can see) is a lowering of morals.

- Kimmy

(HALLOOOO LEXXY....HOPE YOU ARE WELL.!!!!)

BLAH BLAH BLAH
HE HE HE!!!!!!!!!

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I am so sick of hearing about your WS.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
OK that's not really true...at all...but jaded what you aren't getting that right now all this man knows is to lie and cover lies....

that's it...
that is his total MO....

you can not believe he who talks with forked tongue..and it is exactly as lexxy pointed out...he says he's done you believe him..
he says stay by me...you don't believe him..

you are becoming as fogged as he is by giving him way to much validation...........

change your language back to him
change your reaction
change you thought process...

darling this has nothing to do with you being right or wrong...this my dear husband whom I love and care for deeply as a person is much greater than that...this is you being so lost you do not have actions that match words...

this is me your wife who adores you, watching you self destruct by making choices that hurt you...me...our children....and even the other woman..

this is bigger than you being right or wrong...this is me the one person on this earth who vowed to be by your side watching you in huge conflict ..wanting to be an honest honorable man...and I, knowing that you can be those things...and you slipping further away from those things...and you getting more and more lost from the kind decent man you are...

And this is me...your wife...wanting to soldify and work together as a true partner and parentship together...coming to realize that I can not and will not tolerate being a third part of a triangle....

that he is undermining your belief in YOUR self worth and HIS self worth to believe that you can or would tolerate living in lies....and pretending things are different than they are.........

oh dear husband..if you know nothing else know that is much much deeper than right or wrong...this is your own soul hanging in balance...
and I am willing to help you find your way home...but not run from it...
for the truth is that no matter where you go..there you will be...
and that amongst other things makes me very sad..

ARK

why don't you tell him that...then go in the other room and let him ttew in that for a bit...and not engage in much anything else...............

Ark you use the most profound words...my heart at first dropped when you said you were sick of hearing about my WS...dont do that to me.

I told him last night that I cant believe that I am allowing his A to go on right under my nose and I am doing nothing about it, basically giving them my blessing.

I also asked him what he would do if he were in my situation..he said, I wouldnt have put myself in your situation (meaning he would have walked out the door, he always told me that if he ever found out I had an A because he couldnt deal w/ it). He would never be in my situation and so therefore he couldnt put himself there.

He also has no intention of ending his A w/ her because he loves her....puke!!!!

He has no intention of ending his A with her -- BECAUSE YOU DON'T MAKE HIM!!!!

Why would he?

You're doing nothing about it.

You are absolutely right!!! But I am trying to get myself to a place where I can be stronger. Right now, I am just so emotional that I cant think clearly.

My dr. put me on Lexapro 10mg. to start..I started them Monday, she wants to see me this Monday to see how I am doing, she said it could take a couple of weeks before I saw a change but she is going on vacation on the 21st and wants to see me before she goes...and I am scheduled to start counseling next week..I have taken steps to let my co-workers that I am not as "ok" as I let on to be, that I am not happy...everyone always tells me that I always have a smile on my face...that is because it is etched there to cover my feelings inside.

Check out this post from Shugah to saving.

SM...
I've quickly read through your thread....a couple of things come to mind.

Your WH will need to crash, as all Addicts will sooner or later....at that point, if you have done your homework, have yourself in a healthy place and have tucked away in a safe place those tender feelings you once had for your H.....you will be ready to begin the recovery process.

The drama will prolong this process.

Do not, I repeat, DO NOT play into the disrespect and name calling that I have seen here...."sleazy rat bag, scum bag"...etc., it will do more to burn out that love that still remains for your WH....these names will be on your mind when you see WH....your anger will show through even though you are working hard to be pleasant...Sure WH may not be a nice person right now....but HE is the one who is lost....he is the one who needs the lighthouse to guide him back....and there is a very good chance that this will happen.

NO Drama....No lecturing, teaching, demands, etc.... hold firm to your boundaries in a calm and respectful manner....keep your household and children in a routine....stay focused and begin your inner healing....no matter what happens you will be alright!

How do I know this? I, like a lot of folks here...have walked this road before you.
It took 2 years....2 LONG years of WH's anger, my anger....and a Divorce....but WH finally did crash....and fortunately for all of us....I had kept on a healing track, kept learning, trying to understand...I had tucked away the love I had for my H....and when it was time....I was able to reach out and he was ready to take hold of my hand.....together we are putting our family and our lives back together...

Does everyone understand how I could do that? Probably not. But that's not my concern. Was I honest with everyone all along the way...yes...I wanted to save my marriage....so when the time came, it wasn't that much of a surprise to them....well, maybe it was....

But anyways...remember this....no matter how bad it "looks"....the road your WH has chosen is wrought with guilt, shame, anger, indicision and confusion.....he'll need to work through that and it may not be pretty. SO it's important to protect yourself from that. Now is the time to put your best foot forward...for you and your children(and WH)....show your strength....your compassion....your ability to move forward despite this incredible challenge.

I do know that even if my FWXH did not come home...I was going to be alright....but I didn't know that at first...I had a lot to learn!!

Your WH's visit home may be a good thing....but don't expect miracles....don't get discouraged. My WH would be adament about being happier with the OW and then would show signs of wanting to come back... and then he would retreat again to the A....it can be extremely frustrating and can set u back....so again try to protect yourself from that kind of hurt....You should begin thinking Plan B....in hind sight, I could have done a better job at protecting myself.

Take care SM....there's some good advice on this site....it can be a good place to vent....but more importantly you need a plan and a good solid understanding of what's happening and why, there are chemicals at work here....Try..."Why we Love", by Helen Fischer.

My H is a recovering alcoholic and before he got help for his drinking he had to hit bottom...it wasnt pleasant AT ALL but necessary; alot of people wouldnt understand and would have left him but I stood by him through that.

Should I go along w/ the selling of our home or should I fight him all the way...I believe he is really serious about being on his own.

I know that I still have to expose this A to our families but I am just not ready...what do I do in the meantime?

Tell him you want to save the marriage and keep the family together. Don't have any part in selling your home. He is temporarily whacked out.

He says that he is really frustrated w/ me because first I say that I will give him space (this is before I started talking to you all) and now I wont help him...he says that I am making it very easy for him to walk away.

He wants your cooperation and participation in separating. Do not give him this. Do not bring it up or provoke separation discussions -- if he does (the next time he does) tell him "OK, I will go see an attorney." End of discussion. And schedule an appointment.

You must protect yourself financially. So if that means selling your home and moving somewhere affordable -- do it. All of these things can be changed if you reconcile. Don't fear it. But don't let him talk you into ANY financial decisions without a separation agreement and advice from an attorney.

However, do not enthusiastically participate in that process. Make him do all of the heavy lifting.

He will try to get you to separate willingly, without council and without an agreement. If he's really good, he'll get you to sell the house and give him half the equity so he can go spend it on OW.

He is not serious about being on his own. Gosh would you stop believing him? He's a liar.

I'm sorry..I'm trying...without you guys to keep me focused I cant imagine where I would be now:

Prior to posting here I never even considered exposing, never crossed my mind, our house would be on the market by now, I know that for sure and I would be living in our rental unit (mobile home in trailer park) and he would have his own house (he says he is buying another one for him and his kids) living it up w/ OW.

I know as long as I keep talking to you guys and slowly taking your advise and direction I will be OK..I need to gain my self-esteem back. Where did that go?

Jaded --
I think you're coming along!

You're open minded and taking in great amounts of information. I know it takes time to process it and adjust to how this plan will help you. But please believe in it.

You will get comfort (and confidence) from following the plans. And knowing that your WS isn't deviating from the standard script.

Your husband isn't doing anything special or unique that thousand of others haven't done too. Stick with us -- we'll be here to decifer all the hogwash for you.

You need to commit to following the MB plans. Otherwise we can't really help you.

By the way when he said "you're making it easy for me to walk away".....what he really meant is this:

If I make her fearful that her lack of cooperation in tearing apart our family is making me want to leave, then she will go back to helping me and making everything easy for me to leave.

So he really meant the exact opposite of what he said. He's just trying to manipulate you. Get you to help with the hard stuff. ICK.

Thanks Lex.

I know that my next step is exposure..I have tried everything else and it hasnt worked and crying sure the H**L doesnt help just makes your eyes all puffy and gives me a splitting headache..LOL

It is hard to comprehend to think that the man I married is trying to manipulate me..the man I married would have never had an A. When I found out he did I was floored..his friend had an A and he couldnt say any nice thing about him, thought he was totally wrong for what he had done to his family..The man I married has such strong moral values..The man I married, I guess isnt here right now.

Well I had to go to a viewing last night for my foster father's dad...my foster mother saw me (havent seen her in probably a year) and asked how everything was going and I said oh everything is just fine and she must have saw it in my face that I was lying...she took me in the hall way right there at the funeral home and had me spill my guts...which I did.

So what happened this weekend???

Well not too much..he was supposed to work overtime at a football game but he turned it down and stayed home. Saturday we rented movies and ordered in, Sunday we went to church, his grandmothers for dinner and then home to watch the race. Go Rusty!!!

Pretty uneventful weekend..quiet..

I have my first counseling appt. on Thursday.