svb,
I just want to ask him to meet with me tonight! I am ready to talk and do not want to wait another day....just today was hard!

I get this feeling he wants to talk over the phone, but I will not do it. I will ask to talk in person at some restaurant or such....

I just wanted to make sure that calling again today was not really pushy...I don't want to get the "you are pressuring me" line....ahhhh.

Daisy

Well, H just called.....we are meeting in 45 minutes!

I am so nervous...but life waits for noone and this situation I am in had me standing still for months and I don't want any more of that.....

I was pleasant, expressed my preference for meeting at a neutral place....he sounded nice....I guess he wants to do this now! as much as I do....


Wish me luck, keep me in yours prayers...I need strenght!

Daisy

Best of luck to you. Stay tough!

How did it go?

L.

IMHO, he doesn't deserve an ILY. Giving ILY's to a Ws is like spitting in the wind. YUCK!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

As for the letter, I'd hold off. What he needs to see is you choosing to move forward w/o him.

It won't take much. It isn't scary and expect him to try and push you t/d it. However, you do it when u r ready.

L.

Orchid, I did not say ILY...just said I care about him and not want to be friends....

Anyway,
I did say what I came to say....basically what I had in the letter and some more.....I did not demand anything from him and told him so. I was not going to LB. It took me 25 minutes to get it all out. He genuanly thanked me for talking to him, said it was a lot to think about. Said he did not blame me for the way "our relationship ended up" and that he cared about me.

That was all he said. I understand that it was a lot to digest. We talked about every day things....I did give him my B-day present to him (a CD) so we talked about music, work, etc...while we finished our food....It was hard....I was still shaking....part of me hoped he would have more to tell me, and another part was working hard to just accept he does not want me in his life as much as he sais he cares. I am glad I did this. I don't regret it at all....but I left with little hope that he will come and talk to me and have something to say.

We just said good buy, I said if he wanted to talk to me to let me know. He said ok. Then said talk to you soon (as he always does).

So, I am just crying now....I did not expect anything from him and that is how it turned out unfortunately.....I don't have much else I can give over here....

As I told him I cannot go on being just friends it is too hard...I don't think he realizes that I mean to end all contact with him now....

I don't believe he will contact me anaway....he believes what he has chosen is the better path....

Ok, of to plan B now....I will take some time composing my letter, modify what I have and add some things....

Thank you for your thoughts....

Daisy

Your post reminded me of when I did that. Disappointed? Yes, I was also. Then I remembered, I had that convo with a WS. H was peeking out.....that's what kept the convo sane. I knew I saw him. I know I heard him and that's what made my heartache. Still in the end, the WS was the one who left. At the end of our convo, it was the WS in front of me. H had gone back into hiding.

The point is that I saw the struggle and that gave me strength.

Isn't it interesting that when you are really sure about something, it feels right?!?!?!? NO regrets. That's good. Me too!

Now moving to plan B won't be as difficult. You may want to give him another chance but you w/b reminded of the hurt you felt when the last person you saw was the WS and not your H.

That mind and heart of yours is coming into sync.

take care,
L.

Thank you Orchid....

I really have no regrett about telling him all....I told myself through out I have nothing to loose since H is not a part of my life anyway....

The little I got from him in recent months was not a R, it was just torture for me...

I am just going to take it one day at a time now...

I feel better right now, but I just woke up. I may feel worse later, but I have hope for my life and that is good and keeps me going...

Daisy

It has been an awful night...I have been living in that house by myself for over 6 months now, but yesterday I felt so alone....I was so happy to curl up with my cats....I just cried myself to sleep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />....

I spoke to my friend her thoughts are that H will come and talk to me....eventually.....unless....1) he has someone else........2) is looking at himself and the mess his life is in and is just too depressed......

I don't know what to think.....

Given all the WS talk I have heard here I had this feeling that H is not involved with someone else (I could be wrong).....he did not look happy at all <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />, he did not throw any crup in my face as he did in the summer....I felt that I did good, talking just about me, not at all about him, no demands, etc.....I did not want to give him any amunition against me.........

In the summer he kept throwing the "I am happy since I left you" at me and I think if he was seeing someone else....and was completely in the fog....he would have reacted more yesterday....and told me to move on (as he did before).......etc.....

I want to believe that for good or bad I left an impression on him that will not soon go away. He really listened to me, he was concerned, and he let me talk for the whole time without interapting me....

When we first got there he seemed enxious and seemed to dread the conversation....but I think he soon realized I was there to talk about me....that the conversation was not going to be like in the summer, that it was different.....

I really got the feeling he is tired and stressed. He is 29 but he walked like an old man...it was sad really <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />. I hated to see him that way.....I was prity amazed how patient he was (he usually is not at all) with me and listened.....he really tried.....

Then when we talked later, he asked me about my brothers and my family.....asked me when I was going on my christmas break and commented that I must be looking forward to having some time off....

I believe he cares about me....but I don't believe he will come back to work on this R....I think he does not believe it could be better.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />..and I think he is running away....and that probably is something that will weigh on his mind....

He did seem to me like someone coming out of a fog.....probably very very slowly.....I honestly believe it is finally hitting him what a mess he is in....that he is 29 and has very little going on for himself.....When he left me I think he thought it was going to be all great, fun and games....going out and hanging out with all his friends and having a good time! But really is that he is working most of the time and probably as much as he is trying to enjoy himself <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />(remain in the fog!)...it is not working out and he is probably more and more now facing his decisions and the mess he is in.......

I may be wrong....It just really feels like he is waking up from the fog.....whether he comes to this R or not.....he has to face it.

Daisy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Although I have not send the Plan B letter yet, I am effectively in Plan B starting today...since I did tell H I could not be friends with him.

I am working on my Plan B letter....it will be shorter than the letter above, just to the point.

I guess I feel as if I am in Plan B, because I don't have any intentions of ever calling or talking to him again unless he initiates and it is specifically about the R or the D.

Today has been so hard. I feel like D-day all over again....I find myself crying out of the blue at any moment....again I have a hard time cooking for myself and doing anything that really requires some focus. I spend 2 hours at a meeting today, for the most part staring in space.

I hate this. I know Plan B is about me, I want my life back. Still, this is hard. The thought that I will never hold his hand again is impossible to accept. It is so painful. How does he get through the day knowing that same fact?


Daisy

Daisy,

Do you have kids? I've looked back through some of your posts, but I can't tell. (This is like the 3rd time I've asked this on a thread in the past couple of days. I usually guess wrong.)

no_cute_name...
No I don't. I guess that is good. I will not have to deal with H on any level now. At least, there is very little that we need to comunicate to each other now.....once the D procedings start (I don't know when that will happen) then we will have to talk....

Daisy

Okay, well, the reason I ask is that I've been consulting with Steve @ MB on the phone, and he has strongly advised me against anything like plan B because my wife and I don't have kids. He basically said that a large part of the effectiveness of plan B is the children. Steve also has made some other points that made sense on this issue, but I can't recall them right now.

Now, I suppose if you can't deal with the chaos and pain that this is all causing in your life, I guess you don't really have any choice. I was just wondering if you've gotten any professional advice about recovering your marriage. Talking to Steve has helped me feel much more in control of all the things that are happening.

Anyway, I won't try to give you any real advice since my own situation is in pretty bad shape, but I just thought I'd share.

ncn

ncn....

So what plan are you in.....Plan A?


I did not realize the advice by the Harleys would be different with no children.

I have been thinking of calling the Harleys...now I got some extra money coming....I guess I should call them....

part of me was thinking it is too late to call them....that I have already gone too far....

Is not too late, given the conversation I just had with H?

Thank you for your thoughts BTW.....

Daisy

First, I'm in school and don't have a lot of money, but every penny (of loan money) I've spent calling the MB folks has been entirely worth it. I would highly recommend giving them a call. If they think that it's too late they'll tell you, but I really doubt that it's too late for your situation.

I'm currently in sort of a modified plan A (sort of...). I'm basically being pleasant (via email mostly) and letting her feel like she has a safe place where she can go. Other than that, I'm just waiting for her affair to crumble in upon itself.

I'm not very well versed on finding out if someone is cheating or not (my W didn't sneak around very well), but it seems like it would be very helpful to your cause to find out absolutely if you H is having an affair or not.

Your H sound quite a bit like the OM in my situation. I've been communicating a lot with OMW via email. I informed her of the affair myself after my wife moved in with OM. Otherwise, she had no idea. Well, she had an inkling, but no proof.

Anyway, OM was terribly withdrawn and depressed (untreated). If he wasn't immersed in his school work, he spent his time playing video games. He told his wife that he needed space from her while he was in the process of setting up a place to live with my wife. WW and OM were both furious that I exposed to OMW. He wanted to tell her when the "time was right." (<--bunch of crap) Anyway, OMW might never have known if I didn't tell her.

Do your in-laws know that H left you?

ncn....

Yes, my inlaws know about it. H told them few days after he left. He actually called from my house. They were not happy and H wanted me to be there for him b/c he felt his parents were not supportive. Soon after they did tell him they are supportive. I saw them 2 months after it happened and they really were concerend and wanted to know from me what was happening....this kind of left me feeling that H was not telling them much (he is very private and does not like people intruding into his life)....

Anyway, I have not spoken to them since Aug. He was visiting them in Aug. and I don't know what he told them and how much...etc... I don't feel comfortable talking to them. My father actually visited them 2 weeks ago (he has no fear - or no common sense, I have not decided which) and wanted to discuss my situation with them, but they cut him short very quick! I don't think they are happy about what has happened. Not only did their son leave his wife but he also quit school (and they really wanted them for him) at the same time.....I know they were very excited that he was putting his life together by getting his MA and by getting married....he had a lot of drug issues early on (through high school and his early 20s).....

Anyway, that was more info than you asked for! Why do you ask? Is there something I am not realizing?


I have thought about hiring a PI....but now I thought this extra money I got is better spend on getting some advice from the Harleys and see what they say....

I really cannot believe he would be doing that....I know everyone says that....Dam. If he is I don't even know if I would want him back....I did ask him if there was someone else this summer and he said no, that that would just complicate things further....


Daisy

Daisy,

I was just curious. Your relationship with your H just reminds me a lot of my (well, my W's) OM and OMW. OMW didn't want OM to leave, but he kept telling her that there would be no way to work things out between them. She eventually believed what he said; that he was just extremely unhappy in their marriage and they needed to get divorced -- even if she didn't think it was a good idea to give up without putting more effort into their M.

Then, when I exposed to OMW about 1.5 months ago, OMW immediately started divorce proceedings. However, since then, she has started wondering about her decision. OMW asked OM if he was seeing someone else this summer, and he denied it.

Anyway, I should start posting my story to my own thread instead of yours. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

ncn....

Thanks for you thoughts...please keep posting your story here...I don't mind...gives me more insight...

BTW...I do that all the time...so why should I mind.

You do give me something to think about. I guess not many people will admit to an A. H has depression so I guess I always believed that he really was unhappy as he always would spend all his time thinking negative thoughts....I think he saw me as a trigger to it all....but the fact is he has depression and he will have negative thoughts now as well...they will not go away just because I am not in his life....Some gut feeling tells me that he is realizing that now.......but still does worries our R would never change and be better....

I will most likely talk to the Harleys next week and then I will see what they think and whether I should hire that PI or not.

Keep on posting....so does your W give you any indication that she still wants to work on this M....or is she saying she is quite happy with OM.....Sorry for what you are going through....


Daisy

Daisy,

I'm sorry for what you're going through, also. I usually forget to tell people that since I'm sorry for what just about everyone here is going through.

So, when my wife left, I got a bunch of the classic lines of a WS. She didn't feel emotionally connected to me. OM makes her feel good about herself, but I made her feel bad. She can talk about anything with him. The list could go on. She never gave me "I love you, but I'm not in love with you."

After she left I sent her a lot of emotionally charged emails pouring my heart out to her. We had some communication problems in our M. We never really talked about our feelings, but she made me happy, and I thought that I was making her happy, too. After she left she said things like that she was just pretending to be happy to try and make me happy, and that she felt pressured into marrying me in the first place by her parents, and that she's not sure if she ever really loved me.

I try to empathize with her feelings, but the truth is that I don't believe most of what she is saying. If she was able to pretend to be happy for so long when she was really so unhappy, that would mean to me that she is almost inhuman and devoid of emotion. I know that she loved me and that we had many more good times than bad.

Anyway, since I exposed to her parents and to OMW, she has avoided communicating with me as much as possible... until very recently. Recently, she has again sent me some more emails... seemingly trying to convince me (and maybe herself) how bad things were. I just see her doing what everyone here talks about and trying to justify her own bad choices.

But no, to answer your question, she hasn't given me indication that she wants to work on our marriage. Nor has she given me any indication that she wants a divorce. I don't think she wants the attention that a divorce would draw in our town (a pretty small town that's home to a fairly large college). I'm content to let the exposure do its work. More and more people will soon be finding out about her affair, which is something I think she dreads. Hopefully, she will have some sense knocked into by all that.

How long has your H been dealing with depression? About a year before we got married, my W went to a free depression screening and they indicated that she was possibly suffering from depression, but she never followed up on it.

ncn...
My H never told me he did not love me or the love you but not IN love with you bit. While I was in CA in July we were still emailing each other and he would always say much love to you as he did when we were together....

I hope the exposure works for you...the A will not last...the question is will she come back once it does end....that is always the uncertain part in all of this....

As your W....H never said "I want a D"....I don't know how much that means anything....I think he either does not want to hurt me (but then he said many things that did!) or he does not want to be the bad guy to bring it up...or he is refusing to face reality....I think it is the latter!

We cannot go on like this.....M but living seperate lives.....

I feel really low these last few days.....Every time there is a big event (like the talk we had on Tues) I loose a big chunk of hope...and I just go back to feeling sad and lost....I don't understand how he can just go on his everyday business and not think about all the good times we had and that he will never be with me again...lie on the couch together..etc....I don't get it....

Yesterday was his birthday...I gave him my present on Tuesday... I did not call over there....The past 2 years I baked him a home made european cake...and the year before I gave him an afgan blanket I made for him (he still has it)...I hope he at least reflected a little...and see what he will not have anymore....

Now, I wonder if I should get him anything for Christmas....should I even send a card?

I was going to send a card to his inlaws...but I don't know now....we were never that close and now it just seems kind of odd and I don't want to look like I am not letting go and trying to get into some good graces with them in the hopes of getting him back....

We don't have a holiday today....up in Canada....so I'll have to do some work today and tomorrow....2 more days before the weekend, and I don't like the weekends much anyway....seems all kind of pointless now....I just got to get out of this rut I am in......Got to do something just for me....but what?

ncn...enjoy your holiday...
Daisy