Fredswife,
You are making decisions based on the extreme emotions you have at this moment. You are allowing him to push your buttons, and take your anxiety to the next level. I'm sure you both have years of practice doing this, and are very efficient at driving each other practically insane.
Focus on your long term value of saving your marriage. Make all your decisions based on that value, not off of the extreme stress you are feeling now. Yes, this is terrible, but you can't keep debating him-he is not rational. And you cannot allow yourself to read the horrible things he is telling you. There is no value in this. The more you listen to him now, the more horrible feeling you will have about yourself.
Stop communicating with him. Post more here, read more here. Try to calm down by distracting yourself insome way. This is all under your control, he is far away from you now. All you have to do is make the correct decisions, and the experts here will help you deal with your emotions.

Hi, fredswife.

Please answer my previous email.

Quote:
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He just sent another email, he is filing for a legal separation today, he is on his way to the legal clinic.
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Exactly how is he doing this?

Quote:
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He has had enough of me, i never made him happy and no i have pushed him over the edge.
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It is also your fault that frogs pee in your hand when you pick them up.

it is all a B L U F F

Please stop communicating with him. Also, don't invite him to talk you YOUR doctor. Those conversations should be personal and private, and unless you have legally given him access somehow, then he has no legal right to discuss anything you have said to your doctor. If that trust has been breached, then you need to get it closed ASAP.

Gimble

Ok, here we go again.....ready for this one


Your money is being sent to you. All of it. I have about $500 total to last me indefinitely. I got a very indefinite answer from my recruiter at XXXX Labs. "They are still evaluating candidates."

I am again very depressed.

Please don't cheer me up. You have to understand that someone who visciously tears you down one day, is not the right person to cheer you up the next.

I just want to die right now. I am so tired of working three times harder than anyone else. I am tired of your presecution. I am tired of being underappreciated.

I want to give up so bad.

Please leave me alone.

Now he is depressed.
I think he really needs an anti depressant.
Maybe he is really the one with the mental issues.
I do not know.
Plus he lost his portfolio in the parking lot yesterday.
I think he is taking alot of stuff out on me right now.
The affair, our terrible marriage, no job, having to live with his brother, missong the kids.
It is all my fault.

How does one lose a portfolio in the parking lot?

He doesn't have to live where he is living. He can live with you and get a job where you live.

How often does he write to or contact the kids that he misses so much?

Honestly Gimble,
I do believe I made many mistakes in my marriage, i had alot of baggage, and nevr got help.
I did not ever have an affair, but as I said before I was very reactionary, and angry.
I had not cried in 33 years. I began therapy after H announced the D and learned so much about myself. I did make changes and good ones too! I started to become vulnerable and share my feelings, I started to listen to H and started to be better about handholding, hugs, etc. No more tough street chick!!
But by this time the A was already going on, D was announced, he said he wasn't changing his mind, and I felt so afraid of losing H. I had always been the strong one, and the controller. I lost who i was out of fear of making H mad. I wanted to just make him happy. My communication skills suck, and I have a really hard time expressing myself. I screw up all of the time. I allowed my anger and jealousy of OW to drive H away. I felt so rejected, because i was becoming the woman he had wanted me to be, but it was all too late. H stopped being intimate with me, and it devasted me. I think I knew that this was the first sign that there was an A. he would sleep in the same bed with me and hold me, but would not go any further then that.
Up until he left for CA he was still telling me that he loved me. I did not meet my H needs, and I did some major MB.
Now all I want is to save my marriage but first I need to save myself. I have lost too much weight,and have become a recluse.My anxiety is awful and I feel guilty because I drove my husband into the arms of another woman.
Yes, ultimately it was his choice, but if I had been doing the right thing, he wouldn't have gone looking

He does't want to come home, even though I have asked him to.
My suggestion was come home, look for a job, help me sell the house and we all move to CA together.
He hasn't talked to his kids since last Thursday,and they called him.
I have no idea about the portfolio!!!
Don't you think he sounds pretty down right now?
Huge contrast to previous postings

No, it was a little more complicated then that, I guessed the secret question, but that gave a new password.

You start taking care of you and the children. Right after exposure, most WS's go through a lot of anger and turmoil. I would not get into any more arguments with him, and I would not take anything in his emails seriously. In fact I think I would avoid conversing with him.

Keep working on yourself. It sounds like you have made a good start. Try to be calm. I know it is hard, but feeding you anxiety isn't going to help anything. I will be EXREMELY surprised if he takes any legal action. It is not going to be to his benefit.

GIMBLE....READ HIS LAST EMAIL PLEASE.
NOW HE IS DEPRESSED!!!!!

FW, please stop yelling. People are trying to help you get through this. If you spent time reading through posts you would see the pattern clearly, WS's do not like exposure! Exposure is key to ending an A. Plan A is for the BS to make changes to themselves and fix the problems they brought to the M. When you have a WS that is trying to push your buttons like your WH then it is best to limit contact until he calms down.

Fredswife,

It took me a while to get caught up on everything you have said. But I finally found the time to sit down and read everything. As a FWW, let me share with you what exposure was like for me.

My H sent my parents an e-mail letting them know what I was doing. My dad called me while I was out with the OM, and I was furious! I remember telling my H that he had no right to do what he did. I probably called him names. It was not pretty. And yes, at that point, I didn't leave the OM. I was so angry with my H at that time, I wanted to spend more time with the OM. And eventually my H did a plan B (not that he knew that was what he was doing) and stopped talking to me. Admittedly, I was still in a fog, but I went back to my H and stopped talking to the OM. Yes, there is a lot more to my story after that, but what you need to hear right now is that I was similar to your H in that I was angry about the exposure. I wouldn't see my H. I said some nasty things to him. But when the thought of losing him settled in, I returned.

From what I have learned, your H is following a rather predictable script. Just make sure that you follow what others are saying here.

I didn't realize I was yelling, I had the cap keys on I am sorry

I am praying that this will one day blow over,
He seems to be so irrational and unpredicatable right now.
The words are so ugly, and hurtful.
I just want to make things right, so I am going to work on me.
The past few days have been such a nightmare for me and seem so hopeless.
I think I have received about 10 emails from him, and they have ranged from every mood possible.The last one very depressing.
I have only responded to a couple of them, but have saved them just in case.
I am only praying that he does not do anything foolish with divorce stuff, I am just hoping that he will eventualy calm down and return to the original plan of working with me.

secret emails, phone cards, 900 minutes a month of cell phone calls to her early morning late at night.
secret visits, and lies upon lies, upon lies

FW, please calm down and listen to what folks are saying. Jump into your bathtub full of ice water or something. Take some deep breaths and let things just wash over you without affecting you for a while. You're not doing yourself or your children any good by reacting to everything this guy says. For one thing, most of what he is telling you is...uh...bovine scatology. Phishing, for instance, is a term used in identity theft cases where an unsuspecting person is encouraged to go to a website and update credit card information, SSAN, bank account numbers, etc. He's bluffing when he says he or she is going to file criminal charges. What nonsense! Also, someone else has already pointed out the residency requirements for a court which has JURISDICTION. I doubt a California court will touch a petition from him asking for separation from a spouse who lives in another state. Does your state even HAVE legal separations? Most don't anymore. If your state does, what does the term mean in the state codes? I doubt he'll like it. He'll probably wind up owing you a bundle in child and/or spousal support. In any case, such petitions are not granted overnight and you don't have to respond as if everything was going to come crashing down tomorrow morning. It isn't going to happen.

Again, please find some way to relax and unwind. Less capable people than you, with no support group such as the good folks here at MB, have gotten through things like this and come out the other side. So can you. Impress that in your mind and quit dancing to this guy's tune. Don't let him be the puppeteer to your puppet.

yes I know you are right.
NOT to use this an an excuse, but I suffer with anxiety, and I do get myself worked up.
His last email was very depressing, I feel badly for him, but I know it is no longer my place to be that person for him under these conditions.
The kids wanted to talk to him, so I sent him a text asking if he could take their call. He responded that he was having a job meltdown and it wasn't a good time for them to talk to him.Did you read his last email? Did you read the others?
I think he is really going through something.
I have read so many things on this website and i read the love busters.
I know I do many of them, and I want to focus now on getting that part of my act together.
I have made a promise to myself that I will no longer allow myself to do things that will give H to justify the things he says about me. I have figured out the baiting thing. I do not get into the fights anymore, I have had a couple of back slides, but apologize and move on.
I was warned that my H would act like a raving nut when he was exposed.
I just didn't realize to what extreme.
I think I got 10 emails from him today, each one ugly and rude. The last one though was different.
He sent a sweet email to one of my daughters this evening, which was surprising.
I guess until H admits the affair there is not too much I can do, except to work on me.
I have lost too much weight and need to get myself healthy again.
My kids need for me to be strong, and I have spent too much time focusing on H then them.
My cell phone is now off, and I am going to try and avoid checking my emails. I can't block him, but I do not have to respond.
I have read alot about MLC and see that my H has basically every single symptom.he is scared to turn 40 in November, gets really mad if it is mentioned.
I also am realistic that if H ever wants to return to the marriage, which at this point is highly doubtful, there will be a lot of hard work ahead.
This is why i want to work on my issues now.
I once tried to get him to fill out the emotional needs questionaire, it was about 8 months ago, but he never did.
I filled out mine, but he was not interested in reading it.
We both have alot of areas that need work, and I just hope and pray that we will one day get back on track.
Thank you for your post!!!

thank you for sharing.
can I ask you a question?
Why is there so much anger from WS when exposed?
Wouldn't it be better to say "so what I am having an affair, and it isn't any of your damn business".
The anger, and the denial gets to me.

How long til they calm down?
Today was mighty extreme!!!

Now that I have calmed down a bit, i can see that.
I have not talked to him on the phone, which was good so I was not baited into any fights.
I think I got to play scapegoat for the day.
I think he got alot of vented up anger out of his system.
BUT I bet theres more a coming down the track...........
I am trying hard not to think of OW, it is so hard.
Especially now that she knows I know, she will try to grab onto him even harder.