The anger and denial is completely normal. That is what they ALL do. It makes it that much harder for the BS. My husband lied and denied everything, even when I had the motel bills, caught them in bed, and had PROOF that they were living together. He called me crazy, and all of his relatives, our kids, and OUR attorney thought he was telling the truth, because he was so "sincere".

As you process through all of this crap ... try and focus on managing your own emotional soup, particularly your anxiety issues. If anxiety is your issue, study up and learn to manage it.

It is your responsibility to get yourself mentally and spiritually healthy ... otherwise,marriage recovery (should it come your way) is much more difficult.

Begin your personal recovery today.

Ma'am, I can't help you from my personal experience with how long it takes a WS to start making sense. I dealt with a situation in no way similar to yours by divorcing my spouse. However, as the other folks here have said, your WH is not ever going to sound, talk, or BE "sane" as long as they are still involved in the adulterous relationship. You've only started the process of fracturing that. Whether you use the catch phrase of "fog" or just plain contrariness and confusion, he probably couldn't agree with you right now on whether it was day or night. Regretfully, I think you've got a long row to hoe waiting for him to come back to his senses.

As for why he is so angry, think of any of your younger children caught in a lie. They will deny, deny, deny they took their brother's toy and then they'll cry and get mad when you don't believe them. WH is striking out at you because he's caught with his hand in the cookie jar and he's pissed off. Exposure has ruined, or is about to ruin everything about the affair that he liked. He had the cover of secrecy--now everyone knows and watches him. He had the respect of his friends and family--now he knows behind their eyes they view him with some degree of contempt because he's abandoned you and his children.

I reiterate, I don't have any personal experience in surviving an affair...but I couldn't help but throw in my two cents' worth when I saw he was just throwing darts at you out of spite. It's called manipulation and he's doing it in the most vile fashion. It seems to me he's consciously or unconsciously trying to get a panic reaction from you. If he can make YOU apologize and beg him for forgiveness, then he gains points in the little game he's playing with himself. If he can make you as unsettled, depressed, and jumpy as he is, then his own misery will be lessened...just like your three-year-old (I'm sure you have one somewhere near that) will scream at a sibling (or you) when he/she is upset. I just hope you don't let the WH do that to you. By the way, don't worry about him being depressed. He not only should be depressed, he deserves to be, period. Pay attention to what Melody and the others say. They'll help get you through this. Hang in there, okay?

Hi, fredswife.

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My anxiety is awful and I feel guilty because I drove my husband into the arms of another woman.
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I can understand the other points you made. We have all contributed to deficiencies in our respective marriages. You are wrong that you drove your husband "into the arms of another woman".

What did you do, hold him at gunpoint?

He made his own choices. You may have added fuel to the fire, but HE CHOSE.

I have done a lot of things in my life and not once has anyone ever MADE me do something that I didn't want to do. It would take guns, chains and shackles, and some pretty sneaky people to do that. Even at gunpoint, I still choose, even if the choice is only to live or die.

I am glad that you are dealing with your anger and control. Good deal. I expect that a portion of the mental issues you are dealing with are false however, due to your husband's lies and deceit.

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Yes, ultimately it was his choice, but if I had been doing the right thing, he wouldn't have gone looking
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There is no way for you to know that. Some people are like I was. I went looking even when there was no need. I did it many times. It was a character issue with me. Until all of this shakes out and the air clears, the level of deceit your husband has engaged in is an unknown. The day that it all becomes known, you can assess your contribution (if any), until then, you have to deal with what is in front of you. That means dealing with the fallout of his bad choices and how it affects you and the kids.

God bless,
Gimble

I really want you to know that until the day when H asked for a divorce, I did not realize the severity of out marital problems.
I love this man so much and I am starting to come to terms with the fact that he no longer loves me.
Mybe it is the rejection, that hurts, or the knowing that he is living his life now, just for him.
he was never like this before.
I know this may take a long time to get out of his system, he has the OW convincing him of things that are not true,and he is eating it up like a kid in a candy store.
His depression scares me, he asked a couple of weeks ago if I had kept up his life insurance policy.
I don't know if it is the lack of employment, or the guilt he is probably feeling that is making him feel this way.
I do hope he doesn't cancel hi trip in October, but as you have said so many times, I have no control over anything but me.
I have to sit back and watch how all of this unfolds.

I am venting again.....I am sorry.
I know my H is hurting and I know he is in sin, and I know what he is doing is wrong and I want to make it all better again.
Why am I not hateing him? I feel sorry for him.
I am just trying to be so strong right now.
Just trying to get a grip.

Take care of yourself. Most of us didn't get a grip right away. Be good to you and your children.

It is very miserable at first, but things do get much better.

Is there someone your H is close to, besides OW, who can take on the burden of worrying about him so you can focus on yourself and not him? I think you said he lives with his brother?

You need to force yourself to do something fun or healthy, even if you don't feel like it. Do you exercise? Can someone watch your kids for a few hours while you take a kick boxing class or even just take a long walk.

Gimble, I am assuming from your posts that you did this to your wife also.
Can I please ask you a personal question.....
What was going through your mind?
How did you justify it? What did you think each time you saw your wife? Did you have angry outbursts too?
Did you mean the words you said at the time? Did you say them to hurt your wife or to make yourself feel better?
What made you stop?

Hi, fredswife.

You can't help him right now. His depression is directly influenced by the choices he has made. He is suffering from the guilt of what he has done.

As others have said to you, you simply must concentrate on you and the kids right now.

My 'bad days' were over and done 30 years ago. I was a user and a player. I made your hubby look like a saint. I had no regard for other people other than what I could get from them, and all I was interested in was sex.

We weren't married at the time, but I lied and hid my actions from my wife to be for a couple of years. I never intentionally tried to hurt her, but I did hurt her, especially with the woman I had sex with in our bed. I even left the bed unmade afterward and smelling of sex. She left me soon afterward, but that was after she had revenge sex with a guy and decided that she didn't like my way of life and wanted no part of it.

So to answer your question, my issues were ones dealing with basic moral character, and I didn't have much. I could easily blame my childhood, but then that would be taking away from facing my own responsibility - just like your hubby is trying to blame you, and take away from his responsibility.

What made me stop was realizing that the woman that left me was the only person I had ever actually cared for at the time. My life had been pretty much devoid of any caring, and I was hard as a rock. I pursued her and won her back. We have been married almost 30 years now.

I firmly believe that your husband still loves you. The hardest thing you are going to have to do, is to let him suffer the consequences of the choices he has made. You can't fix it for him. You can't be his mommy. He has to ride this storm out on his own.

God bless,
Gimble

So even when he says he hates me?

Hi, fredswife.

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So even when he says he hates me?
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Just words. He is angry. He wants to think it is all your fault. He will eventually change his mind. I know that words hurt, and that is why you remove yourself from his spews as much as possible right now. He simply isn't firing on all thrusters.

Gimble

OK, tell me how to do this so I do not sound controlling....
I also know that timing is everything right now!!

This is what I want.
MIL is leaving here to go back to CA in the begining of October.This means H will have to find a place to live.
I want H to come back here, and help me to get the house on the market, work with me to pack up and sell it.
He can get a part time job, heck he can even live in MIL apartment, not in the house.
Once house is sold, we ALL move out to CA together.
Find rental home for me and kids to live.
At that time he can then do as he pleases.
I do not want to mention that I would like him to resume living with us, as right now he is not in the right frame of mind to be approached.

Hi, fredswife.

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OK, tell me how to do this so I do not sound controlling....
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Write down your respectful request, then put it away for the next two weeks. Then send it to him. You have to do this knowing that he may reject your offer, and that you will have to accept his potential refusal, gracefully.

If you send it now, he will simply snarl back something disrespectful, and then blame you for his situation.

Again, TIME is your best friend right now. Give him time to work through his anger, and you take time to do some things for you. Give it time.

Let me ask a question. Do you really want to live in CA?

Gimble

Yes.
I lived there since I was 13 and moved to NH with family as H got a job here.
hate the snow, hate the small town life!!
I miss Starbucks!!

When you come to California, bring plenty of money.

GIMBLE.....just got a call from my brother in law.
He is fed up with my H and is telling him tonight he is going home to his family.
That he needs to make peace with me for now, help me and the kids out, help me to sell the house, get a job, and help the family move back to California.
he said it has been 9 weeks and it is affecting his own marriage.
He is buying him his ticket and putting him on the plane.
THIS WAS NOT MY IDEA, I HAVE NOT TALKED TO BIL IN WEEKS!!!
My fear is that he will be very, very, angry and move in with OW, if she lets him.
I told BIL this and he said that if he does that it will only help me to get more money out of him if he files for a D.
He said he will be driving H to the airport himself and putting him on the plane.
My H told his brother that he feels like he didn't get a fair deal in life and that now it is his turn to be happy.
BIL said tough!!
You have a wife and 8 kids, you have responsibilities, take care of that first, and then you can have your happiness later.

The ****** is gonna hit the fan tonight, I am keeping my phone off!!! I will be blamed for this!!

It was so wierd because BIL called me right after I posted to you about my idea for October.
I have been praying about this, but I guess we will just wait and see.
I guess it is sorta like an intervention!

I know, I used to live there!! Right in Los Angeles!

You are right.
I am doing EMDR therapy right now, and it is helping alot.
No more shaking, or major panic attacks.
This did not begin until January, when H first started his BS

Read my new post, BIL wants him to move back home and be with his family. My H is affecting his marriage too.