fredswife,
You are getting a lot of good advise here. These guys know because there a so many people going through the same or similar situations. The way you are going about saving your M will probably not work. Notice what you have been doing. His emails determine how you feel. He writes a nasty email - you feel bad about yourself, you feel angry at him, you feel resentful. He write still a nasty email but one that includes him saying NC with OW - you believe what he says about NC, you have hope, and you ignore all the disrispectul comments.

STOP reading his emails. He is in control via emails. You are not.

It does not matter that the email went to a different account. You told him he should tex message you that you would not read his email. He did not. He wrote an email. You read it. Now, he got the power back. He will keep at it. You will be treated like a yoyo back and forth. You will not listen to the advice here as you are driven by emotions and his emails.

You will reach a point where it will be too much to deal with. He will reach a point where it will be too much to deal with. You will get to where no reconciliation will be possible or where it will be very very very difficult.

Listen to these people. I know it is hard. But do it. I wish I had listened more. But I was so emotionally exausted that I just kept listening to H's negativity, I became a yoyo, until it went too far...

Now, I have not seen H for almost 4 weeks (he lives 10 miles away). There is no talk of reconsiliation, no talk of working on it, no MC, nothing. We did talk MC before, we went to MC before, but I was so ruled by my emotions that it took over and things escalated too far... Now I may be at the point of no return. I see you going that way if you don't listen to these people...

Now I listen to them more, but it may be too late for me. It may not be too late for you. You are dealing with infidality. Plan A and Plan B are the way to deal with it. These guys know it. They know that your chances increase if you follow these plans. Even if you don't get your M, at some point you will be stronger and better prepaired to get your life back. You will be happier and you will not see your life without H as an impossibility. You may even see it as way better... Either way you will win. So take advice from these guys...

Best,
Daisy

Hi, fredswife.

Quote:
=============================
Sent to the family email address that is used by the kids, not my personal email address.
=============================

Okay.

Send him a short note, something like this; "Hubby, if you continue your vitriolic spews in email that the children can read, I will be forced to filter all your email to our family. Keep your conversations with the children, about the children and not our relationship. I expect the same respect extended toward me"

Don't talk about anything else. If he responds in a nasty way, filter him from every account and change all the email addresses.

Same rules for the phone. No nastiness tolerated. Change the phone number if you need to.

Are you following me? No correspondence with him (or other woman) unless there is a medical emergency.

As MEL told you, Yes, the exposure had an effect, evidently, a big one. You did good with the exposure.

We also told you he would be mad. He is mad. So what.

Gimble

How do you know when a WS is lying? When his lips are moving.

He is lying. This is a ploy to get you and his family off his back. Exposure to the light of reality was painful and he's trying to get back to a comfortable nice dark spot in the dark.

Gimble is right.

STOP reading his emails. Do exactly what Gimble advised you and nothing else. Period.

Your husband isn't even close to stopping his affair and coming home.

When you exposed hun, he lost control. Hence the lies, and the threats.

He's trying to get back in control of the situation, and that means being in control of you.

He's punching your buttons.

Move your buttons and don't tell him where you put them.

He is still babble but this time with threatening fire. So you must be careful. As for reading his e-mails, I will differ from the group and say someone must read them. It is important to know which way the creature slithers. So if it is too hard for you emotionally to read them, then send them to a nuetral and mature 3rd party. In fact, I would send all written communication to a 3rd party.

Now here is where you can use his own words against him.

1. He says he wants to disconnect from you.

Reality: He can't. U have children together.

2. He says you are drama to him.

Reality: Drama from You? Maybe some. Most of it is reactionary to his drama. It is vital you have done a stellar plan A, make your improvements, set your boundaries, secure your finances, protect your children, setup your support group and stand your ground. This includes being dark in plan B. REmember you must communicate some in plan B because of the children.

3. He says the children are his priority

Input: He needs to show it. You don't have to do anything with this one except keep open communication with your children. They will tell you if they think their 'daddy' has them as his priority. Even from afar a dad can show his care and concern.

4. He says Barbara is not his priority.

Input: Yea right. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Is he lying through his teeth or what?!?!?! Listen re-read what Bramble Rose wrote.

5. He says he is moving his family to California.

Input: Ok, let him prove it. Moving is not a picnic. When was the last time your family moved and who did most of the work?

BR is correct, many of us can tell you some wild stories. As for him sicing legal counsel on you. U go and find out your rights and let them know he is harrassing you with such threats. Take your e-mails if you must. BTW, keep all such communication in a safe place. Print it out and leave it elsewhere. A former MBer had a friend who printed out all her e-mails and then she gave them for me to hold. I went to court with her for her separation. Her WS threw her and 2 children out of his parent's home where they were living (his parents were out of the country). He threw her out in the middle of the night w/o a car, no $$, nothing. She called for civil standby and myself another friend and 4 huge police officers came and helped us move out. The officers couldn't touch any goods but they provided great protection. I can tell you most police officers have seen stupid WS doing stupid things. I have to take my son to the doctor this morning so I gotta go. Will be back to check on you later or as we say here 'talk story w/you'. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L.

You're lucky you were able to get Civil Standby...they don't offer that here. Did you have to go to court for it? I tried calling the Police when WS wanted his stuff but they said they couldn't come out but if something happened THEN call them...Lovely eh. Fortunately friends came to the rescue and we took 4 cars over to OW house and dropped the stuff on the sidewalk for him to move in.

I still am curious as to why this man is trying to start over in CA when his loving family and home are elsewhere...why uproot and start all over somewhere else? Or were you from CA originally and he had a job offer there?

Do you think he wants to do the separation quickly so that he can resume affair without feeling guilty?

Just my .02 now.

I received a monstrous (many in fact) emails from my now xh...and could SWEAR the email from him you posted here was from Darth...and I can say that these were the words of a completely NON repentant WS.

Bramble,Gimble,Melody...all are right on target here w/you.

Quit reading his emails. They are all about him.

What do you know about the OW?

I would find out if a move to CA is in the near future for her> ie...it sounds to me like he's considering the move to get away from the heat here. My xh did that. We moved to GA and he still kept in contact with ow1. It was "master plan" they move away, get away from heat of exposure I caused (he he), and then divorce and she relocate to GA and live happily ever after...my my did they get that wrong! HE got another ow preggers in the meantime and moneyho got monkeywrench thrown in her master plan...but I ended up D'd...

You do as you were told and read those darn books! Keep heat of exposure going and do a good plan. No reading of emails. He's spewing crapola.

I am not sure what to make of this though. I would be worried about moving if it were me. After all I did move.

I would seriously find out what is happening in OW life...is move in her future? Job changes? etc. Let us in on more about the ow so we can maybe see what's happening...the dynamics moving here.

Hi, Orchid.

I have been following fredswife's ordeal for many months now on another BBS. she does NOT need to be reading his email in my opinion.

He can send her registered POSTAL mail or call her on the phone IF he is civil. She can hang up the phone if he gets nasty. She can refuse mail. Dealing with the email is hard for her, and she will have a hard time not being drawn into the drama.

Sorry for talking about you in the third person, fredswife.

All the best,
Gimble

Fred's Wife can do whatever is best for her. Those were my suggestions. They were made so that in the event the WS went wacko to the next level and tried to prove her unfit, she could show those e-mails as proof of what really happened or at least show she took appropriate action to real issues vs babble.

Of course it is hard to read those e-mails. They are spewing hate but inbetween are reality things that need t/b dealt with and as a BS, she needs t/b responsible for those things.

Fred'swife, take care of yourself. Remember these are our individual opinons based on what each of us have read here. You digest what you can and use what will work best for your situation.

Take care,
L.

Hi, Orchid and fredswife.

I intended no offense, Orchid. I highly respect your contributions here.

I believe it likely that fred, at some point in time, entertained the idea of attempting to get his wife committed, moving to CA with the kids, and having a BIG happy family with him and other woman at the center. I think the only problem is that the logistics keep beating him back to reality.

Fred has been pushing his dear wife to believe that she is insane, for a while now. Meanwhile, fredswife, is living in fear that she is crazy, and that he might take away the kids or that she will be a single parent with 8 kids - a tough walk for anyone.

fredswife, you really need to see to your legal and financial well being with a legal separation or whatever the equivalent is in your state, so that you can establish precedence that your hubby is not supporting his family. That does NOT mean you have to divorce him, but you DO have to protect yourself and the children. Please do this before he can pull some off the wall crap and cause you even more pain. Right now, you have the power. Don't let your life drift back into the pushme/pullyou dynamic you have been trapped in for so long.

And please stop admitting to ANYTHING to your husband. He absolutely WILL use it against you given the chance.

You can do this thing, fredswife, and as Orchid says; "Pray for a clear mind. and a calm heart.".

God bless,
Gimble

Gimble,

No offense was even considered. MB has posters who are helping others see things from different POV and then the receiving poster gets to use the input by taking what is best for them. The sad piece is watching, reading or living through what the WS does to their family. This is very sad.

All of our input is valuable. I know not all of my ideas are doable for all BS', still since I don't know all the info, I share what I can often with a warning that it is JMHO. It is then expected the reader will digest and use what is best for their individual sitch.

Gimble, I certainly respect your posts as well. R we ok now? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

H text me to see if it was Ok to call the kids.
He spoke to them, then the phone was handed to me.
He wanted me to know that as soon as he gets here on 29th, he will be filing for a divorce.
I just said OK, this is not what I want but I can not fight you.
Told him it is redundant to file in NH if we are moving to CA, why can't we wait until the move, as we had already discussed.
He said no, it has to be done now, it is part of me moving on with my life.
So I told him that we can see the mediator, but as he is only here for a week, i don't think too much can be done in a week.
Then he was nice and calm, and i got sucked in.....
As soon as there was something I disagreed upon, he began, and then I finally said this conversation is over now.
I hung up on him.
He kept calling, I received nasty voice mails, and saved them for evidence.
He then called other phone and I said that if you say one more word that puts me down, or insults me i will be changing the phone number on Monday.
He responded with his usual BS, that I did all of this to myself.
There was never any chance of reconcilliation, ever, and I better get it into my head that divorce is inevitable.
So, of course, Idiot me said, are you rushing this divorce so that you can have a clear conscience about your relationship with Barbra?
He was furious, and said my friends are willing to press charges against you and I am the one stopping them from doing it.
I said that he has no power in my life anymore, tell them to do what they want, use the sale of the house to pay my attorney fees and have the kids in foster care.
That is all you will accomplish.
I will not be treated like this anymore.
I feel like a f-ing dog.

I have felt that way for a long time but I kept holding out for hope.
Now I do not have anything.
I really pushed him over the edge with the exposure.
Are you sure he is going to calm down?
When he is here visiting, and acts like that I have no fear in getting a restraining order if I have to.

Verbal abuse much? Have you put up with this throughout your M? Very firm boundaries! Great words you said there.

My guess about the threats he is making is he is talking with friends about the emails and exposure and he has railed on about it, and the friends nod and act like they understand, and he takes that as agreement. Ugh, don't get sucked into it. Don't beleive in his reality/fantasy.

You did good!

Change your phone # dear. And if the kids hand the phone to you ever again, hang it up without putting it to your ear.

Save everything. You might need a restraining order.

And you are right, he's rushing the divorce so he can be guilt free.

Hun, you CAN fight him on a divorce.

You do NOT have to cooperate if he files.

However, if his plan is to file in NH, then darn it, you better beat him to the courthouse.

You need the advantage here hun.

I will not get a good deal in NH, i get more money in CA

Yes, but you dont have residency in CA. You have to get residency before filing and your husband is (so he says) in a hurry for a divorce.

Which means a NH divorce. Do check and find out if there is any advantage to being the first to file. You may need it.

Who knows what he really is going to do anyway. And btw, his threats of taking the children because you are nuts???

All those emails and voicemails are pretty much proof positive (provided you havent returned fire in kind) that HE is the mental case.

So no worries there.

And if you are such an unfit mother, why would he leave you alone for months with the children?

Do you think a judge is going to believe him for a second?

can you file for legal separation without residency in CA?

We had a deal.
He broke it, which really pises me off.
But I guess he is a liar.