dear saving...been following your thread and said a prayer for you today. i feel your pain. felt led to share these verses with you...hope they encourage you.

"Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." Ex.14:13-14

"Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him...for the power of the wicked will be broken but the Lord upholds the righteous." Ps.37:7,17

"When I said, my foot is slipping, your lvoe, O Lord, supported me. when anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul." Ps. 94:18-19

God bless!

Thank you!!!
Yes, they are encouraging.
YES I need to BE STILL!!
That is my weakest area, I want so much to fix the problem, that I step in the way of God, open up my big mouth and do something.
In 11 days he will be home.
Please pray that I will BE STILL, that I would LISTEN, that I would have SELF CONTROL.
I want to see my husband, but I must not have any expectations about anything.
I am praying that his anger towards me will have subsided and that I will not be baited into any fights with him.
I pray that my own anger and my pain will not hinder my ability to be the woman I am supposed to be.
I do not know what Gods will is for my situation, I want so much for it to be restoration, but I also know in my heart that this will time much time and patience on my part.
God has his own timetable!
My prayer today is that my H will see in me something worth keeping and working for, that I was not a mistake in his life.

I have been thinking.......(scarey thought)!
If when H arrives and he is still angry, he will probably also be very distant.(It will have been 3 weeks to the day of NC with OW), from what I read, he should start to begin to feel a little better(?)
Our phone conversations are getting better, but face to face, I do not know yet.
12 weeks apart is a very long time.
He has had the chance to build up many negative things in his head about me, and will probably see any acts of kindness towards him as manipulation of some kind or another.
Perhaps I am just supposed to go about my daily routine with the house, and the kids and see how he interacts with us?
Should I try to include him in things or just wait and see if he asks?
Because of the depression, he may seem very withdrawn, am I supposed to cheer him up? Or leave him alone?
I already know he doesn't trust me to talk, so I have made sure that I do not ask any questions, unless he initiates something.
If he brings up the divorce, I need to kindly remind him that he is here to visit the family not to make a hard situation worse, and that when he returns to California he can proceed with the paperwork there.
I did tell him on the phone that his girls want to pamper him and give him loads of TLC, he said he was looking forward to it.
He wants to cook for the family, so I guess that is a good thing. He will be emailing me a list of all of the things he wants to cook for us, so I promised I would have all of the ingredients in the house.
As far as sleeping arrangements, I guess he will be on the couch, I doubt very much he will want to share a bed with me anyway.
I will not ask questions about his comings and goings, I know sometimes he likes to go for a drive to clear his head.
He used to go out alot to call OW on his cell phone.
From the reports back in CA, he has not been out in the evenings,and has been home each night in his room. No sleepovers.

Good news savingmyself,
I am so glad to hear that he is staying in his room at his families instead of going out.
I will be praying for you and your family. My husband acted really sick around family after we first confirmed the ea. (Emotionaly sick, that is) He was quiet and withdrawn. His behavior now has somewhat returned to normal. Yay!! Just don't expect too much from him right now, and definately Plan A him. I offered my w/h lots of back rubs, waited on him, bought his favorite foods. In fact the refrigerator is plum full of all his favorite things. I would have a big glass of ice tea waiting for him when he came home. One of his main complaint about me was that I ignored what he wanted. Now I ask him if he wants something and if he says no, I just let it go and don't try to force things on him. I don't know if he has noticed this, but it is just one of the things I have changed about myself to address the existing problems we had before the EA.

I plan on doing all of those things....if he lets me!
Before he left for CA, each evening I massaged his feet, we spent so much time together, and were really back on track.I would get daily hugs, he was holding my hand, it was wonderful.
Even though i had the cloud of divorce hanging over my head, my H was definately sitting on the fence.
His last week at home he shared my bed with me, and just held me each night.
I felt like we were finally moving in the right direction.
I knew about OW but as she was 3000 miles away I felt I had a chance of saving my marriage.
Once he was actually in contact with her and seeing her regularly, it seems he has fogotten everything.
I am hoping we can at least get back to the place where we were before he left. I also know this whole process is going to take much time, love and pateince and no love busters!!! .
If she stays out of the picture permanently, we may have a chance.

I had a dream last night about my husband.
He was a soldier coming home from a war, totally defeated and weak.
Feeling hopeless.
It made me realize that I have so much compassion for this man, and that I need to be able to minister to him and put my own fears, anger and hostility aside.
I may not win back his love for me, but I can certainly be the woman that I was meant to be.
I can find forgivness in my heart for him, and not dwell on his indiscretions.
As I said before in a previous post, anger and hostility got me nothing.
Bitterness and revenge made me miserable.
Control made him resentful of me.
I know in my heart that he does have guilt, and that he is hurting. His "plan" failed miserably, and he has nobody to blame but himself. I know he will somehow put the blame onto me, but I will have to learn to let it go.
I also know he is angry, because he will eventually have to face reality.
I watched my 3 year old have a tantrum yesterday, it reminded me of my husband.
I just ignored it, told my son that I am sorry you are feeling this way, and walked away.
10 minutes later he came looking for me wanting a hug!
I need to make our home a "safe" place for him to be.
If he still chooses to leave, I will not try to stop him, or beg him to stay.
I know that he is his own person, and I can not do anything to force him to love me again.
Please keep me in your prayers,

My H is so damned rude!!
He called me today to let me know he got the paperwork for the house and will be mailing it back.
Asked him a question about hearing from any job leads etc, so he starting to let me know and was very pleasant etc.
When the conversation was focused on him.
I asked him if he was ever able to put his portfolio back together, and he said that he had found it in the car.
He said he told me but it must have been during one of my episodes that I wasn't listening to him.
I didn;t say a word.
He mentioned that he wanted us to go on a field trip with the kids and do something fun.
I told him that I wanted him to have a nice visit with the kids, and relax. he could do whatever he wanted with them.
Then I asked him a question about the kids, because he was complaining that they are calling him too much.
I reminded him that he told them they could call whenever they wanted to.
Now he wants to set up a regular calling time for him to speak to them.
We have 4 kids that have bithdays in one week in the month of October, including me, so I asked if he would still be here on the 10th as the Olive Garden is opening up locally and the kids love going there.
His response was of course, I am not making plans so far in advance.
Then I said I have pretty much resolved myself to the idea that I will still be here for the winter.......and I didn't get to finish my sentence.
He started to yell at me that I was taking up too much of his time and draining him. So I said, Ok, bye. And hung up the phone.
His text to me said I give you an inch and you take a mile, you have no consideration of my time.
His time!!
He has had me looking up houses and schools for him, nevr asking me if it is convenient for me.
Damn him, he called me, I didn't know he was in a hurry, I was polite.
He was rude and disrespectful!
How am I going to do this if he keeps shutting me out of his life.
I am so frustrated!!!!!!!!!

saving...

I can understand your frustration. Hang in there.

The one thing that I came to realize in the last 4 months since H left me, is that the issues we have all the problems, will take a long time to fix. It is not a questions of a couple of weeks or even of a couple of months. Some people take a year or 2 to get to where they feel their M is working and is a happy M. I wanted to fix my M within a time slot, 2-3 months would have been nice. Now I am a realist. It takes time...a lot of it.

It takes time for you to change and be the person you want to be...It takes time for you H to change and for both of you to change the dynamics of your M, to get over the pain. I am sorry to tell you, but you are still at the beginning...you are still dealing with the pain, and your H is no where near thinking of "lets work on this M, it can be done". It takes time.

I may be wrong, but it may just be that your H did not want to discuss LONR TERM plans with you. I have stopped thinking long term for now. You may want to hold of any discussion about 'your future'. Lets face it, he is not thinking that way now, and needs his space. His respond about you taking up his time, really is not about time at all. I would bet he felt pressured. Even an innocent remark about you still living there in the winter can feel like pressure to him to get his act together. I saw my H reacting in similar ways...

Try to make this time you have as nice as you can. Do what you feel!!! Really, don't focus on him too much. It will be hard, but your life is about you! Go through your routine; don't change it just because he is there. He needs to find his own way into your life...Be pleasant but do not let him walk all over you OR walk on egg-shells around him. Really the best thing for you is to be a confident woman and show him you have a life without him...Do you thing!!!

If you would like him to sleep in the bedroom with you, then leave that as an option. Don't shut that door. If he says he'll stay on the couch, just say that is fine, don't be disappointed. The best thing you can do is not read too much into every little thing he does. He does not even know what he wants.

I mean, he tells the kids to call whenever they like, and now he is already trying to get a schedule going when he wants them to call. He can not even stick to it when his children are involved. Sad, and painful for your kids...

AS far as mentioning the R, that is a hard one. I really don't know...I would suggests letting him approach it his own way...and really do not expect too much. They can sense it when you want more and he will likely pull back more. My H did that and now that I have detached myself more, he started to call me and wants to see me...It is a pull-push relationship now, and it may be the case for you...

I wish you much luck...
Take advantage of these 11 days before he comes to focus on you get a routine going and that way you will be more focused when he shows up...

Daisy

You are absolutely right.
Had he not cut me off from my sentence, what I wanted to say was" I do not want you to feel so pressured about the job situation. I am resolved to stay in NH for the winter and there doesn't need to be a timetable" I wanted him to know that he has not let the family down,and that I know he is trying to do his best.
he is such a turd sometimes!!!
Anyways, I know this is going to be such hard work.
I know that this is going to take a lot of time.
I know that I have to fight my urge to bring up anything to do with all that has happened. It is still no new and so fresh.
I bought 2 books to read, More then Friends, and Surviving an Affair.
I could barely get past the first few pages, they just made me cry.
I really do not want to talk about it with him right now.
he is too angry and there will be nothing resolved anyway.
He will be here for a short visit, and I will be on my best behavior, I am doing this not only for my kids, but to challenge myself.
Having always lacked in the area of self control, this will be good for me.
I am going to try and set up a few appointments for myself just to keep busy while he is here.I want him to have time with the kids without my interference.
I also do not want to be here if the kids ask him questions.
I want him to deal with the emotional stuff, let him see their faces, let him wipe their tears.
I do not want to divorce my husband, but I know in my heart that I can not save this marriage on my own. I can only do PLAN A and that is all.
If he chooses to remain blind and in denial that he has done anyting wrong it will have to be something I will eventually learn how to accept.
Right now I need to stay focused in prayer, and on my life.
I do not want any relationship talks with him, as they will all end up the same way with him saying I want a divorce, you have ruined my life, bla bla bla.
Keep me in your prayers....
10 more days til the Alien lands

"doormat" is stamped on your forehead.

Surely you realize that you do not have to do this? He cannot make you.

You just say "no, I can't do that."

Where are your boundaries?

did you ever go get Codependent No More?

I thought i was having a good attitude, and it got him out of his depression for a littel bit and we were finally communicating.......

I bought it on Ebay, it should arrive any day now.
I have another EMDR session tomorrow.
His mother wants to do an intervention!
I told her not to bother it will just make him angrier, but I did tell her that when she goes back to CA that she needs to stop helping him out with money, etc.
He wants to be a grown up let him find a job and support himself, let alone his wife and 8 kids and the mortgage.

I AM JUST VENTING....BETTER HERE THEN AT H.

I have my job interview tomorrow, I haven't had one in years!!!

Hi, saving.

Quote:
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I have my job interview tomorrow, I haven't had one in years!!!
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Well good luck!

Establishing some independence will phone in a serious wake-up call to hubby.

God bless,
Gimble

Hey, I got the job!!
Just trying to work out child care arrangements for my 3 year old on his off days from preschool.
Total shocker this morning.......
At around 8 this morning,(5 his time) H called to tell me that he was thinking about me and has not been very encouraging to me.
That I had shown him alot of support during his job searches, and he wanted to let me know that he was thinking about me and wanted to thank me.
We really had a nice chat and it was like talking to my real husband again.(Guess the alien was still asleep at that ungodly hour)!
I know, I know, no expectations, but it really did make my day!!

Hi, saving.

Congratulations on the job! That is great news.

Gimble

I had a really good day today.
My therapist is so awesome, and today during my EMDR I really learned alot about myself.
Anyway, just wanted to keep you updated.
PLEASE keep my family in your prayers, 9 days til the mother ship lands!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

The last couple of days I have not had to take my Anti_Anxiety meds.
Since knowing that the OW is in NC with H has made me feel so much better.
I think the stress of everything, th e lies and all of the other BS really put a strain on me.
I am starting to feel much better.
H called again yesterday, he was really depressed. Said he has alot on his mind and the job thing isn't working out for him.
I told him that maybe now after 12 weeks, he needs to look at his visit home as a mental health break.
Yes, getting a job is important, but getting your head together is more of a priority.
He asked me who is in charge of his life?
I told him he was.
He made his own choices, not anyone else.
He said what about God.
I said ultimately he is in charge, but only if you let him.

Isn't it amazing when you are at your lowest, and really don't expect anything good, the w/s pop up and surprise you with acting almost human.
Congratulations on the new job!!!!!!
This job will help your self-esteem tremendously. WTG!!!

Thank you!!
8 more days til he comes home.
He is so,so depressed.
Wish I knew what was in his head...............