Divorced and now engaged to be married to someone who never was and we're also expecting our first child together. I have two from my previous marriage, a 6yr old son, and a 5yr old daughter. I'm so glad that my kids really seem to like/love this new woman in their lives. The get excited at the thought of seeing her and we genuinely all get along very well...or so I thought. I came across an email exchange from my fiance to her sister in law, in which she states the following:

"ok since you are the only one who understands my adversion to B's kids – they got pinworms and I am gagging – only look it up on the internet if you are brave it is so completely disgustingly gross I have to call my baby dr and see if I need to take medicine – seriously the most disgusting thing in the world"

First, she has never mentioned an aversion to my children. I'm livid, and in major protection mode. She semed to genuinely like my kids.
Second, yes, I'll be the first to admit my dauhter's pin worms are rather disgusting but, these things happen w/ children.

What if that happened to her own daughter? I didn't complain when her dog ate a nest of bunnies, then slept on our bed that evening...which I really think was groser than pin worms.

What do I do? How do I even approach the subject? Should I just admit I saw the correspondence, and confront her?

Help

Uncle Fester

You invaded her privacy by reading her emails.
How will you bring that up?
You should have been discussing your children all along, if you haven't start now.
And did you think that her aversion could be due to the fact that she's pregnant and likely emotional.

Start a good foundation now for the new marriage, or you'll be in the same boat again. Use MB principles.

I guess I thought we were discussing them. As far as living together, and providing a place they could call their own, getting her more involved in their lives (attending their soccer games, etc.)

I guess what gets to me is that she's obviously discussed her "aversion" w/ other people, yet the sister in law is the only one that gets it. She's NEVER mentioned anything to me, yet I have been willing to, and have, addressed her dogs (her babies), and their behavior (not just the bunny incident).

HUGE, HUGE, MAJOR RED FLAG!

DO NOT MARRY THIS WOMAN!!

Your first priority is to your children. She has tolerated them to this point because she has to in order to get what she wants. Her toleration will not last.

If she is willing to blatantly LIE to you about her feelings toward your kids, then there is no telling what she is willing to lie to you about. These are indications that she has a narcissistic disorder and to hook up with such a person is a prescription for heartache and trouble.

It is very very unfortunate that you have produced a child with her.

You can try counseling, but I don't suspect it will work. Besides, how can you trust her if she is so adept at hiding her true feelings from you?

Protect your kids. Limit their exposure to her.

Granted they ain't married yet, but PRIVACY is a thing Dr. Harley addresses in the Policy of Radical Honesty or should I say discourages in that policy. Fester, how did you "come across" these e-mails? Tell us honestly...



Good point, but I wouldn't be willing to gamble on it. If I were to jump to any judgement, it would be that her and her sister have been talking about this for a while. How far along is your fiance? How long have y'all been dating? Do your kids live with you? If not, how often do you have your kids?


I agree... Start the foundation NOW... Do not get married until that foundation is in place. I believe I'm right when I say two major reasons for 2nd marriage failures are CHILDREN and money. Actually, there was a woman on the emotional needs boards a couple weeks ago that dispised her step-kids and as a matter of factly always did. She treated them different from the other children and those kids are going to suffer. Do NOT make you kids suffer for this.

I truly pray that she does not understand the word that she used. Aversion is defined as:

1 obsolete : the act of turning away
2 a : a feeling of repugnance toward something with a desire to avoid or turn from it <regards drunkenness with aversion> b : a settled dislike : ANTIPATHY <expressed an aversion to parties> c : a tendency to extinguish a behavior or to avoid a thing or situation and especially a usually pleasurable one because it is or has been associated with a noxious stimulus

That's sad.... Please continue to give us some background and for the love of your children DO noT GET MARRIED UNTIL THIS THING IS SETTLED..........

I came across her emails when I was fixing her computer. Email wasn't working, I got it working and there was the exchange in her inbox. Should I have looked? No. Am I glad I discovered her true feelings, if they aren't in fact hormonal/emotional feelings. Yes. I said I was willing to admit that part.

That was my point...that she's obviously discussed this w/ others...and not me AT ALL.

17 weeks along.

Dating for 10.5 months

Kids do not live w/ me. I have them every Wednesday and Thurdsay overnight, then a full weekend (Friday PM to Monday AM) one week, a 1/2 weekend (Sat AM to Sun PM) the next.

I hope so as well, and not the "feeling of repugnance toward something with a desire to avoid"

Other synonyms include; dislike, hatred, distaste, loathing.

Can you understand my concern?

I'll gladly have her be mad for the snooping issue in exchage for an honest answer on the other but...not sure that I'll get it. Should I just start to discuss the kids more and my concerns (tell her I read infromation about blended families in a book, and realized we should discuss our situation more, since we're getting closer to marriage/moving in/baby?

Fester,

I can’t express how huge this deal could be and yes, in my humble opinion, it could be a deal breaker. Since obviously we can’t change the string of events that led to this situation or how you discovered her feelings, we need to focus squarely on where do you go from here.

Sure you could just start bringing up more discussion and light footing it around the issue. While doing so, I would bet that you are going to be observing your fiancé very closely and at every wrong move you are going to start building up resentments. Then at some point this whole thing is going to blow sky high and without even knowing it you’ll have built up a hatred for her, doesn’t sound like a good idea to me.

There are tons of step-parenting books out there and truly y’all should read them and have very active conversation about how y’all will parent together. But that doesn’t touch the underlying issue of her distaste for your kids.

OK, is this feasible? Set up an appointment for yourself with a female family therapist. Go to that appointment and reveal all these things to her and ask her advise on how to proceed. It may involve coming clean with your fiancé and then asking her to go to family counseling BEFORE you guys get married. In my humble opinion it is not healthy for a man or a woman to have hatred towards children. This has to be addressed to get to what the issue is. Her issue may be with your parenting style, hatred for your x-wife, or jealousy over your relationship with the kids. She may be an only child who demands all your time and is pouting because she has to share you. Whatever the case, it’s messed up and I don’t believe that YOU can fix it without help. I also believe that it won’t just get better no matter how many books she reads. Once y’alls perfect little angel is born that will further separate her from your kids…. Get help, please…. And again, PLEASE take me seriously when I say DO NOT GET MARRIED UNTIL THIS THING IS FIGURED OUT………

How can you say the kids don't live with you when you have them 7 or 8 nights every two weeks (reading by your days above)? This is 50/50 custody, and if you have them that much, this is a major part of your life.
Get help now. LH is a good resource, use his knowledge. He's worked hard to incorporate MB principles into his new marriage and to effectively blend the families - which is key to a successful relationship.

Fester,
I agree with Newly and LH. However, I tentatively suggest you might want to snoop a little more before you confront your fiance. If she hasn't told you she has a problem with your children, it's unlikely she'll give you a completely honest answer.

It could be her problem is with your ex, the way you parent, or sharing. Or it could be she doesn't like your children. Even at 6 and 5, your children are individuals with their own personalities.

It could also be that she didn't understand the full strength of the word aversion when she used it, but I very much doubt it. It's not the kind of word you just toss around.

I've seen what can happen when the new spouse dislikes the other's children. It's terrible for everyone. It's impossible to have a peaceful, happy home.

Unfortunately, your finance is now pregnant and probably highly motivated to marry you. Highly motivated people may fudge a little with the truth, rationalize away her aversion, etc. Under the circumstances, I doubt she'll be direct with you now about your children.

Sorry. I know this isn't what you wanted to hear.

This discussion really scares me. It gives me that icky vision of a never-married-no-kids woman, who realizes she better start a family, and who finds a guy who is apparently a great dad, and decides to latch on to him because he would be a great father to HER kids. She looks at HIS kids as a necessary evil (precisely like the lady on EN who "loathes" her H's kid), not realizing that to a good dad, his kids mean the world.

If this is really that kind of woman, just wait till the baby comes along. To her, the baby will be the important child, while the other rugrats will be an annoyance, especially when they hit the teenage years. Yikes. Kinda gives it that whole creepy Cinderella wicked stepmother feel.

Yes, the baby-on-the-way is a huge complication, but I am with the others - do not marry this woman until you really understand how she feels about your kids. As complicated as things are now, it will only get worse when you have two sets of kids in the picture - her STEPkids and her OWN kid.

This whole discussion depresses me, because it makes me wonder if you can really blend kids in a family. I guess it also explains why Harley says that the number one predictor of divorce is second marriages is blending kids. No matter what anyone says, most will never love someone else's kids like their own.

Anyway, I agree with the others that at this point the woman's motivation will be to go through with the marriage, so I would not expect too much honesty from her on this issue. I would start having more and more discussion and probing, but avoid confrontational discussions. Of course with the clock ticking, you want to get some answers fast, so this is all quite complicated. Sorry.

AGG

Thanks for the feedback...keep it coming. I guess I'm feeling like, if I wasn't engaged to this woman with a child on the way, and I was aware of the comment, would I stick around? Arrghh!

I might belong to a parallel universe but to me this whole thing "festers" with or without the pinworms.

Did I misunderstand something here or did you say you are cohabitating with this woman and you have your children stay with you regularly? And you think this is ok? The children's mother is ok with this?

You called this woman your fiance? What the *#**!! is that?
You gave her a diamond, chose a china pattern and set a date? And when in the name of Christmas did this "betrothal" take place? The day after she announced she was "with child"?

You are worried about your alleged fiance's commitment to the wellbing of your children? You are their FATHER. You produced a sibling for them with a woman you knew for less than six months? Someone. Please. Tell me I am missing something here!

In order to build a marriage, don't YOU HAVE TO HAVE ONE?

No marriage license -- that's one atomic bomb of of love buster!

Is my brain missing a lobe or something? Someone please explain this to me!

Pieta, I think it's safe to say that our festering friend has figured out what causes pregnancy and that the situation as presented is less than an ideal set of circumstances. While some great personal growth may be gained from processing the when's and why's of this relationship, those are processes that will have to wait.

Right now, it is exactly what it is. So the question becomes where do we go from here?

Fester, are you formulating any plans? I would say to not disclose what you know or confront her until you have a plan. She may destroy the e-mails.......

Pieta,

Yes, you misunderstood. I am not cohabitating w/ her. That was being planned for the future...so no, there are no "sleepovers" when I have my children, and no I wouldn't even be ok with that. FTR, I'm a severly devoted father.

Yes, you're right, she is my fiance but, no china pattern, and no date yet. No, it didn't occur the same day.

Sure I'm concerned about her commitment to the well being of my children and I clearly understand that I AM their father. Perhaps you missed that I am clearly in their lives. In additon to the above I pick my son up from Kindergarten 3 days a week, and my daughter 2 days a week from pre-school, to have lunch w/ them. I also coach their soccer teams, which again gives me time w/ them on Monday evenings as well.

Please re-read the top. I have been dating her for 10.5 months (and have known her for over two years.)

I undersand the circumstances are not ideal, and would not have been hers, or my choice on how to start a marriage but, I'm here now doing my best to face a situation that I thought was really going great (based on all outward appearances)...until I read her comments.

Thanks LH, I appreciate the feedback, and will not confront.

FYI, that doesn't mean you do nothing. Dude this isn't going to go away and if anything will get worse especially after the baby is born. Granted this is all relatively new, but you need to start formulating a plan of action and it would also help to start getting educated on step-parenting and blending families.

I was thinking that one option would be to SNOOP and find out what all she has typed to her sis.... But on second thought, I don't think that's such a good idea for various reasons. I still think the best course of action is to start out with some pre-marital type of counselling which is perfectly normal.

I don't know when you were planning on "moving" her in but again I wouldn't do a thing until this matter is resolved. One of the worst things you could do for your kids is to move her in, let them get all attached to her, and then end up giving her the boot.

You have been given a lot of great advice. Being a teacher, i think of your kids first. Kids are very quick. what do they think of your fiance? I can't tell you how often I have heard from my schoolkids "my stepmom/dad doesn't like me. He/She only cares about my new brother/sister." Then they start to resent the parent for bringing this person in their lives. I agree with others you need to start snooping and looking very closely at her behavior. People can only hide so much of their true character. Now that you are aware, watch her closely. I think if you mention it too soon, she will become very guarded and lie. Does she seem real with your kids or is she too nice and fake? I can tell almost immediately people who truely love kids. I know she is having your baby, but your other two have already lived thru the pain of a divorce. Guard them. Don't marry this one until you have uncovered a lot of truths here.

OK, let me play the devil's advocate for a second. Aside from the above snippet, have there been ANY indications of her having a problem with your children? Is there a chance that this particular e-mail (while no doubt troublesome) is more of an indication of some sort of a "germ freak" or "anti-kudies" paranoia she may have, than a real indication of how she feels about the kids?

The fact is that for non-parents it may be difficult to understand and accept some of the things that we parents do without thinking twice about, be it picking up a toddler's dropped lollypop off the ground, licking it, and giving it back to our toddler to enjoy, or cleaning a wound, or popping a zit, or simply changing a poopy diaper...

Any thoughts on the possibiilty that she may be simply revolted by the pinworm, rather than by the kids themselves?

AGG

LH,
Already looking into counseling and will pursue that option. I think I will go by myself prior, and suggest that she go by herself, then together.
Lucky,
The kids really like her a lot. They always ask where she is, if she'll be joining us, etc. They want to, and enjoy spending time w/ her.
AGG,
You may have a point there about it just being an "icky", becasue like I mentioned earlier, she has never given an indication. My main concern is that she has obviously discused some issue w/ my kids prior, and the stong aversion word.

Well, agreed, but keep in mind that there are two potentially different issues here. One is the possibility that she is truly averse to your kids - huge, gargantuan red flag, can't see any point in marrying someone like that. The other issue is that she is not averse to your kids, but is so repulsed by pinworm that she needed to vent, and vented to someone else behind your back. The latter is not the greatest scenario, but certainly on a whole different level than the first, agreed? After all, you have gone behind her back and talked to others simply by posting here, right? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />. I know, I know, it's different, but you do need to understand what the real issue is in this situation - aversion to kids or aversion to pinworm.

AGG

OK, I'll take 40 lashes with a wet noodle.

Fester, I appologize about my cohabitation comment. It's just that when you wrote:

"I didn't complain when her dog ate a nest of bunnies, then slept on our bed that evening...which I really think was groser than pin worms."

I mistakenly assumed that "our bed" meant "our one and only bed".

I guess the whole thing totally "ick-ed" me out, especially when you threw the bunny thing into it. Apparently dogs do not carry pinworms but rabbits do.

If you decide to stay with this woman, I hope you do not leave your kids alone with her--EVER--and that you monitor her interactions with them whenever you are all together.

Perhaps some people just do not have the capacity to love kids other than their own, especially when these children share a genetic history with someone that their lover used to love. Perhaps your girl friend will feel differently after her own child is born. She will see resemblances and appreciate genetic material shared by all in the half-sibship.

For me the early years of my marriage were like riding a tandem bike. Sometimes turning the corners were a little tricky. But when we had kids, it was like adding extra wheels that stablized the ride.

Now you have a new partner on the tandem. Do not allow her to let any air out of the tires of those extra wheels! You can only accomplish this by being vigilant--which it seems to me that you already are.