Itellectually, I know this is true. It is just so hard to truly accept that I can change nothing, abolutely nothing, except myself. As much as I want to recover my marriage and believe it is possible, it is not possible under the current circumstances.


Orchid: U R in plan B for your benefit. As for him 'getting it', that's up to him. As for your personal recovery, that's up to you. Plan B is for your personal recovery while the WS has his head up his butt. If your boundary includes NOT being amrried to a WS, then D c/b in the works. But it w/b at your request not the A or WS'. .[/quote]

This is the crux, Orchid. It is my inability to let go. I wish I could block WH out of my mind and heart as effectively as I have blocked him physically out of my life. I still have work I can do on myself. I have plenty of things to keep me busy. I need to train my mind just not to go certain places. I've already mulled every possible scenario a thousand times through.


Orchid: Listen to Steve. Many fear the holiday but it usually happens less trauma or drama then we envision. If you don't feel like being the hostess this year.... pass the baton on.... probably time you do so anyway..... sounds like you spoil them too much. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Tell the Inlaws you are quite exhausted from his charades and this year, the family gatherings will have t/b held elsewhere. Let them know if they want to include you and your family you w/b honored but if not, you'd understand. Be prepared t/b rejected so you w/b ready for either response. Once you are prepared you w/b ready and you will be ok.



Orchid: That's up to them. You can't fret nor control the reactions of others. As for your daughters being the source of joy during the holidays, they will continue t/b your source of joy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> Hug them and give them lots of your love. It will come back 10 fold from them. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Hugz,
L. [/quote]

Actually, I enjoy being the hostess and cooking. It is something I do well. I love Christmas. I think that I will still invite them all to come. It is up to them whether or not they attend.

My biggest fear concerns D10 in the case of divorce. D17 will be graduating in spring and then going abroad to study. It will not be possible for me to truly emotionally detatch and make a fresh start while remaining here surrounding by a neighborhood of inlaws. I would have lucrative work opportunities in another part of this small country. That would mean uprooting D10 and taking her a way from an environment in which she feels safe and loved.

No, I don't want a divorce. I want to recover my marriage. That takes two, though. So yes, Luna, you are probably right. There is a part of me that thinks it will take the threat of divorce to cut through WH's fog.

So yes, you are right. I will wait until January. By that time I will probably be so fed up and have lost all my love for the <a style='text-decoration: none; border-bottom: 3px double;' href="http://www.serverlogic3.com/lm/rtl3.asp?si=24&k=frog%20prince" onmouseover="window.status='frog prince'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">frog prince</a> and will want a divorce for me.

It is time for me to use Plan B for me, for my preparation for life on my own, for my enjoyment, for my self improvment.

A married couple, very close friends of mine and part of my personal support group through this whole ordeal want to talk to WH. They want to try to shake him back to reality and make him see that if he does not end contact with Skunkypoo completely and forever, he will end up divorced, lonely, depleted of all his assets, he will have limited contact with his children, etc. etc. The wife in this couple was married before and dumped her H when she discovered his A. A few months after the D was final, H came crawling back to his family ... too little, too late. My friend had moved on with her life. Now years later, she has a wonderful M with her 2nd H.

I am hesitant. I think that WH is too far in the fog and that such a conversation would only be useful and affirmative once, if ever, WH has ended contact with Skunkypoo.

What do y'all think?

While it may not yield immediate results, let your friends or anyone who wants to put some sense into the WS try. It is their need to try. Don't deny them that need.

IMHO, one of the reasons why it is hard for you, is your mind and heart is not in sync. You can't let go because you think you have unfinished business fixing the WS.

In reality, you can't fix the WS. No BS can. What a BS really does best is work on themselves and move forward. It shows in action to the WS that the BS and family have no tolerance for the A. While you say you don't, your actions of reaching out for the WS instead of for your H is enabling to the A. Once your heart figures that out..... then you w/b able to move forward with less pain. You will not yearn for the WS to turn around, instead you w/b angry the WS has held your H captive for soooo long and be even more angry if you can't see your H anymore.

Ask the WS to go find your H, the real one and let your friends have at him. Can't hurt. Right?

L.

Thanks, Orchid. You are a pillar of strength for me. I am so grateful that you faithfully check in on my thread with your sage advice and humour.

This is true: my heart and mind are not in sync. I am afraid that once they are, my M is over. It just takes one look at my daughters and my heart says continue with MB. If it were not for my children, I would be long gone. MB seems to offer actions that I can take independent of a cooperative partner, that will lead to solutions --- personal recovery and possibly marital recovery.

I know that if I had know about MB when I first suspected the A, I could have perhaps prevented it from becoming so entrenched. But I didn't know and I can't change that and honestly, I don't spend any time fretting about that. It is the future and the thoughts of uprooting D10 or of her fighting against it and wanting to stay with WH and the ILs...

On my way out the door but just wanted to let you know that when your mind and heart syncs up it will be better for you, your family and your H but horrors for the WS. So it may not mean the end of your M or it might. That's up to you at that point.

Don't fear.

Will check back in tonight.

Aloha,
L.

LT,

How r u doing? Don't let fear of the unknown prevent you from progressing. Remember you can't control the world or even those around you but you can control yourself.

You may be pleasantly surprised to find out where your true supporters reside. May not be all human. That reassuring hug c/b from a favorite pet or a total stranger who sees your plight. They might not know the details but give you just enough support to make it through the day.

Those are what can help you til it all syncs up. Then when it does.... look out WS because the BS now is on a mission with a clear mind, calm heart and lots of spunk to make up for all that depression from fretting over the A.

It'll come. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Be patient.

Hugz,
L.

Thanks Orchid!

My appointment with my lawyer was postponed. I won't see her until Friday. I'm just looking for information for the time being. I have questions about child custody and ownership of our house in the case of D. Perhaps this will give me some security.

I have discovered some true friends in unsuspected places, Orchid. That has been a blessing. Others have been a disappointment.

Praying for patience, a clear mind, and a calm heart...
Thanks for the cyber hugz, they help. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I had a long counseltation with my lawyer yesterday. An hour and a half ... and you know what? She is not even charging me for this! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> I certainly have discovered that I have some very good, supportive friends through this all.

Her H had an A 15 years ago, and they recovered and have a very good M now.

There are no financial advantages to a D now rather than later. It is important for me to sit tight in the house with the kids. Then there is no way that WH can take the house away from me.

I told my lawyer about plan b ... that I had cut off all contact with WH because it was just too painful to continue in that triangle and that I told WH I would be willing to do whatever it takes to rebuild a better M than ever before and that he was welcome back home once he had cut off a contact to Skunkypoo and was willing to do the same.

My lawyer thought that plan B was a good idea, because H has to live with the consequences of a very poor choice.

He has choosen to continue contact with Skunkypoo over daily life with a faithful, loving wife and 2 gorgeous daughters in the nice house that we built. That choice has caused him to loose his two closest friends as well as the respect of the community. Stupid, stupid man.

Reminds me of something my father always said,"Life is made up of choices. You usually get to choose between a bag of cherries or a bag of chit. Some people choose the chit every time."

Meanwhile, I am left with the cherries. I have my children with me. I live in a gorgeous house with a garden. I am surrounded by loving, supportive friends. I am not doing a very good job of enjoying that enough. I need to accept that WH has chosen the bag of chit and is too stubborn or stupid to get rid of it and take the bag of cherries instead.

Don't forget to spit out the pits. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

All the best,
L.

ja, ja...
better pits than chits <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

I have been keeping very busy and have kept dark since going into Plan B. I've still had problems obsessing about WH and the future of my children and myself.

I've been working very hard on this these last days. Reading, meditation, and prayer. Slowly but surely I am succeeding more at detaching, letting go, and accepting. My mind and heart are coming closer.

WH leaves for India on Saturday. D10 and D17 have a week off school from Wednesday on, so the three of us will leave for a short vacation Tuesday evening. WH will be gone for 3 weeks studying his navel at an Ayurveda retreat. My goal during that time is to get myself in sync so that I am strong for the Christmas holidays. I've ordered two books from Melody Beattie that faithful follower recommended. After the holidays I'll have my next appointment with SH. At that point we will assess whether or not I should continue Plan B ... or if I should go ahead with a D.

I am starting to feel better and safer in this plan B. I am starting to realize this is the best place for me and my daughters to be right now. Thoughts of a D are frightening right now ... especially thinking of uprooting D10 and of course, all the financial implications. But WH isn't making any moves towards that direction, so I don't need to think about it unless I am ready and that is what I want.

Enjoy your vacation, LT. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Hi LT,

quote:-----------------------------------------------------
I am starting to feel better and safer in this plan B. I am starting to realize this is the best place for me and my daughters to be right now. Thoughts of a D are frightening right now ...
-----------------------------------------------------------

That's it, LT, go at your pace.

Inspite of its challenges, I find PLAN B to be a very good 'protective' tool from WH.

Enjoy your vacation!

Well my vacation was good and for four days, I thought very little about Prince Charming... a miraculous break from obsessing.

I've read the Codepency No More book from Melody Beatty. Interesting and there are helpful suggestions and exercises in there. Befor WH's A, I was a self-confident, cheerful woman with a lot to give, but also one that was not afraid to express my needs and boundaries. I was in denial of the A for so long, it just chipped away at my self esteem, constantly, steadily, until I felt like I was walking on egg shells 24/7 and deserved the thoughtless and downright mean and degrading treatment I was getting from Prince Charming. Looking back now I can not believe that I let that happen to myself and to my children. I did the best Plan A I could . It included some self improvement, but honestly, it was more just recovering the well-balanced sane, productive, good person I was pre-A. Though I thought I saw glimpses of my H returning now and then, he eventually slipped off into the fog full gale, or perhaps I was just able to see it more clearly.

Now in a totally dark Plan B, I am still vacillating between the anger, bargaining, depression stages of grief. I have days where I feel acceptance, but they aren't consecutive. I am working on getting my heart and mind in sync.

I realized today, that instead of having a normal, healthy set of short-term and long-term goals, saving my M has become my one and only goal. And guess what? It takes two! It is not possible to do alone, so why worry and fret about what else I can do or try or improve to save it?

I can set goals for myself in other areas of my life, though. I've re-established my boundaries. Now it is time to set some new goals.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Welcome back from your vacation. U maybe closer to being in sync than you realize.

Breaking the habit of settling for the WS vs your H is hard. Necessary but hard. Once you do, it will get better....for you. WS are deadly even to themselves so it is not hard to understand why they betray all those around them.

take care,
L.

Orchid,

I know I don't want WH back. My vision has become clearer and I realize that the man he has become is avile substitute for the man he once was.

Still, there is part of me that still hope that miraculously a remorseful H will reappear at my doorstep ready to do what it takes to help us both heal, recover, and build our marriage into something better than it ever was before.

Then there is part of me that he has shown absolutely no signs of doing this whatsoever. Why do I continue to cling to this hope when there are no grounds for it?

Maybe Prince Charming is simply no longer the man I believed him to be. Maybe he never was.

I know in my head that I am not in such a bad condition. The girls and I still live in our home, surrounded by a fairly supportive, if frustratingly neutral, family of ILs. WH is staying out of my life and I am no longer confronted with his grossly disrespectful treatment of me face to face. He is not putting us in financial straits. WH is no longer exposing our children to Skunkypoo. I have a few pretty incredible womenfriends and I have you people here. I continue contact with our mutual couple friends and have started hosting dinner parties again -- a bit awkward solo at first, but D10 and D17 have enthusiastically jumped in to fulfill Prince Charming's usual tasks.

Maybe H will never miss me. He continues to work with and sneak around secretively with Skunkypoo. SIL does all his laundry and cleaning. (It appears that a man in this region of the world is entitled to have a female member of the family act as an on-call unpaid maid.) I can not bring myself to stop doing my part caring for MIL --- she was always there for me and my children. Always. Despite her dementia she remains so sweet and I adore her. So, I think that WH may not be missing so much.

He might miss SF --- his need is high, and unless Skunkypoo is hiding under his desk at work, I suspect he's getting SF 1x per week max. He might miss the comforts of our home. He might miss my cooking. He might miss our friends --- he's pretty isolated (not much contact with anyone outside Skunkypoo, MIL, SIL, and our children). ... But then again, this my be his lifestyle of choice.

For me Plan B is transitional phase only. If a move towards M recovery is not made on his part, I will will eventually want a D and a move from the IL neighborhood. It is hard for me to find acceptance and peace in the moment. I spend too much time hoping or worrying about the future.

LT,

quote:--------------------------------------------------
....Then there is part of me that he has shown absolutely no signs of doing this whatsoever. Why do I continue to cling to this hope when there are no grounds for it?
-------------------------------------------------------

I ask myself that same question sometimes.

But as you know, the answer is that 'miracles' have been known to happen around here and complete 'turnarounds' have happened. WS have been known to come out of the 'fog', or NOT.

I see PLAN B as a last chance for WS to 'live' out their choices, while a BS is still 'willing' to keep the door open just in case - for how long?...it depends on BS.

In the meantime, I see PLAN B also as a way of protecting myself from WS/OW and from entering too quickly into another relationship (because at this point, anyone can 'look good' compared to treatement received by WS!)

But, I hear you, LT: "I spend too much time hoping or worrying about the future".

Hang in there, LT.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{LT}}}}}}}}}}}}

luna,

thanks as always for checking in on me, my friend!

Here is the latest update:

MIL did not fare well during my and my children's absence. SIL is a bit on the dry, impatient side, but perhaps it is more difficult when it is your own mother slipping into the neverlands of dementia.

In any case, it has fallen upon me to manage the medical and dietary side of MIL's care. Upon my return from vacation, MIL had dropped into depression and was suffering from abdominal pain. I went the rounds from the GP to the internal doc to a radioloigist and it has been determined that a laproscopic surgery for gall stones is nescessary.

WH called the children from India and learned through them that this was planned. I'm sure that he called SIL to get more details. SIL is so grateful that I manage all this...she's fine with my children, but gets real terse with her own mother and strangely is unable to assert her mother's best interests when it comes to medical needs. WH knows this and I bet this is giving him a guilt trip on his sojourn in India. But guilt is short-lived for WSs; fun is the primary focus.

In any case, I will take MIL to the surgeon's tomorrow. We will discuss all of her test results and likely set a date for surgery. I'll try to set it for next week when I will have time to stay with her during the day at the hospital. I have to teach this week. I can do my work next week on my laptop and accompaniment from a family member will keep her from becoming too disoriented.

I wasn't able to have surgery scheduled for MIL until December 5th. WH will be back from India by then. Maybe I should delegate all the pre-OP appointments to him. A visit each to the internist, anesthesiologist, gastrologist, and radiologist will take up two half days.