LT,

I am sorry to hear about your MIL.

You seem to be very involved in the 'caretaking' of her and obviously care a lot about her wellbeing.


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I wasn't able to have surgery scheduled for MIL until December 5th. WH will be back from India by then. Maybe I should delegate all the pre-OP appointments to him. A visit each to the internist, anesthesiologist, gastrologist, and radiologist will take up two half days.
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Yes...you should delegate, if you're asking!

It seems to me you have done quite a bit already.....so, letting WH take over when he comes back sounds like a good idea to me!

Take care, LT.

Yes, Lunamare, I was asking. I make a list of the appointments I have made for MIL and leave that with WH's post. I think he returns from India on the 22nd.

I read this last night in "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beatty:

Detachment November 30

One day, my son brought a gerbil home to live with us. We put it in a cage. Some time later, the gerbil escaped. For the next six months, the animal ran frightened and wild through the house. So did we - chasing it.
"There it is. Get it!" we'd scream, each time someone spotted the gerbil. I, or my son, would throw down whatever we were working on, race across the house, and lunge at the animal hoping to catch it.
I worried about it, even when we didn't see it. "This isn't right," I'd think. "I can't have a gerbil running losse in the house. We've got to catch it. We've got to do something."
An animal, the size of a mouse had the entired household in a tizzy.
One day, while sitting in the living room, I watched the animal scurry across the hallway. In a frenzy, I started to lunge at it, as I usually did, then I stopped myself.
No, I saide. I'm all done. If that animal wants to live in the nooks and crannies of this house, I'm going to let it. I'm done worrying about it. I'm done chasing it. It's an irregular circumstance, but that's just the way it's going to have to be.
I let the gerbil run past without reacting. I felt slightly uncomfortable with my new reaction - not reacting - but I stuck to it anyway.
I got more comfortable with my new reaction - not reacting. Before long, I became downright peaceful with the situation. I had stopped fighting the gerbil. One afternoon, only weeks after I started practicing my new attitude, the gerbil ran by me, as it had so many times, and I barely glanced at it. The animal stopped in its tracks, turned around, and looked at me. I started to lunge at it. It started to run away. I relaxed.
"Fine," I said. "Do what you want." And I meant it.
One hour later, the gerbil came and stood by me, and waited. I gently picked it up and placed it in its cage, where it has lived happily ever after since. The moral of the story? DON'T LUNGE AT THE GERBIL. He's already frightened, and chasing him just scares him more and makes us crazy.
Detachment works.

TODAY, I WILL BE COMFORTABLE WITH MY NEW REACTION - NOT REACTING. I WILL BE AT PEACE.

Hey - I LOVE it!

What a great way to start the day, reading something like that.

Thanks, LT.

Alph.

Thanks LT for sharing.

I am reading her book: Codependent no more. I really like it. I am really picking up a lot of things from this lady & book.

I think she's getting through to me about not letting your emotions decide how you act/react. Emotions only need to be recognized and validated, that's all! They are terrible at decision-making - otherwise, we would be 'killing' somebody every two minutes if emotions had their way! Lovebusting right and left! Not good!

Emotions want to be recognized, the energy needs to be let loose (punching pillows/writing a letter never meant to be read/etc. would probably be effective and no LBs), then, our heads, based on experience and some maturity need to decide how to best handle situations! Lovebusting? You may get temporary short-term relief, but does a lot of damage long-term, on top of not being happy with ourselves. The 'head' only, in a calm environment, can take into account the long-term effect and take better decisions.

See, for a long time I think most of the times I ignored my emotions (which are the only ones I really can and should 'deal' with and be responsible for) but rather tried to deal with 'others' emotions, which are really not up to me to deal with and not my responsibility.

I guess, the 'never late to learn' would apply here, because can't go back in time (unfortunately!)

How are you doing, LT?

Hugs.

Actually, I am doing pretty good. This is always the busiest time of the year for me. I just returned from a weekend conference in northern Italy. It was really interesting and I saw several colleagues I don't get to see that often --- just email communication usually -- so that was nice.
I am also beginning to detach and the frog prince no longer consumes my thoughts constantly.

I've been doing the ol' act like you are doing great and feeling in sync and slowly but surely it is feeling like that more often.

Saturday evening I went out to dinner at a fantastic restaurant with several colleagues. The conversation was lively and I had such a great time. When I got back to my hotel room, I realized that I did not think of the frog prince all day and I thought, "Well, no reason to start thinking about him now!" So I didn't. Can you believe it? What a great feeling to stop obsessing. It's been a bit easier to do with WH so far away and not with OW either. Once he gets back, I think I'll be pretty squared away and will be able to continue in this mode.

LT,

Glad to hear you're doing good.

Things seem to be going as 'planned'.

I'm two months into Plan B now. WH has been at a retreat in India for a little over two weeks. He is expected back by the middle of next week.

These last two weeks have brought me to a much better place. I am calmer. I feel that I have finally been able to detach emotionally. My energy and productivity are returning. I am becoming increasingly successful at not obsessing about WH. I don't want the M at all costs any more. I would rather make my way on my own that suffer continued desrespect and rejection.

At this point I am truly unwilling to even talk to my WH until he can prove that there is NC with OP. I'll need varification from a third party that they no longer work together and I will need to see and be able to send a NC letter from the frog prince to skunkypoo.

I've promised SH to not make any moves towards a D until I have first spoken with him again at the beginning of January. If the frog prince has still taken no action to get rid of skunkypoo or reconcile our M before then, I don't really see any reason to contine with Plan B. I'll be ready to move on. D17 graduates in the spring and her adult life will begin. Summer would be a good time to relocate.

Exactly how I feel now. As you probably know, I never did make it into an 'official' Plan B, but I have been out of contact for over two months. It's done me a power of good, just keeping away from affair mess and chaos.

Now I've filed, there are a whole new set of challenges. I realise I will have to come out of NC eventually to discuss the settlement, but soon I will be strong enough to do that. I can't (and don't really want) to ignore STBX forever. Not that I want to be his friend either, but I want decent and respectful communication between us regarding the kids.

I think you are doing fine - you've always seemed pretty strong anyway. It is such a relief to stop wanting the marriage at all costs, isn't it?

Take care.

Alph.

Hi LT,

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I don't want the M at all costs any more. I would rather make my way on my own that suffer continued desrespect and rejection.
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.....part of the process. You're doing good.

HUGS.

My daughter's just told me that WH called this last weekend while I was away. Evidently he is returning from India a bit earlier than originally planned. Instead of next Tuesday, he will arrive sometime this weekend ... exact time and date unknown.

I am feeling a bit anxious. Part of me is hoping that he has had some kind of epiphany in India and will come back ready to terminate all contact with Skunkypoo and devote himself to healing and growing our marriage. The other part (the biggest part) knows that this is unrealistic.

I will do my best to ignore his return and I will certainly not be the one to break my dark Plan B mode...

LT,

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I will do my best to ignore his return and I will certainly not be the one to break my dark Plan B mode...
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You're dealing with a WS. Best not to 'expect' anything, until further notice.

That's what I like the most about the PBL, it clearly states what needs to happen should S want their family back.

The WH and H need to 'battle' it out and we cannot be involved, and PLAN B helps us stay out of it!

Feeling anxious about his return? I would be too.

HUGS.

WH will be returning home this weekend and living at MIL's next door again. The air has been so clean and free of WS pollution the last 3 weeks. It has been a wonderful break. For his return, I have established some new boundaries for myself:

1. I am no longer going to go snooping in WH's room nest door looking for clues or signs.
2. I am no longer going to do WH's laundry. SIL seems so eager to do it... WH is "entitled" as a male to have a female family member do all his laudry and ironing. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Whatever... not my concern.


I have been putting in thoughts about MIL. I had made up a list of her upcoming per-operative examinations and put together all the paperwork and lab results thus far. i had planned on delgating this to WH, but I think that he would just pass it on to SIL and she was already the one to ask me to take care of this. SIL says that I am the best one to do this, and actually I am. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> No one else would be able to hold her hand and soothe her through a gastroscopy. No one else is able to communicate with the medical personell as well and defend MIL's best interests and comfort. MIL was always there for me. I love her like my own mother and she has always treated me like her own daughter. SIL is always there for my children. She is the one that usually looks after D10 when I must work outside my home office or attend a conference. She simply is not cut out for soothing her mother in difficult situations. For these reasons, I have decided not to delegate what has been up until now my part of nursing MIL. Maybe this is not so Plan B, but it is what feels right to me.

LT,

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I have decided not to delegate what has been up until now my part of nursing MIL. Maybe this is not so Plan B, but it is what feels right to me.
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What's essential to PLAN B is N/C with WS.

I think for you, your MIL is like a 'dependant' and you want to be there for her as you would for one of your children. Besides, it sounds like your MIL would fall under the responsibility of your SIL, and she is 'there' for you and your children.

I don't think I would put your MIL's health in jeopardy either because of your WS's lack of sense of responsibility towards her!

Whenever I am in doubt, I ask myself the question: if you do this (or that), will you be able to look at yourself in the mirror in the morning?

Thanks Luna!

I'm just coasting here... no news is good news.

There is not really much to update. My dark plan B continues uninterrupted. WH is back from India and living at MIL's next door. There are still no new contact attempts on his part.

I am slowly, but surely detatching. I am beginning to accept that my H may never return. He has always been stubborn and had difficulties admitting he made a mistake. Only once in our entire marriage has he even said he was sorry for something. Add the self justified fog of WS thinking and there is not a lot of hope.

On the other side, WH has not done anything to file for a D. He is still keeping up with the financial agreement we made. OW still lives with her H. OWH says that they have agreed on an open R for their children's sake. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

A good friend of mine (male) married two years ago and I have since become very close friends with his wife. My WH and I have done things together with them in the past. The woman, let's call her Cindy, went through an ugly divorce from her WS. She has two children, 14 and 16. Although Cindy loves her new H dearly and they both adore one another, Cindy and her two daughters have never totally recovered from the wake of destruction left by WS.

Cindy and her husband invited Prince Charming over for dinner. After dinner, Cindy's husband left the room to take care of some work. Cindy lit a candle and began to talk to Prince Charming about her experience as a FBS and divorcee. She talked gently with Prince Charming about his own situation.

Cindy told me that Prince Charming definitely does not want a D. He wants to work on our M, and he realizes he needs to end all contact forever with Skunkypoo. He is having difficulty doing this. He doen't want to transfer Skunkypoo to another bank, because he feels like he would be abusing his power and he doesn't see why she should "have to suffer" so he can save his M. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> He claims to be looking for other employment himself as he sees this as a better solution ... he would rather not work in the same company with Skunkypoo at all. Another thing he said is that he doesn't know how to recover his feelings for me, he doen't know the way back. Cindy told him that was very easy. The first step he knows: end all contact with OW, then you need to win back your W ... you will have to court her all over again. You will have to start your R all over again, beause neither of you will ever want or be able to go back to what you had before.... but I am 100% certain it will be better than you eve3r dreamed or hoped possible.


How am I feeling? Still frustrated. It would be soooo easy for WH to transfer Skunkypoo and she would get a similar or better poistion in a branch that is closer to her home. That doesn't sound like suffering to me.

What about all the suffering that my girls and I have endured and continue to endure? What about his responsibility for providing a safe and secure environment for me, our family, and our marriage to heal? He's already claimed to have been looking for another job for the past year (no proof, though, just WS words). Part of me want to set an ultimatum ... Cindy thinks that might scare him off. Cindy also said that contrary to what he has been showing, he is suffering during this dark Plan B. He complained about not being able to see me or communcate with me. She said that this is a normal thing ... as long as you continue to have contact with OW your wife needs to protect herself from further pain and suffering ... she has already endured more than anyone should have to bear.

Well, I have promised SH to sit tight until we have our next counseltation in January. I'm nearly at the three month mark for Plan B. From what I have read, this is when the BS will often begin to make contact attempts. Christmas looms ahead and all the wonderful memories of our past celebrations, our family traditions ... I wonder does this not have the power to touch the WS?

{{{LT}}}

Sometimes I just want to reach through cyberspace and give a WS a good wake-up slapping!!!

Your Prince is so close to happiness and redemption, but he won't take that final step towards it.

I tend to agree with your friend about the utlimatum - he already knows what he has to do.

I, like you, am hoping that Christmas is a sharp wake-up call for my WH. I have filed for D, it's true, and it would take a lot for me to step back from that process, but I'm willing to talk about it if he ends the A. He knows this.

It's good to know that Plan B is making your WS suffer a little, though, eh? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Take care.

Alph.

LT,

Let Cindy's words trickle down in the coldstone heart of the WS. If he is bs'ing her (Cindy), you will know and that itself can help you move forward. If he isn't you s/b seeing something in while (c/b days, weeks or months). WS' are scaridy cat creatures, very slow on the uptake.

Here's what you can use to your advantage. Knowing they are slow, hone up on your reverse babble techniques. The more off balanced the WS becomes the greater the chance your H has of escaping from the clutches of the A.

In the meantime, enjoy your family and take care of you.

Hugz,
L.

Thanks, Alphin and Orchid!

Patience is not my virtue ... I want Skunkypoo out of our lives yesterday not tomorrow, not next month...

Still there are other things the frog prince said to Cindy that were not so encouraging ... like his unwillingness to talk to SH or do any kind of MC again.

He's not ready for reconciliation yet...

I think that even after NC is established, it will take some time before he is truly remorseful and ready to make amends...

My list of requirements before I take him back is long.

As far as reverse babble goes, I think that you'd be proud of my progress there Orchid. It took practice and detatchment. I was too emotional, too angry, at the beginning and my attempts at reverse babble sounded snide and judgmental. I'll keep practicing until this will work like duck feathers repelling water.


Alphin,
You are so right I have done and said everything. I did a good Plan A. My Plan B letter is also good, was approved by SH after he spoke with the frog, and the letter shows a clear path home.


I am keeping very, very busy, but I still feel like I am waiting, waiting, waiting.