I cannot stand the day to day mixed feelings. One day I think I'm going to forgive him and go on because he is "soooo sorry." The next day I am resenting him all over again, and I will not talk to him. And then I feel he is playing head games with me, so I avoid him, and won't listen to a word he says, and then I walk away. Then when he is talking to me with kindness,I feel he is just "killing me with kindness", and not really honest about his kindness. Then in between all that, I am trying to keep my mind on "good thoughts".

It's been 2 1/2 wks since my husband cheated on me with, of all people a prostitute!

I feel lost inside my feelings now, not knowing what ones are real or not. Not knowing if my H is real or not. I hate what I feel and just want to feel stable inside again.

Lady

We are having a twin life! You said it perfectly. Day to day and all day thru my feelings go back and forth with what is real and do I owe him forgiveness (and another chance to deceive me with the NEXT thing he's just forced to do to save his sorry *ss.)

And I so hate looking at D # 4. My feelings of failure, to see the lies beforehand, to make a good decision, to choose thoughtfully, to finally fit in with all the marrieds, overwhelm me.

I agree that being in the same room just fills me with hate and then I hate myself for being trapped that way. Hate will eat at me, not HIM.

Same for you. Maybe a little break would do you some good? Can you take yourself to a movie or something that would lighten your day just a little? Thinking of it 24/7 has got to be bad for us. I'm going to see my mom today and return her dog (I was dog sitting) and try to just think of something else for a few hours.

We'll still have the same troubled thoughts tomorrow anyway.

Take care, OPO

Yes, it seems we are having a twin life!! After I started this thread I thought, I should probably write this very thing to H also, and I did. After he had read it, he said "thankyou for the letter, I will pray for you." He then sat on the bed head down as if to be full of shame, making sure, of course, that I saw him looking like that. I didn't react to his shameful "act", or "non-act."

I then went grocery shopping for a few hours, and did a lot of cooking yesterday. You are right OPO, I need to come out of "this funk." I am so tired of feeling oppressed, and I don't want my children feeling an oppressive environment.

I started reading some on Plan A today, and I think I will start with baby steps to begin that for the sanity of me and my children. I know plan A is to help keep you up and end an A, even though I don't think he's continuing because it was with a wh____. I used to be such a bubbly happy person, and I want that again for myself and children. So it going to be "all about me and the children" from now on.

I stopped tanning, today I am starting again.

Today I have to take H to appointment to the city he did his "nasties" in, yay!! I made that a condition of staying, that I would drive him to appointments when they are in that city, because that city is a "trigger" for him of his "old ways." He says it was horrible out there this time, but was it really that horrible for him? It could be more horrible for him without us! He lost his prior wife and daughter for the very same reason. I called his XW when he was in the hospital, because his DD had visited him there not knowing everything. He told her "well you know how dad has depression." I felt it was necessary for her mom to know the "whole story". When I told her she said "Well I guess it's bound to happen, he did it to me too." I felt it was her decision to tell D or not, she said doesn't keep anything from her D. I felt it was important because she has had court ordered supervised visits for H and DD for years, and never changed the order. But over the past few years she has let my H take DD to dinner and things like that without supervision, so it will be her decision on how visits will go now. I did not tell my H I made the phone call to XW. Do you think I should tell him I told her?

OPO, I think everything will get better if we try to get better. I don't have high expectations that H will get better anytime soon, but I have come to the realization that I can be happy inspite of it all. I just hope I stay with this feeling and mindset now.... and I hope you have a great day! Thanks for being there for me. :-)

Love, Lady

Hi Lady,

So your H has done the same thing before with 1st W? Did he ever tell her what "triggered" it to happen in the first place? I'm just curious if she may hold a piece of the puzzle as to why or when the H feels compelled to do that.

It was SOOOO risky. To his health and yours! It comes across to me as a very defiant act. It certainly wasn't because he felt so close to her, as happens in EA's and other SA's. So for me, other than hosing him off with a fire hose and dragging him to the clinic for a series of blood tests, I'd actually get over the cheating part with most of my self esteem intact.

It does a number on you if it was deliberate, calculated and well planned as was mine. I look back and now see the areas he hid from me early on in the beginning when things were great with us (or so I thought). He was preparing for my retaliation effort from day one. Now tell me, isn't that just plain evil?

I think you've got a great attitude through this. Prayer helps to give us strength to keep trying, forward movements (doctor visits and MC) helps to give direction for change, and our soul prompts us to take care of our families first. Looks like you have all the ingredients for returning to your bubbly self! And YOU never had to spend $ 110. for a shrink!!!

PS- I love tanning too. For just a few minutes you can feel like you're away on a tropical beach and just relax. Well, that's how it works for me.

Have a great day Lady, I'll talk to you after work. OPO

I have exposed my H waywardness almost immediately because I had to let his brother and sister know he was in the hospital, so I told them the whole story. My BIL told me
that I will know what to do in the months to come, very supportive. SIL told me to hang in there. I just happened to run into H past spiritual mentor at a city event and I told him, he prayed. H also has a case manager that he has had for years, a therapist, and psych that he revealed his doings too. The case manager feels if we want to keep this marriage together, we should get MC. My daughter who is 20 wants us to come live with her, and it is far, far away from here. I cannot do that unless custody plans are put in place in court. I can't kidnap my own son and take him away. She told me my sister told her that her first impression of my H, whom she met 3 yrs ago on a visit here, was "FAKE." I was surprised my sister told her that. My sister never told me she felt my H was a Fake. I guess my BIL is right, I will know in the months to come.

I'm telling you, I have went through so much my whole life!
Abused when a child, to alcoholism starting in my teens, and some drugs use back then. I have been freed from that stuff for 13 yrs, thank God and Jesus!! It's just something I never think about doing! No matter how big the problem is I don't think of turning to a drug or a drink.
My daughter has grown so much and I am so proud of her.
She told me "Mom you haven't had a break in 7 yrs."
She had a problem with drugs during teen years, I remember when she was 15 and posting missing posters all over the same city my H ended up in. So I was looking up and down the same streets for my DD back then as I did my H 2 1/2 wks ago. That town is so bad that police officers would tell us to get out of some parts because killings and such had been happening there. Okay, these are places I was looking for my child and H in! My DD thank God has been freed for the past 2 yrs. My S who is 15 is now in treatment for drugs (pot use). And now my H falls right on his face causing us more pain. He was supposed to be an "example."
I thought when I recovered from it all, my children would never turn to it, they were little when I got recovery.

Why did my family have these problems, parents too? Yes it goes way back. Husbands family too. His F died of cirosis of the liver. Why did my family have so many problems with addictions! And then I ended up with a H who does, I thought we had something in common recovery, and God. We met at a support group. Went to church together. It was fun and exciting to be with him back then. My H used to be a drug and alcohol counselor too. He can't be that again because he fell to many times and his brain has been so messed up.
Not to mention the "prescription drugs" he is still on!!!
I believe the "addict" in him Dr. shopped until he got those ones!! He knows, that when a few meds are mixed they will cause an intoxification effect. I told his therapist 2 months ago, privately of course, without his knowing, that my H looked as if he was intoxicated 3-4 times a wk, and that he wasn't drinking or anything. I couldn't understand why he was looking that way??? Now we all know why!! Well, he will be with a new Dr. soon, and he won't get those meds anymore.

I am so sick of having to talk about drugs, alcohol, and recovery from them all. It's the topic of the family all the time! I cannot stand to see anyone addicted to anything!! Drugs and alcohol are the most destructive thing anyone can put thier mouth too! I have spent the last 13 yrs, trying to keep recovery and faith in my family, and I'm tired. Me and my DD have won the fight so far, hoping the same for S, don't know if H ever will.

Love, Lady

By OPO:
"So your H has done the same thing before with 1st W? Did he ever tell her what "triggered" it to happen in the first place? I'm just curious if she may hold a piece of the puzzle as to why or when the H feels compelled to do that.

It was SOOOO risky. To his health and yours! It comes across to me as a very defiant act."

His excuse at first was he felt ashamed of himself as a father and husband because he wasn't doing his part. NO, he wasn't doing his part, but that wasn't it. The real truth is, is that he was angry, so yes it was a defiant act, as I believe it was with ex's too. He has since admitted it was a defiant act, out of anger. If he doesn't get his way, and full attention for the day, (attention seeking behavior). We were not making love because of my female problems, I am needing surgery, and for some odd reason I wasn't trusting him, so I wasn't giving myself fully to him, he was becoming so different. And yes, he did plan it. He told me he took a condom out of drawer the morning before his appointments, and planned to find it after his appointments that day. So it's not something he did on the spur of the moment. It is the way he did that annoys me the most. I don't think he was thinking of drug use, it just comes hand in hand when he began the sex, then boom he was in it all!!

By OPO:
"It was SOOOO risky. To his health and yours! It comes across to me as a very defiant act. It certainly wasn't because he felt so close to her, as happens in EA's and other SA's. So for me, other than hosing him off with a fire hose and dragging him to the clinic for a series of blood tests, I'd actually get over the cheating part with most of my self esteem intact."

Yes, very dangerous, he has to have all STD tests done no matter if I ever make love to him again or not! He had tests done, that I haven't seen as of yet, done the night he went to the hospital. I think that was a little to soon to tell anyway, just hrs after. The clinic will probably do ALL tests. Okay, can I ever trust that it won't happen again??? I don't know about that???

Yes, I believe I can keep my eesteem in tact for the most part, but like I said in earlier post, I'm tired, and he's moping. He's definitely not fun to be around, actually pretty depressing, so I have to avoid him most of the day, as to not bring myself, and children down. I will not discuss the event again with him, only because it's so piggish and disgusting to me to even think about. It's been talked about a few times between us, and don't think it's something I need to keep my mind on, because it would only cause a stronghold. The children are my priority, and they don't need me depressed. This has also caused the children to unbond with him to an extent, he's so weirded out. He has maybe 3 short conversations with our 3 yr old a day, no quality time or quantity time with him. He has to think about "himself" as usual, even though so many have depended on him for love, making us feel secure and safe, teaching, guidance of the good things in life, all the things parents are supposed to be and do etc... so they need me all the more. The sad thing is, is that I can't be a mother and father both to them, and I'm tired, but I'm not depressed and moping, thank God! I will be keeping busy!

Love, Lady

Hi LS,

I had a great day at work. I rarely thought about you-know-who.

I'm relieved to hear about the condom though, for your sake. My son's father cheated and brought home something permanent and that's how I found out about his little 1 nite stand. I managed to stay married & forgive that one but then the drinking & slapping around started and it was time to get out. Some things just can't be saved.

It still affects me today, as I have to reveal this very private detail BEFORE any real intimacy develops in new relationships. My Christian counselor says I have to put a stop to this inner voice in me that says "you are damaged goods." Maybe so...

I can guess the mood in your home is pretty tense, no wonder you're tired and fighting off depression. Do you ever just seethe in anger that THIS DIDN'T HAVE TO HAPPEN!? IT WAS PREVENTABLE! I do. It's probably the pent up anger that makes us so tired, don't you think?

I read somewhere that when a person is "stuck" in anger that it floods your system with cortisol, tightens all your muscles, and constricts your blood vessels making the heart work harder. Shoot, I'm so wore out from being P*ssed off I could be dead and not know it!

You go on tanning or do something for you every now and then. Even supermom needs a chance to recharge. I'll bet Plan A has got to be EXTRA hard when you go 'round a 2nd time! I've put you on my prayer list at church and I hope it helps give you strength for recovery (again).

Love, OPO

Hi OPO,
Yes we are damaged goods, but repairable I believe, not broken forever!! I'm sorry to hear what your sons father did to you, that must have been horrible! Pau D Arco herb is great OPO, look it up on "search". That can be healed. My H had Hepatitis C which isn't contract by sex, but blood from many years ago. He has been healed of it miraculously, and I believe the Pau D Arco did it. His MD's were amazed and have never seen someone healed of that before! It gets rid of many viruses, seriously. It's so inexpensive. Just a few bucks, and your healed!! What God made is good! If you find some near you, let me know, and I'll let you know how to fix it up into a tea. It's so easy.

By OPO:
"Do you ever just seethe in anger that THIS DIDN'T HAVE TO HAPPEN!? IT WAS PREVENTABLE!"

Yes, I have said that more times than one ANGRILY!! I am just tired because I have so much on my plate daily, and as I mentioned earlier I have had 7 yrs of this. I think it's time for "the Jubilee!" for us or something huge and wonderful to happen in our lives, but even the small wonders I see each day, I'm thankful for. Things aren't too tense and I don't get as angry as I used too, thank God! I think I have been somewhat empowered by the fact that I am not totally freaking out, having a nervous breakdown over here. I wouldn't want any "triggers" going off, so I am careful where I tread. H had a mean look about himself all day today, a total countenance change. I told him I felt his infidelity was like burning a building down, and he said it could be rebuilt. And I told him not to skip any of the steps. Assessing the damage needs to be done first before rebuilding takes place, "if" it ever does. (Something I read here on MB somewhere, and so true). He figures God forgave him, go on, forgive him, and get over it. Not that easy, but it would be easier for "him" if it were that way. Today, I reminded him of the lady at church I told a few weeks ago, she really liked my H. I reminded him of her angry look when I told her. I don't know if that was "mean" of me or not, but oh well. I guess I don't want him to forget what he did, as much as he wants to forget it. We have decided on MC, it will be by Pastorial/Clergy. Thankyou so much for putting us on the prayer list.

Love, Lady

Good morning LS,

I sure admire you for the way you are handling this. I kindof had a nervous breakdown of sorts when it was all exposed and I learned that this cruelty was all about keeping access to stolen money.

H actually said "But I needed something for ME to feel good about". Geeeeeeee, I certainly understand how traumatic it must have been to: Freely steal $ from someone-
Have your spouse BLACKMAIL you because of it- And then live with the constant threats of I'm going to tell the kids about it! I think that's a pretty good recipe for a couple of heart attacks.

I keep asking H, if just 1 was fatal, he'd have left ALL the lies for me to find when I went to his funeral. Can you just picture the TWO wives left behind to sort thru the mess? Remember, She was on the house deed YEARS after the D, so I would "inherit" 1/2, and SHE'D still have her 1/2. Just got her name off with yet another expensive attorney.

Thanks for the tip on the other, to help with (virus). I'll check it out. I'm not normally bothered by it nowadays as it runs out of steam sortof as the years go by but you never know.

My S has Hep C. People with Hepatitis C have to be very careful of their liver, this includes meds AND alcohol, so pass that little tidbit to your H.

you said - "he said it could be rebuilt. And I told him not to skip any of the steps. Assessing the damage needs to be done first before rebuilding takes place, "if" it ever does." I totally agree. This is not kindergarden where we are all 5 and we get a DO OVER like nothing ever happened.

How is it that the spouse that does the wrong also expects to be allowed to determine the length of the "sentence" and the appropriate "punishment"? I figure I'm thru being angry when I DECIDE TO BE. Don't like the cold shoulder?, then DON'T BE A SELFISH LYING JERK!

How's THAT for a thought for the day?

Love, OPO <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I completely agree. My wife has cheated on me with an online guy a thousand miles away. Today I read a log of him commanding her to do stuff in front of the web cam. Yet she will only have sex with me about once a year, but in front of a webcam with a complete stranger she can do it two days in a row... I"ve never had that from her, since the day we got married.

I feel like I'm betraying her for wanting a divorce. I'm going to talk to a counselor on Thursday, but I"m pretty much convinced that I"m going to at the very least ask her to move out, and for a divorce.

It's going to be costly, but I can't take the mixed emotions anymore. On a day to day basis it's a "she loves me" "she loves me not" feeling. I confronted her about the affairs a year ago, and she promised she would never do it again, and I told her there would be severe consequences if she did. Well, Not only did she not stop talking to the guy on the phone and in chat, but she performing web acts for him.

She wrote in her messenger "I sent you something special to cheer you up and make your day special in your email." "I want you to view it as soon as you can. "

Am I giving up too soon. Should I be focusing on trying to save my marriage instead of thinking I can find someone that actually loves me and I can care for?

One minute I feel like I should confront her and try to forgive her again. The next minute, I want to help her pack and move out as soon as possible.

What's your vote? Should I ask her to pack up and leave when she finds a place to live, or do I stick out and convince her to go to counseling with me?

I'm leaning towards, her taking advantage of me is over. She needs to fend for herself, without me. She did this to herself...

I don't know. I feel like that's so mean, but so it's sticking a blade repeatedly in my heart.

Good morning whitewolf,
I'm sorry to hear of your situation with your wife. I know it's heartbreaking, and the feelings are overwhelming. D-day for me was 1 month ago. My H went with a prostitute.
The first thing I made a decision to do, and that was not to make a decision to quickly, with my feelings so messed up. I am now at the decision to emotionally detach from him.



Wow, did you confront her with what you found? What does she have to say for herself?



I hear you, that is exactly what I said to my H the other day "?he loves me?" "?he loves me not?". The thing that is the most concerning is that you did tell your W a year ago and she promised never to do it again. Was that online affairs also? That's the big "red flag."

A. She has an addiction now and if you allow her to stay, you may have to put conditions on her, such as first writing OM that she will no longer be contacting him/them, and she would ask them not to contact her again, NC letters. Then no access to a computer, and counseling. If she disagrees to your conditions/boundaries, then I think you will know the decision you have to make. If she agrees to your boundaries then there are many principles here on MB that you should probably thoroughly read, and if she is willing, she could read also. I hope that you get good counseling too.

B. If it comes to booting her out, I think plan B would be something to look into.

I think in time you will know what to do. I was told by my BIL that I would know what to do in the months to come, I think he is right. In the meantime, keep coming here and posting, reading and learning.

If you can, it helps to take a mens multi-vitamin and vitamin B supplements. During such stress, vitamin B's are depleted very quickly, making us feel more stressed, and depressed. So please get to the store and get some. They are very inexpensive. Take them in the morning with food.

If you have a church, please call and ask for prayer. One prayer # I know of is 1-800-759-0700. It the 700 Club prayer line open 24 hrs a day.

God Bless you whitewolf, and may God heal your broken heart!


Love, Lady

Thank you for the information. I have been taking supplements centrum vitamins for years now, along with vitamin C. I notice a difference when I don't take them and do. AS to the healing process. I know I don't want to make a drastic situation. That's why I haven't confronted her yet. I want to know how she'd react and so on. I was thinking of asking her to separate and go to counseling. But, I don't think it's worth it to me.

A large part of me wants to see what other women are like and to just enjoy the freedom of being single for a little while. I feel relieved that she did this, as it is another excuse for me to get out. I feel a sense of calm, my stomach churns, b/c I am worried about her welfare and how she's going to handle this. But, that is the only thing I'm scared of. I'm not scared of losing her. The memories, yes, It'll be like a death. And maybe the depression will come later I don't know. I've talked to some of my best friends on this, and they both agree I should give her the boot and not deal with this anymore.

I know if I mention the word separation, she'll be gone. She'll pack up and move home then and there, abandoning her job and everything. I'm 90% sure that will happen. When I look at her I get nausiated and sick. I just can't stand it. But I hold it all in and pretend now since Saturday. So, I can talk to a counselor and establish a plan of how to talk to her. There's a slight emotional tie I have to her. But, deep down, I don't know if I want to even try. We never had a great physical life. Since we were married we had a physical relationship as much as 4 times a year. I thought it was due to financial stress, we over came that, and now it's even less in the last 3 years (even before this addiction or whatever it is.)

2 times a year has been our average. I did everything I could think of to meet her Emotional needs, I've been a rug or a doormat for over ayear now, giving in to her everywhim as much as I can while still retaining some dignity. And the more I gave, and did for her, the more she turned from me and went to this guy. We went through the EN and LB questionaires. We found a few things that we needed to address, but nothing that was show stopping. and she said "see there, we didn't have to see a counselor everything is fine."
She said she would be there for me physically and I said I would do more for her. that was 2 months ago.. Now, 9/13 I have proof she has been or started doing the whole online webcam thing.

Am I evil or wrong for not wanting to save my marriage? This is what I feel guilty about. Does this make me as bad as her? I want to rip it off like a bandaid and have it overwith. The faster she's removed, the less painful it might be for me.. NOt sure about her. Please tell me if I'm wrong for wanting this? If it had just happened yesterday or something for the first time, then yes I would agree to trying more.. but, it's not over, and I don't have any assurance or confidence it will be. and I don't feel like I have much to look forward to if I or we were able to save it. I have prayed for forgiveness on my part. I know how much this will hurt her if I do what I want to do, which is simply to ask her to leave with her stuff. I've done a budget for by myself, and determined how I can make it alone...

Have I done enough? Do I need to do more, and is it wrong for me to not want to do more?

Hi whitewolf,

I would say you cannot stay with her just because you feel sorry for how she might end up afterward. Hey, there are foodbanks, and salvation army. She won't starve, and most likely won't go homeless. It sounds like you are at the giving up point right now, and your heart just isn't in trying any more, and I don't think there is anything wrong with that. She hasn't given you a reason to try anymore. Just make sure you have a plan on how you are going to handle it when and if it comes to that. Plan B. I have read more of your story on your other threads also and I know you have tried desperately to maintain and save your marriage, only to be hurt again. You don't deserve to be so hurt and neglected. Your wife had her warning long ago, of what would happen if she did it again. You may have to "keep your word."



Love, Lady

My friends are telling me I am handling this way too well and too calmly. One of my best friends dated a girl for 3 years and they were talking about marriage. She was cheating on him the whole time. He said if this happened to him, there'd be no question, he said she'd be gone, and he'd pick up the pieces afterwards.

This is weird, but I am looking forward to the counseling appointment so I can tell my Wife, or whatever she is now.

Thank you so much Ladysheep for your support. I have faith that there's so much more out there for me, maybe even someone that cares enough to not stab daggers in me while i'm on the ground pleading for her to stop. It helps so much to have somewhere to talk about it.

It's kinda funny really, one of my friends said I'm too much of a softy. In truth, I'm a very compassionate person. I care so much for people, my heart goes out to the compassionate and forgiving hand of christ, the judgement hand scares me to death, and hence why I withhold judgement on people. I do not wish to be judged by the god of the universe therefore I do not judge. But, there must be consequences to the murderers of love. Whether it's an addiction, or a purposeful action out of pure pleaseure or lust or whatever it is.

But I do know that to continue my life as it is, would only be a disgrace to myself, to what God's love stands for, and to Christ's example. I compare this to when christ finds the temple being turned into a shop of trinkets. He raided the temple throwing everything out in a fit of rage and anger, asking how people could corrupt the temple to God. I view this as a symble of marriage too. Our existence, and thereby our marriage is all a temple to God. If something sets up shop within it that corrupts and decays the meaning of the marriage, then it must be thrown out with just anger and promptly.

I will ask the counselor how to approach it and to help me come up with a plan of how to address things that she might throw at me, figuratively or literally speaking. (She has strong temper tantrums!) And what I should do if she doesn't leave. Her name is on the cars, the house, along with me, so it'll be interesting.... I feel so clam, so at peace right now, sure there's some pain, but not as much as I expected!

Anyways, thanks for listening, I love writing, so that's most likely why my posts are so long. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Good morning whitewolf,


Wow, it's amazing your friend didn't know for 3 years. It's a good thing he found out before making the plunge!


Oh your welcome, glad to be here for you. MB has been a God send to me too.


The good thing is, is that no one can seperate us from the love of Christ.


That really made me think, and how angry I became when H betrayed me. It really is corrupting to the marriage. I am doing everything that I can to trust God through this all. Everything has changed now, and I cannot bear to look at my H at this present time either, and I'm not sure if that will change over time. Just the thought of him being with something so dirty, bothers me, even though I need to forgive seventy times seven, will I be able to hold on to this marriage ever again happily? He goes to this bible study, and that bible study, and comes home and wants to talk about it, and I really am not interested in hearing it from "him" or going with him at this point.


Well, I hope you stay at peace, and that it will go smoothly for you when having to make all those decisions, hopefully without a huge fight!

Love, Lady

Thank you, and I really hope things go well for you. The main arguement in myself, is: am I making excuses to make this end prematurely, or should I instead be finding ways to make it work. But, Like you said, there's not a lot to look forward to. Still, it's hard to let all the memories die, and just be a chapter in a book.

Lady, one thing I learned a number of years ago when I was dealing with abuse that had happened to me as a child. I was seeing a counselor and a pastor at the time. My counselor and pastor both said something to me that I never thought of or remotely considered. I pray you could consider this also. To forgive someone does not mean you have to like them, maybe pity them, maybe even love them as the person they could be. But just because you are trying to let go of the actions that caused your pain, does not mean you have to immediately start liking the person again. You may learn you can never like them again, or, maybe you like them more later than you ever have. Yes, I still love my wife, despite the filth she's brought into our marrige, and maybe, another 5 years from now, things could change, but I find it tough to like her right now, especially when she acts so innocent.

So true, and you know I have thought about that many times. I don't know if I will ever like or love my H again after this. That's the shame of it all. I feel we are just existing going no where at this time, and I don't know if I have the energy to try with him or not. My hopes aren't so high to feel that he wouldn't do it again, even if 6 more years down the line. Could I take the heartbreak again, and regret spending more years with him knowing there may be a chance that he'll do it again. I called his x-wife concerning this, only because they have a 16 yr old daughter together, and she told me "it was bound to happen, he did it to me too." He has done this many times past, I just thought because he is supposed to be a new creation in Christ, how could he do this to us, and the family??????

Love, Lady

Hi everyone,

Well I had a talk w/ my H therapist today, and explained a few issues w/ her concerning him. I told her I felt my H is now running, for the past month I have had total responsibility taking care of home and family, while he goes off visiting friends, bible study Monday night for 3 hours, only supposed to last and 1 1/2 hrs. Tues night bible study to last 1 1/2 hrs and he was there for 5 hrs.
His daily meetings which I understand he has to go to them and they last 1 hr. usually. He is making it so he is not home most of the time. So I think he is running. Therapist said "well what would you do if you were in his shoes... considering?" Okay am I interpreting that right, that she is thinking it's okay to run now that he has cheated on me and now has to start drug recovery all over again? Making sure he has every opportunity to be away from the family!! I don't understand that.
This does not seem fair to me!!!


She also told him to tell his Dr. that he needs a new Dr. reason being it will be close to home, and he won't have to worry about going to the city where he did his nasty thing. Well the truth is that he needs a new Dr. because this Dr. has been prescribing him "addictive meds"
for years. Why can't he and the therapist just come out and tell the Dr. that, the truth???? She is not helping my H be assertive, and she is not assertive either. They should put that Dr. on the spot so he won't do that with other patients in the future. Well, I guess they leave that Dr. not saying anything, so stupid!!!

And she told me it's a "slippery slope" having to be a devout Christian, meaning being "perfect." Well I think honesty, and assertiveness are just a principle of life.
And I think fidelity should be expected in a marriage!
And I think it would help this marriage tremendously if my H could be that way. Honest,assertive, and a non-cheater.

So much for distorted therapists!!

I know. With all the compassion in my heart I wonder how evil happens, but I've come to the conclusion that evil occurs because it exists. Just as we live our lives because we were forced into existance. So, does evil do what it does best, hurt people, families churches, whatever it can. It's what it was created to do, so it does it the best it can. It helps convince people to do wrong things they wouldn't normally do. I don't for one second blaim anyone but the person. Everyone has a choice to choose good or evil. It's just that by the nature that evil exists, we have the choice to do evil if we choose to.

I don't know what went through his mind. I narrowly considered and almost persued cheating on my wife because I felt so alone, so emotionally void, I wanted someone else to support me because all I did was give and give and give, she took, and complained, and took, and then abused my love for her. However... in your situation, you did something similar, you gave and gave and gave to him as much as you were capable of doing, and yet, he completely took advantage of your care and compassion, and abused it completely.

My friend told me today something that makes sense. He said to think about what my wife has done to me (and your H to you) as emotional abuse. I expand on it and think of it this way... If as a kid, your parents, neglected you, didn't show interest in your life, and you had no emotional support from the people you trusted the most, how would you feel? You would be depressed, you're relationship with yourself (yes, I believe a self relationship exists) and with your parents would have been one of strain, self-hatred, and who knows what else.

So, now, replace the parents (or childhood respected authority figure if parents were not good) with the next most trusted person on the planet-- You're H. The only difference now, is that you're older and are fully capable of understanding what's happening, as a kid you may not be capable of understanding. He's emotionally abusing you without even blinking an eye. My wife is doing it to me and doesn't think anything of it. She thinks it's fine to have an electronic relationship, which in a way I think is worse. No she can't get disease or pregnant this way, but what if her videos start getting distributed on the net? What if word gets back to my family, to professional people in my life? My entire life could be ruined. I don't forsee it happening, but free net porn is a huge thing, she's giving her own stuff to a complete stranger. He could start posting it on websites or sending it to other people.... What if a couple years from now, her name (my last name and my parent's last name) is on all of these videos and people start asking about my wife. My career, the values I stand for, everything could be ruined. She has no idea what she's done! But, not only that, the fact that almost every day she came home from work or whatever, she had an excuse to not be physical. twice a year was about it. Then, to do this, when she claims to never feel good enough to be with me.

Your concerns are very valid, the things that concern me, is that even when we were going out she was talking dirty chat to 50 or 60 year old guys. Nothing near as dirty as she's done now, but highly sexual references and inuendos then. This should have been a warning sign. But, I feel we both can do better. I know you have kids, and that's really tough.

I don't have any kids and Praise and thank god so much for that (not that we probably could have when we only had sex twice a year.. but anyways.)

Make sure to talk openly about what happened with your kids. One thing that has hurt me somewhat is that my parents never talked openly to me about sex or relationships or anything. They hid any affection they had for each other from me. I had a counselor ask me once, didn't you ever see your parrents hug or kiss? My response was, Parents do that sort of thing? This was when I was 19 or so. I don't know what the right age is, but don't hide and do talk about what is happening and why and what changes they should expect to see, ask what they are worried about and fear, and so on. The more everyone talks about it the better everyone will feel and grow from it.

I think it's too late for me and tomorow may be D-day for me, the day I ask her to move out or separate from me, and from there, work on the legal stuff. She has no comprehension of what she's done to me, and I'm guessing your H has no comprehension of what he's done to you. I don't understand why, I don't know how they can be so oblivious. But, I do know that time is precious and to waste it with someone that doesn't deserve it, only degrades the value that God has placed on each of our lives. He loves us so much, he doesn't want us to be stuck in a corrupt relationship because of a piece of paper.

I swore I'd never go through a divorce, I always thought there was no reason to. I was very ignorant and naive. But, we learn. sometimes the hard way!

Cheer up! Take Care, Pray, find people to talk to! My best friend that I've known since I was 3, has been so invaluable in helping me decide what to do. Hopefully in time you'll know what to do. I'm learning more and more everyday now of what I need to do.

One last thought and I'll stop this novel. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Revelation says that in the last days, men's hearts will be hardened against God. In other words, People will grow to hate God more and more as cosmic events occur. I don't know if it's the last days or not, but I feel the same thing happening with my views of my wife. The more I review my life, my past, everything that's happened, the more my heart hardens against my wife.

My prayers go out to you, and Your wisdom has been priceless to me. I hope that we can help each other through this!

.

You know whitewolf, that is so true. I'm glad you shared that with me, it all make sense. My parents were there, but not there. Parents at the bar every other night. Then on nights in between I had to go to moms bedside if I needed to talk because she would come home from work and just lay in bed and watch t.v., no meals together except holidays. Me and brother ate at the table alone while parents ate in bed. Never really any meaningful communication, or family life, relationship strained. I guess thats why it bothers me so much that my H would be away from my S for days on end, because I know what it feels to not have parent there for me and my emotional needs/all needs. I think you made me just realize that!! And now I am getting PTSD triggers because H is neglecting S, and I'm feeling abandoned for what he has done and while H takes care of "himself." Truly emotional abuse, and I feel sexual abuse too. Because he took that love away that I felt for him only and shared himself with a dirty @#$*&!!! You know sometimes I even have "visions" of him towering on her like a dog!! So that doesn't help matters.

I have mentioned to my H that I may never like him or love him again after this, time will tell. He says he understands why I would feel this way. I also made a boundary, and it's a big one. That STD test would be done tomorrow, but it takes one year for Aids to show up, and I am not willing to use a condom w/ my H (only because it will remind me, PTSD) so there may be no SF for the next year <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />, until the seconds Aids test can be done to make sure. I asked can he handle that? Can he have the self control? He said he understands. I asked him if he wants in this marriage or out. And he says in. I don't know if I want it now??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I looked at our marriage picture today. We were so happy!
I want that happiness again, but not sure it will happen.
I just hope that God would put that happiness in my heart again with our without my H. I hope the same for you too whitewolf.

Thanks for being there.

Love, Lady