Oh, I don't doubt that you will have the happiness again. I see this as a new opportunity to meet new people, form more powerful and more wonderful relationships with people. I'm glad I could help, and I appreciate our repertoire (spelling?). God brought us together to help each other through a tough time. I don't look forward to being single. I believe it's going to be a lonely period of time, but at the same time, I can save up some money, get things straightened out in my life, and decide where I want to go from here.

As for you, you have to really, really analyze what your H has to offer you. I know times will be really tough, especially with your childhood. and I'm sorry about that! But, you seem to have turned out pretty good and overcame the past. If you look at how you had to raise yourself, maybe this is the very strength you will be able to draw on now for courage and hope for the future. After all if you could overcome all that, then the future should be pretty hopeful. Hang in there, and continue thinking about what YOU Want. I'm not very self-focused person, but my friends are keeping me inline, telling me over and over, I must focus on me, not what's going to happen to my W. It seems so selfish to me, but they are right, I must do what's best for me. You must do what's best for you. Only you will have to answer for your past, present, and future. So, it makes sense to do things that are best for you. You've given so much, it's time to give to yourself not from yourself. I'm not sure if that makes any sense at all, but these are words for myself as well.

I was looking forward to dating, but some of the posts state to wait at least 1 to 2 years. Having very few of my SN's met for the last 4 years, really, makes the future tough. I've written a petition to God to remove Sexuality from Humanity.. He wrote back "Denied".

GRR. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hi whitewolf,

Yes, I was pretty much on my own as a little girl.
I really did not feel to be a "whole person" until meeting Jesus. That's when God began to take care of me as my Father. I know He will take care of us with or without my H, I have faith in that.


I think it is normal that you would think of your W, thats the husbandry care in you still, but after what she has repeatly done doesn't seem normal any more does it? It is so good that you don't have to think of children also! You have less ties, and an easier break away.
Children don't really recover totally without both parents, it's very difficult on them to grow up with parents divorced. I don't want that for my child. I have already saw the bad effects it has caused other children especially in the teen years, it seems to hit them the hardest in those years.
I told my H as he goes on his pity parties, put a couple of children with divorced parents in a counseling room and listen, you won't be saying "poor you!"


Yes, I believe that goes for those in any kind of recovery.
It's best. Okay, "denied" sexuality of humanity, what about God making faithful partners only, never to have a thought of infidelity, do you think He could manage that?

Love, Lady

HA! Good one. I never, ever thought I would have to deal with infidelity in a marriage.

But I wanted to respond to your comment on children of divorced parents.. My sister and I were sexually abused by a cousin when I was around the ages of 7 and 10. My sister was between the ages of 4 and 7, to my knowledge he never actually did the dead with her, but what does a 7 year old know about that. Anyways, my sister grew up extremely rebellious, drinking, doing drugs, she had gone through over 25 boyfriends when she was 16 or 17 (she told me this once.) On the other hand, by age 11 I was manicly depressed (I didn't know what depression was at the time) and I remember wanting to kill myself when I was sitting in my room at age 11. I didn't know why. I believed in God and finally when a college nun (at a catholic university, I'm not catholic though. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />) directed me to a counselor and so on, I recovered and healed. after about 2 years of counseling and 3 years or so of anti-depressants. I recovered. Today 6 years anti-depressant and counseling free I was (until now) a happy man.

My point is, kids can recover easier than adults sometimes. If I had received counseling when my parrents found out at the time. Then, things would have been so much easier for me. My sister, thank the lord is finally changing. It's a slow change, but she almost went to prison for selling drugs. She's on 3 years probation with no prison time for pleading guilty. She's now working at a Christian teen challenge center for helping men recover from drug abuse that want to recover. It's really weird, but God really puts us in weird places sometimes. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Anyways, in short, I believe staying together in a relationship that is not reaching reconciliation while involving kids can be more damaging. I didn't have divorce in my parents to deal with, but I, as a kid had a lot to deal with, and yet, God has brought me to a wonderful place where I can be content in his love, free of guilt, pain, and self hatred. I am more confident of myself than I have ever been.

Well, I came back to post for another reason. I did some more research on her computer, and found another video dated 9/19/05 for the creation date at 12:53 Am. There are two more videos dated 9/13 and 9/17. I found a conversation of hers dated June 21st, she saying that she's so worried about him (possibly a hurricane or something, not sure why.. .exactly. don't care..) He was trying to get her to do stuff with him and she said "no, I promised the hubby, I can't do that stuff anymore..."

Yet, she continued having conversations with him. Which only led her to doing this again. I've read on here that the issue should be exposed as much as possible... When do I tell my parrents, do I tell her mom what happened, in case my W tells her mom lies? I have told my two best friends and that's it. When's the best time to say to my parrents "Well, my W is cheating on me, and this is the second time I'll have to confront her in a year."

I'll know more when I see a counselor tomorow I guess. But I want to go to the counselor prepared. I have the gut feeling my counselor is going to say "before you make any decisions bring your W in and lets see if we can work this out." I hope they don't, because I don't want to spend the next 10 years wondering if she'll do it again. Net relationships are so easy, and if she'd been a teeny weeny bit more knowledgeable at all I wouldn't have known anything was happening at all. I am so lucky I found out when I did. So, so lucky.

Whitewolf, You will be surprised to hear this but, I can say I know what you mean. You & your sisters story is much the same as me and my brother, I don't want to go into details, because they are just too much to describe here. But my BIL went to prison for 5 yrs for incest to me, brother, his daughter, & 2 sons for years as young children. Sick world! My father wanted to kill him, and I believe it drove my dad to the grave, he died when I was 15yrs. I then went to alcohol, and a little drugs as your sister did. And some suicidal attempts as a teen, parents never knew. My niece and nephews were taken out of the home and put into foster care and began intense therapy. My parents never did get my brother & I counseling, they never talked with me and brother about it, as I said yesterday, communication just didn't happen in my family. We told my sister after she found blood in my nieces underwear (at such a young age that wasn't normal), then we told the police, he was arrested and then put in prison, that was it! Never to be talked about again. They didn't want anyone to know, as it was an embarrassment to the family. Then to top it off, my sister divorced him when he went to prison, and then remarried him when he got out of prison! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> My sister then lived in her own prison w/ him for the next 20 years until he finally died 2 yrs ago of spinal cancer, a long agonizing slow death. Not know he died, I had a "vision" at the same moment of a prison cell door and a loud crash of a man's head being thrust between two bars <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> I hadn't heard of him from family members in years and then my other sister called me to tell me he died and that is the very minute I had that vision while wide awake laying on the couch at 4:30am. Shocking huh???
And when I finally figured out I needed help was when I hit rock bottom at the age of 26. Thats the year I came to know the Lord, then years of counseling and recovery. Diagnosed with PTSD, and depression and at time AD's. I only have bouts of both under extreme stress, but I am much better, and I can handle stress much better that I used too. But relationships did not come easy, I still have a probem with "toxic" relationships, while trying to be a godly mother and wife.
My brother never did get counseling, he is very shy, doesn't talk much (I was like that for years!). He has gone through multiple marriages and now is a mormon, he even wears the garments <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />. I have had 2 marriages. I'm truly glad your sister is where she is, and I hear teen challenge is an excellent program, and that you have healed. You know many people never find healing, only God can heal the trauma and pain inflicted by incest. There have been a few children and adults over the years that have told me thier story, not knowing it's my story also. Such as you.
My hope for the future will be to help children that have been victims of the same thing.

Well enough of that, I'm sorry you found more evidence of your W webcam A's, I know that cannot be easy to handle.
I'm sure she will be shocked to know that you know now. It will be a sad time for both of you when it is revealed to her. Are you waiting to reveal all at counseling or have you told her your findings already?

Lady

Wow. I'm sorry, yet happy for you. I would never want anyone to go through what I went through, but it's really good to know that God can heal these wounds. It only strengthens our faith and resolve. I've always loved God, since a child, thanks to my parrents. Despite lack of communication, and as you said, it was just something we didn't talk about until I was a teenager, and then my sister made everyone talk about it. But, yes it's good to be free of all that.

As to the issues of now.. I have not confronted her at all. The crappy thing is she had her wisdom teeth out yesterday and so I had to babysit her somewhat. I did not want to at all. But, I did. She's being so lovey, and affectionate, which makes it all the harder. I know why she's doing it.. It's out of guilt. She's trying to make it up to herself, by proving she does care about me. It makes her feel better about what she's been doing. But, anyways, I am going to counseling by myself today at 3:00pm. She doesn't know about it.

Last week before I found out about all this, she accused me of going to a counselor behind her back. In the same tone as if she was accusing me of having an affair or something. I'm not sure what offends her so much about going to a counselor? She afraid she's going to have to do deal with her actions, or that they'll come out in the open? I don't know. But, whatever the case may be, I'm going by myself since she feels that way about counseling. I'm going to ask the counselor to help me figure out how to confront her and how to deal with her when I ask for a separation. I won't jump to the D word right away. I want to know that I can handle things on my own before doing that. Once I sever the ties more permanently and she figures out what she's going to take, then I'll progress from there based on what happens. I've never lived by myself, so it will be interesting, granted I may as well be. since I do my own cooking, my laundry, my dishes, the vaccuming, cleaning up after the cats, and so on. Which, is fine, she helped once a month roughly... So, I don't think it'll be too different, other than having no one to talk to when I get home from work.

So, yeah, IF I go through with everything tonight, I'll be alone tonight. I'm going to a christian counselor, and I'm scared they'll talk me out of what I want to do. I can't live more years of my life pretending I love someone that is emotinally abusing me. I sometimes think I'm over using the abuse word. because it can be used as a cop out or an excuse to lean on. But, what hurts me the most, is not that she neglected me for as long as she has. I respect her body and her wishes. That's fine. But, to turn around and throw in my face with someone else, just demeans me so much more. I can understand maybe slipping once or twice. That's why I gave her a second chance and the last year to see how she would handle it. but for her to do it again, and more fierce and more often, and in ways she didn't do it before, just twists the blade she put in my heart a year ago.

Arg. Sorry, I'm very angry, very stressed. How are you holding up? I hope you are finding hope each day that goes by for yourself. You are in my prayers. One thing that boggles me is that I stumbled on your past so easily. Maybe it's just more common than anyone wants to admit. Miracles come in big and small ways.

You know whitewolf, You have tried everything, and gave her 1 yr to help recover your marriage, I think that was very honorable of you, and she took it all for granted, if anyone is demeaned it is her. She shouldn't have done that.

I know a couple (believers), who the W cheated on her H,
10 years ago. He stayed, and she was a miserable witch to him for the next 10 yrs. She now says she has really only had a true marriage for the past 8 months. I'm telling you, that is not my hope for a marriage. That is where my H goes for bible study on Tues. night for 5 hrs. I truly cannot stand to be around them as they are "toxic" for me.

You are right about your W, she is worried about what is being said at counseling and she doesn't want her secret revealed. I find it astonishing that you have had total care of the household also. That woman does not sound like marriage material at all. If you go through with it tonight, please find friends, family, and church members available for you immediately, you will need thier support and prayers.

I'm praying God will help you emotionally detach. I'm holding up alright. Just worried about my 3yr old. Last night as he was with daddy, he kept looking at me as if to see if it was okay to talk to daddy. Daddy has disconnected himself from this child for the last month and that makes me cry more than anything, so a lot of tears last night, but feel better today.

Yes, miracles come in big and small ways!!

I hope you counseling session goes just the way God wants it to go today. :-)

Lady

In fact, I just had another idea. Do you think it would be good for you to have a friend from church or elder with you when you reveal to her everything. You have already confronted her of prior actions. Is it time possibly to have a witness with you this time, ei bringing this before the church. Only doing it in your home? What do you think?

Lady

The emotions are going more crazy today, maybe it's the realization or the admission to myself that this is truely over. I shouldn't be at work, but I have so much I need to do... Yeah, if she leaves tonight I will spend time with a friend. until after work tomorow, I need to come in and catch up on some work this weekend, but I might go home Sunday for a little while to be with my parrents. Not sure. I may have to be by myself too. That's why appreciate our "talks" so much. I've told my 3 best friends and they are all being very supportive and are echoing what you have said. I'm sure there's some rough days ahead!

Emotions are crazy. I'm not sure I can afford the counseling, but I'll need to find a way to have ongoing counseling. I have little doubt about that. I want to avoid the anti-depressents if I can, I had a tough time getting off of them (non-addictive my butt.. ), but if I must, for me, I will.

When the day is over, the corpse of our marriage may be in place site, but I know without doubt, that the flag of christ will still be standing in my life. I know that I have been a good man, yes, I made mistakes and had faults, but my concern was always for her and not for me. And maybe that's my biggest fault. I don't know. But, whatever the case may be, I know that Christ stands with me.

Can you have Christian counsel for free somewhere? It helps me to take extra vitamin B supplements. I think you said you take a multi, and a C. But really the B's are stress and depression relievers bigtime. I hope you can get some. If you can, take yourself out to lunch or dinner today also. And have your favorite dish!!


That's right!!!
Hoping the best for you today whitewolf.

Lady

We're having pizza at work for lunch for a party for one of the teammembers that's leaving.

I'm relying on the counselor to help me with this part, but here's what I'm thinking, i"m thinking of doing the following, just so I have some form of plan:

1. Come home, fearfully walk through the door.
A. I mean confidently. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
2. Say the 3 words that generate fear and concern "We need to talk"
3. Hand her the latest printed evidence I have on what she's been doing.
4. Explain to her I also found other stuff, and ask her to explain herself.
5. Tell her, that I will no longer put up with this stuff and that I told her there would be consequences if anything remotely happened like this again.
6. Then state very clearly that I want a separation.

7. Tell her once we're separated, I will reevaluate my life and decide if I truely want you back in it or not, and you can decide what you want to do.

8. I would tell her she can stay there until Sunday, and I will stay at my parrent's house until then. Offer her some start up money to relocate or drive home and go from there (which won't be much b/c we don't have much.)

Does that seem like a respectable conversation and forms of action? It's what I'll tell the counselor too. Maybe I don't need a counselor. lol.

As far as the vitamins, any B-supplements, or B6, B12, ?
I also have heard Vitamind D helps too. Shoot, I won't need to eat, I could just fill up on supplements. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Pizza Party!! Yay!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I think that plan of action is a respectable, and mature one. But do you think she would walk away with anything of yours (tv, stereo, computer, webcam, etc...) by Sunday?

Vitamin B-complex. It has all the vitamin B's. Thank God for supplements, I could never eat enough to get the vitamins I need!

Lady

Well, the good thing is we each have our own computer, granted I make almost triple her hourly wage, so how much of both computers is technically hers? I don't know. I'm guessing the majority cost of both is my cost, but I'll let her have her computer and webcam if she wants it. We only have one tv and it's a 52" projection. So, if she can find a way to fit that in her car today, then she can have it.. LOL.

AS to other stuff.. Most of it's not critical to me. Laundry, I would so love for her to get her clothes off the floor, out of the laundry baskets, and so on. My clothes are that way too, because simply I refuse to fold clothes and she does that about once a year.. We live out of floor piles and basket piles, which will change when it's just my 5 pairs of pants and 6 or 7 shirts. and a few towels. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Dishes and appliances.. she doesn't really cook too much that requires appliances, so I don't know what she'd take if anything there. Dishes, she might take a lot of dishes, most of those were hers when we moved in together. I may be buying new dish sets, that's fine with me.

she'll take one of the cars, I have no idea which one. One of them will be paid off next July and is automatically deducted. the other has 4.5 years left or so, and is significantly higher for payment. I can't afford both payments, and doubt she'll take on either one.

cell phone she'll take of course (we each have our own)... I'm not sure, how i'll do that yet, we have 2 year contracts and I'm not sure I can break her phone out of my contract. May have to pay the $250.00 cancellation fee and let her get her own phone.

Health insurance I can drop for her, but should wait until I know for sure what we're doing. One person said I'm liable for her health until everything is final. Which sucks, I could save myself $150 or more a month taking her off my plan.

PS2, she might take. Which is fine. A new one is coming out soon anyways.

Personally, I doubt she'll take anything tonight, I think she'll go to the car and just take off with what she's wearing and so on.

It's the checking account I'm worried about, it's joint. I may need her permission to close the account, and if I don't close it she'll be able to use her debit card anywhere, she could wipe me dry of all savings and cash if she really wanted to..

She called again b/c she's in pain from her wisdom teeth removed. She sounds so cute, saying how much she misses me , etc... Heh.. No it's not persuading me to change my mind... It's hardening me more against her.. How can she do that and then a few days from now when she's feeling better she'll be back with him online.. I have no doubt on that.

Well 10 to 15 minutes and I leave for the counselor and from there, home to for the confrontation.

Okay, it sounds like you have most of it figured out. You really thought things through well.


I will be checking here periodically through the night just in case you are posting. Let me know how it goes when you can.

Will be praying, stay strong!

Lady

ladysheep, I apologize for not posting sooner, I'm sure you waited with great anticipation to see how the train wreck turned out.. Sorry, a little sarcasm there. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Well, the counseling session really prepared me for what I needed to do and relieved me of stress. The counselor said the best thing to do now is a separation. From there time will tell if a divorce is neccessary or not... It may not be, or it may be.

I got home and confronted her.

Here's the rundown of how things went:

1. I asked her if she's had any relations at all with the OM.
2. W denies it completely.
3. I said, what if I have evidence of the relationship.
4. She said there wasn't one and wanted to know what evidence there was.
5. Showed her the printed logs.
6. She stared at the same page in disbelief for about 5 minutes.
7. She asked me what I wanted to do about it and admitted it completely after the evidence.
8. I said I want a separation.
9. Then the emotions came and I was calm and didn't give in to her emotional 'bout.
10. I said, You can't possibly be mad at me. She said no, I'm mad at myself and you have every right to be mad at me.
11. After I made sure she was "safe" to be by herself I left for an hour or two and was at a friends house where I still felt and remained calm, controlled, and emotionless.
12. On my way back home, I began to feel separation anxiety. I finally admitted to myself that I would truely miss her. That I do still care about her. and so on. I guess up until then I never really knew how I'd feel if I lost her. But, I knew I had to remain strong and resolved in my decision.

13. I got home. she wrote me a letter. and stated she has no idea how much she hurt me, but knows and accepts that she hurt me deeply, and that she loves me, and that she's sorry, and so on.

14. I explained to her sorry won't cut it this time. I have to know that I won't waste the rest of my life if I stay with her and find out she cheats over and over again.

15. she swore she never would again, but I pointed out that she did the same thing a year ago but she did it again.

16. Then she said that she has a new plan for our separation. She said I will stay in the guest bedroom. all I want is a separate tv so you can use the living room, and we'll live separated in the same house.

I told her this doesn't give us the same affect as a separation... We wouldn't be completely separated.. We would still see each other and so on. I told her we would have to remain emotionally separated from each other, not just physically. (not that there was much physical closeness to begin with. ) This means, we would reguard each other by first names rather than things like honey or dear. We would not hug, touch, kiss or hold hands. We would simply be completely room mates and that's it sleeping in separate rooms and leading separate lives for the time being.

She said she will go to counseling as often as she needs to, and would do whatever it takes to save our marriage.

So, here's my response, see you think this is not enough or is appropriate or what.

I told her she must do the following:

1. Determine the consequences of her actions as I don't feel "separation" in the same house is sufficient... there's too much contact, too much support for this to be sufficient punishment or consequences for her actions. I said there must be something more. I told her she must detail the consequences, written out, with a timelines, etc. I must approve or disapprove of the consequences.

This way if they are written out I can track if the neccessary actions and so on are being followed.

I told her she must also write out how she expects the relationship to progress and over what amount of time. I made very clear how hurt and betrayed I am over this and told her I am not going to be there for her and made that very clear. I will treat her as another guy, not my wife.

Lastly, I am considering weekly "dates" with her. 1 day a week to start with where we can be emotionally attached, maybe that's too often, I don't know. But, it's a starting point. But one day a week where we can attach emotionally, foster emotional respect for each other, and mild amounts of physical affection (hugs, holding, hands, dating type of stuff.)

I told her it's going to take months, possibly years to rebuild this marriage. The problem is, our marriage didn't have a good foundation. Our first years of marriage were hellish. So, the foundation we have is sand, and needs to be rebuilt with stone. I told her we have to tear it all down and start over for this to work, which means being separated. I don't know if we can accomplish that aspect in the same house. Financially though, it may be unwise to separate, as it would only set us back more.... Especially with the counseling we're going to have to be paying for.

We spent a couple hours talking tonight, she "said don't touch me unless your going to hug me" which I responded with "It may take me a while for me to get to that stage.."
So, she knows full well, not to expect any physical affection right away. I just have to figure out if and how she can gain my trust again.

So, there you have it. She claims she desperately, on her life, wants to save this marriage. She said "I will do anything for this marriage, and said that she loves me so much and always has." I said "If you've loved me and cherished me so much, then why did you stab a knife through my heart and twist it around." She says she doesn't know why she did any of what she did. She says, she felt something is missing, not from me, but just in general. She doesn't know what was missing, she just felt empty. So, maybe this is more of a spiritual battle, than a marriage battle.

I don't know. But there you have it. So, am I being to nice? Too weak? or will what I"ve laid out here have potential to make a marriage better than it's ever been?

Good Morning,

I know it's hard to separate isn't it? Well you did a good job confronting her about it. That part is over. I think in time you both can come up with a plan to save your marriage and what you both need from each other, if you choose to stay married and want it to work. Did you read the articles here on "Infidelity on the Internet" by Dr Harley? Maybe it would be a good idea for you (just to make you aware), and especially her to read those articles, and see where you both can go from there.
I have saw people leave thier whole families for someone they met on the internet, thats just crazy. I met a girl in the Dr's office one day, and she said she was from Alabama. She told me she came to be with a guy she had met on the internet here. Big "red flags" began to flash infront of me. I told her if she needed anything, any help, please call me, and gave her my #. 2 days later she called me saying "please come and get me this guy is a transexual and an alcoholic and he is keeping locked up in this apt.!" Immediately I went to get her. She stayed with me for 3 1/2 weeks until I learned she was seriously mentally ill w/ multiple personality disorder. She had 101 different personalities. She then went into the hospital, and then the county shipped her back to her family. She had a H and 2 boys. What an experience that was!!

My previous neighbor met a guy on the internet, and she left her family of H and 4 children to go with the guy in another state. She came back a few months later begging to come home, pregnant from the other guy. The family is all back together now, and the H has accepted the baby.

Roommates situations I don't believe work well, seperate rooms don't work well. Remember the couple I told you about yesterday, that's what they did, seperate rooms for a long time, we are talking 7 yrs after the infidelity happened. Miserable. I remember going to thier house when the H was moving back into the bedroom with W, my H and her H had to fix the bed, and the W was having a hard time with it. She loved having her own room and she was not handling it well for him to move back in it!! I think it would be terribly straining, and draining to live like that. In fact, there were times, I felt like sleeping on the couch, but why should I break my back sleeping there because of what he did, so I stayed. We have a huge King so I am at one side, and he is clear over to the other side for now.

It sounds like your W would be perfectly happy having her own room, such as the W I told you about, but I don't think it is too healthy if she wants the marriage to work.

In my marriage we don't even have plan yet. We aren't doing anything but the day to day routine, working out, appointments, job hunting, bible studies, taking care of children, cooking, cleaning, crying, nothing marriage. My husband wants in this marriage too, and has cried many times due to his actions, he really can't believe he did such a thing, and deals with a lot of guilt. I think I have to come to a point of not throwing it in his face.
It's still early 1 month, and we are not making any hasty decisions.

It really does take time. As you have said, I think the hardest thing is gaining back trust. When you have trust for each other, love becomes so much easier.

Lady

I agree on the hasty decisions part. It was her idea to separate in the same house. I wanted to separate more than that. But, it's the option for now. She's going home today until Monday. I don't want to talk to her right now, until we both can sort this out some. Maybe I'm being too hard, I don't know, but there has to be consequences. I know she's in a lot of pain now. yet, signs that she's not seeing what she's done completely are that she states she's always had an undying love for me... I asked if this is true, how could you betray me in the worst way possible?

I proposed that to start one day a week we actually date and start building our marriage over from scratch. We can have more meaning ful conversations and get to know each other all over again. But she has made some good first steps. She showed me her phone as she deleted his number, and showed me that she removed all of the programs she used to talk to him with.

What was sorta amuzing is that she told him what had happened, and his response was "oh sorry". She told me she can't believe that's all he said. I asked "what did you expect him to say" She said "I don't know, I expected him to be more compassionate and accept some of the blaim."

I almost laughed... But, she finally realized that she was completely used and left to hang. I want to hug her and show her affection, but I don't feel I should, and I can't right now, everytime I want to I just feel the betrayal in my heart.. Time will tell.

Yes, there is nothing meaningful about internet affairs, and the men on there are perverts that don't give two hoots about anyone! I only hope now your W will realize that and stay away from them. So she was calling him too? I was wondering if she was, and I was gonna tell you to check her phone log, good thing you did, and you should continue to do so.
You really do have to be a snoop as long as she is there.

Well the weekend away will give you both time to think about it.

I never know what the consequences should be either, I guess I just leave that to God to figure out. Being that my H feels continual guilt and pain for what he has done tells me he has a conscience and that God is working. So I guess that is a good thing. I would see things different if he just didn't care at all and made excuses for everything he did.

Lady

No, so far she's shown me she cares to a degree. An yes, he was a sleeze. I knew that from the beginning, but she was addicted, and she's spiraling down a path of self guilt and hatred. Which is hard for me, b/c I want to be there for her emotionally, but yet, I think I'd be cheating myself if I did that.

I guess she's turning around and coming back now, b/c she doesn't feel good... I think she's thoroughly lost now that all of her support has caved in.. She said I will stay out of your way though, I won't bother you.

She definately understands that we must deal with ourselves for the time being. I only hope she can learn to forgive herself. That will be the mountain that makes or breaks this. If she can't forgive herself, then whether I forgive her or not is irrelevent. She will be plagued with depression and self hatred if that happens. THat's why I think counseling will be so critical. Personally, I think what's going to have to happen is weekly personal counseling sessions for herself, as well as marriage counseling with both of us on a regular basis. She said she's open to both. But, I will have her make the appointments, if she's sincere, she will take the responsability to work on this. If I do it all, then I'm enabling her and there's no ownership from her. The more she does herself too, the more she has to build self-respect on.

IS your H going to counseling and stuff too? My W isn't making excuses... so far. She did initially, she tried to say there's something missing and that's partially why she did it. But I pointed out the error of that arguement and she completely agreed. Thanks so much for your support and prayers. I don't know how to help them work through the guilt.... That's going to be the hard part.

Yes, I think guilt/pain is a normal feeling for them and they should be feeling that, how long I don't know, I think that is for God to decide. (Hebrews 12:11 Now no chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but painful: neverthless, afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.) I guess when we see the fruit afterwards, that is when we will know that they have learned, and turned back to God and the marriage, we will see change and fruit, and at that point we will know they have come out guilt/pain stage.

My H has turned to God and marriage so far, still dealing with the pain/guilt that God is putting him through. I just have to stay out of the way of what God is doing and let him go through it.

Lady