Bring the info to the admin as a case of concern:

Ms Admin,

I have thought long and hard before bringing this to your attention. Though my family is dealing with several serious issues at this time, I respect you enough to want to let you know about some occurences which have been disturbing to myself and family. I have been strongly advised by other administrators (Name the titles given here by MEL and Wonderings), to bring this to your attention.

I will just come straight out and tell you that OW as the activities director has been making it quite difficult for my family. My WS and her were doing inappropriate things and it seems my MIL was put in the middle of it. Now my WS has pulled out of this chaos but it seems the OW is still bent on pretending she did nothing wrong.

The concern I have is this may happen again to another family. It was and is very difficult to deal with my MIL as a patient and see her health diminish but to have to deal with someone who feels having affair(s) is part of her job assignment is a big slap in our face. I realize my H is to blame for allowing himself to be taken by this person and he is seeking counseling to help him recover our marriage. My point is to make you aware of what is going on.

Thank you for your time and attention to this important matter.

Sincerely,
BS and family.

Orchid...loved the letter/presentation...you are so good at this stuff!

I think that I might add a line about kd wanting to make the Administrator aware of the circumstances because kd knows how very important the administrator's residents and their families are to her by the caring and concientious way that she approaches her job...may not be true, but she certainly won't contradict kd on this very flattering statement...everyone loves a good ego stroking and they are usually more willing to jump through hoops for you when you do it properly...besides, there is no way she will want to give off the appearance that her residents and their families aren't important to her after a statement like that has been made...what do you think?

Mrs. Wondering

orchid, I think that is a great letter! The only thing I would change is that I would specify that the OW is having an AFFAIR with her H. I think she needs to be very explicit about that.

Hi Everyone,
I had my conversation with the administrator and her boss. I am sorry I missed all your good advice!
I plowed through by myself. I told them about o/w behavior, how she went beyond good sense and proffesional behavior. I warned them that in the future if this type of behavior continues from the o/w towards other families, they might end up in a lawsuit over it. I brought all my cell phone records of all the conversations that my husband initiated with o/w and mentioned the out of 94 text-messages only 22 text messages were to me. Leaving the rest of them between o/w and w/h. AKA The Rats. I told them that o/w and w/h had an emotional affair, and my marriage was in shreds and I am left to try to repair the damage that was done by both of them. They expressed their concern, saying they were going to talk to all the girls, and this would be a good example of why not to do beyond their scope of duties. They had counseled o/w a few months prior to the amount of time she was spending with w/h and mil. They thought they were going to have problems with this down the line. They offered to allow my mil leave and only pay for the days she has been there.
I was a little disturbed at the fact that they said they couldn't control their employees after hours. That is there time and they have no right to tell them what to do on their own time. That irritated me.
I then said, I used to work for Wells Fargo Bank. As an employee we had to sign a contract that made us responsible not only for our behavior on the job, but off the job as well. Because we represented the company.
They tried to weezle out of it by saying they can only be responsible for the calls that were made during work hours. So I grabbed my phone list and listed all the phone calls that were made during the day when o/w was working.
They then delivered blowing news.
Continued on next post.

The administrator told me that o/w said my husband has repeatedly called her, and that she screened her calls and would not answer the phone.
Attempting contact has continued. I am devestated and don't know what to do or say to husband.
O/W said last night my w/h again attempted to call her.
I believe this is true, because I noticed my husband last night seemed upset and was hugging his pillow totally on his side. So I know this is the behavior he exhibits when he is upset.
O/W says that she wants nothing to do with me or our marriage, that she is sorry that this ever happened and she just wants to stay out of it.
What do I do? Do I confront husband about contact, or do I just let it ride out and eventually die because she doestn't want anything to do with him.
I am so hurt and mad that he has been lying to me again. Maybe this is the time to introduce radical honesty and talk about our feelings, or more to the point talk about his feelings that he is going through missing her. It is so sad to know that the only thing that is keeping him from continuing on is the fact that she doesn't want anything to do with him.
Calling all advice please, I really need help!!!!

I am very proud of you, kds! I know this was hard on you, but you did the right thing.

It is really important that you confront your H about this BECAUSE he must understand that he is exposed and that the NH is screening his calls to the OW. That will pretty much discourage him from continuing and should ruin his fantasy about the OW. Embarrassment is a powerful motivator.

At least now you know why he has been so withdrawn and angry. He has been trying all this time to resume the affair.

Secondly, kds, I would strongly recommend that you call the OWH now while the getting is good. Doing this will cut off that path and limit him from ever trying to pursue her in the off hours. As long as he is trying to pursue her, the only obstacle is the will of the OW and you don't even want to have to count on that. Your H is going to be angry at all this, might as well make it worth your while and take your BEST SHOTS at the affair now.

Yep, she had done damage control...already talked with the powers that be. Don't take the innocent act, o/w and w/h have probably been in contact with each other and she only RECENTLY ended contact to make herself look good in the eyes of the administrator.

I am so sorry.

Time to move mil NOW.

And time to contact o/w/h.

Good job. Now you have taken care of half of the problem. The OW will be afraid to have contact with your husband. This is a definite plus for your recovery.

I know you are upset about your husband still trying to have contact, but you have put the breaks on that too. He will be angry, and go through some more withdrawal, but in the end, it is much better for your marriage.

Still, I bet you are right! The OW was worried that she would be busted, so she pre-empted kds and spun the story so it would sound as if she were being pursued by her H. They probably think it was all one-sided on his side. That is the danger of not exposing soon enough.

update: husband just called and asked my what I did. He said he called the assisted living facility and someone there, who he won't name told him about my confrontation with the o/w last night. They told my husband I was thrown out of the facility. Which is a whole load of crap. I told my husband that was not the case, the receptionist told me to take my problem to the administrator the next day. I told him I agreed, they went home and I went back to the dining room where his mom was. Who do you think the rat was. I called the receptionist and told her what my husband said, and asked who said something. There were only four of us that were involved. One of the other two persons talked. I wonder who that was. Do you think it was a rat??????
Anyhow, I didn't want to tell my husband over the phone, but since he already knew half of the story, I gave him the rest of what I had done today and what they said, and the fact that his mother can move anytime now and not have to pay for the rest of the month. w/h is upset. Well tttooooooo bad!!!! Was that an LB???? He said what have you done. I said I had done what I should have done from the beginning, I was trying to save my marriage. And I was told that o/w said that he was still trying to contact her, even last night. He denies this saying he hasn't called her for weeks. I said then, "Well if that is the case, then your precious o/w just tried to sink your marriage then. I then told him if he had seen his precious o/w he wouldn't have thought she was so sweet. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
I feel so good, and feel empowered. I did not back down, didn't sound wishy washy and didn't commit any LB.
I will probably live to regret this though. I don't think they will be firing o/w but she will definately get lectured I'm sure. My husband now just text-messaged me and requested that I call the movers now.
He said he won't be able to show his face in his mom's facility there now.

Good news. Even if OW doesn't get what she deserves this time, you can bet you have probably saved some poor other woman the heartache you have been through. You did just fine.

Thanks Believer,
I am now considering telling o/w/h. I didn't want to do it, but I am not convinced that o/w didn't call my husband and tell about what happened at the facility. Hmmmm. I have to think on that.

I have a question for all of you, the administrator said o/w was a player. What does that mean???

Me! Me! Oh! Oh! I know! I know! (waving my arm in my best Horshack impersonation) I know who the rat is!!!!

;-P

And what kind of passive agressive bs is this that your wh can't show his face at the nh because of you outing him???

More like he can't show is face b/c he's been a turkey and he was called on HIS behavior. It has NOTHING to do with you.

YOU ROCK KDS!

Batton down your hatches.........and realize you have Neak's cape of power on. Wrap it around you and shine in the glory of the righteous. Let wh's pi$$ing and moaning slide off your back....cos he's gonna do it....but it's a step towards opening his eyes to the nastiness of his indescretion.

- Kimmy

I would go ahead and clue him in too.

But sit back and give yourself a pat on the back. You've had a good day today.

You put a real damper on the "activities" of the Activities Director.

Player = as benign as being a flirt or it can mean as cancerous as an adulterer, imo.

Both are unacceptable and unprofessional to say the least. That it's so open that her Admin calls her that is blechy.

- Kimmy

Thanks Kimmy,
I guess I am showing my age, I don't know what slang words are. You think I would considering my son is 22 and my daughter is 24

KDS - I only know it from accidently seeing an episode of Jerry Springer. I'm not so much younger than you...and 44 ain't on the downward side of the hill either!

- Kimmy

My take on the word "playah" is one that moves from person to person easily, a new BF or GF every week. I've usually heard it referred about men. Or one that "plays" people to get what they want...a bit of a con artist.


Please, please, please tell o/w/h now, while the iron is hot. So exposure, and what ever shakedown from it, can all happen at the same time. O/w/h needs to know...wouldn't you want someone to tell you the truth? Imagine what he is hearing from her?

My suspicion? That they have been in contact this whole time and have concocted a whole web of lies to hide their love forged by the stars. They have probably worked out what they would do in instances of either of their spouses finding out and/or bosses. My guess also? OW told WH, and told him last night...

Why else was she there when he went to visit the other day...he told her he was coming...

KDS.

Don't let your husband intimidate you. He can't show his face around the NH anymore? Give me a break. You should respond to him with "How can you stand to show your face around your own household at this point?" And, if what he has done was so innocent, then why such humiliation. I would definitely contact the OW husband. He should know. Having him on your side on this one will probably better equip you than you can imagine... unfortunately, I think it will probably also reveal a PA as well. Are you ready for that admission?