kds-
I've been following your thread closely because I find it so disgusting that the OW preyed upon a weakened marriage, and used a fragile elder in your family for leverage. I'm so glad you outed her to her administrator. I think her days will be numbered, even if they don't admit it. Did you ever get anywhere with the fact that they were giving her less than the top tier care? If so, maybe a refund is in order? Also, next time you're there, ask the admin if OW still has the photo of WH and MIL on her desk. That alone will show them that SHE was a major agressor, not a minor player in the A. I must say you've done a great job, I would have lost it many times. (The OW in your case might have ended up with tire tracks on her back if I were the BS. Of course that doesn't get you anywhere, and you are wise to recognize that!) Good luck through the next few weeks. You tore the band aid off nice and quick, now here comes the sting. Worst is already behind you.

Well, today was very busy. After I got out of school I had to look for mil a new bed to go in her new facility, the one she has is too big for it, change her address at the post office, and squeeze in getting over to the facility and helping her eat dinner.
O/W looks like she didn't show today at facility. The administrator said she would take care of picture of mil and o/w that she displays in a leather frame on her desk. I looked into o/w office and picture is still there. So much for administrators word.
My husband is still acting cold, and abrupt. I am doing ok, but every once in awhile I think about the fact that my husband is in love with another woman, and if it wasn't for the fact that she doesn't anything to do with him, he would probably be in a full blown PA, and probably would have gone ahead and divorced me.
Mil's money is gone now, if I hadn't of suggested me working, him tapping into our savings and his stock, mil would have had to gone on medicaid and been put into a nursing home instead of a nice privite facility that is not anything like a skilled nursing home.
I keep waiting for a little sign of appreciation, but he shows no sign yet.
I would go so far as to tap into our equity in our home to help keep his mom from having to go into a skilled nursing home. Sorry folks, I'm just feeling a little sorry for myself. Hubby is still into me,me,me. Came home with new hunting clothes to go with his 1600.00 shotgun he bought a couple of weeks ago.

Sorry - if you are tapping savings and scratching for money for his mom - HE SHOULD NOT BE BUYING NEW SHOTGUNS.

He needs a few paradigms shifted. I know. I have been there. And my bio-dad was very selfish - caused him and my mom to divorce.

I do not know how to suggest you shift his paradigms. Have you read Love Must be Tough by Dobson?

Blessings to you....

far

Actually I ordered it from B. Dalton, and the bookstore called and said it is in. So tommorrow I will pick it up. I wish my husband would wake up, and say to himself, wow, I am so lucky, my wife has gone through ******, and still loves me, and wants what makes me happy.
There is one positive thing in my life because of the affair. I have awakened from indifference to my marriage, and now appreciate everything that is good about it. I find myself loving my husband more each day, and live for the times when he shows his vulnerable side and is sweet. That is the man I married 26 years ago. One that was not afraid to tell me how he felt or what he was thinking. I miss that guy.

Last night while I was posting, I heard husband take a shower, now this is something he does when he want sf. I followed with a shower and we reconnected, physically and emotionally. The anger is gone, and we are talking now about what will make his mom's transition better at the new facility. We have a long way to go to heal, but this is a start.
I don't know if anyone feels this, but when we go to bed, I feel my husbands defensiveness start to fade and our souls connect without words, and although during the day the wall goes up, he lays his defensiveness down at night while we sleep.
I believe, that although he cannot say the words, his unconsious mind loves me and has always loved me.
Only in sleep, does our souls connect.
When we recover completely, I know our marriage will be so much better than before.
This morning husband spoke kindly to me and all resentment seemed to be gone.
Today will be busy,
The movers come to move mil.
Mil's old facility is having a western dress up function, so I have brought Mil a kerchief and a cowboy hat.
She will attend the function, and we will send shuttle around three to pick her up. We will use that time to set up bed and put everything away in new facility.
Today looks a little brighter.

I am glad for you!

Don't mean to be a pest, but have you talked with o/w/h?
This is probably one of hte more important exposures to make. He deserves to know (didn't you?)

I could cry, I'm so pleased.

It's a good thing, no, to take your destiny into your own hands?

- Kimmy

So explain to me why you have to get a part time job because his MIL is running out of money? Why he gets to buy a shot gun and hunting clothes? Tell him he can sell that stuff if he needs money for his mom. Set your boundaries.

Um. I can see selling the shotgun and hunting outfit (how girly am I - giggle - it's an outfit). BUT: KDS is as much MIL's DAUGHTER as can be. They are a family. WH, KDS, MIL are a cohesive unit. Kds cares about her family...she cares about the type of facility her dear mil is in.

Family does for each other. Period. We don't pick and choose what we do because it might put us out a bit.

(btw: HE NEEDS A NEW SHOTGUN LIKE IMELDA MARCOS NEEDS SHOES - if'n his momma is wantin' for something, shotguns should be the furthest thing in his mind, imo)

- Kimmy

Dear Stillhear,
No, I haven't exposed to o/w/h yet. I have too much on my plate just yet, with moving mil and still a 1000 things to still do. I just got home after spending all day packing,unpacking and going shopping afterwards. I'm totally wiped out. I need to have a clear head to decide what to do. Right now, my head is like a snowglobe all shook up.
Mil is not happy about moving. She wants to know why we moved her. We told her she would be closer to us, only 5 min. away vs. 25 min. Also my husband told her that she needed more care than assisted living could provide. She demanded to know what couldn't she do. Its amazing, Mil is in a fog 60 percent of the time, but when she gets angry, her thinking is pretty sharp.
She told me that she is going to go back tommorrow to her other facility.
We are hoping that she will meet some great friends here, like she had at the other facility. I remember her first day at the old facility. She was angry at us too, then. It only took about three days for her to realize it was a great place.

Dear Wannna,
My husband loves his mother dearly. When she is unhappy, we all are unhappy. I want both my mil and my husband to be happy. Its only money. Their happiness is all I want. I don't care about money or possesions.

I know exactly what you mean Kimmy.
By the way, my husband loves shoes too. His theory in life is you can never have too many shoes, guns or knives.

Update:
While w/h spent the day shooting ducks, I ran errands and visited mil at new facility.
She was very happy to see me and seemed quite happy. The staff said how sweet mil was and experienced no problems last night. Mil thinks that she is at the old facility. This is why she is so happy. I pray she continues to think that she is still at the old facility. Her being happy will in turn relieve my husband's concerns and guilt. That in turn will have an effect on our relationship.
What I find amazing is the fact that my husband has only visited his mother on the night she moved in. He is content for me to take care of his mother's emotional needs.
On a positive note, I was happy to see the staff jumping in to feed my mil when she hadn't started eating on her own. What a relief to know that we don't have to worry whether mil has eaten anything. I think that my husband is going to experience so much relief in not having to walk on eggshells at this facility, because they are used to giving this kind of care to their residents. No more, will my w/h have to worry about the facility asking his mother to leave because of her in-ability to care for herself.