Thank you for all the wonderful words. Today was a weird day. Got into it with my mother and ended up confiding w/STBX about it. He was super nice and reassured me that I am a good mom and I just need to set better boundaries w/my parents. He also reminded me that he has been telling me this for years.

I have recently learned that my mother doesn't enjoy going to parties anymore because she hates hearing about how successful other people's children are. My parents have been great through all this and I really appreciate their support. I know I shouldn't feel guilty that mom hates going to parties but I do. I'll bet one thing we have all learned here is that our real friends are the greatest people in the world. Beyond that, we don't need to worry about what other people think. Wish mom could understand as much...she'd be a lot happier.

Wife30, I cannot believe your OW also uses Planned Parenthood as birth control. Thank you for chiming in...we'll have to talk more. STBX says that he doesn't yet know if he and OW will end up together either. All I know is that he isn't going to end up with me. You have it tough w/a child that young. The first time we separated my kids were 4 and 2 and I thought I would go crazy.

NTMO, STBX doesn't confide in me at all. I am nice to him, he is superficially nice to me but I don't know anything about his feelings. I found out OW was pg through an acquaintance. H never was very forthcoming about any details.

OH Wow! So was she pregnant before or after you split up? It sounds like he is a major Conflict avoider? What a way for you to find out starving. I'm really sorry.

I'm also sorry about your mother. Don't let her make you feel as if you've failed. You have not failed. You are surviving the ordeal that you've gone through. I can only assume that is what your mother is talking about by not successful? You are successful or on your way to being. Being successful is not just how much money you make, but it's also what you make out of your life and what you do with it. Your a good person and don't let anyone tell you differently. If she does not like going to parties because of this, that is her problem and she is the one loosing out on fun with her own peers and stuff.

Starving, our STBXH's are both conflict avoiders. I found out about OC through an anonymous phone call.

NTMO and Wife 30,

You nailed it. And although I am not a conflict avoider, I am a pacifist. I am working hard on this though. I told my mom how she made me feel, but felt guilty that I said it. I have learned through MC how to communicate using the "I feel" words. The most helpful thing .. back off. My H. and my mom get defensive and will try to draw me into an argument and it's hard not to respond. It does take a lot of practice.

conflict avoidance was a huge indicator of divorce. I used to wonder how I would ever recognize another CA so I could run. But guess what, I was chatting with an acquaintance recently at an event, and he started talking about his past relationships. All of a sudden I said, "you sound like a CA, do you think you are?" And he laughed and said that as a matter of fact he is a CA and is in therapy for it. I was so relieved...maybe after being married to CAs we will be able to recognize the patterns in other people.

Thank you for all your help. I had a great conversation with my MIL today. She was so supportive and said she would do anything for me. I have been separated for almost a year(this time anyway LOL) and am finally starting to focus on the future...trying to build healthy relationships with mom and STBX as well as work on my issues. It feels good. For once I feel that I am looking to the future instead of wallowing in what H and OW have done.

I am sure all of you, like me, have felt like you were on the edge of losing it (wouldn't it be peaceful in there with everyone tiptoeing around in white coats and talking in sweet soothing voices?)and then realize that isn't an option because of our kids.

Thanks for all your support and advice. I don't know anyone personally who has gone through this.

Starving I can't believe the similarities in our situations.

NTMO has been a great help to me. She's great to talk to.

I also feel for the first time in a long time that I am planning for the future. During my entire pregnancy and even afterward I felt like I was dwelling on the past. I think filing for divorce was a major step for me. It's helped me to realize things are over and start focusing on the future.

Just wanted to say thanks to everyone for your help and give an update.

We told kids about OC about a week or so ago. They asked some questions but mostly thought the whole thing was impossible. They met OC and H's GF (OW) on T-giving day. When they came home they didn't say a word about it. They told me what they had for lunch and that was it. I didn't pry.

Last night they went to H's house to spend the night and OW and OC were there. I didn't see OW but one of the children came out of the house and said "Daddy, your GF is here."

I haven't said anything to H about this yet. Our divorce is imminent, we have been separated for over a year but to have the GF over there when he expects our kids seems totally disrespectful towards them. They only sleep there on Wed. and every other weekend. Why can't they be the center of attention on those few nights? BTW, he is a very attentive father, he just seems rather clueless on this issue.

Once again thanks for all your help. The holidays are so weird when it comes to all this. Hope you are all getting through with bells on!

One more thing. I am considering asking the children not to talk about this with their classmates but wanted to ask your opinions first. They attend a large public school and I don't know all the parents that well. I was thinking that if they tell their friends about this and their parents get wind of it, the parents might be reluctant to let their kids come over. The whole sitch sounds so trashy. Do you think I am over-reacting?

I don't want my kids growing up thinking that this is OK and normal, but I don't want it to sound as if I am bad-mouthing their father either.

I think that's a tough call. By asking your kids not to talk about it are suggesting they be ashamed of OC? I can understand your feelings, and believe me I have them to. But, is that really what you want to portray to your kids that they should be ashamed of their brother/sister? Although I know you don't want them to be proud of the situation in which this child came to be.

I am in a similar situation as I've told you before. H and I may be working things out. I live in a small town where everyone knows everyone. They will definitely know about OC and I will be the school counselor. I have concerns about how that will look also. I know it's easier said than done,but I'm trying to remind myself that this was H's mistake, not mine.

Wife30:

Thanks for your thoughtful response. I mulled it over and asked STBX what his opinion is and decided not to say anything to the children. If it comes up at school, then I will deal with it when it happens. I plan to have a conversation sometime about how this is not the way we are supposed to behave but will wait a few years until they are older.

I also talked to STBX about OW being at his house and he said it wasn't realistic for me to expect him to keep kids totally apart from his other family. I just asked him to wait a while since our kids have had so much to digest already.

He also said he and OW are planning to get married. YUCK! How could any man marry a woman who lied to him TWICE about being on birth control?? Obviously, it his fault for believing her, especially the second time, but to me that is the lowest of the low. I am tempted to send him some of the emails she used to write him, about the things she did with other woman and whatnot to remind him what a trainwreck he is walking into.

I brought up her past during our conversation and he simply said that OW had changed. I just worry about the influence she'll have on our kids.

Wife 30, good luck to you on your reconciliation. I do not regret the attempts I made to save our marriage and am sure you won't either. You are in a tough spot, with such a young child and a husband who seems to say and do all the right things. Just take all the time you need because your husband's decisions have put you in a place where it's not going to be easy either way.