This needs to be looked at....


I think it is very UNloving to condone someone's self-destructive choices ~as if~ it were a healthy choice.

For me ~~~ this is an example of weak love

buying booze for the drunk

or buying drugs for the junkie

or bringing home a box of donuts for your hypertensive, obese, diabetic spouse

or inviting OM into your home for dinner

~~~~~~ Weak love permits and even encourages your spouse to indulge their weaknesses in incrimental spiritual and emotional bites that lead to self-destruction

“or bringing home a box of donuts for your hypertensive, obese, diabetic spouse”

Pep, interesting aside:

I have researched Eating Disorders a lot lately. Compulsive eating (and purging) is considered a stronger addiction than alcoholism. It’s right up there with SA. And the two often go together in women. (!!!)

ED gets no press here on MB, but like the other addictions, it renders MB methods less than optimal.

edit: spelling

Pep, you have told me this before and it is a hard concept to understand. You told me that "allowing someone to destroy the love you have for them is not a loving gesture". I now do get this and believe I have stepped up to address this.

Pep, you said I was vulnerable. I am realizing that more and more. But remain very, very guarded.

2long, any progress I have made all came after I quit being the conflict avoider. W and I are now very much on equal footing. Perhaps I even have the upper hand. Sadly it is a result of apathy and indifference setting in. I can talk very matter of factly about life apart. Before only she could talk that way which was intended to manipulate me. Now she knows it doesn't have the desired effect and therefore she doesn't go down that road. Here's a neat development; I bought her a beautiful "past/present/future" pendand for our 20th. She decided the chain was very weak for such a lovely piece and insisted we go back to the jeweler to see something else. I understood her concern and wasn't hurt at all. Well she asked the jeweler "do you have any wedding bands?" The end result was that we both got new and more elaborate wedding bands. This really caught me by surprise. I was very happy with my old band of gold, but I'll gladly wear this chandelier if it represents better things to come.

I agree with you that this all takes time and it is better to be concerned with direction than pace. My W recently commented that she is starting to "realize things". This was in response to nothing particular but I think it is a positive comment. I hope to show her your post about your W understanding that dividing her affections is very counter productive. Take care.

send me, not sure if you're divorced and now re-establishing a relationship with your W <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />. But I can really appreciate the not knowing. As painful as it was I'm glad she confessed early on. Didn't speed the ending but at least I knew why I felt like I did. Seems you went for four years wondering what was wrong but couldn't put your finger on it.