Well my lovers husband found out about us on saturday. He called my wife on Tuesday, and now I cant breathe. I found this website tonight and it has made me realize what happened in my marriage. I was lacking something, and my co-worker filled the void. Quickly it got out of hand, and even as I type this, I feel like I can't live without her. I want to fix this with my wife, and work it out, but she will not even talk to me. Im not sure how to proceed. Its time for me to grow up and fix my marriage. Whew.

First thing, Luke, is you got to get yo mind right, boy.

Your "lover" was nothing but a fantasy that YOU had. What you did had nothing to do with love, and everything to do with destruction.

You have NO idea how devastated your wife is right now.

First thing. Immediately and for the rest of your life on this planet, you stop ALL contact with your infidelity partner.

If you think you can handle the first step, then let's talk some more.

Let me know.

Gimble

OK, bbqdad, I'll try to help. I'm the FWW (former wayward wife) in my situation and my H and I are still together and happy. My affair finished 2 years ago and, believe it or not, (and I know you won't) I never think about him.

First, lover is not a good way to describe your affair partner. OW (other woman) is what we use here.

Secondly, you've finished (I presume?) the affair because you were found out. It's not a good start. Recoveries tend to really work when the affair is finished by mutual agreement.

Thirdly, you really aren't sure whether you want to work it out or not - you're just petrified of what the consequences of your actions are going to mean to your life.

You can and you will live without the OW (other woman) if you are really serious about fixing your marriage.

I'm not surprised your wife won't talk to you - she's just been dealt a blow which people describe as being as bad as losing a child.

You will find a great deal of support here if you really ARE serious about fixing your marriage. A repentant (which you aren't yet - you've just been caught) spouse is one of the first steps. If you really, really want to fix your marriage - it doesn't just happen my magic - it'll be one of the hardest things you've ever done.

A bit more detail always helps. Years married, your ages, kids etc.

Jen

ok,
married 8 years, 2 girls (3 and 5). Tomorrow im going to talk to OW and DC from now on. I wanted My wife to help me write the letter to the OW, but as you know, she won't talk to me. I had planned a trip with the OW, and of course things are different now. I wish I had found this site 9 months ago. My life would be so different now.

You know I found this site during my affair and I didn't "get" what people were saying. It wasn't till after the affair that I really came here and really listened.

Why are you going to talk to OW? I hope she's as serious as you about saving her marriage. I guess because you are co workers it's going to be tough. I left my job because the OM was a client. It really does come to that.

Where is your wife now? Is she still living with you? Can you tell her you've found a website that could save your marriage? Because, seriously, that is what happens here.

Look, bbqdad, I can tell how conflicted you are. Been there, done that, got the scars. Are you really, really prepared to do what it takes?

Jen

My FS is in bed right now. As I cannot sleep, im here reading. I was so excited when I found this website, I wanted her to be as excited. But of course she is not. I am going to have to quit my job to save my marriage, its that simple. I do not want contact with the OW now, and realize I made very poor choices. I am thinking about calling the OWH and telling him not to get a divorce, and to look at this website. Hopefully with no more contact with me, she can really work on her marriage.

Cool. That's just the right attitude. I just know you're going to do this. What do you think the OWH would do if you called him? He probably wants to extract your liver with a penknife right now so I'd be very careful about contacting him.

I have to go now. I live on the other side of the world and it's dinner time here.

I'll check in with you tomorrow.

Jen

Jen

If I called him he may just hang up on me, but I know he still wants to work it out with the OW so if I could offer him any hope I would like to. The OW told me that her H was moving out this weekend, and I was hoping to stop that process before it got too late.
thanks for your help
-bbqdad

Bbqdad,

Welcome to this forum. You’ve found the right place for help & advice.

Please read ALL the information and links on the following thread and make sure you follow ALL the advice to Wayward Spouses (just click on the link underneath). This thread will give you a GREAT start. But don’t just read it – also put the advice in to practice.

Tools for the Wayward Spouse

The most important link you must read on the above thread is PAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Wayward Spouses.

Here is a link to all the abbreviations used on these forums.

Hi, bbqdad.

Stopping all contact, means all contact. Don't talk to her, don't bother her family. Leave them alone to deal with their own pain. You can't help her, you can't help him. Quit your job if you need to. Just don't go tomorrow, and immediately work on finding a new one. Write your boss a letter explaining your decision.

No contact.

Help your family. They have suffered the greatest damage from your end of the equation.

Gimble

Hi bbqdad, welcome to Marriage Builders. I wouldn't suggest that you call up the OWH and give him marital advice; I don't think your advice would be well received since you are the one who caused the trouble. That would be a little too ironic for most.

Can you send your W here so we can help her?

Thanks for all of the reply's. I am currently looking at new jobs right now. I want my W to come and read, and sent her the link yesterday via email. The WS guide really helps, and I can tell its going to be a long hard road.

bbqdad

Your infilelity lasted how long?

Did you ~EVER~ bring OW into your home?

Which of your friends or co-workers knew about the affair? Who approved or condoned the affair? Who "covered" you when you had to lie?

Did your children ever meet OW?

How much $$$ did you spend on things/activities/motels/gifts etc for the affair? Make a list and be 100 % honest.

Were you making plans to (perhaps) leave your W and OW would leave her H? Did you ever even discuss this with OW?

How many family functions did you make excuses to miss in order to spend time with OW?

Did OW ever ride in your car?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's uncomfortable reading these questions, isn't it?

Be prepared .... these are the sorts of questions you MUST answer 100% honestly when your wife asks.

IF you wife asks these questions be grateful and humble .... it may mean you have a chance to rebuild what you destroyed.

Try and answer these questions here ... and don't sugar-coat your answers. Test your ability to really look at what a rotten thing you've done. That is step one of acknowledging your horrible behavior.

We are 10 years into recovery and very VERY happy !!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> So chin up, you have a daunting task before you and it ain't for sissies ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Give your BW time, but reach out to her.

She needs time to deal with this, she just took a bullet to the heart.

She needs to know the things you are planning, job change, NC, working on this site. And she needs to know these are long term changes. Keep reaching out to her.

Possible letter to her?

Dear W,

I am just now realizing how much I hurt you and I am sorry. WIth the help of some research I am doing about A's I have hope that not only will our M make it through this, but that it could be better than before.

I want you to know I will not contact the OW again, ever. I am going to change jobs, and I am posting and researching on a marriage building website. I know I need to write OW a letter explaining there will beno more contact in our life, but I will wait until you feel better so we can write it together.

I love you!

bbq


And keep on reaching out to her.

What if things DON'T get better with your W? Keep up the changes anyway. Let her know these are not just shallow changes.

Your infilelity lasted how long?
8 months

Did you ~EVER~ bring OW into your home?
yes

Which of your friends or co-workers knew about the affair? Who approved or condoned the affair? Who "covered" you when you had to lie?
no one really knew, my co-workers suspected, but no one covered for me.

Did your children ever meet OW?
yes
How much $$$ did you spend on things/activities/motels/gifts etc for the affair? Make a list and be 100 % honest.
not much as my W runs the finances.

Were you making plans to (perhaps) leave your W and OW would leave her H? Did you ever even discuss this with OW?
YES. the OW is getting a D and wanted me to move in.

How many family functions did you make excuses to miss in order to spend time with OW?
too many, perhaps a large family reunion was the worst I missed.

Did OW ever ride in your car?
No, but I rode in OW many times and drove it on trips with her.

I can answer any question she gives me, even though it may hurt.

Thanks for answering .... how did it feel to be asked these questions?

Go deeper than "it felt bad" .... what did you think of yourself when you wrote this all out?

Well, I understood I would get questions like that, but those are the easy ones to answer, my W will have much more difficult ones. I am going to be honest with her, and try to make it work. She doesn't know much about my A, and we haven't talked much about it yet. I hope to be able to do that this weekend. I took some time off next week so that I may be able to spend some with her and our DD's.
-bbqdad

Did you have sex with OW in your family home?

On the bed? On the couch? on the rug? In the shower?

It's gonna be a huge issue.

And expect to hear the "why?" or the "how could you?" many many times.

Don't say "I don't know."

That makes you look like an idiot !

Say "I was selfish." something that indicates you are taking ownership of your decisions.

Has your wife been a good and decent person toward you most of the time before she discovered your affair?

id you have sex with OW in your family home? no.
in OW home? yes
On the bed? Yes
On the couch?YES
on the rug?yes
In the shower?yes
at work?yes


Don't say "I don't know."
thank you. I am an idiot. I will say I was selfish from now on.

Has your wife been a good and decent person toward you most of the time before she discovered your affair?
yes, she has. We just lost our "love" after our kids were born. Now its time to earn it back.
-bbqdad

bbqdad.

One thing, the omission of the truth is lying also. Just because she may not ask you specifically, if you know what she is getting at, don't dodge the question because of symantics. This isn't the time to play word games. This is the time for honesty.

I would be forthwith on everything she asks. Be proactive on your recovery. Don't wait for her to come to you...you had better be persuing her. I would recommend that you tell her, you will be honest with her, and answer whatever questions she asks you. However, you will be answering them honestly, and those honset answers right now could hurt for the rest of her life...part of the problem is that you are still clouded by your affair, and your thoughts are still aligned to those thoughts. I would ask her to carefully consider questions she wants answered, and to only bring them at you say like 5 at a time... wrote down before you begin answering. This will stop the rapid fire questions that often come during heat of the moment conversations.

I think you understand how precarious your ledge is right now... based on the OW's marraige, and her husbands response to the affair.

Hang in there.