Your right, and what does he need to think about? He has me buying all his BS. I guess she is happy enough doing another woman's husband. If they are still active, he has got it made. If I can back off, perhaps it will make him a little more sloppy with the details.

When he suggested he stay at a motel tonight, I did say that was unacceptable. If he needed to be gone, he could let me know where to drop off his clothes. One night in a hotel will not do anything but give me vibrant dreams about him and her.

Everytime I get a plan A recharge, he must think I am loosing my mind. When I get nice to him, he says I am just being a martyr and trying to make him feel guilty.

So, my objective is be pleasant, don't expect anything from him and concentrate all my efforts on ensuring that NC is still the case. Correct?

Jean,

You are getting good advice here. I know this has been a major blow to your self-esteem, but you can do this! You can and you have and you will! Give yourself some credit. You are not failing. You are coping with a very tramatic situation.

I didn't expose A to OWH, mainly because I didn't find out who it really was for 3 months. Even then, I was so stunned about the length of the A that I didn't remember her full-name and I wasn't about to ask FWH again. I did some legwork and found her last name through, of all places, Classmates.com! Even then it took me a long time to get her address.

I reserved exposure for any further contact, at the recommendation of many others here on MB. I think it was because my FWH was committed to the M and there had been NC.

I will say, driving by OW's house and seeing it (which let me recognize her car in the parking lot at her work - an added bonus) was eye-opening. We live significantly better than she does. I think she is just above pond-scum anyway.

Although I only work 2 days a week (and 2 blocks from OW and FWH's workplace), I have seen OW several times in her car. I am so much better looking than she is that I cannot believe my FWH would want her.

Please, please believe in yourself! I know its a stressful time, but the decisions you make now can have a huge effect on your M. Expose, even if it causes the wrath of your H. You DID nothing wrong, and why should YOU fear the truth?

BTW, I did a search on peoplefinders.com to get her info...

thanks nay-nay, but am I understanding that you did not fully expose since there was NC? I guess that is where I am, once I can prove contact, I have no problem with more exposure. Although, I do believe that the only person that doesn't know is OWH.

The only person that I have not confirmed that WH told, is his boss. WH said he talked to boss, boss said "go home and fix it" and WH did not come into work for the first several days. Boss didn't bother him-so I assume he did tell boss.

family, friends, everyone else knows. That causes me embarrassment-I feel like I have "big unfulfilling wife loser" tattooed on my forehead. When I went to the library to get SAA-I was embarassed of my big sign.

I will do the detective work.

Jean, trust me on this, the OWH should ALWAYS be exposed to regardless of the status of the affair. It is a big mistake to avoid this step, as it is the best insurance against a resumption. The WS is much less likely to even TRY contacting the OP again if they know their spouse knows and is watching. The more exposed an affair, the less likely it is to resume.

Secondly, there is a moral obligation to warn the OP's spouse that they are being destroyed behind their back so he can protect himself and his children. The OP's spouse deserves the same opportunity to salvage his marriage as you do. I strongly consider it a moral obligation.

Good point, I would probably be pretty PO'd, wait, I am petty PO'd that a third party knew of my WH's affair and didn't tell me. (his work buddy, that is)

Agree. If my neighbor's bookkeeper was embezzling money from him, I wouldn't hesitate for 2 seconds to warn him. I honestly can't comprehend why some treat adultery any differently, because the principles are exactly the same. That just makes no sense to me. How can a person protect themselves if no one cares enough to tell them? I guess I have just never been callous enough to look the other way.

Jean,

I'm sure that you already know this, but let me remind you, YOU are NOT responsible for your H's poor choices...I'm sure that you both weren't meeting the needs of the other, but that in NO WAY excuses an AFFAIR! Please don't beat yourself up so much...I do understand why you would feel this way, but HIS behavior speaks VOLUMES about HIM, not you...

I'm going to bed now, I'll say a prayer for you and your family...

Mrs. Wondering

Jean,

No, I didn't expose, but I think in your case I would have. For my FWH, exposure would have been devistating. He not only would have had to face his co-workers, but it would have adversely affected his career. Also, FWH thinks OW was battered and I believe the A might have been her way of subconsciously getting back at her H. Another reason I didn't (and other MBers brought this up) suddenly telling the OWH after several months of NC might cause her to contact him for support and comfort! So I saved the exposure for any sign of renewed contact. Especially since she has a lot to lose! Even now I still fantasize of sending OWH's an anonymous letter!

With your H's behaviour change lately, I don't think you have anything to lose.

Well, he didn't come home at all last night.

I do not have a plan for anything right now. I am now in the phase where nothing else makes sense except that he is still in the A. I am going to start not giving a damn any minute now...

Man, I should avoid Saturday mornings on the board. Friday nights just seem to be the crappiest night for WS deception and betrayal.

Stick with the power of having a plan for yourself. His actions are irrelevant right now. Plan A is about you. Imagine the surprise on his face if he came home and you were out, seemingly enjoying yourself. This may be impossible for you to pull off but you said yourself you don't care much. Besides when he first walks in the door he is not going to be ready to communicate effectively. He's going to be prepared for a confrontation. Throw him off guard.

Good luck, Mr. Wondering

[quote] I am trying to conduct myself in a way that I can respect (other than the underwear sniffing!)


OMG!!! I thought I was the only sick one here. Not only did I do that, but I would smell my w/h's shirts to see if he went out to dinner, or had o/w perfume scent on his clothes.

Sorry, I just had to reply to that! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

KDS:
I hope we are not the only ones that do that, I am new to all this crap, but that seemed that normal operating procedure to me.

Our d-days are pretty close, I have been reading your posts. I hope you have a good weekend.

Thanks Jean,
W/S and son are going to a special duck hunt trial or something. It is an all Sat. and Sun. event.
Me, I am going to spend the weekend, visiting mil in new facility. She is very angry about being there, and because she has demintia, she asks why she is there, over and over. "Ground Hog Day"
I will be taking her to lunch around the corner at the local mexican food place. This will be a treat for her because she is unable to go anywhere with us, because she is unable to manage the process of getting in the car. I will push her in the wheelchair, to the restaraunt next door.
I'm going to look up your posts, I am so horrible at remembering posters history.
Here's a hug for when w/s comes home ((Jean ))