Thanks JimmyMac and Dorry.

Update. W has returned home last night. Me and the children has created a big banner (posterboard) for my W. However, I Couldn't take the kids to the airport as I needed their passports (across borders) and she had them with her. After and hour of searching I called a friend and asked if they could look after our two kids. No problem, except DD6 was crying her eyes out. Anyway, picked her up and it wasn't too bad. SHe had all new clothes on and is looking much harder. I complimented her on how she looks, but I believe my compliments are being deflected by her heavy armor. I Asked if I could give her a cuddle (probably a bad idea asking) and we had a bridf cuddle, but not much in return from her.

She says she doesn't love me anymore. She loves me as the father of her children, she thinks I am a great dad and wants me to spend time with the kids regardless of what happens, but she is not "in love with me and can't see picking herself up from over the edge I have pushed her down". Words are roughly right. After a bit of talking she asked for a separation and I said not now. She can't even make a decision to try for a day. It is uncomfortable, but I don't believe it is anywhere near as bad as she is saying. I believe she is trying to convince herself of this lack of love and she wants me to leave so I can take all the blame for destroying the family unit. She doesn't want to make that decision. I am concerned in this environment (i.e. separate bedrooms) that I don't want this to turn into war of the roses. I don't think so as the children will keep us in reality check, I hope. I wonder if I should go away for a few weeks? I have developed such a stronger bond with my children now I don't want to leave them now, especially when I don't believe my W is thinking truly clearly.

I am still getting virtually all the blame, but I do see hints of progress. It is so hard to show her I've changed as her defenses are so high. And to top it off I have hurt my back last night and I need to go see the doctor. I can't believe it, she is going to think I am faking it. I started doing situps and excercising yesterday and last night I carried about 30 KGs of shopping up the stairs. Now I am in physical agony too.

I also thought I did a great job keeping up with the housework, I did everything (cooking, cleaning, washing, etc) with the exception of I had a friend help with the ironing. I thought this was fair as I am now working two 24/7 jobs. Her comment about the house. "It doesn't look lived in". Obviously, no matter what I do I can't win right now. Anyway, thanks for listening. It is good to get things off my chest. I'll keep you posted and if you do have any thoughts then please share them. Thank you.

Update.

She is hesitant to ask me to leave, but she wants a separation. I tell her I will do whatever she needs as long as I know we are working forward. She says she can not commit yet as she can't see a future for us. Later I look at her phone and find a dozen messages of telephone sex and loving messages from OM. She now tells me she has been in contact with OM up until yesterday. She physically attacks me in front of the kids to retrieve her phone. Rips my shirt and slaps me on the ear and I hear ringing for an hour. This is bad. She then blames me for attacking her.

She still has no regret and says she never will. After much discussion, she says she will "try and will" not contact him for the next month for our sake and the kids. No commitment to working on us. Just no contact. I think she is saying this just to appease me. My question is "Is this enough?" Should I be having her write a no contact letter? I want her too, but I don't think she is ready for this. I just see her going deeper into the lies and hiding it even better.

I'm watching my family being ripped apart. She keeps blaming me and has total contempt for me. She is still being selfish and explains to me that If shes happy the kids will be happy. I answer that she is putting her needs above mine and the kids. I have said that she needs to get her A sorted in her head before she can truly think clearly about us. DO I need to demand more? less? Should I leave and give her space? I think that is a complete cop out and excuse to pick up the affair. I am also thinking of contacting OM again and telling him how he is helping rip my family into shreds. Ideas? Suggestions? Help?

Have you read up on Plan A - have you bought the book Surviving the Affair and His Needs/Her Needs.

What you need right now is to start a SUPER good Plan A. This means no relationship talk, no love busters, no giving into these arguements. This will show her what she is missing. And a GOOD plan A, lets you do a GOOD plan B if it ends up having to be that drastic and you need to go into not contacting her to get the message to her.

She is in NO place to tell you what you are working towards.

Have you exposed her affair as well? Do you know if OM is married - if so - you need to expose to his wife - she will be SUPER angry at exposing - but it needs to be done. When I did it to my husband he told me I was vindictive and I will always ruin his life, first by having my affair, and now by not letting him live his life. The truth is - he was no where near able to forgive me yet, and was running on pain and entitlements, as is your wife.

Plan A works even when you have been the WS first as it shows the changes YOU are making, and it betters you too.

She won't write the no contact letter right now as she as no interest in ending her affair or working on the marriage with you yet.

Hang in there - and buy those books and read up on this site about Plan A/B - you are ready for one kick [censored] Plan A!

OK...I am little confused about Plan A. I can't find any consistent info other than don't rock the boat and perform love busters. Any better documents then What is Plan A/Plan B? How can I spend time with her when she is either continuing the affair or is unable to be comfortable with me because I have just invaded her privacy? I am struggling to see how I can really Plan A with someone who isn't able to commit to no contact let alone to our M?

OM is not married. Has been divorced. Typical British yob. She tells me she knows there is no future with him and this is why she doesn't need to deal with the affair as this is not the problem. I think it is a huge problem as I don't believe she can honestly look at our relationship until she sees the mistake of this affair. What if she does make 30 days of no contact and no progress? I doubt this and I think I can tell from her demeanor towards me what is going on. How I can do this I am not really sure. How can a BS sit at home and be loving and giving when they know WS is seeing OP? Argh!!!

I want to save my marriage or at least give it an honest try for the sake of the children. I have expressed this need for a real commitment to try for the sake of the children, but not to stay together if we truly try and can not find it in each other to be happy with one another. I would like to keep my sanity too.

I have the opportunity to make a couple of business trips over the next 2 - 3 weeks. Do you think this would be a good idea or a bad idea? I think it is an incredibly bad idea, but maybe I do need her to sort herself out in her own time. Also I don't want to end on the note of today, the love busters, physical attack (restraint from me) and overall bad feelings. Do you think I would help or hurt by contacting OM? I don't know. I'm lost, confused and I can't do right from wrong. I just feel so helpless and my concern is for the kids.