Bob,

Well, I tried to use POJA last night and it ended up being more frustrating than anything else. H wanted something that I didn't necessarily agree with, so I suggested to my H that we POJA. First, H kind of mocked it, which frustrated me. Then, rather than offering suggestions, H just kept telling me why what he wanted was a good idea. I tried to let him know that he wasn't offering suggestions, and he got frustrated and continued to explain himself.

So not very successful. Anyone have any tips for me?

I really want my H and I to sit down and go over our EN and LB questionnaires. I see him doing a lot of things lately that I recognize as being LB (and I'm sure he sees the same in me although he might not be able to identify it). And I want to make sure all of the things that I am doing for him are actually things that he needs.

But I don't think he has actually even filled out the questionnaires, so I don't know how to get him to do that so we can go over them.

Cinny, you don't. You can't "get him" to do anything. You are reverting to "his" needing to do things or make changes. I KNOW you want to reconcile and rebuild your marriage, but it's still up to you to control the only person you CAN control, and that's you. YOU keep making the positive changes. You keep focused on walking with Christ and leave your husband in God's hands. I know how tempting it is to "bargain" with God, but the operative thought you need to keep focused on is "...nevertheless, not my will but thine be done." God KNOWS what needs to be done for YOU, whether that means married to your husband or not. He also knows what your husband needs and you may each be on different "timelines" in God's plan.

So PATIENCE is the watchword that you need to embrace and keep ever in your mind. It IS a "rollercoaster" and you have tbe "in it" for the whole ride. Stay committed.

God bless.

I don't think I used the right word when I said how could I get him to do it.

MB is something that I really believe in, and I am trying to show him how I feel.

Yes, patience seems to be the very area that God is testing me and that I am sorely lacking. That and faith. It's easy to say "I have faith in God that all of this will work out according to His plan" ... but acting on the faith is a completely different story. And acting on it is something else I have struggled with. My H's friend even brought that to my attention at 6:30 this morning.

So mediation...

H and I agreed that the date that was set for mediation has become impossible for me to make due to a work conflict. He agreed that we could reschedule it.

I just got a call from my lawyer saying that H's lawyer thinks that I am just trying to stall the process and that he is going to petition to bypass the mediation process and either work it through the lawyers or go straight to trial.

I am sitting here at work with kids in my room trying to hold back the tears. I don't understand how it could have gotten to this.

H said he was thinking about slowing down the D process. Yes, I know he was just thinking about it. But this seems to be speeding up the process. I don't know what to do.

Cinny, one thing you must keep in mind is that attorneys are NOT interested in saving your marriage. They are interested in representing you, the individual, and in making a fee for their services. What do you "expect" his attorney to do..."play at divorce proceedings?"

Your husband is "in control" of what he allows his attorney to do or not do.

But we are severely handicapped in not being able to talk to your husband. So the question would remain, who IS talking to this young brother in Christ?

Cinny, all you can do, as hard as it is emotionally, is to continue to conform YOUR life to Christ, to make the "Plan A" sorts of changes in yourself, and to rely on God to know both the "timing" and what is "best" for the two of you. You be the "passenger" and let God steer the course according to His will. I know, that's very uncomfortable at first. It's like me, who does not "like" to be a passenger in a car and would rather be at the controls myself.

You can't control what your husband does anyway, so why not let God steer his ship too.

Your husband is not blind either, and one thing that DOES get noticed is a "changed life in Christ."

At some point, it is my hope that instead of proceeding with a divorce your husband will agree to good, solid, trained, Christian Marital counseling to help both of you deal with the mess and learn to forgive and grow together in Christ and in your marriage together.

But know, too, that God will act in YOUR best interest also, as God knows your future. So regardless of what your husband may decide to do or not do, you will come out of this stronger and more attractive to anyone who loves the Lorda and sees you shining forth as His committed child...and bride of Christ.

God bless.

Well, I talked to H earlier. He said that he sees a lot of things that have changed in me, and some things that have still yet to change (not that he should really expect everything to change all at once). He thinks and wonders what it would be like down the road and if it would last. But then here is the kicker ... he said that he wondered if I was worth dealing with all of the fall out (his friends and family that know). His gut tells him that "I'm not worth it." His emotions make him second guess that, but it was really hard to hear him say that he doesn't think I am worth having to deal with his family and friends.

And as if all that wasn't bad enough to deal with today, I got a letter from a friend of my parents today. She was sending me a check in case H decided he wanted to go to a MB weekend. And she mentioned something about praying for my Dad. My parents haven't talked to me in over 3 weeks because of something having to do with my current situation. I just found out that my father had surgery and no one bothered to tell me.

Life is seriously sucking for me right now.

((((((((Cinny)))))))))))))))

NTL

I seriously don't understand my H. Last night, he sent me a text message saying "I'm sorry to be so closed off lately. It's pretty amazing how patient you have been about it."

And thanks for the hug, NTL ... you have no idea how much I needed one yesterday. I only wish I could have actually gotten a physical one from somebody.

Feeling any better today?
I don't know what your H means by his text message. Again, I will say that I think the only fair and Christian thing to do is either invest in this marriage or cut you loose. Do you feel strung along? I'm sure his feelings are confusing to him, but I do think it's cruel for him to go back & forth... maybe you guys need time apart so he can decide what he wants?

NTL

I see a lot of going back and forth her about why your BH is acting the way he is and speculating how cruel he is being to you and I feel the need to step in. I am going to apologize in advance if this seems harsh or cruel but I feel the need to state this.

Cindy - You betrayed him and caused him more pain then he knew was humanly possible, and not just once but twice. He felt like a knife was put into his heart and twisted continuously. I don't doubt that he loves you but right now he doesn't trust him self. He knows that he can't go through that hurt and pain again. You have proved that you are capable of hurting him and to protect himself he pulls back from you. But the problem is he still loves you. It is this conflict that causes him to act the way he does. Obviously I don't know your H but I am specualating based on my personal experience. It just bothered me to hear people start to bash him knowing what he is probably going through. Please do not trivialize the trauma he is going through. Until you've lived it, you can't imagine the pain and suffering.

Kloe, just wanted to respond that no one is intentionally "bashing" Cinny's husband. I know, from a Betrayed Spouse standpoint, what he is feeling and the emotional and mental "yo-yo" he is going through.

The "biggest problem," aside from the Affair itself, is that they are both young with limited "life experience" or "marital experience." Heck, my youngest son and his wife are their ages.

Men, myself included, tend to be very possessive of their wives, and the mental images of a wife with some other man are crushing, let alone the calling into question of everything he thought he believed in. Without an "anchor" of experience and long marriage, or Jesus Christ, it is very hard to overcome the hurt enough to even TRY to recover, because the "Taker" will try to prevent future "harm" by invoking the "Run" idea, "flight" instead of "fight." This event WILL be a "forever part" of their marriage. It CAN be gotten past and a newer, better, stronger, marriage in Christ CAN be accomplished, but it's going to REQUIRE a lot of time, patience, endurance, humbleness, and love to allow God to help heal the deep, deep wounds from both of them. At this point in "dealing with it," it still looks like and "insurmountable mountain" to climb. If I could I would direct her husband to Philippians 4:13 to assure him that NOTHING is impossible for God, or for one of his children who surrenders to Him and let's Jesus provide the needed strength and capability.

Nevertheless, Cinny IS a repentant WS, whether or not it's "too late" now. And she is the only one of them that is posting here, so we are trying to help her as best we can, knowing that the eventual "outcome" is in the hands of her husband (he has the right to a divorce if he so chooses) and in the hands of God (who WILL be looking out for Cinny's best interest in this matter no matter what her husband decides). Should they attempt recovery, I can attest that God will be there for them as they each surrender their fears and feelings to Him because they are both Christians. It WILL seem like a "deep dark valley" as they begin (as it does right now), but Psalm 23 is a promise of God to them as they surrender and let Him lead.

God bless.

I just wanted to let you all know that I have read your responses and I will try to write more detail later. My students are in the middle of a test so I can't spend too long at the computer.

Kloe...I just wanted to let you know that no one is trying to bash my H and I am not looking for that. I am not trying to minimize the fact that I seriously betrayed my H. I recognize that.

But even my H recognized how his own actions don't always reflect how he is feeling and how hard that makes things for me.

Just because I hurt my H doesn't mean I don't have the right to be hurting as well. And I am. So I come here to vent, look for advice, and get support. Not my bash my H.

Ok, my day is finally over. All of the kids have gone home and I can actually sit down and respond to everyone.

NTL ... not feeling all that great today. Still upset about my parents. I sent my mom an e-mail to let her know how hurt I was and I haven't heard back from her, which is pretty unusual. And I don't think H is trying to string me along. He told his friend that he does want to spend time with me and he understands that acting that way makes things harder for me. I don't think he intentionally doesn't tell me where his head and his heart is.

Kloe ... a little pet peeve that I feel the need to correct. I'm not cindy. Cinny is actually some random nickname that my H gave me somehow from Alyson. People say "cindy" all of the time, including my mom, and it bugs me. Ok, got that of the way. Phew! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
I think I pretty much responded to the rest of what you said. I am not trying to trivialize his trauma. Just trying to get my feelings out in order to get advice. If I truly wanted to somehow minimize or trivialize what he was going through, I wouldn't have told all of the details of my story. But I am here for honest support and advice in order to make my M better.

Forever...thanks! It is good to see you posting back on my thread!

Hi Cinnymd,
I hope you know that I would be the last person to bash a WS. I totally identify with the pain he has been put through. I just think that at some point it is important to either decide to work on the marriage, which requires a leap of faith with Jesus and both feet, or to have the courage to say, "I don't know if I can ever forgive this. I need to decide that before I can commit to working on this marriage." I'm not saying you don't deserve to experience any pain brought on by your actions at all, just that I see the back & forth and I can also imagine that is painful - he sounds hopeful one minute, divorce lawyers the next...

So your Mom isn't speaking to you, what is up?

NTL

My parents haven't spoken to me in about a month now. In a nutshell, they asked me to choose them over my H and in the process disrespect my H. I told them that as long as we are married, he will always come first. My parents aren't Christian so they don't really understand "leave and cleave." And so they haven't talked to me. Occassionally, I have gotten a short e-mail or two regarding the situation, but that is it.

And apparently they took it so far as to not tell me that my Dad had surgery. It was important enough to tell other people, but not me. Ouch.

And I never thought you were bashing my H.

Man, I was getting ready for work this morning and I just started thinking about everything that is going on. I completely broke down and started crying. The thought of divorce being a real possibility just absolutely kills me.

(((((((((((((cinny)))))))))))))))

I'm sorry...

Thanks for the hugs ... again. I don't know why I have felt so down lately. More than usual.

If this is the amount of pain that I am going through right now, I can't even begin to imagine my H's pain.