And thanks to Believer and Pep too! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

stungalong,

I really understand your frustration, I really do. I drastically changed who I was. I was a control freak, now I just have minor control issues that I catch myself at from time to time <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I'm even letting a repair shop work on my car, that's how much control I wanted, I did a lot of things for myself because I didn't trust others to meet my standards.

It will drive folks away.

I was frustrated because I was doing most of the right things, eliminated most of my LB's and tried my best to meet the EN's of a WW that moved out.

It wasn't enough and we are divorced now.

Funny, it was her that picked me up tonight when I dropped off the car at the shop and brought me home. (Ok, I still own two cars, so I have a spare car <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> )

Do I wish I could have convinced her to end her affair and come home? Sometimes. Other times, I believe I'm better off with seeing her once every other week or so, and having little to do with her.

The funny thing is that she still tries to control me. Our marriage was more of a power struggle the past few years than it was a love story. She got what she wanted, a divorce, but yet she still wants to control me. She wants to control when I get to see our daughter, etc.

That's good, her actions will destroy any remaining romantic love that might linger on for her. She can have her OM who is about 20 years older than her, and is a cheater as well.

I hope it works really well for her for about 11-12 years and then when my daughter is out of her home, I hope it all falls apart for her so she can experience the pain she brought to me.

Well, I don't hope that everyday, but you get the idea.

But take it from me, an recovering control freak, control is poison to a loving relationship. It's a fantasy, just like the affair, just like porn, just like romance novels.

Fantasy isn't real, but it can damage a real marriage.

T

This is me! We are cut from the same cloth! And I realize the damage this can cause, especially to someone like WH. The trouble is, we have a wee DD who suffers from a serious chronic illness and I am TERRIFIED that something could happen to her if I don't control her environment. This has been a COLOSSAL LB for WH. But how can I back off from protecting her, expecially in view of the path WH has chosen? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

. . . and, as a good friend pointed out, at least if WH and I are together, I'll have some control over DD's environment. If we embark on Plan D, I'll have NO control at least half of the time. So, this adds a worrisome twist to the usual, garden variety MB protocol, doesn't it? What's a worried, control freak of a mom supposed to do?

Stung - So you have good reason to want control. There is nothing wrong with that.

Control over DD's environment is a natural desire, and as believer said, there is nothing wrong with wanting to protect her.

T

Oops - I don't think I edited this quite right. Sorry for the repeat post. Mind a selfish moment? I'm feeling miserable and sorry for myself tonight. Went to a family party last night with WH and noticed how happy everyone else seemed. WH and I couldn't have been farther apart and when I approached him ONCE to ask him where DD was, he seemed annoyed. I made an effort to dress well and look nice, but actually felt like I looked old and worn. Probably because I am. I truly think I've aged about ten years since DDay No. 1 a year ago . . . I also found a new cell no. that he has called only occasionally in the lest few months, but that I know belongs to a young, pretty woman he works with. I can't prove anything with the limited number of calls, but the alarms sure went off. He's headed on a golf trip with his buddies next week (one of whom is recently D and probably encouraging WH that that is the way to go) and I am thinking of telling him I need to know whether or not he is going to make a commitment to our M before he goes. He has been waffling for six months. I know it's not Plan B/MB protocol, so please don't whack me with a 2 x 4, but at least it puts the ball back in his hands. What do you think?

<< b u m p e d >>

Help? Is this a dumb move? He changed his cellphone bill password today as well . . . I just don't think I can take any more of this.

Anyone here care to throw me a bone? My misery is really starting to set in. DD threw up a couple of times because of the treatment she's on, and so I spent another evening, alone, cleaning up. WH is at work, but the truth is, he's never here for me when I need him the most. I can't even call him for support, because he'll think I'm weak and complaining. I remember spending another evening alone with DD while she threw up and then discovered he had been on his cell with OW #1 at the same time . . . Wouldn't we (DD and I) just be better off on our own? Wouldn't it be easier on DD now if we D, while she's little? I really don't see much hope. And how can I Plan B if we have to be at the hospital regularly with DD?

What is your financial situation? Can you get by on your own?

Believer! [Big Hug] Yes, I can get by on my own. I would have to move, though, because the mortgage is too big for my salary alone.

Okay, that is good. But you would hate to lose your home.

Has your husband every been a good guy, and tried to meet your needs?

Yes, I would hate to lose it. On the other hand, it is a place where I have been sad and lonely much of the time. WH is puzzling. He has had 2 PA's in the last 18 months. We have both been very stressed because of DD's illness and other events. I really think that he just can't share a life with someone. He is very independent. So, unfortunately, he hasn't met my EN's for a long, long time. I did ask him to read HN/HN, but I check from time to time and he's been on the same page for weeks!

A child's illness will cause problems in the marriage. That is very common.

You might want to file for a seperation and see if you can force him out, and get some temporary support. It sounds like he doesn't really think you mean business.

So does it make sense to ask him about his commitment to the M before his trip, or should I just proceed to Plan B? I am worried about keeping NC with him in Plan B because of DD's situation.

I would stop asking him about his commitment to the marriage. Just let him go. He obviously is doing his own thing, and not worrying about you and his daughter.

Plan B will be impossible with him in the home, and he doesn't sound like he is going to leave. You shouldn't leave.

I would see an attorney about forcing him to live somewhere else.

Okay. Thanks, Believer. I really appreciate your thoughts.