W/H will be home from business trip today. The cell bill came in right before he left, he saw where I had circled all of his seven text-messages to o/w in red and has called me more than usual since. These were made the day after discovery date. When I had talked to administrator of facility that day, she said the o/w said w/h has still been calling o/w, but she has been screening her calls and won't pick up. O/W also said he is using many different phones to call in hopes that she would answer.
I need advice from experienced posters on how to confront my husband, and express my boundries with him.
P.S. When I told him that o/w had told administrator that she had said he was still calling, he denied this. This was last Tuesday. I don't think he has contact with her the past couple weeks, the flurry of activity was in the first week of no contact agreement.

I don't understand what the question is. The affair is over NOW...HERE AND TODAY RIGHT...and he is in STRICT NC right? I would just tell him what you know in a calm manner and reaffirm the importance of strict NC.

I hate to seem insensitive, but if a Wayward is going to cheat, he is going to cheat. You have to just keep your eyes and ears open. Sadly I have a sneaking suspicion that your WH was not being tottaly on the up and up with you about NC and that this affair was proabbly alot more involved that you think (or that he has admitted to). If I were you, I would assume it was a PA, and assume he has tried to be in contact untill you start to see the withdraw signs that so many talk about here. Reaffirm your boundaries with him (but be honest here, what are you going to do if you find out he has crossed your boundaries again?)Besides tell him that his actions "hurt you".

Goodluck.

I am sorry that I cannot be more helpful, I guess I just don't know your story enough.

Lem

I think I would just leave the phone bill laying around with the numbers circled, and see if he says anything.

Hi Believer, actually I did just that right before he left. He asked what I was doing and I told him looking at the cell bill. When he came back into the room I had circled the numbers of him text-messaging in bright red. He saw it. But didn't acknowledge it. Instead he made up funny excuses to call me three times before bedtime and then called me this morning at 5:30

Dear Lemonman,
Not only did he make those calls but he lied to me when I mentioned that o/w had said the calls hadn't stopped. I just need for him to be honest with me. Honesty is all I want.

believer, that to me would be a CA action...

As said before, LemonMan and I are in agreement on this one...this is a man that has not yet come clean. The continued exposure of more lies, more cover-ups...all of it screams ALOT more to the story.

What can you do? Wow...you have a ton of options. Stop and really think about them. List them out. Then figure out which plan looks best. You have begun part of the process, did you ever expose to OW husband, like was recommended (I think in another thread)? No better way to help kill it off than that. How would I start it off personally, I'd start making him take care of his mother. It's not a punishment thing, it's simply more his job and responsibility than it is yours... and why should you have to do all the leg work for this. Finally, I would explain to him, that he made decisions in that home that had consequences, and part of those are that his mom doesn't get the perky happy place anymore...she has to go to a place that helps you and your marriage maintain the no contact agreement... with no exceptions.

But, I'm feeling rather confrontational right now....

Hi KDS,
I completely understand the feelings of RookKev and Lemonman about WH--proceed with CAUTION! That said, I'm getting a strange vibe off your presentation of this OW. She has violated multiple moral and ethical boundaries, and her side cannot be trusted either. It is not in her personal best interest for you to believe that WH is sincere about the M and not the A. It is not in her professional best interest for you to have evidence of her attempts to contact your H. Text messaging is a two way street. What did she text, and did she text first? If I could somehow put myself into her desperate shoes, (which, thankfully are three sizes too small for me!), I would text WH with something like, "Your Mom had a great day, thought you should know." Then WH could text back, "Thanks." and be busted for sending texts. See what I mean? Her interests are the opposite of your interests. I think by looking at the continued presence of that photo on her desk, she still has VERY STRONG feelings for your H. Don't trust that it's a one-way street.
WH needs to see that if his texts are innocent, he is doing the M no favors by concealing them. (Of course they should stop, but he should be honest in any event.)
Have you kept the pressure on her administrator? Talk to MIL, and see if contact with MIL is continuing at an inappropriate level. OW really WANTS you to LB your H. Take a breath and realize in your situation, the OW took advantage using her profession, which is truly low. Usually, the OW is just that: another woman. In this case, she also is in charge of your MIL's quality of life.

With all due respect...............THIS IS ABOUT HER WH....NOT THE OW...You mentioned the "OW" like 50 times in your post....this isn't about the OW here. The WH has to do his part and give kds honesty.....NOT THE OW !!!!!!!!Why are you trying to place so much focus on the OW here? It goes without saying that the OW is a liar and cheat and should not be trusted...so what !, the poster is married to to the WH..not the OW.

The fact that you even "try" and trivialize the WH texts as potentially "innocent" baffles me. Look, I know about the strong hatred of the "other woman/man" here and the biased hate of them, and the need to put the blame on them...but come on now. Lets get real here.

Please don't misinterpret my tone here imanotherone, I do not mean to single you out here and am not directing this solely at you per se, but this situation is where it is, because the WH has continued to be dishonest, and lie, and cheat, AND the BS has not fully exposed this affair.

When you do things half a$$ed, you get half A$$ed results.

This is not a rip on KDS, she is in no doubt emotional shambles over this, but lets cut all of the political "correctness" and BS and put it on the table. The consequences of everyone's (KDS, WH, OW) actions are playing out here.....the only one who had no say in any of this is getting the biggest shaft of all....the MIL !

This is sad. I feel very sorry for KDS, but if there is one thing I have learned with all of this infidelity $hit, it is that all of us are 100% responsible for our lives and for what happens to us. If you take that motto in life, you cannot go wrong. In the end, the outcomes of your life are solely ON YOUR OWN SHOULDERS.

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Lem,
I think you might not understand my POV on this one. If you go back into my earlier posts, before even revealing the A to my WH, I am usually very apathetic about the OW. If you look WAY BACK on my posts, you'll see that 20 years ago, I was an uneducated/unwitting? OW myself. I really hold NO ANIMOSITY toward my WH's OW. I didn't marry her, right? Go back and look...I created quite a stir with my comments.

This is different.

As I said, I'm getting a really bad vibe about the way this OW is manipulating the situation. Telling the admin that WH is pursuing her, but keeping his photo on her desk at work. What the He!! is that? Talking to the MIL, getting into the family dynmamic of a distraught family? This is not an ignorant woman,,, this is EVIL.

Look back at my early comments in August and you'll see that I have NEVER taken an adverarial position about the OW. It's not just about the WH, it's about his MOTHER!!!! What Christain man in this world would not be vulnerable to a woman who has "inside access" to a diminished capacity mother?
LEM...look, I'm not excusing the A. I'm not excusing the WH. I'm just saying that KDS has another dynamic that the rest of us don't have to deal with. Hope this helps.

I understand where you are coming with all of this, but IMVHO, I say SO WHAT??? SO what that she keeps a picture on her desk?, who cares that she told the administartors that the Wayward is doing all of the persuing.....this doesn't change any of the facts that KDS husband is continuing to lie, and cheat, and is NOT at all doing his part to aid in KDS and the marriage recovery.

I do not think that the dynamics here are any different than any other situation we read about. Yes, the OW is "evil" and manipulative but not any more "evil" and manipulative than the Wayward, so what does it matter?. If I may use a medical analogy..........a person has cancer.....what the heck does it matter if we find 6 "spots" on the lung rather than 4....treatment is still the same.....In this case, the OW can be as manipulative as she wants and hang as many pictures in her office as she wants, but IF THE WH does his part in NC...it won't matter. The cell phone bills and other evidence do NOT lie. You can ignore everything that the OW says....doesn't matter...the Wayward is still not being honest here, and untill he is.....nothing changes.

We may be saying the same thing here, who knows. I don't think it really matters at all what the OW says here. The evidence more than implicates the Wayward here....

Know what I mean?

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Lem, yes I see what you mean.

Now, what if the oncologist that tells the patient s/he has 6 spots, also uses his influence to tell patient that s/he is oddly, madly attracted to patient, or patient's child? Then we have an extraordinary twist.
Most OW or OM are just thrill seekers or empty folks looking for love in all the wrong places. When a psychiatrist approaches his patient, or a teacher approaches her student, the rules DO change. See what I mean?

Yes WH is responsible for his actions. However, there are forces manipulating the situation beyond WH and BS. That's the "icky" feeling I'm getting about this OW. Maybe someday the WH will see what kind of a truly dispicable person he sought in his moment of weakness. I think there is room for redemption here for the WH.

Sure, take it to the WH, but remember that OW might be trying to twist the truth to her favor.

I still disagree with you..........LOL.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />but that is infact the reason the board is what it is. Lets just agree that we see it differently.....and see what others think.

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

hmmm...i dont think KDS's OW is any more evil than the average boring stupid manipulative OW.

There's nothing special here. her husband is simply still having an affair. He's 100% responsible.

KDS ~ what do you want to accomplish?

Hi, I'm back from helping mil with dinner and bed. W/H came home, all happy, (since the phone bill came in exceptionally friendly) I got food out to cook, and casually showed him the text-messages and phone calls. He took one look at those and cussed and raised his voice, yelling that this was one month ago, and he was not in contact now with o/w. I told him, I was not his jailer, that he was free to call, text message or see o/w, but if he chooses that he needs to move out. He then yelled he was tired of this crap and was going to move out.
I never once raised my voice when talking to him, or lost my cool. It sounded like he said I could move out anytime. I then said no, you can move out. He said fine. Then he said he didn't want any dinner, I said fine, put the food in the frig and walked in the other room.
Personally, he's lying. Still denying, denying, and denying. Hiding behind anger and trying to bully me into dropping that he contacted her.
Also, just wanted those to know that didn't see earlier posts, I moved mil last weekend to new place. She is settling in nicely.

kds ~ thats the reaction of a man still in contact.

update:
I went to be early tonight around 7:45 p.m. He never came to bed, instead choosing to go sleep in guest bedroom. Where do I go from here. I know that he doesn't want to be in the second bedroom, anymore than I want him to be.
I won't be married to somebody that sleeps in another bed in the same house. I would rather have him move out.
What should I do now????

U already said what you should do..... if there is even a hint of contact, he needs to move out. Your reasons t/g to plan B are greater now than before. They don't have to be for blatant flaunting contact. Any contact is enough to sent a BS to plan B, PROVIDING, the BS is ready.

R u ready?

L.

I don't know,Orchid, if I'm ready for plan B yet. When he has to be out of town, I do find a little solice in his absence. I feel more peaceful while he's gone. I'm definately not ready to throw in the towel. I believe the o/w is a dead end street and wants her marriage and job more than the complications of w/h. I feel w/h has become a liability, and the benefits no longer outweigh disadvantages.
I want to work on communicating with w/h and get to a point where we can have a rational conversation without him trying to bowl me over with his anger and intimidation. I shut down when he does that and I retreat. This is something that w/h and husband has done for years with me. I need to get strong enough to face the intimidation, and be able to speak regardless of his manner.

Talked to w/h this morning. He said he was upset that it was the same old ****. He said it,"Its never enough", meaning, no matter what he does it is never enough for me. I have listened to this broken record for months now. He usually says this when I want to discuss something of conflict.
He said that I shouldn't have brought up the cell phone text-messages and calls due to the fact they were just after discovery of EA . One day after. I will give him that.
I asked him why he thinks o/w would have said that he has been still trying to contact her to administrator. He said he has no idea why, maybe to get back at me for the trouble or pain I have caused her, (???????? scrathing head in disbelief)
OMG!!!
Can you believe that line??????
I will be keeping my eyes and ears open. I will honestly say that the past couple of weeks he has all the appearance of NC.
As much as I hate confrontations, there are certain things I cannot let slide because I never want to give my w/h the idea that I will gloss things over and bury my head in the sand, for example, the cell phone record. Even though the contacts were made the day after discovery, I knew from the way w/h was acting (extremely nice and feeling guilty) when he saw me reading the cell phone bills, and all the calls that he made to me following after seeing me with the bill. Man I feel like this is a fight and I'm in round three. Ding, Ding, goes the bell.

kd...

What makes you believe this about the OW? Are you 100% sure that there is NC? What about going to Radio Shack and purchasing a voice activated tape recorder for his car, just to make sure?

Mrs. Wondering