SM, if the affair ends, they would not be able to end contact if they work together. That means your marriage will never recover as long as they see each other every day. My point is that a workplace exposure would ensure they couldn't carry on the affair in the open at work and would pressure one of them to leave. Your H can get another job, he can't get another marriage. The exposure targets at work are usually the WS' boss and the HR department. If they find out NOW that there is an affair going on, they will be less likely to hire the OW and back out now.


The fact that your H goes with them makes it an even better exposure target. I would call them up and make sure they understand a) there is an ongoing affair, and b) your H is married with a new baby and has left you for this affair. That will put great pressure on the affair. Don't leave it to rumors, make sure they get the full truth.

And yes, your H will be angry, but that's ok. Your marriage will survive some anger, it won't survive an affair.

SM...

You might also remind him that he put himself in his present awkward position...You aren't responsible for hiding his affair for him... Perhaps, he should have taken your feelings, his baby's feelings, and those feelings of family and friends into consideration before he CHOSE to become an adulterer...

As Melody pointed out, your marriage can survive your husband's anger, but it CANNOT and WILL NOT survive an ongoing affair! I applaud you for taking a stand to fight for your family, but you must do EVERYTHING within your power to make it a fruitful fight...EXPOSURE is your most powerful tool in busting up this affair and allowing for the survival of your intact family. I know that exposure isn't comfortable or convenient, but the costs involved for you and your dd if you don't expose are to immeasurable to name.

You can do this SadMommy!!!


Mrs. Wondering

H will be coming over tonight to see DD. Any suggestions for me? What should I do?

SM...

Have you read Surviving An Affair by Dr. Willard Harley? If you haven't, please get it and begin reading it immediately.

What are you plans for exposure? It will be impossible for you to work on or recover your marriage while your H is involved in an affair...

Perhaps you may find the post below helpful about what to do tonight, etc....This is the third time that I've posted this in two days, others will think that I'm a broken record, but I really love this post by Pepperband about Plan A & the "carrotstick"...

Mrs. Wondering

H just left. Here's what happened... He came in as I was feeding DD. I made sure that I looked/smelled nice and that the house was clean. I had a CD that we both like playing, plus a homey smelling candle burning in the kitchen. He came in and offered to take over feeding DD, so I went to the grocery store to have some time to breathe.

When I came back, we got DD in bed, and I went to the kitchen to start fixing bottles for tomorrow. He followed me in there and asked if we could set up a time to talk. "Talk about what?" I asked. He said he is looking at a place tomorrow and asked if I had been to the bank again to see about refinancing the house in my name. I told him I hadn't yet.

I then went into what HardHead suggested. I told H that something he said Saturday really got me thinking, that bit about what happened to the girl he fell in love with. I told him I had been thinking a lot and realized that I had been hurting him by taking him for granted, for being too comfortable, for not appreciating everything he does for DD and me. I told him how very sorry I am about it. He looked touched and a little surprised. Then I said I believe in my heart that I can be the wife he deserves. He kind of sighed a little bit when I said that. I then said that I know things can change, and I am working on myself, whether he notices or not.

He then said, so you don't want to set up a time to talk? I replied, not about the house, and I asked him to think about what I said. He then said he was at least going to look at the place tomorrow. I told him that if he needed some time away to think about things, I understood.

He got ready to leave. I told him that I knew that whatever happened, DD and I would be OK, but I really would prefer for us to share our lives with him as a family again. He said, "If nothing else, I really appreciate the way you're being civil." When I asked him what he meant, h said I'm acting a lot more stable than I was Saturday.

I explained that I had gotten that phone call right before he came over. I then said, whatever it is with her, I can forgive you b/c I understand now that something had been missing here. He then said very softly, yeah. And then, see you Wednesday. (He'll be here while I go to dance class that night.)

I feel like I did things right...any thoughts?

SM05, Nobody here could have done better. Give yourself an A+. You are WAY COOL.

Don't rush into anything with your house. No real need to make his life nice and tidy too quickly. Others with more experience will have better advice about what to do about your house.

Consider what MelodyLane said about exposing to HR at your husband's work so that they will not complete the hiring process for her. You have an unprecedented opportunity to remove them from each other's presence.

But, it's a difficult decision and one where common sense says that he will harbor resentment and anger over your action.

I'll let others speak on that, as I know nothing regarding the pros and cons of exposure.

Sleep well, this is just another day in a long journey.

They get over it. What they don't get over is an ongoing affair.

*

What does * mean? And on a side note, is there a thread somewhere that explains the abbreviations? I can figure most of them out, but I don't know what DJ means.

Also, be proud. This morning, DD woke up with an ear infection, so I called H to say we were going to the doctor. He said to let him know if I needed him to do anything. Even though I was thinking, "What we need is for you to come home," I said, "Thanks. I think we're OK."

It's going to be very hard to drop all talk of R or M unless he brings it up, and especially painful thinking about him looking today at a house to rent. All I can do is pray there's some spark in him that was fanned when I said what I said last night.

It's only been three weeks, and I'm so tired already. I don't know how much longer I can do this.

SM,

I think that the * was just HardHead's way of bumping your thread to the top so that you would get additional input.

Here is a link to the commonly used acronyms around here. DJ=Disrespectful Judgements

SM, you really do have to be proactive where this A is concerned...you can't just wait and hope that something that you say will get through...that just won't happen...people in A's are not who they once were, you have to view your H as an alien right now...no kidding...I don't want to seem harsh, and alienate you, but time is of the essence here, so I am going to be blunt...

Your next step here MUST be the exposure of this Affair...Affairs don't survive the light of day, you have to burst the bubble, and let reality seep in...If you want the chance to recover your marriage, exposure IS necessary, your husband will get over his anger, your marriage won't survive his affair...your H can get another job, he can't get another you...Yes, expose to HR at his place of business to stop the hiring process of OW...I know that exposure isn't comfortable, and you are scared of losing your H for sure...SM, look around, you've already lost him, the only thing you have left is exposure, and it is a very POWERFUL tool when it comes to ending affairs...make using this tool from your arsenal top priority if you want your family intact...look at your baby girl, and tell her you are fighting to keep her family together, promise her you will do whatever it takes to give her the advantage of having two married parents to love and raise her together, and then do it...EXPOSE THIS AFFAIR...Why aren't you doing this?

Mrs. Wondering

Edited to add...SM, look at my signature below, I am the FWS, so when I tell you that the stuff that you say to H while in is in the throes of an affair won't get through, sadly, I really do know what I am talking about...

I just have a feeling it could really blow up in my face. I don't want to give him any more reason to believe that I am the crazy, vindictive b---- he has already accused me of being. I need some time to think about this...

SM...

What is the WORST possible outcome if you expose? and if you don't?

Mrs. Wondering

He is just feeding you FOG BABBLE...this is something that your WH has come up with to rationalize and justify his affair...it also helps to keep you in line...

It's working for him too, you are allowing him to continue the affair unobstructed...worry less about what he "believes" and says, and concentrate on his actions, and what they are doing to your family...SM, please bust up this affair by exposing it...

Mrs. Wondering

I am not an expert but want to keep the dialogue going as an exploration for SM05's benefit.

If she does expose, does she have to admit to exposing?

Could it be done anonymously, so that she could have deniability? Or, is that counterproductive?

Please understand that SM05 hasn't had the benefit of reading all of the various stories here.

Regards

I don't see how it could be anonymous. It's a very small company in a very specialized field.

Do you want to be right or do you want to be married?

EXPOSE ----EXPOSE ---- EXPOSE

I can't remember who said the quote up top but it makes the most sense in here I feel .....

Being married = exposure and PlanA and B

Being right = Being alone

Your choice !!!!! Don't worry about how mad he may get or any of that garbage , he will get over it .....

You may not see it now but when/if you recover your M he will thank you ......

HurtingInOkla and MelodyLane,

I can see that you feel strongly about the course of action to expose. Do you think you could give SM05 some names of some folks here who have exposed and been successful?

Perhaps SM05 could read those threads, see her own confusion and fear in these other folks, and then come to an informed, rather than a pressured decision.

hard Head,

For most every sucessful recovery I have read on this site, all of them exposed big time. As far as names I can't think of any right off the top of my head but I would suggest looking through some olds post starting from way back and just read. Thats what I have done and i saw alot of good stories and recoveries.

I exposed to everyone I knew. Family,friends, and even WH's co-workers. No I am not a sucess story yet( I hope to be) but the key thing about it was. It put pressure on the affair.

All of our family mine and his and all of our friends have let it be known to WH his actions are very wrong. You bet he didn't likee it but to bad. It has made it harder for them to justify anything. The one good thing from it so far is my WH's family is behind me 100%... The OW is not welcome in the family and she knows it.She was told point blank by his mother never to darken their door. So even though the A continues for now it is not a very pretty thing for them. They have no support at all.

IN fact my WH has quit his job to go back out on the road as a OTR driver to be able to get away and think. He has admitted he is confused and does not know what he wants and I do believe exposure has played a very big role in how he feels. He thought everyone would be behind him well he found out differently very quick .

So IMHO if you don't expose you will allow the Affair to stay in the dark and they will suffer no consequences from it. Exposure makes it difficult for them to justify and be accepted. Its just a matter of time before all the negativity will start the downward spiral of making the affair unattractive.

These are MHO of course but so far its made my WH's affair look sorrid to everyone and he does not like it.... I do know one thing he is starting to suffer the consquences of it and it shows in his actions and face..... The man has aged and gotten alot grayer in the last 3 months ...

Hardhead, most of the successful people here HAVE exposed, it is a critical element of Plan A. [go read BobPure, Mimi, Mortarman] Steve Harley has recommended "doing everything short of taking out a billboard." I can't think of any successful ones who haven't though.

Affairs thrive on secrecy, so exposure is ruinous. While we know that exposure can hasten the death of the affair, we have had many situations where the affair was ended THAT DAY once exposed. And this is because exposure forces the affairees to see themselves through the eyes of others when asked to explain. It takes all the fun out of the fantasy by shining the spotlight of reality into the affair and causes great conflict in the affair.

The biggest mistake a BS can make is to help the WS hide their affair. This is simply contributing to the demise of the marriage.

And yes, the WS will be furious. However, a marriage can survive anger, it cannot survive an affair. An affair will lead to divorce, anger will not. So I am always surprised when I hear a frightened BS say they are "afraid" of exposure, because what they should really be afraid of is DIVORCE.

And of course it shouldn't be done anonymously? How would you take credit for it if done anonymously? The WS needs to know that you did it and that you will do what it takes to save your marriage from the sure death of an affair.

Hardhead, the reason we feel strongly about it is because we have seen it's success over the years and because it is a recommended course of action by professional counselors at Marriage Builders. I realize you are a newcomer yourself and not familiar with MB principles, but perhaps you should do some reading yourself before you offer help to newcomers?

I am not trying to be rude but she is here to learn the Marriage Builders program and that is what we are trying to help her with. Can you help her learn this program and reinforce, instead of cast doubt, on its tried and true principles?