Sad Mommy -

Was great meeting you & your little one!! I hope you arrive home safely. I know you had a long drive. Let us know what the Attorney said tomorrow. And consider a possible Plan B.

Take Care!

Kim

I met the attorney this morning, and it sounds like he would be very aggressive in protecting the rights of DD and me. He said that while it is great that H says he wants to go uncontested, he said very few cases actually go that way. Said that many times, a couple will say they want things to go uncontested and then can't agree. He's only done ONE uncontested. He asked me what I wanted, and I told him that more than anything, I want my H to come home, but it looks like that isn't going to happen, so I want to make sure DD and I are protected.

This guy works with one of the better firms in town and said I could pay him what I can upfront to get things started. I told him I'd have to call him after I do some more thinking.

I'm still feeling conflicted. On one hand, I truly want H to come home, but on the other hand, I don't see how I could possibly trust him again if he DID come back. I know myself and how I handle things, and it could never be the same. It would eat at me every time he was a little late from work and every time he went outside to talk on the phone. I would be so paranoid, and I don't want to live that way. It wouldn't be good for either of us, let alone poor little DD. Besides, the chances of him wanting to reconcile are very, very slim. He has said his mind is made up, and once that happens, he always sticks to his guns.

I know you guys are encouraging me to go with Plan B instead of filing, but right now, I'm leaning more toward filing. I have to regain some control over this situation for the sake of my sanity and for DD. I feel like it's going to happen anyway, so why not do it on my terms?

Hi SM05 -

It was a pleasure meeting you and DD.

From my experiences, I would have the following questions:

Did you discuss a legal separation which would force a hearing within 30 days to assure you and DD are protected and taken care of financially? I would think it good to do that whether you go to Plan B or not.

And...there will be 6 months (minimum) between filing for a divorce and the actual decree. Sometimes (it seems to me) that a FILING for a divorce can be rolled into the Plan B concept as if to say "I really mean it, I ain't just fooling around".

You and H have a long history together, not to mention a child. If, and I know that is a BIG if, he "repents", I would really like to see you work with him on restoration.

Just my thoughts here....

Georgia

The procedure for LS is the same, and it wouldn't protect me as much financially as a D.

Besides, I have a feeling it's going to come to D whether I want it to or not. Very scared right now...

I just feel like H is gearing up to file against me. I haven't done anything that he could hold against me by posting on here, have I? Is it bad that I've driven by the apartments a few times? He couldn't say I'm stalking him, could he??

I know you're scared, we can all relate to those feelings.

You've not done anything wrong that he can hold against you. However, for your own peace of mind, I'd stop the "drive-by's". You're not going to discover anything that would help you in any way, only hurt you.

Whichever route you choose, I would suggest it is your best interest to get to the 30 day hearing ASAP. I am ASSUMING that he is the CHIEF bread winner.

Also, you need to be on guard regarding things that may be in HIS name that he could sell right out from under you, such as your car.

We all want to say he / she would never do that...but WS's don't think the way they used to. Don't assume you know what he is / is not capable of doing at this point.

Georgia

FYI;

I originally went to one of the prestigious firms in my hometown and that lawyer was trying to steer me straignt into getting a Divorce...

This was true although I was clear with him that I only wanted a Legal Separation... He also wanted me to become so divisive with my FWH that reconciliation would not have been possible..

Furthermore, he tried to rip me off...

I felt that he tried to swindle me and I ran out of his office..

I ended up finding a lawyer who wrote up a legal separation agreement that I felt comfortable with and my H signed...

Take great care with these lawyers...

Don't make hasty decisions at this point..

Your H sounds absolutely no different than mine did...

My H said his "mind" was "made up"..."face it, it's over", moved in with the OW, etc.

We've been happily recovered for 2 years....

SM05 -

Needless to say, I am Mimi's #1 Fan.....

listen to what she has to say, it applies to your sitch too.

Georgia

SadMommy, you know I don't believe your WH when he says it's over.

However, I did a Plan D that worked great for us. I was writing the letter to the atty to pull the D within 2-3 months of filing, no problem.

However, my atty was a woman, not he[lbent on $ or getting me divorced. She was very laid back, took everything in stride, was calm, unexcitable and experienced. JUST WHAT I NEEDED.

Division of propery - "Wait a few months to talk about that until things have calmed down"

Child support - "I don't blame you for wanting to be in line before OW (pregnant")

Just great. You do NOT have to go with the first atty you talk to. They should not be pushing you into things you aren't ready for. You should primarily feel from them, I think, that they are extrememly experienced with ALL KINDS of outcomes, including RECOVERY! Ask them how many couples they have filed D for that then w/d the D. They still make their money.

Keep posting!

MSA

Nope, not a chance unfortunately. H does plan to file. He told me he hired an attorney and planned to file as soon as he had a chance to tell me about it, which he did tonight.

I found out b/c after we got DD to bed, I asked him, "Are you sure you really want this?" He said yes. I asked him how he can be so sure, and he said it was b/c he knows its the right thing to do. I asked him how he can be so sure, but he wouldn't give me an answer. So I asked him what his plans were. He said, "Regardless of how this ends, I want us to be on good terms for DD."

"What do you mean, regardless of how this ends? Have you talked to that attorney again?"

He said yes and asked me if I had talked to any. I told him that I had gotten a few referrals but attorneys are very expensive and I can't afford one. "Why, have you hired one already?" He looked down and said he had. I then asked, "So, you're planning to file then? When?" He said as soon as he had the chance to tell me about it. "And when was that going to be?" He said, "I just did."

I then said that I wasn't ready for this, that he's not respecting my need for time in this. He said he tried to sit down and talk with me about it three times. "When I was in the middle of the crisis," I asked. He said the last time was "a month after he left." As if the crisis only lasts a week or two! "What am I supposed to do?" I asked. He said, "You need to start to thinking for yourself."

I am so upset, hurt and ticked off right now. If he really cared about DD, wouldn't he take his time and be respectful of the situation? Why would he be trying to put the mother of his child in the poorhouse like this?

I'm so freaked out right now.

Luckily, I did end up calling the attorney back this afternoon and told him I wanted to go ahead. Thank goodness. I go see him in the morning. But here I was thinking I was regaining some control over the situation, and H is beating me to the punch. I'm sure his attorney has everything all ready and is just waiting for a phone call to file.

So... what happens now? What if he files first? What do I do? PLEASE HELP!!!

Don't get all upset. It makes no difference who files first. Sorry your husband is rushing so fast. It just shows how much in the fog he is.

Time to take care of yourself and your babies. Hold out for what you need financially from him. I'm sure he will regret this, but is too stupid to realize it right now.

((((SadMommy)))))

I am SO sorry. OMG. I really didn't expect that you would get this news. Do you know what basis he is filing on?

Do you have good evidence to show Adultery? I am afraid that since he keeps saying that they are "friends" that he is going to try to deny the Adultery.

Do you think he could be bluffing at all??

Kim

Thanks, Kim.

H isn't the type to bluff. I'm guessing he's going no-fault, since there's absolutely nothing he could get me on. I guess he might try for desertion, since he claims I neglected him? That would be very hard to prove. My attorney said I have a strong case with the evidence I have, but that we would probably need some more. When I said I couldn't afford an investigator, he said we'd have to get creative.

I'm so mixed up right now. Trying to fill out paperwork for my attorney for tomorrow.

I've seen a list of all the stuff you have to fill out. That alone is enough to stress you out.

I think desertion is allowable when a spouse has vacated the premises for one year or more. I think.....

And how in the heck is he going to prove neglect? That would seem awfully tough.

I haven't read all of your thread....Do you have access to his cell phone records? Can you have a witness drive by with you and ID his vehicle parked at OW's overnight?? Any notes that he has written OW?

I am sure your lawyer will have some good suggestions for you.

I hope that your WH will wake up and see what he is going to lose here. Your little one is so precious.

Kim

I have phone records, b/c it's in my name. No notes, though.

Believe me, I hope and pray he'll wake up and see what he's going to lose, but I don't think that will happen for a long, long time.

((((((((((((SadMommy)))))))))))))))

I still hold out hope that he will come to his senses, but that may be after you decide to move on...

He's rushing because he thinks he's got things all mapped out to be with OW. He thinks by filing he's doing things "in the right order" - hah. As if the damage isn't already done before he files and then openly starts a relationship with OW...

My attorney's advice was good and saved us a lot of money. Get the D filed, get the c/s order and parenting time agreed upon, then let things stew for a couple of months. We did that, I filed, then we went to friend of the court for c/s and parenting and custody arrangements, then we let things sit. 2 weeks later he had quit his job, ended it with OW (even though she was pg), and was begging me to go into counseling, which I happily did when I saw he was sincere. At that point we were both more than happy to spend some money on MB coaching rather than attorneys.

I know what it's like when you yourself and everyone you know gives up hope on your marriage. That's okay, we had two friends that didn't give up on us recovering our marriage, and frankly at the time they bugged me because I had come to the point where I didn't WANT to have to reconsider it all over again, but someone's got to hold out the hope and pray for reconciliation when things seem completely bleak. That'll be me, even after the D is final, holding out hope of recovery for you and your H for your own sakes and DD's sake. You wouldn't be the first person I heard of who remarried their spouse down the line! Who knows?

One day at a time, SadMommy, one day at a time.

What are you doing for yourself right now? A person could write some good songs at a time like this... check out Lyle Lovett's "Road to Ensenada" - I know everyone thinks him & Julia Roberts had some fake weird loser marriage, but if you listen to that great divorce album, you'll see he articulates very well what it feels like when your M falls apart...

MSA

What am I doing for myself right now? Eating some ice cream and trying to get everything in order. Other than that, not much, other than breathing, which is something at least. Just worrying about how I'm going to pay for this. I can't even think about the implications of this, that we're through for good. Way too painful.

Ice Cream's a great choice!! Me?? I've had two Reese's cups and a pack of M&M's. Left over Halloween candy!!

Keep that hope and love for you H, SM. The story above is proof.....

Kim

I want to hope, and I really am inspired by some of the recovery stories on this board, but I'm too afraid to hope.

Even tonight, H was on the "you did this wrong, you did that wrong" kick, like this is all my fault. When I told him I'm not ready to go through this, he said "If you would have listened to me, we wouldn't be going through this at all." He says he tried to tell me before that he was unhappy. As I have said before, it always seemed to be about SF. I felt so much pressure from him, which made me feel like something was wrong with me. Whever we had that conversation, I told him those things.

What's really sad is that now that my pregnancy-induced hormonal freak-out is stabilizing, I feel more like myself than I have in years. (my hormones were always wacked out from the pill, not to mention the stress of losing my dad, etc. Not that I'm trying to make excuses, but these things have to be taken into context, too.) Just when I feel we're on the edge of a breakthrough in our relationship, he throws me for a loop with a breakdown. I am so crushed.

Hmmmm... what kind of ice cream???

Do you think a WH likes eating cake as much as we like ice cream??