I understand from one of our fellow posters here that when she and her H were separated, this was an issue with some guys who had been "their" friends.

You know where I'm going....just be careful.

The lawyers are finally meeting this morning at 9.... I am a ball of nerves.

(((sadmommy)))

Let go and let God.

I'm trying to do that. I pray for it every night. It's still so hard, though.

SM -

We'll be praying for you. Let us know when you find out the outcome of the lawyer meeting.

Georgia

They met. The big sticking point is visitation. H wants to fight me to the end about what I have suggested based on recommendations from the pediatrician and a well-known developmental psychologist. I'm willing to go as high as 3x/week, which is basically what he was doing, but he's still fighting me. I think it's just b/c it's MY offering and not his.

So I did a spreadsheet detailing every visit he's had with her since he left and sent to my lawyer. Found out he's only averaging an hour and half per visit, not the 2-3 hours he claims. My lawyer is going to write a letter about it... we'll probably end up in court over it. What a pain. I feel like he's doing this just to hurt me, not because he cares about DD.

I think it would be easier if he just disappeared, but I don't see that happening. Why is he being so difficult?

SM -

Are you talking about going ahead with a divorce, or is that for visitation during a Legal Separation?

Georgia

He's fighting over the temporary custody/visitation arrangement that will be in place until a divorce is final. All that time, energy and money over something temporary. I think it's crazy.

H seemed a little cowed tonight. I'm taking it as a small victory. We were talking about tomorrow when I picked DD up from his place tonight. He said he'd have her back by 9 tomorrow night. I said, "but your letter said 8:30." He said, "well, they're going to eat at 6:30, so that means I'll have to hurry and leave early." The family gathering is about 45 minutes away.

I then told him about how DD and I turned down an all expenses paid trip to spend the holiday with my dear friend in Maine so he could see DD at all on Thanksgiving. He then said, well OK, 8:30.

He then asked if I was open at all to him taking her out of the house on Xmas. I said not really, and he said he'd come see her at the house for a "short visit."

When I talked to my lawyer this morning about the visitation stuff, he said that H expecting to take DD for Thanksgiving, Xmas Eve AND Xmas afternoon is an unreasonable request and he (the lawyer) will put his foot down about it as my attorney. "He's the one who left you. There's no way he's taking her away on Christmas day."

Not to be vindictive (well, maybe a little), but I hope it really hits him tomorrow, as he's sitting there with his mom's side of the family for lunch without me or DD at his side. And then when he brings her back tomorrow night, it will be Christmasy at the house, since my brothers will help me decorate while DD is gone.

Good job Sadmommy. I hope you and DD have a good day tomorrow, have fun with the decorating.

Thanks.... you too, and everyone at MB!!

I hope it hits him too. What are YOU doing for Thanksgiving since you didn't go to Maine? I hope you & DD have a good one, despite all his fog & dysfunction.


Much love,
MSA

My bros just left. They came up around noon. They, DD and I went to the neighbors' for lunch. Then H came to get DD at 4. Hardly said one word to us. No hello, no happy Thanksgiving, nothing about his family, no "so and so said hi," nothing. Bro1 said he seemed embarassed.

After they left, bros and I went to see the new Harry Potter movie, which was very cool, btw. Came home, ate some more and decorated the tree. I'm so glad they were here to help me with it... Even though they were cracking jokes, I still cried a little. Seeing those special Christmas ornaments was hard. You know, "1st Christmas together," "1st home," etc. Didn't put any of those on the tree.

H came back with DD and STILL didn't say much to us. I asked him how she did, and he said very little. Then he left. That was all there was to it.

So very painful. Especially when I think about how much I was looking forward to this Christmas season. It was going to be so special and magical... our first with DD. And now we're going through this instead. I am just so angry at him for doing this, for busting up a family as it was just starting. How can someone be so selfish and heartless? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I hope it's killing him inside.

Hang on to those 1st ornaments. I'm hoping you still will need them next year.

Love & hugs -
MSA

I doubt he really cares. DD had another hour or so of screaming in the middle of the night last night and was really whiny this morning. Since that makes 2 nights in a row, I decided to take her to the oncall doc this morning (turns out it's just a cold, but I wanted to be sure). Called WH to tell him I was taking her. He hasn't called to check on her, and I'm definitely not going to call him back.

Mrs. S, he doesn't care one bit. It makes me really angry, as I have been here with a sick and fussy baby all weekend, and he's not here to help... he's being so selfish.

I must say I didn't handle the call very well because like a dummy, I asked him what he had been up to this weekend. He said he had been doing shopping. I asked if he'd gone alone, and he said no. I then said, oh, you went with your girlfriend. I'm sure you're at her place now. He then said we don't have anything to talk about except DD and hung up on me. Maybe he's right. I know I shouldn't have said it, but I am so angry that I don't know what to do. My problem is that I feel so helpless in all this. I feel like he is walking all over me, throwing our life together down the toilet and there's nothing I can do about it.

It still blows my mind that he is so awful... that they don't have the decency to wait until this mess is finalized. I keep thinking to myself, he'll get his, but it's so hard to let justice take its own course. I feel like there's nothing I can do, when all I want is to make him hurt like he is hurting me. But there's nothing I can say or do.

How do you handle these awful feelings without losing your sanity?

Finished Christmas shopping for DD today. Couldn't spend much, but then again, she won't need much since she's a baby! Got her some cute stuff.

I have a feeling H is going to way outspend me. Drives me crazy, as if that's some way to prove you love a child more. Sickening.

He took her shopping again today and bought a diaper bag. I asked him why, because it's pointless for him to have one when she's not with him and besides we own two. He said he wants his own so he doesn't have to "check behind me" to make sure I don't "leave out something he needs." I can't believe he insulted me as a mother like that. Come on... I'm with her practically 24/7, and I have never left out anything in that bag! I think OW probably told him to do that just to get at me. Why has he become such an awful, mean person? I pray for him every night, and so far he seems to be getting even nastier and not any nicer.

Well, I don't know about that...but either way....it seems like it worked......they (cheater and OW) did "get to you" it is ok though, any of us would feel the same.....you'll just have to keep working on giving them less "power" to influence you.

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Now am I thinking of a different SadMommy??? You DID file for divorce! That is not letting him walk all over you, that was protecting you AND DD!!! When those initial divorce filing papers come in the mail if you don't have them already like you probably did, you can at least look at them and know that you had your limits, your self-respect. Heck, there was a time I wanted to FRAME mine and hang them over our marital bed! That DOES not mean that if he changes his ways, you won't listen, it just means that you took tangible steps to keep the painful cake-eating from going on indefinitely at your expense.

I know he doesn't care right now, he is in such a fog, and although many suggest Plan B and that probably is a good idea, if you are not in Plan B, then I would continue to abide by Plan A rules when you do interact with him - no LB.

If/when he does seem to want to have some kind of heart-to-heart you may have a window of opportunity open up for some more helpful dialogue. I don't know. Have you written him letters? Does he understand that just because you filed doesn't mean this is what you wanted?

MSA

Good Morning, SM...

I know that you have filed for divorce, but have you been given a date for the "30 day hearing" yet? I understand it is called that, but not necessarily really 30 days EXACTLY.

That is when the judge will take a quick look at the bills vs. income and set temporary alimony to make sure all bills are paid. You will be legally separated after that. If your attorney hasn't discussed this with you, I would call and ask. This is very important. It has nothing to do with who is doing what to whom, it is only about finances.

I don't want to add to your confusion at this point, but I would suggest you read carefully (on the MB homepage) the philosophies behind Plan A and Plan B. I suggest that it is time for Plan B, but that is something that only you can decide.

Georgia

No, I haven't been told a date for a 30-day hearing yet. H still has a few days left to enter a formal response to my complaint. Dec. 1 will be 30 days since I filed. I wish this whole thing was over. I know I will feel better about it, that I will be better able to let go and move on, when it's finalized. In my mind, we are still married. Maybe that's why it burns me up so much that he is flagrant with OW yet still denies it to me. Example: This morning, I screwed up and got off the wrong exit, which happened to be the exit where OW lives. Before I could get to the next spot to swing a u-turn, there H was, heading to the highway from OW's place at 7:30 in the morning.

And things are so bitter and heated between us that I'm afraid to do/say anything he may be able to use against me in court.

While it's true I filed so DD and I could have some financial protection, it doesn't give us much emotional protection. I don't feel any better about what's going on. I still feel like he's walking all over me, trying to break me down emotionally. And even though I filed, or perhaps because I did, I feel like there are so many unknowns here. How long will this take? How expensive will it be? How much money will he have to pay us? How often will he be able to see DD? Will he try to take her away from me? Where will DD and I live when we have to sell the house? I'm the kind of person who likes structure, who likes to have a plan, who likes to know what's coming. And right now, there's none of that, and I feel really lost and scared. If it was just me, things would be different, but there's DD...

On the plus side, DD and I are going to become members of the church we have been attending. So there's one positive thing out of this mess. That and my mom said that I am spending more time with DD than I would have if H was still here, so the bonding we are doing will be very strong.

I haven't written him any letters, but I have told him more than once that I don't want this to happen. He's so far gone that I doubt it would mean anything to him, and I don't want to give him and OW anything else to belittle me about.

GG, I have read the stuff on both Plan A and B, and I would like to implement B, but I don't see how that's possible because of DD. There is no one who could be an intermediary. My neighbor friends, who would have been the only possibility, are moving two hours away on Wednesday. All other family and friends who are emotionally close enough to ask, live too far away. I have posted about this before, asking how it can be done in this situation, but I never got a response. Any ideas? And please don't say call a Harley... I would love to, but I can't afford it. Thanks!