LOL - My oldest son spent his first Christmas playing with the wrapping paper. He had no interest in his presents, but was fascinated by the paper. Made me wish I'd just wrapped empty boxes! He's 24 now, and is NOT interested in the paper, but what is inside. Oh, for the good old days.

I know everyone tells you this, but I hope you do enjoy your daughter while she is little. They do grow up too fast.

Sounds like a great Christmas morning! Have fun with your family.

I can't believe this $#####!

Wh comes over and I try making some small talk... as in, how's your day been? What have you been doing today? He says none of my business. Yeah, I can guess what he's been doing.

I give him a gift from DD. It's the 8x10 from her daycare pictures in a nice frame, all wrapped nicely. He says he left something out in the truck. He's out there for a few minutes and then comes in and hands me a card with a wallet-sized photo of him, DD and SIL. That hurt, b/c that was supposed to be a photo of all four of us.

He had written "Mommy" and "Love, DD" on the card. Upon closer examination, it's a re-gifted card! His sister had given it to him, so he adds that it's to me from DD. It didn't even have an envelope. What a jerk!! I'm so glad my brothers are still here.

Sorry. Sounds like he is sinking even lower. Who would have thought it?

I really shouldn't have said anything to him about the card/picture, but I did. Told him my feelings were hurt. That I knew DD wouldn't give her mommy a card from someone else. Told him that our neighbors down the street gave me two gifts, saying one was from DD. He took the card with him when he left.

Later he called me to accuse me of putting DD in the middle of things. B/c I asked him what his plans were for New Year's... I've been invited to a party and wanted to give him first shot at keeping her that night. I told him that I needed to know now if he could or not, b/c it will be hard to find a sitter for that night. He said he didn't have any plans yet, so I said, so you won't mind keeping her for a little while that night. He acted all irritated about it, so I pulled his line, "Hey, I made my plans first."

Then he says I don't want her to see him unless it's convenient for me, that he's not a babysitter. I replied with, "What are you talking about? I bend over backwards for you." Ex. I offered Mon, Wed, Sat for the temp visitation arrangement, he said he wanted Tue, Thu, Sun instead, which I gave in on. So I told him not to worry about New Years. That either I'd find somebody to do it or I won't go. It wouldn't be the first time I had to change my plans b/c WH wouldn't help. Grr. I WAS having a nice Christmas...

Whew! I survived today. Talked to my mom like three times today, the last time for over an hour. It's really hard having her out of state.

The ILs are coming tomorrow afternoon to see DD. Other than that, we have no plans for two days. Looking forward to relaxing a little...

I hope everyone here had a merry Christmas! Thank you for reading and being supportive...

((Sadmommy)) Glad you made it through the day OK.

Your WH sounds like a real putz with the card thing. Personally, I find stuff like that makes it much easier to detach from all this. For me, I am really not at all attracted to OW's boyfriend. I hate what he has turned into, we deserve better than that.

The ILs came yesterday to see me and DD. Brought me a check for $100 with a card that said, "Love Mom and Dad" Very sweet of them, but it made me sad. I was soooo good though. DIdn't say a WORD about WH, other than to ask if they had gone to visit him, too. (No, they hadn't planned on visiting him yesterday... came just to see me and DD)

DD and I went to the friend get-together last night. Had a great time, eating TONS of food and hanging with my four best friends... two from out of state. I swear, DD is a human garbage disposal. She ate almost as much as we did! Wanted to try EVERYTHING!

I go to counseling today, and WH will be here this evening to pick up DD for a couple hours.

How's it going?

Going OK, thanks for asking. WH actually brought me a list of all DD's presents from his family for the baby book like I asked him to. She got a TON of clothes which he brought over, some of which will have to be exchanged for a different size. All adorable.

I asked him what OW got for DD, and he said he didn't know b/c he hadn't seen her. I don't know whether to believe that or not. My counselor suggested there may be trouble in paradise, based on how he acted when he was here on Christmas Day.

My mom sent DD a glow worm, and we put it to use last night. She was mesmerized by the glowing face when I put her down for bed, no crying like usual. And this morning, instead of being woken up by her crying on the baby monitor, the soothing chimes of the worm woke me up instead! What a wonderful invention.

Mommy - Can you believe that I got a glow worm for my oldest son 25 years ago? YIKES! I'm old. But he loved that thing. There is something comforting for a little one to go to sleep in the dark with that glowing face.

Glad your Christmas went well. Your husband is starting to annoy me with the "babysitter" comment. He probably has to check with OW about New Years plans, and had to wiggle out of taking care of his child somehow. Hope that you get a babysitter and GO OUT.

Hi, Believer. Funny about those classic toys! Do you remember Baby Beans? Sorta similar to Glow worm... it had a beanbag body and a plastic head and a string at the neck to talk. I had one of those when I was little. "Old Baby" and I were inseperable. She went through the wash so many times that she lost her voice and has probably five or six layers of "outfits" sewn onto her by my grandma. My mom had been looking for one of those for DD, but I don't think they make them anymore. Mine is in a box somewhere.

About the babysitter comment, I'm just considering it fuel for my case. I'm sure the judge will be interested to hear about WH's opinions on parenting.

Hmm... I'm wondering what's going on. When WH came over last night with his list of DD's Christmas gifts, I asked him what OW had gotten for DD. He had told me before that she had bought a couple things for her. His reponse, "I don't know. I haven't seen her."

I don't know if that's the truth or a lie. Whatever it was, it makes me wonder about stuff... what if this is all in my head and there really ISN'T anything going on? But then I think to myself, surely there must be.

Then I start thinking, well, maybe they're on the outs, which means maybe he'll want to come home soon. If that's the case, he'll need to do some serious work. I doubt he's ever coming back, though.

Then I think, surely his attorney has advised him to cool it with her... maybe he's taking that advice?

I guess I'm just frustrated b/c things seem to be at a standstill. I know this is going to be very expensive. I just wish it was over already! I don't know what to do to speed things up toward a resolution one way or the other. I asked the attorney what we could do to get this over with, and he replied, "give him everything he wants." But at this point, there hasn't been any proposed settlement on either side. Just the temporary custody arrangement stuff.

Any words of wisdom? I feel bummed out yet freaking out, all at the same time, and it is EXHAUSTING!

Hard to say what's going on there... any chance of diffusing things with a heart-to-heart, or is everything too loaded with the divorce now?

It's hard because he never admitted to the A with OW... so it'a hard expect any honesty out of him. His attorney probably has advised him to cool it with OW, and he may be taking that advice. It's also entirely possible that there's trouble in paradise. Unfortunately in my situation I learned that there can be a lot of trouble in paradise (literally the Bahamas, etc) and the A can still be going strong; relapses, false recoveries & all. Honesty is the key, and your WH hasn't even begun to get honest with you.

Reality is most assuredly sinking in for him though; Christmas apart, visitation, lawyers, divorce/parenting class, his parents coming to see you & DD on Christmas w/o him, etc. I would think he's feeling pretty low.

PERHAPS it's time to review those conditions which would be necessary if you were to consider counseling with him so that you have them firm in your head, just in case he has a midnight on-his-knees epiphany and comes crying to you wanting to work things out. You want to know all your conditions (assuming there are some, that you aren't 100% committed to the D, NO MATTER WHAT)... that would be my advice, my guess is there's a possibility you will need the list at some point.

MSA

Mrs. S... didn't you direct me to someone else's thread a while back to read a post you did about a list of conditions for reconciliation?

I was thinking as a start:
1. Obviously NC, which would probably require new job and new cell phone, heck, probably new city.
2. Counseling
3. Transparency in everything, radical honesty, joint agreement, and all that other great MB stuff.

All this after being totally swept off my feet, of course.

I can hope, but it probably will never happen. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Check this out.

posted March 19, 2005 05:16 PMMarch 19, 2005 05:16 PM
________________________________________
Your expectation of IC is reasonable.

This is a resource that I wish I'd seen when my H & I were separated (not the deployment, earlier).

WHEN THE ONE YOU LOVE WANTS TO LEAVE by Donald R. Harvey.

There's a chapter near the end about spouses who want to come home with lists of appropriate reasons to return, and inappropriate reasons that I think is right on target. It is written with the WS being a WH, so swap the pronouns/genders for your sitch.

Appropriate/right reasons:
-Definite resolution of the motivation that prompted the departure in the first place.

-A genuine desire to work on the problems in the relationship (this includes those problems created by the separation).

-A genuine remorse for the pain caused by the separation and a recognition of the need for forgiveness.

-A genuine acceptance of the personal role played (contribution) in the deterioration of the marital relationship.

-In the case of repetitive irresponsibility, demonstrated behavioral change over time.

Inappropritate/wrong reasons:
-Personal loneliness yet having no real desire to be with the rejected wife.

-Purely logistical considerations such as needing a place to stay, financial strain, or personal convenience and comfort.

-Not attaining whatever it was that motivated him to leave in the first place, yet also failing to resolve it (still has the "pull" to the other woman or the "push" of feeling trapped in the marriage).

-Wanting to come back for any reason, yet being unwilling to deal with the relationship. "I'll come back if we can pretend it never happened (avoidance). We can just pick up where we left off."

-Any reason that does not include acceptance of at least part of the responsibility for the marital failure and recognitionof the need for forgiveness as oppposed to blaming.

[ March 19, 2005, 05:18 PM: Message edited by: Lor (Lor) ]

You never know. Jaysmom & I on Just Found Out had a list, I will see if I can locate it... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
MSA

SadMommy, this was my discussion from Jaysmom from October or so...

Hope this helps; it's just my list but it's what we have used for 8 months of recovery now.

MSA

Thanks for finding that. It's nice to dream, but I don't see it happening. As much as I want our family to be together, I wouldn't want it for the wrong reasons. I couldn't take him back if he came crying to me b/c OW rejected him. He would have to do some serious work to convince me it was genuine. And we're nowhere near that point anyway... everytime I see him or talk to him, I can tell that he is lost to me.

Last night was odd but in a good way. He called 15 minutes before he was supposed to come get DD, saying he had been ill all day and couldn't take her. So I agreed he could see her tonight instead. I had a sneaking suspicion that he was lying... why would he wait until right before pick-up to call and cancel? But I was good. I didn't drive by to check on him.

Instead, DD and I went to exchange some clothes for her. Someone had bought her an adorable outfit in the wrong size. When we came home, I got her in the bathtub and then to bed. After that, I decided to take a night for me. Did a yoga relaxation tape, took a bubble bath, and went to bed relaxed for a change. Felt good to do that.

SadMommy05, HI!!!

Just wanted you to know that I check in on you about every other day. I don't really comment as my reality is so different than yours. You have met some truly wonderful and supportive people here.

I know that you have been struggling emotionally and I want to encourage you to do what you can to find a calm and confident (even cocky) space that says no matter what happens you will be better than OK. You will be great.

So, I'll throw in one tid-bit that might give you just a little bit of comfort.

I'm imagining a future for you where you meet a wonderful man that embraces not just you and your new attitudes about marriage and loving, but of course embraces your child as his own.

Here's my tidbit. In that future you will have not only your new husband's income, your income, but also 25%-30% of [censored]'s income for the next 17 years or so. That will be SO NICE. You will be doing quite well. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

And, here's another tidbit. You will have a built in babysitter that will take the child for the weekend so that you can have a nice romantic time. You can go get a hotel. Or, lay in front of the fireplace naked. How tough would that be married to butt*head? This way may be even better!!!!

You have a great future!