Interesting question that I ask myself. But for me, having him back would not be comfortable, at least for months it would seem. I do want my H, but no one seems to get that anymore. So I would say, I want him despite the discomfort.

I don't get the "owning the anger" thing either. Ok, I'm mad, no one wants to hear that either. If I'm hurting, they wonder why I don't get over it, if I am mad, they think I am being spiteful and petty.

Everybody just wants this all to just go away.

Yep, you're right, Jean. People who care about you hate to see you hurting, so they just want it to stop as quickly as possible. And forgetting the WS and moving on is what they think will accomplish this the fastest.

I swear, I still feel numb about it. Sometimes it's like it's not even happening to me. I saw WH and OW driving to work together this morning. When I saw that, I thought to myself, "OK, I KNOW what they're doing... why aren't I more upset?" I mean, it made me wince to see them together, but I realized I haven't had a full-scale freak-out since this happened. It's very surreal. Thinking about that makes me wonder if that's what my friend was talking about the other night... maybe I AM holding it in, holding things together a little all too well. I don't know what to do about it. I certainly don't want to have a full-scale freak-out, but I wonder how I can safely vent it to get it out of my system. I've tried dance. I've tried yoga, journaling, talking, counseling, taking a bath, crying, but still...

Any ideas, anyone?

On a side note, WH came to pick up DD last night. Poor thing did NOT want to go with him, at all. Everytime he'd try to take her out of my arms, she would bury her head in my chest screaming and clutching me even tighter. Once he got her, he even walked around the house for a few minutes with her, trying to let her calm down. She just kept screaming. Finally, he handed her back to me, and she was still upset and squirming, so he ended up taking her anyway. His logic was, well, she's going to cry regardless of who she's with. He did call later to say she settled down. But still, I hate this trauma for her. All I could think of while he was walking around with her screaming was that conversation we'd had, about how their relationship wouldn't be the same... he said it'd be better b/c she would "understand and appreciate him being happy." Yeah, right.

My young daughter did the same thing and I was in the house taking care of her all day on Saturdays as well as evenings. She just didn't bond with me until after she was 1. It made me feel pretty bad.

You might want to be empathetic to how her crying makes him feel. Your empathy will touch a warm part of him. Your lack of empathy will make him VERY COLD toward you.

My wife used to laugh, like there was anything funny about it, and I would feel even worse. It was pretty sh*tty.

Your little one is going through the typical separation anxiety that is part of her development. It shows that she has made healthy attachments. I can't remember when it starts. I think around 9 months, and continues for a year or so.

She needs to spend time with her daddy. Have you tried sending along a special blanket or toy? Also when she is leaving, give her a quick kiss, and be happy. (Yeah, right)
She will pick up cues from you.

I know all about separation anxiety, but I think it's getting worse. These past two times, she has really clung to me, not just crying. And I try to be happy about it, "I'll see you soon. You're going to have fun with Daddy!"

About being empathetic, I do that, too. Last night, I said, "I know it must break your heart when she does this." Offered to let him spend time with her at the house, in addition to the time he sees her now if he wants. She only does this when it's time to be with him. Doesn't freak out at the babysitter's, not even when she's been staying with someone else a couple days this week. That's what makes me wonder if it's more than separation anxiety. Maybe I'm just a paranoid new mommy?

New mommies can't be too paranoid. You know your daughter better than anyone else.

A baby is amazingly smart. She may sense that something is wrong - when daddy takes her somewhere else. And of course she has no words to express her fears. I get so angry when folks think these things don't bother children.

Me, too, Believer. And WH has really said some maddening stuff about that. He says he's doing everything for her best interest (being hard to work with on visitation)... yeah, right. Heck, even his parents said "she'll be fine" when I expressed my concern about him wanting to take her out of the house every other day disrupting her routine.

My heart truly aches for her...

His parents... if only they knew everything I know, everything their precious, can't-do-wrong son has done/is doing. I've exposed to them. It didn't do any good. I'm sure he rationalized and lied to them. They say they don't want to get in the middle of it. But I haven't played my trump cards yet b/c I don't want WH getting wind of what all I have. I get so mad when they told me not to send invitations to the rest of the family for DD's first birthday party b/c "everyone feels awkward and uncomfortable." So unfair... I didn't do anything wrong. I'M not the one who left the family and shacked up with someone else, telling lies and all! Makes me wonder what kind of junk WH has told them and the rest of the family. I bet he hasn't told them the grounds, or maybe not even that I filed against him. I actually fantasize about telling them everything when this is over. Don't know if I will or not, but I like to picture their faces when they hear the truth. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Sorry for venting...

I haven't seen you act like a victim, so I am not sure what your friend is talking about.

You can't make yourself feel all the anger that this sitaution deserves at one time, and you can't force it. You aren't knowingly repressing your feelings, I think that's the best you can do - don't let other people tell you how you are supposed to feel, even out of concern, let them vent but just smile and nod I think - don't take it too much to heart.

You will have your angry moments and your moments of shock and hurt, and unbelief. And you know? They will come often when you least expect them. Those triggers are weird mamajamas.

I felt the most anger and hurt and had the biggest breakdown when it was all over! FWH and I went on a weekend trip together. I walked into our hotel room, threw myself on the bed, went into the fetal postion and bawled for like an hour. FWH did not know what to do. It just all came out... months of confusion, fear, grief, hurt, betrayal, pain... it just came rolling out of me, in one huge wave of relief or something. Not exactly the way I wanted to start our romantic recovery weekend, but hey...

Reminds me of the morning when our 3 year old was missing. Couldn't find her anywhere in the house. No where. Her bed, no, upstairs, no, downstairs,no, check the doors to outside - they're locked. Is she in other DD's room? No. The bathroom? No. Call for her. Start to panic. Look at the windows. Locked. Call her name. Heart racing now. Call to my H in the basement, is she down there with you? no. Panicking for sure now - ARE YOU SURE SHE ISN'T DOWN THERE ANYWHERE? OMG!!!!! Call for her. Oh my God. She's missing. Where is she??? Is she kidnapped? Did she choke on something?

All of a sudden from the basement, "She's down here." She was sleeping, in the dark under the covers on the sofa. I started BAWLING.

See, you are in survival, fix-this mode. You are getting by day by day surviving, taking care of DD, going to work, doing what needs to be done, waiting.

It's when it's over that you may feel the pressure-relief valve go off...

Just my 2 cents, as I am always prone to give!

MSA

Thanks, MSA... I was wondering if I was cold. You're absolutely right about being in the survival, day-to-day mode. Definitely not looking forward to the pressure release!!

On an unrelated note, DD actually peed on the floor tonight. It was after her bath. I laid her down on a blanket to get her dry and clothed, and she crawled off before I could get the diaper on. Pulled up on the recliner, stood there and tinkled, chattering away. I have to say, it was pretty funny.

I got really sad yesterday afternoon when I picked her up from my friend's house. They have a DS the same age as DD. Daddy was there, and the little boy was clearly over the moon for him, actually saying daddy, not just dada, and pointing at him, loving the attention he got from him. I got so sad, seeing this happy family. That's what I THOUGHT we had. DD is going to miss out on so much, it breaks my heart.

Don't give up hope.

And you DD will be okay either way. She doesn't know it any other way, which is probably good.

You are a survivor, that's for sure.

MSA

Can't help it... feeling pretty hopeless right about now. WH just left with DD for the afternoon. Once again, she threw a royal fit and didn't want to go. I asked him if he felt bad about it, and he said, "It's just part of it. You're with her more than I am."

I hope it wasn't an LB, but I very calmly and caringly said, "If you were here, you would see her everyday and she probably wouldn't act like this. We both wish you were here. I know she misses you, and I really miss you." I asked if he misses us, and he said he misses her. I asked if he misses me, and he wouldn't say anything.

I told him that it hurt that he wouldn't talk to me about this. I said, "I know you don't want to talk about things with DD around, but she's never not around." There I was, waiting for him to say SOMETHING, even "I'll call you later so we can talk about it." But no, nothing. Nothing. He just walked out of the house with her screaming, saying they'd be back at 5:30. So here I am, alone and lonely, extremely upset. I just hate that I have no sense of closure in this. Why won't he talk to me about it? Is it because he's ashamed?

How can someone just fall out of love and not want anything to do with the person they've been with for so long? What on earth did I ever do to deserve this? All I ever did was be a loyal wife, hard worker, and good mom. I thought we had everything we could want. I just can't get it out of my head. How could this have happened?

Sigh... I've got to get out of the house for a while...

"How can someone just fall out of love and not want anything to do with the person they've been with for so long? What on earth did I ever do to deserve this? All I ever did was be a loyal wife, hard worker, and good mom. I thought we had everything we could want. I just can't get it out of my head. How could this have happened?"

Mommy - You would be spending your time more wisely if you just went and scrubbed the toilets. There is no answer that explains why an addict does what they do.

I know. You're absolutely right, Believer. I do pretty well about it most of the time, but sometimes I'm really weak. Sundays are really hard.

My WH does the same thing. The girls sob when he drops them off, "Daddy, please stay! Please stay!" It would break my heart, but he just gives them a cheery pat and says "I'll see you later!"

I ask if he misses us and he says, "I miss the children." Not enough to give up his affair, apparently.

I know the feeling sadmommy05, My WW has not wanted to discuss anything for the last year and any time I attempt to bring it up she tells me to stop and she will talk when she is ready. WW did file for D and we have are first hearing tuesday. I do not look forward to this day.

All I can say is keep your head up high and walk through this mess.

It totally sux and makes me very angry underneath my sadness. Every time he comes and she cries about not wanting to go, I think to myself what he had said... yes, she understands you leaving and really appreciates you being happy, you jerk.

bump

I got a nice lift tonight. Friends came over, who I haven't seen in a little while. They're my neighbors, but they recently moved a couple hours away for work, but they come here on their off days. It's a nice young couple, with an adorable little DD, who happens to adore my DD. They actually just left. It was so nice to hang out and catch up with them tonight.

I have to say I'm a little freaked out by what WH said today. Said he bought DD a crib for her birthday, a crib for his place. I asked him why, b/c she won't be spending the night at his place until she's at least 2. His reply was, well, it's a convertible crib.

I'm freaked out b/c I'm wondering what he's up to. What if he's going to make some crazy bid for 50/50 custody? There's no way I want to put DD through that. I was talking with a girl I know who's still in high school who's had a 50/50 arrangement for a few years now. She says she HATES it. I do not want DD to go through that... she needs a homebase!

Hopefully the judge will agree; I think the judge will.
Your WH is dreaming... don't worry about it. He's in fantasy land.

I hope and pray that you are right, MSA.

I keep hoping that as the OW bubble bursts, the fog will lift and WH will become H again, but I don't think he ever will. I was checking up on hurting's post, and the interaction she described with her WH today could've been me and mine. There's nothing there in his eyes anymore. He doesn't even look like he feels guilt or remorse.