Conducting a little poll here... I've heard different schools of thought on how the WS should answer questions about the A/OP from the BS during recovery. To be completely forthcoming? How much detail? Guard the BS's feelings by not telling them too much, etc.

How much info should the WS tell the BS during recovery about the A/OP? multiple choice
	Tell the BS nothing... it's all in the past, too painful, and can't be taken back once said.
	Tell them just the basics, no detail.
	Answer their specific question, providing lots of detail except about bedroom subjects.
	Tell the BS absolutely everything. In detail. SF included.
	Do more than answer their questions, the WS should tell the BS everything, even things the BS hasn't asked about.
Votes accepted starting: 09/21/05 07:23 PM You must vote before you can view the results of this poll.

I think it should always be up to the BS, never the WS. Each BS is different in what level of detail they need in order to restore trust. The WS' willingness to answer whatever the BS asks is very important in rebuilding trust. But I don't believe the WS should ever have a say in it because only the BS is qualified to know what they need to heal; the WS is the least qualified.

I would also point out that affairs are also about the lives of BS' and they have every right to this information. The BS has a right to know everything about the affair since it concerns his/her marriage. The marriage cannot recover as long as the WS has secrets with the OP to which the BS is not privy.

I've heard different schools of thought
MB says to be completely honest with what the bs asks. It is up to them to decide what they need.
Just as it was up to the ws to decide they could indulge in an affair with no input from the bs.

Can't answer the poll, because your selections kinda danced around the actual, correct answer.

Answer all the questions the bs asks and in the detail they ask about.

The WS' willingness to answer whatever the BS asks is very important in rebuilding trust.
Melody wins a [color:"orange"]GOLD[/color] star!

The past has to be recreated by the BS with the reality of what was really going on. It is very hurtful but necessary.
Cherished

Oh my gosh, Mel, reading this made me cry. It is soooo true. I will never get better, I will stay stuck here forever.

Y'all were so right... what to do ?? I am stuck, and I do not like where I ended up. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Carnation

Dr Harley:

"It's patronizing to think that a spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Anyone who assumes that their spouse cannot handle truth is being incredibly disrespectful, manipulative and in the final analysis, dangerous. How little you must think of your spouse when you try to protect him or her from the truth.

It's not only patronizing, but it's also false to assume that your spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Illusions do not make us happy, they cause us to wander through life, bumping into barriers that are invisible to us because of the illusion that is created. Truth, on the other hand, reveals those barriers, and sheds light on them so that we can see well enough to overcome them. The unsuspecting spouse of an unfaithful husband or wife wonders why their marriage is not more fulfilling and more intimate. Knowledge of an affair would make it clear why all efforts have failed."

entire article at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

Melody could decorate her living room in "gold stars" she's earned from giving a countless number of people straight, solid advice.

SD

Thank ya, SD and Chris. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I completely agree with Melody. I don't think I have all the details yet, and I wince at the thought that some little "tidbit" is going to come out and slap me in the face.
That said, I understand why the WS would want to withhold info, because it is so awkward and embarrassing. Don't sugar coat it by saying you are sparing the BS--you are sparing yourself of the heartbreak and disappointment your BS will feel when s/he hears the details. Reality is: the actions happened. Ignoring them is somewhat like folks who like to rewerite history books and sugarcoat all the gory details. I.e., I'm sure the East German grammar school books don't tell the horror of the holocaust, but that doesn't mean it didn't happen.

I'm also a big detractor of the so-called "lies of omission." By leaving out details just because they weren't specifically asked for, doesn't do you any favors. When I ask my WH if OW has tried to contact (based on cell phone records) he answers honestly, I think. However, he is not forthcoming..I have to ask to get the answer. I cannot assume no news is good news. Not a good idea to start a precedent of lying by omission, IMVHO.

Hi NTL~

Didn't vote, because there was no 'tell the BS as little or as much as THE BS wants/needs to hear'. I think the WS needs to completely defer to the BS's wishes on this. Whether that be a play by play of every single detail or absolutely no information at all or somewhere in between.

In my case, BH wanted and continues to want ZERO information, and oddly enough I was the one that wanted to spill. He's actually stopped me from saying much of anything on the rare occasion the A comes up. He doesn't know xom's name, locale, looks, age, how we met, length of A, nada.

The key though is that the WS lets the BS know (s)he's an open book and that (s)he's willing to tell all--if and when the BS wants to hear it.

I don't think you have a correct choice here.

The WS should answer a BS's questions in full detail, to the extent the BS requests.

The WS should cede full control of the disclosure process to the BS.

For the WS, this is a damned if you, damned if you don't scenario.

It's entirely up to the BS to determine what they need to know and to ask for it. The WS has no business volunteering information that the BS has not had time to consider if they want it or not.

To be honest, I've forgotten most of the details about my affair anyway.

The best solution to the scenario you've described is NOT that you must ask him if there's been contact, but to have a standing agreement that he will notify you if there is contact.

There are a lot of details about my affair that my wife never asked me about. She knows that I will answer any question she asks me completely.

Do you think it's right for me to assail her with sordid sexual details if she doesn't ask for them?

Low

I asked all sorts of questions and she told me everything with full details as I requested. She never volunteered information unless I asked. Truth be told, she didn't want to hurt me more than I already was. To be honest, there were some questions I wished she would have lied to me about.

The major problem is that once you hear it it's too late. I kept asking till I felt like I had overdosed on too much information. The last few questions I asked were the hardest ones to hear and I didn't get the answers I was hoping for. I can never "unhear" those answers, but that also tells me just how unhappy she was with me.

I agree that if BS asks the questions that it should be honestly answered. I asked about everything. At this point I'm not sorry I did that. I'd rather have all the facts now than months down the road and have to process something new. Even now if I find out something new(like emails that I recently found in the computer) it hits me like a truck. I don't want to keep going there.

All questions should be answered, as honestly as possible.

If a WS doesn't recall exact details, do the best you can. Don't evade, don't make it up as you go along, because a BS remembers every single detail after DDAY. Senses are set to super high sensitivity.

It can be tabled for a later discussion, if the answers cause the BS too much pain. Many BS try to sit at that table and binge on the information. I would highly deter that approach. It's good to set ground rules before having A talks. They easily get out of hand, and turn into arguments without some structure.

But yes, answer honestly, no matter what the question is.

I DEFINITELY agree that the BS should be in charge of what they do or do not want to know regarding an A...including the details, if that is what they ask for...CARTE BLANCHE...I assert, that in order for true recovery to occur, there must be COMPLETE honesty from both sides...it is from that honesty that real intimacy will be born...these attributes will provide a sturdy foundation upon which the "new" relationship can be built...

However, that being said, it is my opinion, and I think that most will agree, that a WS should not be counted on to make responsible choices regarding honesty of any ilk...the WSes attempt at this can do more harm than good in the long run...So often, the fogged-out WS, under the guise of honesty, spins a yarn so chock full of superfluous minutia that the BS feels they have just had a front row seat to an IMAX experience of the A. This brand of "forthrightness" is a cheap imposter of the real thing...This is a very self-serving tactic for the WS; the benefits of purging everything regarding the A are threefold for them; the full-on confession, (1) allows the ebb and flow of bottled up guilt, (2) releases anxiety caused by the deception & uncertainty of their own making and (3) feeds and partially satisfies the well-honed appetite of the WS for the excitement and drama of the A...they get their "fix". This knowledge may provide a clearer view of why the BS would be better served by exercising willpower over their curiousity, and temporarily curbing their hunger for the play-by-play. A FWS whose fog has lifted is much better equipped, than a foggy WS, when it comes to to telling the truth without complete decimation of the BS. As we all know, a wayward that just hopped off the "Fogville Express" is still dreamily wallowing in recollections of their vacation to "fantasyland"...They do not live in reality, therefore, they MUST NOT be trusted to give real accounts of happenings! The WS still has a very elevated perception of the OP at this point; hence, they continue to dote on fond memories of them. This WS is a very dangerous and nefarious character.

When answering questions, the WS must be caring and sensitive, as well as, conciously aware of the bone-crushing impact that their giving fog-embellished responses can have upon the BS. The well being of the BS, and the marital relationship is at stake...you can be sure, that my money would NEVER be anywhere near a bet that hinged on a WS's grasp of reality! (shudder)

At this point, I ask you...

If there was a dollar bill lying on the sidewalk, who is more likely to pick it up?

A) An inconsiderate, clueless WS

B) Santa Claus

C) A caring and sensitive WS

The answer is A, an inconsiderate, clueless WS...There is NO SUCH THING as Santa Claus or a caring and sensitive WS!!!
Just wanted to see if you were paying attention...As if the first sentence in the above paragraph is possible, yeah right, PUHHH...LEEZE!!!

When an A is the main course, and the WS serves a plateful, smothered in praising, descriptive adjectives with a side of truth, the BS is likely to get permanent indigestion! That is one tough meal to swallow and keep down-Fear Factor contestants have nothing on BSes who have experienced this culinary nightmare! Ideally, a WS would temper their responses, and not surrender to their selfish desires for fondly "waxing nostalgic" about the A and the OP.

As a FWW, I know that I caused a lot of unnecessary, additional pain for my H...I gushed about even the most microscopic of details...I got so specific, that there is NO WAY that I would type the things that I said to my husband, even here...I NEVER want to hurt him like that again, and I pray that time will erode, at the very least, the most painful of my musings from his brain...What a NONSENSICAL BABBLER I was!

In conclusion, I contend that, while it is important to be honest, WSes should keep the complimentary and flowery diatribes to themselves! In a previous post to another FWS, I gave this example...If your spouse asks what you ate for dessert, your reply of, "A chocolate chip cookie", will suffice...You NEVER EVER need to say, "An ooey-gooey, oh-so-sweet, best-I've-ever-had, Toll House, Chocolate Double-Chunk Cookie"! That's just TMI for anyone!

Mrs. Wondering

So I think we have a final answer - the WS should give honest answers to all questions that the BS asks.

Although apparently my wording stinks, <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> , that was answer #4 on here. The only answer on the poll that was meant to imply volunteering information when not asked was #5. And that is in response to the events involving the past A. NOT details about whereabout, calls, contact, etc in recovery. Obviously the FWS needs to be FORTHCOMING about those things, not just voluneer things when asked (or you get into the Lies of Omission issue...)

But as MBers here have commented, the BS should not be inundated with information about the past A that they did not ask for.
NTL

I don't know if I am in the minority, but I choose not to hear about my husband's EA. I don't want the memories stamped in my brain, to record like a movie every time I see him. Unfortunately now, I have bad associations with my beloved coast, where my husband insisted I go to reconnect with my sisters, while he planned to spend quality time with the o/w, unknown to me at the time. Also, I went to Hot August Nights in Reno by myself, and now will never want to go there again, because my husband was happy to see me go, and I was so miserable there and had no idea that husband was actually a w/s.

kd,

From my perspective, (read my above post) it is a wise BS that stays away from WS fogged out explanations...anything that your H told you would be very inaccurate anyway, as it would be inflated and exaggerated, so why bother? Everything is grandiose in "fantasyland", he is incapable of telling you the real truth, he can't see it himself, he could only give you a twisted and skewed WS crazy perspective...who needs that extra pain on top of the immeasurable hurt of the betrayal?

kd, I pray that someday he will come out of his fog not only understand, but also internalize just how misplaced his attentions were...how much more fulfilled he would have been if he'd chosen instead to focus on you...maybe at that point you'll want to hear his incredulous recollections of how nuts he was or maybe not, that choice should always be yours...

I look back at myself during the time of my A, and it's like someone else had taken over my body, I honestly don't recognize that woman, and I HATE HER for what she did and almost destroyed...I will never understand the things that I did, thought and said then...and I will never be able to adequately express my sorrow or gratitude that I feel for my husband, but I will try for the rest of my life...I want that from your husband for you...you deserve it...

No one should ever be forced to make a choice about whether or not they want to hear intimate details about their spouse and another person, that just sounds sick to me now, as it should...what a cruel fate...

Mrs. Wondering