Here is the lastest lines I have heard from my WH:

"You just want what you want when you want it"
Yeah, you're right, I wanted my husband to give up his mistress.

"You have no right to meddle in my affairs"
Well, yeah I do, I'm your wife!

"You are so selfish"
And you lying, taking time from your kids, your stringing me along-what is that called?

"I am trying to get over her, how long would it take you to get over mother dying"
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

"I have realized that you will never get over this and I deserve to have a life where this is not always thrown up in my face"
This was 2 weeks after d-day, sorry for still being irritated. I will get over IT, but IT needs to be over first!

Sometimes, it is helpful just to write this babble down. I tend to believe that my WS is different from everyone else's. But when I look at it-no, it smells like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck.

I tend to suffer from that "terminal uniquness", and no, this is just a run of the mill alien abduction.

I think all control is ultimately the same.
I think As only end once the BS gives up trying to control the WS.

For example, giving up controlling the situation by keeping secrets about the A (also known as exposure). Giving up controlling the WS by LBs (aka Plan A behaviour).

If that doesn't work, giving up controlling the WS by removing yourself from the WS's life (Plan B).

There is a difference. The control the WS accuses the BS of doesn't exist. To put that on the same level as a BS who is deparately trying to keep control in the family as a survival tactic vs the WS selfish control is like comparing good food to rotten. They are both food but would you eat the rotten one?

Why choose rotten food? So all 'food' is not fit for consumption. Just like not all control is good for the family.

A BS should never fall for that WS crap. Easy to say and hard to do. But it is doable. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />


JMHO,
L.

Mulan

Did Squid label me 'controlling ?"

Yes

Was I ? dam' straight I was !

I hurled every spanner I could into the works of her affair.

Without actually forcing a change in her behaviour I used every fair tactic to try to stop her affair. And a couple of unfair ones ( threatening OM) Shoot me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

FWIW when Squid said " you;re tying to control me and you CAN'T!!". I replied:

" I am trying to stop myself and the kids and our marrige being hurt."

Mulan, try this: one time I got a "you're forcing me to end our marrige with you controlling!" I asked her in response :

" OK. Tell me what you think I * should* do. Bear in mind I want to rescue our marriage and keep the kids, myself and even YOU safe from harm".

Mumbling, red face, " well not what you;re doing now !!!!" Storms off. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Its funny now.

Regarding exposure Squid actually told me " Don;t tell his GF, theres no need for his life to be sh*t just because ours is" LOL ! So exposing was controlling too !

Mulan, as orchid says, its a complement that you are laying down a template that is so effective H feels compelled to follow and doesn't like it. Keep it up !

Mulan,

Try to understand where your husband is coming from. He considers it controlling for you to have any expectation that he should change his behavior to accomodate your feelings. Deceit isn't controlling at all. It's his way to prevent you from interfering with decisions that he considers to be his and his alone. He doesn't want to face the reality that decisions he makes affects you. It's as simple as that.

Controlling is a negative trait in you or anyone. It is up to the other person to decide not to act in a way that shows disregard and lack of care. The ball is in your husband's court, and he has chosen to show lack of care for you. You can be upset all you want. As I heard on a tape for discipline, "The mouth is not an instrument of discipline." Why should he change if all you do is complain? Your complaints just further solidify his contempt for you.

When I was in my 20s, it seemed to me that my peers who were most messed up where those whose parents divorced about the time they went to college. I now know why. Those parents hung on until their children left for school, and during those years the children learned to accept that their father or mother could disregard the feelings of the other. Please consider, Mulan, that it might be better for your children if you threw the bum out.

Cherished

Bob ~ you aren't describing control. You are describing boundaries and consequences <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Yeah sure, the WS accuses the BS of control, when it the BS isn't controlling...the BS is protecting his/herself and her marriage.

But too many BSes on here DO control. Some examples are a plan A that goes too long or doormat behavior.

Should a BS fall for the babble that comes out of a WS mouth? No.

Should a BS at least consider or examine the possibility that they might be playing a part in the dance of infidelity and are therefore controlling (and therefore enabling and justifying the affair)? Absolutely.

I must respectfully disagree...

A civilized society never denies an individual the right to choose or decide. The society may very well have controls in place that are intended to limit one's ability to effect their decision. It may very well have controls in place that are intended to influence choices and decisions.

But it never controls those decisions.

During the cultural revolution in China, the party used tactics that were, in fact, intended to control the ability of individuals to make decisions. It was intended to remove their free-will and make them utilitarian subjects of the state.

Therefore, I stand by my original assertion that our society has chosen to respect the free will of the individual because we believe it to be right. However, it's clear that doesn't mean we must accept any ACTION an individual might effect. They are separate.

This is an important distinction.

We must respect the free will of our spouse or we reduce them to objects over which we want to exert control. I don't think any of wants to be married to people who are unable to make their own decisions.

Strictly speaking, Bob really is describing control...he is taking actions with the intent of forcing behavior on the part of his spouse.

As I said earlier, there are some instances of controlling behavior that may be justified. This may be one of them.

Here's another example...If I take your car keys away from you because you are too drunk to drive, am I being controlling? Yes, I am, but justifiably so.

So, to further expound on bob's point...yes, it's ok to acknowledge that you are engaging in controlling behavior if that's what it is.

Of course it can exist, an often does. Your proceeding statement contradicts your assertion. Your words point more to the motives for the behaviors than they do for the behavior itself.

Controlling behavior is controlling behavior and the motive behind it doesn't change that.

Wouldn't it kind of depend on what you were actually trying to control, as in a sitaution, rather than a person?

In Bob's battle, what or whom was he actually attacking? The affair? Or Squid? There is a vast difference.

Semantic obfuscation...if attacking the affair involves taking actions intended to control Squid's behavior, it is still controlling behavior. Motive, or larger objective, makes no difference.

I am comfortable with any terminology. I never actually FORCED any behaviour on Squid during her affair.
I performed actions which were desigend to have a likely effect , but Squid was not boun dto repond in any given way.

Exposure for example.

I exposed in an attempt to stop Squid's affair. So was that controlling ?

If so - guilty and proud ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I am trying to control my kids to be polite, faithful, respectful and honest too. But not forcing them. I guess I am a control freak !

I'm not making judgements, bob...I'm just trying to point out that actions intended to remove limit the choices of another are inherently controlling...regardless of the motive.

I think there is a line of thought going that controlling behavior that's done with good reason is not controlling behavior. That's simply not true.

My wife's controlling behaviors were always with good intent...did that make them less controlling?

Bob and Orchid, thank you. You get what I was trying to say. All WS interpret "boundaries" as "you're trying to control me." What else is new?

And Bob, I have asked him what I *should* do to fix this problem and what I *should have done* when I realized what he was doing. He just mumbles, "I don't know."

***Deceit isn't controlling at all. It's his way to prevent you from interfering with decisions that he considers to be his and his alone. He doesn't want to face the reality that decisions he makes affects you. It's as simple as that.***

And keeping someone off-balance and in the dark about their own life through deceit isn't "controlling?"

Actually, Cherished, what you are describing is a person who is single. Their decisions do not affect a partner and they do not have to be bothered considering one. I have accepted that this is what my husband wants, though he'd *really* be happy if he could still have a wife around when it's convenient for him to have one. It's a lot quieter at my house now and I'm getting a lot more work done.
Mulan

Are you angry about it?

I ~know~

exciting isn't is BR !!!!

she is da bomb. And I have to totally agree.... it is exciting.

I am truly a blessed man.

Personally .... if my house is on fire ... I pretty much try like ****** to control it !!!

and if the fire happends to be an affair ... I use all available tools .... like it or not ... the fire is my enemy and if I look crazy fighting/controlling what is destroying my home ... so be it .... I will deal with my controlling behaviors ~after~ the fire is out and I am not standing in ashes up to my chin with 3rd degree burns all over my broken heart.

Ahhh...but Pep...

Those of us with formal firefighting training are taught to fight those fires in a way that doesn't do even more damage.

No doubt that flooding the building will put out the fire, but it sure makes the recovery longer and more expensive!

I'm in complete agreement with those who would say "Yes, I'm trying to influence this situation to the extent that I can to minimize the damage to our family."

Understanding and acknowledging that it will be perceived as controlling by the WS is part of the package. There's no point in denying it.

Low

Heck Low ... I am owning "controlling" .... didn't you notice?