Toni...

I do not want to turn this into a wayward thread so I will keep it brief.

No, it does not mean that he is a molester. But there are things on this thread that make it suspect. Being accused is devastating and irreparable. The poster knows of 2 incidences that her H waved off as miscontrued. She is uncomfortable. Warning signs are going off. Red Flags have been raised. We have our "gut" instincts that alert us when something is not quite right. Hers is kicking in.

I am having a hard time believing that if this was that kind of touching the child wouldn't remove herself from his lap

That is not always the case. While you might have been a strong child, others are not so strong. Children are not always in control and that is what the molestation is all about...control. That is why it is "children" that are preyed on. Because they can be overpowered and controlled physically and emotionally.

It is not impossible to imagine that the reason the child removes herself when Jeannie enters the room is because she has been told that MrsJeannie doesn't like the "special" friendship that they have and they cannot do it in front of her. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying that it IS....but it certainly could be.

The poster has used the words "perverted" "taboo" "twisted" and now she is noticing things (like the twins) that doesn't sit quite right. Add that to the fact that he doesn't want to have sex with her; plus, he views the most perverted and taboo porn you could imagine (behind my back, of course) I just think that the most important thing right now is to determine IF he is being inappropriate.

Her alarms are going off.

As Always, JMHO
committed

Toni,
Making one more point...
Could it possibly be that he was innapropriate BUT at the time didn't know any better. OR with his upbringing this was accepted, and he is learning now as an adult

That kind of goes against what you said as NOT making him a molester just because he was molested. It looks like it WOULD make him because that is all he has known and found it acceptable. (No disrespect intended)

<small>[ January 06, 2003, 11:33 AM: Message edited by: committedandlovingit ]</small>

This is from a very wise poster on another board. I learn from her all the time. It explains why perhaps you continued to date him even after you knew he was perverted and had sexual problems.

""You won't be with a perverted man, a jerk or a loser...if you have self-esteem (self-love and self-acceptance and self-understanding) and if you've taken the time to create a life and lifestyle you love - where your needs are met appropriately and where the emotional status quos (pervasive perceptions) of happiness, success, and security are met by your own definitions, means, and efforts.

THEN you'll have values, priorities and boundaries - you'll have success and goals, you'll know the difference between feeligs and facts...you won't take anything that comes along, letting the rules switch as "their" perverted moods and opportunities change.

It's not about you finding whatever turns you on - or whatever man you can get and then making him into what you want and need. That's erecting fences - and it'll get you trampled by a wild bull that has no intention or desire to be fenced and won't be - no matter what. (he won't change)

It's about you finding someone that "is" what you want and need "already" by their own values, methods, standards, and requirements and under their own supervision...so that you don't have "enforce boundaries" - which is you disassociating from people that don't meet your standards!

You're either "erecting fences" - trying to make them what they're not and you need them to be....or you're "enforcing boundaries" - disassociating yourself by your own actions and decisions from people that don't meet your standards and requirements.

And if the first time this man pulled out the perverted sex or quit having regular, normal sex with you, you'd have said - thanks but no thanks....you wouldn't be writing this post.

Instead, you continued to date him, get pregnant for him, and even married him. You then "erected a fence" trying to get him to be what he's not, and want what he doesn't....because you have lots of needs that you've refused to meet appropriately in other venues responsibly.""

<small>[ January 06, 2003, 10:55 AM: Message edited by: baba2 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Drednosilence:
<strong>Was that realy HOTI? or was that an imposter? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Jeanni, just because someone was abused does not mean they will be abusive, but being accused is not something to take lighly.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why does my post not seem consistent with my personality?

Didn't we have one of these cases here recently. Where a woman found out about a child porn user and told the FBI and the whole thing blew up in her face? Didn't we tell her she did the right thing? Is this case all that different? Do any of you know a man who has TWICE been falsely accused of inappropriate behavior toward a child? And now her instincts are telling her something funny is going on here. Do we advise her to wait until she has videotape proof or (God forbid) catches him in person before she intercedes?

So I guess I came on a little strong. But shouldn't she pay attention to this? At least watch her husband more closely when he is with children? Insist he seek help? Is she just supposed to ignore it and wait to see if something terrible happens?

I for one am not comfortable telling her to do nothing at this time. It is true that not all victims of abuse become child molesters. But many do. And the majority of child molestors were themselves abused. So this is a HUGE warning flag.

And they tutor young children in their home? Am I the only one who finds this disturbing? If they were tutoring YOUR child wouldn't you want to know that the husband was himself abused as a child and has never received treatment for that trauma? Wouldn't you be worried about entrusting your children to his care?

Which is not to demonize all who were abused. If I found out that a man had been abused as a child but received good care and worked through his trauma and now runs a treatment center for abused children I would be happy to reccommend people send their chilren to his facility.

But would you send your child to be tutored by this guy who never got treatment and who views lots of deviant porn and only enjoys sex during what his wife describes as perverse acts? I would not.

If the state child welfare agency knew of these facts, do you think they would permit this couple to tutor young children? If the state agency permitted them to continue tutoring, and then later discovered that abuse indeed occurred, wouldn't you want to see the case worker fired and new training procedures put in place?

I am all for "innocent until proven guilty" before imposing criminal punishment, but that does not mean we have to use that standard for protecting our children from abuse. We do not have to find him guilty of a criminal act before we decide that he cannot be trusted to be left alone with other people's chilren.

And in some way I hope he is an innocent man being falsely accused. Not that I want him to be persecuted. Not that I would be happy to know he was being falsely accused. And I would certainly be glad if all the children had wonderful learning experiences with him.

But if the accusation (or his wife's fears) leads to protective measures so that we feel more secure knowing the children are not at risk (video cameras in their home so all his activities with children are monitored?), I am not uncomfortable with that level of intrusion into his private life.

<small>[ January 06, 2003, 11:03 AM: Message edited by: holdingontoit ]</small>

ILMF-
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">While the marital obligations spelled out in 1 Corinthians 7 are a very popular reference - if one doesn't have the benefit of a giving spouse, they aren't God-authorized to go elsewhere. We are under a spiritual bond after refusing or complying with any ultimatum, and the unpopular (or at least very, very, very rarely ever cited) scriptural reference is in four places I can think of, but is its very clearest in Mark 10:1-3, where it says that if any man or woman is set aside (divorced) and then remarries, that is adultery. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sorry, ILMF, but I am going to disagree with your relatively legalistic view of "valid" scriptural grounds for considering a marriage to have been violated. The phrase that you quoted in Matthew, in its proper context, is a rebuke by Jesus of the local religious leaders' attempts to trip Him up using Levitical regulations- in particular citing the appalling practice of those Joshua-era days when a man could get bored with his wife and toss her out to starve simply by writing her a letter that says "I hereby divorce you"- and Jesus tells them that this is dead wrong, counter to the principles of marriage, and of God's law to love- then He finishes by raising the bar with the adultery comment. (BTW- if you think that women have it bad today...... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> )

This was by no means clear for all situations, nor intended by Jesus to be the last word on the subject (among other reasons is its unilateral application to women, which was counter to all other teaching by Jesus, the first equity feminist in history), which is why Paul discussed this further later on in 1 Corinthians 7:

1) "10 But to the married I command&#8212;not I, but the Lord&#8212;that the wife not leave her husband 11(but if she departs, let her remain unmarried, or else be reconciled to her husband), and that the husband not leave his wife." Go back and read what I said- that a temporary separation may be in order, but there was not even a hint of a suggestion that Jeannie2 would be justified in going out to find herself a stud just because the old man isn't coming through. The specific point was that Plan B might be needed to save the relationship by stopping all of her love from draining out. I think that shock therapy is frequently irreplaceable and seriously underutilized.

2) in verse 15, Paul makes the definitive point: "15 Yet if the unbeliever departs, let there be separation. The brother or the sister is not under bondage in such cases, but God has called us in peace." Here he speaks of what is, finally, desertion of the marriage. One who consciously and deliberately refuses to address the fundamental element of marriage has deserted the relationship. I don't say anything else here, other than that Jeannie2 will have to be very careful to search her heart and seek God's will, rather than looking for rationale to justify what she wants; there is a difference between God's desires and what He permits.

ILMF, I would agree with you regarding lust, etc. and the reality of what is and isn't adultery. I am always amazed at people here who say that they think that their husbands have cheated on them by reading some juvenile rag like Playboy. If they were really faced with a reality of a cheating spouse having a physical affair, they would change that view in a hurry. There is a difference between seeing and acting that should not be misunderstood or cheapened by misapplication- you do a good job of clarifying that point. One can injure his own spirit without injuring other people; it is always worse to damage others.

HOTI

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So often we ask ourselves "why me Lord? Why do I have to suffer this fate?" Often we never discover what God intended to accomplish. Perhaps you will be one of the lucky few who gets to see some good come from her suffering?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Actually this quote was supposed to be in there, I agree with what you wrote, but I might have miss understood the "her suffering" part.

<small>[ January 06, 2003, 11:15 AM: Message edited by: Drednosilence ]</small>

I thank you all again. I think I need to clarify a few things. First, yes, I should have ended the relationship very early on. I came very close. In fact, I arranged to move out, and I let him "sweet-talk" me into staying in the 11th hour. As for what I call "perverted" sex, I am not talking about anything but the missionary position. I don't know if I am allowed to go into detail here, but I am talking about toys, bondage, anal sex, uncomfortable touching, etc. Yes, I do have to take responsibility for staying when I knew early on that things weren't normal. And he didn't tell me about the childhood molestation until about 4 years and one child into the relationship. I had absolutely no idea. As for the suspicions, I am surprised that posters took this subject so far. I think (and maybe I will end up being a complete idiot) that my husband is clueless about his behavior. I don't think he understands the boundaries of adults/children. I have never seen him act inappropriately with our three boys or with any other boys. And, he is extremely over-protective with our boys.
I am thinking that I need to be dealing with what I think is the FACT that my husband will NEVER have sex with me (this stretch has been 9 months, and he hasn't so much as given me a peck. There has been ZERO physical contact). I think I need to deal with my own sexuality and what I am going to do about it. Also, in answer to the question about redeeming qualities, THAT is my problem. He is smart, even-tempered, very selfless and accomodating, and a really good and disciplary father. He does not drink, do drugs, or abuse me physically. He justs neglects me, which I have learned is a form of abuse.
I really think we need to focus I what I have to do with my life. I think you all know that there is no way I am going to convince my husband to have sex with me.

As for the suspicions, I am surprised that posters took this subject so far. I think (and maybe I will end up being a complete idiot) that my husband is clueless about his behavior. I don't think he understands the boundaries of adults/children.

Jeannie,

Your post started out very generic. It was about you and your husband and a lack of sex in your marriage. But, you slowly revealed other things that a few people on here felt were suspect in regards to your initial question of why he wouldn't have sex with you. You brought up the subject of children and inappropriate behavior and maybe thinking it had something to do with his lack of wanting sex with you. All we have to go on is the information that you provide in this text. If we jumped to some kind of conclusion it is because we only had your words to go on.

I really think we need to focus I what I have to do with my life.

To be brutally honest, I do not think that you can continue as you are without some type of verification as to what is really going on.

I am sorry that you feel that it is YOUR problem that he is not having sex with you. From your posts I feel that it is HIS problem. You are right that you need to decide what to do. You know what is right and wrong and I hope that you do what is right.

As Always, JMHO
committed

I understand why you feel it is your problem he won't have sex with you. Because HE does not see a problem with the marriage and YOU are the one seeing the problems. Therefore, it becomes YOUR problem. If he was with an equally kinky woman who wanted the same kind of sex he did which would be pretty hard to find, he would be even happier. As it is now, you may not be kinky enough for him so he just turns to porn to get off. Rather than expecting you to fulfill the perversions.

Why couldnt he wait and find a woman who shared his perversions? Why dump it on you? How mean of him.

Your sex problems are threefold.

1. He does not want to have sex with you hardly at all.

2. On the rare occasions he DOES want sex with you, he probably wants the perverted sex.

3. He is hooked on the perverted types of porn and you cannot quite trust him around little girls..

I am amazed you stuck around for 14 years. He must be quite a charmer and as you said, he has good qualities. Does he work?

I had a boyfriend who tried to get me to open up to new experiances. I thought I was closed minded when I did not want to do bondage every time. I wonder why we women think the problem is US! When often the problem is the man.

<small>[ January 06, 2003, 12:14 PM: Message edited by: baba2 ]</small>

Jeannie2,
I am sorry that your husband will not have sex with you.
But, I must tell you that I was that way with my wife , too. But my reasons were different. My wife is an alchoholic and has been since year four of our marriage. Our sex life up until that point was wonderful. But the more she drank, the less inclined I was to have sex with her. And the reason was simple. I wasn't sure if she needed to drink to have sex with me or not. I am an attactive, intelligent and well built man, and i was willing to do anything(within reason) to please her sexually.
We have finally separated because her drinking compromised everyones safety and, I felt, that this was very abusive and annoying behavior.
She is now living with an alchoholic man who allows her to both drink and have sex ( I assume).
Damn if I was going to become an alchoholic for sex.
Anyway, I can tell by your posts you want to do the right thing. And,it sounds like you are ripe for an affair.
If you cannot get his attention with a Plan B, then you are probably right to leave him.
Just don't leave for another man.But, I wouldn't waste much more time. I did, and am sorry I waited.
Anyway, we re here to support you> I really hope you can work things out.

Jeannie

In regard to your last post, it seems to me the only thing left to consider is your children. Without them, there is no reason to stay. You need to make a personal decision whether the permanent impact you will make on their lives is more or less important than your emotional need for sex. You describe him as a good father, although you do bring up numerous "red flags" that contradict.

I'm kinda in the same boat, but not nearly as infrequent. I can tell you that part of the reason we have less sex is because my own fault. Over the years, my wife has gradually built new fences in our sex life, until it has become a non-spontaneous, 2-3 min. quick, missionary-only act that occurs only at the end of a nice evening out, and only when the child is at the grandparents. Bor-ing. And, she probably believes my desire to be adventursome (like when we dated) is perverted, as well.

Why do I put up with it?? My 6 y/o child. After he's out of the house, I will make the decision whether to stay at that time.

Good luck to you.

Keith, you hit the nail on the head. I have to decide if giving my children two parents is more important than intimacy with a their father.
But, that decision might have just been made for me. Unfortunately, I jumped the gun. I have been so excited about the feedback that I have been receiving on here, that I sat down to talk to him a little while ago. The "discussion" ended up disasterous. Ultimately, he ended up asking me if I thought it would be better for the kids if he was not around. I told him Yes, the way things are right now, it would be better. My H has not left me permanently up to this point because he is a very commited father and he would not leave his children. But, he just told me about an hour ago that he will be out within a month and he is going back to where he came from (very far away.) He then said that the conversation was over and he walked out of the room.
By the way, the dicussion included all topics including the way he deals with the girls that come over here. He accused me of being "sick" for thinking anything of the way that they interact with each other. He also asked me how I could expect him to just "hump" me like an animal when I treat him so poorly. He made it very clear that there was no way he could have sex with me.
In answer to your question, baba2, the girlfriend before me was equally as kinky. According to him, they had "wild" sex seven days a week for almost two years. I met her once, and she told me the same thing. The only reason why they split up was because she was young, and still wanted to go out with the girls and meet other men. I am sure he will end up meeting someone like her again. That is the only way he will have what he considers to be a normal sex life.
By the way, I have been crying for an hour. I am completely full of self-pity.

Gregg,
I understand your situation, and I can see the other side of the coin. Maybe I have been completely undesirable to my husband because I am so moody. But, I am moody because I am a mother who works, does all the housework, shopping, etc, and goes to school full-time. That is all. I am not a wife or a lover or a friend with my husband. I feel very sad and lonely and VERY resentful and that is what has created the snowball effect. (Give or take a few of the factors along the way).

Jeannie

I'm very sorry to hear the result of your conversation. I've always been a proponent of staying together for the sake of the kids and trying to live together civilly, if not entirely happily. It is amazing how common these marital issues are. It is a shame (and very telling) that he intends to move far away - where he cannot be "any part" of his children's lives. If he really follows through, then he is a truly selfish individual. Unfortunately, in the end, it is always the children who are hurt the most.

Although your sadness from this trauma must terrible, the long term affect may be in your personal best interest. Be strong and hang in there.

BTW, if your husband shows any 2nd thoughts, you may want to suggest the Marriage Builders phone counseling - I've read from others that it is pretty good. Who knows? The idea is both parties end up alot happier because there is constructive communication.

Jump on this board if you ever need a late-night friend to talk with - there are usually loads of folks willing to listen/help.

Good luck - you are in our thoughts.

Thank you, Keith. I actaully starting working at night about six months ago so I would not have to deal with the pain of getting into bed every night with him, only to be rejected...so I will be on here during the day or in the very early morning hours.
Counseling is out of the question for him. Really, the only thing left now is prayer. The relationship (if you could call it that) is over now because he manipulated me into answering his question so I was the one who officially ended the relationship.
Gosh, I really hate to be so negative. I apologuze for my depressing posts - if you all met me you'd be shocked - I carry myself with confidence, and I laugh a lot.

By the way, can someone please clue me in as to where I might get the meanings of all the abbreviations?!

Jeannie2:

I've been reading your post...trust me, there is light at the end of the tunnel. My husband was also sexually abused at a young age and had lots of confidence and sexual problems because of it. MB helped us and I'm sure it will help you too.

The link below will answer all of your questions regarding the abbreviations and also give you some background as to how MB works.

MB Abbreviations and Principles

Good luck Jeannie--stop crying and start reading up the MB principles...you'll be glad you did : )

Thanks for your understanding Jeannie. I think sexual intimacy between married partners ( or single unmarried partners) is equal parts romance , attention and of course, and to all that it leads .Itis also about how much sex the partners are willing to share. (Which in my opinion,does not include none or a little bit). However, it may be that what your husband desires and what you desire MAY have some common ground.
For example, while toys may not be your cup of tea, perhaps liquid gels or lingerie might be satisfactory for your husband.
What I am suggesting is that perhaps there are alternatives that you may like that also makes him desire you.
However, I think there is a more basic problem in your marriage. And it is something I discovered in mine.Real intimacy. The non-sexual type that leads to sex.
It appears that either you or your husband are so busy with other things, you forgot each other. I think the rule of time (for each other may apply here). It is clear to me that basic communication between you appears problematic.
You may also want to try some things that he likes that you can "tolerate" in order to get what you want.
I have often found that sexual experimentaion is vey enjoyable knowing that each partner has some "boundries". But being as attractive and as open-minded as possible is a very important factor.I firmly belive that sex is the engine that drives marriages ( at least it is an important need for me).
Perhaps you should try another approach. Remember there is nothing perverted between two partners,provided they can agree to it and truly enjoy it.

This is what I was talking about when I said accusations can be dangerous.

No you didn't say that he was doing something but you did say he was inappropriate. Although I also saw it as so....

He is may be devastated that his wife may see him as the same horrible adult that hurt him so many years ago.

Being told his way of sex is perverted or bad could very well lead to an aversion as with many other things.

I really don't know what to say now that he has said that, but in his comment as well he was saying you are hurting me, you think I am discusting, and how can I be close to someone that feels that way about me....Could that be where he is?

You have a lot on your plate right now...and you have to be very careful (without choosing to ignore) what you say and do right now.

May God give you the wisdom you need to get through this without anyone else suffering, you REALLY need to lean on your faith right now. He does know your troubles and you must allow him to pave the way.

TakeCare...Angel

Angel

Committedhusb,
First, thank you for your grace in your reply to the thoughts I left. (If there was anyone that I stood a chance to have ruffled, it would have been you – though I know you’re a seasoned poster, and a thinker, and that to become easily ruffled isn’t a trait of yours)

Moreover, the fact is that I botched one of the references in my original post – When I said, “Mark 10:1-3”, I had actually meant Mark 10:1-12 most particularly emphasizing 11 and 12, which reads, “Whosoever shall put away his wife, and marry another, committeth adultery against her. And if a woman shall put away her husband, and be married to another, she committeth adultery.” It was something that I was pointing out because often, very often the solution to a marriage problem is to divorce and remarry. Many times we see people use the Bible to make a scriptural foundation for this, ironic to me since that’s actually forbidden there. NOT a reflection of my own opinion, which is actually quite a lot like what I think most people “feel” should be the rules, but just the black and white of it. Passing odd to me it is that the Bible is often cited as giving a grounds for divorce and remarriage.
. . . really gone by and beside the point, in this thread which has taken a couple of different turns already. . . but the fact that I had carelessly posted an incorrect reference rankled me, and I am sorry about that.
And even more beside the point for me to add all this, since to be honest your clarification post was so well written. . . and on top of that, I think it may be (and partly because of my incorrect reference) that you misunderstood my point a bit as it was. My notions of these things are actually in complete alignment with what you wrote in your reply.

Jeannie2,
I was a little disappointed that what I said “disturbed” you. . . more because the thing that you said disturbed you came from the very post that I had added separately thinking to support and encourage you. Not normally a “defensive” person, I would point out a little something as such - - when you wrote, “ First of all, you do not know enough about my first two years with him to assume that his molestation did not affect our sex life” you were entirely correct, because I know nothing beyond what you share here. But do take into consideration that I was writing in reply to your very own words in the initial post, “ I have been with my husband for fourteen years. We have three beautiful children. My husband has made love to me ONCE A YEAR for the last twelve years.” This seemed to indicate that there was a contrast between the two and the twelve that sum up to fourteen, such that if the twelve were the bad years, then the two were the good years. . . both your post and my reply which disturbed you preceded anything that indicated that the first two years were also not good years. There was a reference to diminishing sex (which isn’t good, but not altogether uncommon) during the first couple of years, and consideration that it may have been connected to his being molested when he was young, but no reference to “twisted/perverted” sex in your marriage until later. If you change your story midstream, then it is liable to render suggestions, advice, or support that any of us offers inapplicable. None of us knows anything beyond what you share.

The practical part of my suggestions to you still stands – and that would be to not let his past be any “excuse” for any bad behavior at present. Often, people who’ve had bad experiences (more if facilitated by others) will tend to rationalize the present bad behavior based on an unchangeable past. I understand that there can be long-lasting pain from a bad event, and I understand that there is sometimes a tendency for someone to adopt the same sort of behavior that had been imposed on them, but we each remain accountable for ourselves regardless of these things. IF the cause of your present (and long-term) difficulty really sprung from your husband being abused, then there are a couple of things that make themselves likely. One is that someone who’s not changed much in more than a dozen years isn’t very likely to turn over a new leaf ever at all. Another is that it’s still based on a choice he’s made, or a combination of choices over the years. . . that would be true because there have been people who’ve been victims of this, that, or any other sort of abuse who’ve instead actually resolved never to become abusers themselves. Some go on to become helpers for those who need help, while some just simply put the bad memory in its place and go about their lives and other business without being much influenced much by it. ( I had a co-worker up until a couple of years ago who was such a case, a kindhearted person who was at that time looking for a church then – he still remembered the troubling memory and told me as a confidant about an occasion where he’d been molested in a camp latrine by a church counselor, so that it can’t be denied that it was a fact that came to his thoughts, and probably affected some of his decisions. . . but apart from that, he had made peace with it and was one of the most morally behaved people I have known. Of course we must consider that there may have been some dark side that I never saw, but we have to give every person the reasonable benefit of a doubt). IF is in there because of the things I do not know. But sometimes, if a “cause” is cultivated for a person. . . such as, “It’s because of this or that event from the past”, then that serves no better purpose than to validate bad behavior in the mind of the doer and pave an easier path toward the making of new victims.

Be careful then, that’s all – because if you stick around the forum very long you’ll find that we’re all for the most part a bunch of pretty well-intentioned people, (usually) hopeful for the sakes and benefits of others, but we’re liable to posse up and form a lynch mob and the sight or scent of a bit of dirty laundry. Some of us have had some downright awful experiences and are liable to think in terms of those things from a framework that doesn’t really quite fit your own. As such, take what we all say here with a grain of salt, not being too quick to apply what any of us says or suggests until you’ve measured it against what you know of a surety yourself.

Caution, as suggested wisely by Toni_29again

As far as the last thing I probably said (writing offline here, from memory to post when I can get on) it would have been something along the lines of, “I hope that you are well and encouraged”

And I do

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Jeannie2:
[QB] As for the suspicions, I am surprised that posters took this subject so far. I think (and maybe I will end up being a complete idiot) that my husband is clueless about his behavior. I don't think he understands the boundaries of adults/children. I have never seen him act inappropriately with our three boys or with any other boys. And, he is extremely over-protective with our boys.
QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Jeannie, you may be much more naieve than you realize. First of all, you said there had been 2 accusations.......in my own experience, 6 months after we married, my husband was accused of touching a boy. I vigourously defended him. Now I am pretty sure it was true, knowing that he had molested his stepchildren. I was so clueless. I am sure he did not touch my boys, but in reading up on the subject I saw huge red flags.....he was overprotective of our oldest son especially, bought him expensive toys, favored him, always wanted him alone. I don't think my x WANTED to molest his son, but since he wasn't avoiding temptation or seeking help for the problem (he never told me about the convictions or had counseling despite the fact that he got out of prison just 18 months before I met him.), I am sure it would have happened eventually.
In my case, the judge took all decisions out of my hands and demanded evaluations for the kids and my x and will not even let my x see them until their counselors say it is ok for SUPERVISED visits. I would not have been so harsh, but the judge has seen these kind of warning signs before.
I strongly suggest you read up on molesters and pay attention......just in case.