Thank you all for your replies. I’m okay. I have finally received the moment of clarity that I needed. I’m exhausted from the drama of the past seven months but suddenly I have a second wind.

Here’s a brief follow up from last night. I’m at work so I need to keep this short.

When she arrived he was asleep. He heard the knocking at the door and he jumped up from his sleep and rushed to the door. We live in a small apartment so it happened very quickly. I was in the living room so I made it to the door first. He was behind me trying to push the door shut as I was trying to open it, but I pulled it open and he looked over my shoulder to see who it was.

I greeted her like I didn’t know who she was. She said she was there to see WH. I invited her in and turned around and he had disappeared into the bedroom to put on some clothes because he was wearing only his boxers.

So I chatted with her…how do you know WH?, etc. He came out, said hi to her and then started shuffling through some CD’s on the desk. I asked what he was looking for and he said she had come over to get a CD he borrowed. She said, that’s not why I’m here. He wouldn’t look at her or me while he was ‘searching’ for the item.

Between her behavior and his I was able to ‘figure out’ something wasn’t right. I started questioning him…what’s going on here?…something you want to tell me? He said no, she said, you wanna go get a drink?

I looked at WH and then back at her and said yes. I went back into bedroom to get my shoes and when I came back out he was shutting the door and she was gone. I started towards the door and he told me that I wasn’t going. I asked why. He said that it would be a huge mistake. He continued to block me from the door so I asked him to tell me what I needed to know. He said that they ‘made out’ one night and that was it.

He told me that if I go I should just take all my stuff with me. I told him I’d be back for it. He said if you go then I’m leaving. I said ok. He started packing a bag.

I went to find her. She was waiting for me outside. She said that she was going across the street to the restaurant/bar and she would wait for me there. I went back in and questioned him some more. He would admit to nothing…but I already knew the truth because she had told me on the phone before she came over.

I told him that I needed to go get some fresh air. He thought OW had already left…he didn’t know I was going to meet up with her. I told him that if he wasn’t here when I get back that I’d get my stuff and leave but that I hoped he would be here.

I went and met her. She gave me a timeline of when she met/started hanging out with WH. Basically it was while I was out of the country. She said that for the past few weeks he hasn’t had time for her. … The beginning of our ‘recovery’.

I ended up getting drunk. She drove me home. He was there when I got back. He started telling me all the things that he should have been saying during our ‘recovery’…he wants our marriage…he’ll go to counseling…he wasn’t going to niece’s b-day party…. I told him he was full of [censored] and that I could never sleep in that bed again. He admitted to everything. I asked why he couldn’t tell me the truth a few hours earlier…he said he didn’t know…how was he suppose to tell me that?

I passed out on the sofa and when I woke up he was sleeping on the floor next to it. I got ready for work. I woke him long enough to tell him I was leaving, have a safe trip. And I left.

Now my moment of clarity: I did not shed one tear over this new information. I already knew that there was something. As he slept on the floor this morning, I looked at him and I was very sad for him…not for me. I can walk away now…go dark…the time is right. As Orchid says…my heart and my mind are starting to synchronize.

Thank god you are alright.

WOW....I've been waiting and waiting for your post...thank you for letting us know that you are okay...how are you feeling this am?

Good work, except for getting drunk. I think I would ask him to leave. He has quite a bit of growing up to do.

Have you thought about what you are going to do now?

Lady, you rock! I am so proud of how well you handled this and yourself. Very class act.

I have no doubts that you will take some time and figure out what you need to do for yourself and in the meantime you'll survive quite well.

{{{{NW}}}}}

I know I shouldn’t have gotten drunk. I’m not proud of that…it’s out of character for me.

I really don’t know what I’m going to do. I’m going back to stay at my mom’s and then start looking for a place of my own. I am no longer going to contact WH. Perhaps he’ll contact me but I have a feeling he’s done with us. However, I’m not going to sit and wait on him either because I can’t say that I want this marriage anymore. For me it’s not about this new OW but the fact that he looked me straight in the face and lied.

I just spoke with WH. He’s so defeated. I think he’s finally hit his rock bottom. He says he wants me…he’ll do the work. He told me he’d go to counseling with me next week. He gave me all his passwords last night. He’s stopped all of his questionable behavior the last few weeks. I think he thought we could move on and I’d never find out about OW #2.

He’ll have to win me back now if he wants me because I’m already gone. We’ll see. I’m worrying about me now…

Now listen to me - you are young and if you were my D I would tell you this. You have been M just over a year and this guy cheated on you twice? What does that tell you. Honey you need to move on. He has alot of issues and is not ready to commit. If he was my son I'd help you D him. I knock him into next week. My sons know I am like this and do not dare ever cheat and as far as I know neither of them has ever cheated on a woman.

this is a character flaw issue

and

a life-style choice

how many strikes?

Actually, he should be the one to be inconvenienced by getting OUT. It's one of the consequences of this stupid choices.

Realtor -

My MIL told me to leave him when I spoke to her on D-day. She said get your stuff and go. And I did.

But I went back.....This was before I found MB.

I am moving on but it's hard when he still wants us.

Pep -

I agree. He has major character flaws. We talked about that this week before I found out about OW2. He had an abusive father. He doesn't really know what it means to have and be a family. I'm not making excuses for him.

He was absolutely wonderful to me (and my family) for 4 years. I don't know what happened.

Believer - I agree however I already moved all my stuff out when I went into plan B. Besides, I do not want to be in that apartment...where he did the awful deed and punched holes in the walls when I moved out.

I am looking forward to moving into a place that is MINE....where I can paint and furnish and keep the way I want. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

He's not worth any more of your attention. Dump him permanently, forget about him, find the right guy who loves you and will respect you.

Maybe 4 years is his limit for controlling himself?

or

maybe he was better at keeping things hidden for 4 years ????

But, you are the only one who has the right to say

"This is it ... I am getting out."

we can only offer free opinions .... :-)

Pep is right - but punching holes in the walls. That is scary - it could have been you. Take care of yourself. My exH -was very good at making me stay years ago. I learned the hard way. Je needs Ic and it will take awhile for him to be a better person.

On the punching holes in the wall...it's scary, depending on several things.

I am not a violent person. I've been through a LOT in my life...I've seen combat, I've lost both of my parents and all of my grandparents, lived on the streets...but I have never considered myself (or been considered by others) as a violent person.

On d-day, I was so hurt I could not contain it. While my wife sat there and told me that she loved OM and that he had bought her plane tickets and she was leaving to live with him, I literally bashed my gas grill to pieces. I punched holes in our wooden privacy fence...a number of things that I am NOT proud of. And you know what...my wife sat there the whole time, not the least bit afraid. She knew that no matter HOW mad I was, I'd never lay a finger on her.

Later, when we were in MC I asked her about that...and she told me that she knew that she wasn't in any danger at all...she just felt terrible for causing me to lose control like that.

I am NOT condoning angry outbursts, nor do I know if your WH is a 'scary' person. All I can say is that it IS possible for someone to vent their anger and hurt that way and still not pose any physical threat to those around them. (now, had OM been there at the time...that might have been another story).

Does your WH have a history of violent outbursts or behavior? Have you ever felt physically threatened by him? If so, THEN I would have some concern.

I went through the same sitch w/my exhusband...I stayed in that marriage for 15 years...put up with it all because of DD. My friends all knew...but they all said the same thing, "Only you will know when you have had enough." one day we were on vacation with his business partner and wife...I picked up the phone called one of our employees and said, coming home...and I left them all there down in Key West, took a shuttle back up to Ft. Lauderdale and never looked back..he begged, he pleaded...but he still managed to find the time to find a new play toy that he met on adultfriendfinder.com...throughout our separation...he lied about all the women while we tried to work things through. Counselor after counselor told me some people just can't commit and should never get married...he was one of them.

His exGF is now my dearest friend, she came to me when she found out about all the women he was seeing besides her...you can't change someone...he has finally settled down with one of those women, who ended up leaving her husband for him...two peas in a pod...neither of them even bother seeing or spending time with their children. Sad...

I commend you for your strength and courage. I wish you well in whatever choice you make.

Thank you all for your concern.

My WH is not a violent person. The holes in the walls were a result of him realizing the effects of his wayward actions. I was there when one of them 'appeared'. They have been there for several months now.

We were on our way to recovery the past few weeks before the events of last night. He really thought we could recover without my knowing about OW2.

Prior to last night we did some talking. On one occasion I listened to him cry and tell me about the abuse he experienced growing up. I watched as he began to clench his fists and walk around the apartment. Like Owl's wife I know that my husband will not hurt me. So on the night I calmly walked over and even though he asked me to step back I stood there and hugged him tightly until his body relaxed. I am not afraid of my husband...he will not physically hurt me.

I am really appreciative to all of you for inquiring about this. Thank you.

Thank you for sharing your story with me Sadie. I know that I will not tolerate 15 years of this crap.

I am at a point now where I can think clearly about my situation. WH called me twice this afternoon as he was driving the six hours to SIL's house. I missed both calls. When I realized he had called I was neither happy nor angry...just 'oh, okay'. I called him back...asked what he wanted...he tried to chat with me, ask about my day. I cut him off...I'm terribly busy at work...gotta run. He asked me to call him later. I said 'yeah, maybe'...heard the disappointment in his voice as we said goodbye.

I feel great today. I really, really do. What a wonderful feeling!