I am not very confused by Lem's post-I really had not thought of the whole SF thing before he brought it up. I am pretty sure that SF with the ole battle ax is the last thing on WH mind.

But, like I said, that is one of my strong suits, if the opportunity presented itself...

But WH's strange madonna/****** complex thing, that throws a loop into it. Have I mentioned his very strong narcissistic traits?

Trying to figure out how to lure him back and IDing some of his less favorable characteristics, makes me a little glad he is gone. But I would enjoy him spending many a sleepless night wondering if he made the right move. He did say tonight, this may be the biggest mistake of his life.

We separated due to my EA (called up first love, yada yada)That is the crappy part, I know all of WH games, I get the babble, been there, done that. We separated for two and a half years, coparented great, were great friends etc. He had a one year relationship plus some flings. I stayed with OM for two years.

I did ask him for reconciliation. It took some eating of pride to do it. But, I am glad I did. We did have a great year. He says differently now, he says he was faking it. But people have told me how happy he was at first, a spring in his step, depression gone.

When I was the WW, I believe that plan A would have pulled me back. But, he did just let me go, no fight at all. That hurt and I really wanted to show him that I did love him enough to fight for him, I was not going to hold the door open for him while he packed. He says I should be able to give him the same space he gave me.

A Reminder once again...........

This is a Marriage Builders SUPPORT forum.

S U P P O R T

support!!!!

Justuss,
Am I doing something wrong? or is this about something else on this thread?

Just checking.

Jean,

I think Justuss is trying to keep the others from squabbling amongst themselves, when they could be a little more focussed on helping you.

BTW, in case LemonMan didn't say so, he is a doctor, so he, naturally, thinks of medical things (like STD's) as being matters of high importance. I think what he's saying is that without testing, you are taking a dangerous chance. And if your H has multiple partners, even testing isn't enough to ensure your safety.

-AD

You're doing fine Jean!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

A couple of questions:

If I can find an avenue for more exposure via OW's work, should I hold off until I can get a few love bank deposits in? From what I know, OW and OWH are managers of this business. The owner has been in business for 20 years. I believe my Mom's church and her personally do business there. Isn't there a potential for exposure there? I can imagine my Mom saying her church will no longer be affliated with a business managed by an adulterer. But, shouldn't I get in a few deposits? I have a hunch OW will back off for a little bit, I think she is scared. If every so often, I zing them with another dose of reality, wouldn't that work well. Especially if it is not ME causing them trouble in the love nest.

Second, on legal separation. Again, should I hold of on anything official until a little time passes. I will get the info I need tomorrow re:charges for adultery, abandonment etc. But I think that WH will see Legal Separation as permission to do whatever he pleases.

From the carrot/stick thing, I need home to look good, wallowing in adulterous muck look bad. But I need the muck to look bad to everyone, not just the jilted wifey poo. That has been my main issue, I seem to be the only one offended by this-maybe I need a better quality of social circle hmmm?

So I need the muck to offend other people. Hence, the church stopping business with OW and OWH. The business donates their services to the church though, it would be disheartening for church to say "we don't care what their morals are-they're free".

Another odd thought:

During our separation, WH had a girlfriend for about a year. She was a friend of my sisters. One thing that damaged their relationship was how close Wh and I were, our agreeing on homeschooling the kids and the 50/50 custody which required lots of time together. She also hated the way my mom treated her (mom was unfair on that one).

I thought, what are the chances that I could talk to her and find out what drove her battiest about WH's and my amicable separation. She eventually gave him an ultimatum, put the kids in school and stop this ridiculous 50/50 thing (she wanted him to be a weekend only dad) or she would leave.

It is a long shot, but I could use pointers on how to be the first wife from ****** to keep OW at bay if it gets to Christmas dinners and crap. I managed to scare off a few of his girlfriends!

Jean, the best time to expose is NOW, while the iron is hot. Right now you have her scared, if you wait, it will give them a chance to regather strength. Spreading it out only lessens its impact, which is why it should be all at once and EARLY in the affair. The longer you wait, the less effect it has because it gives them more time together.

I think the owner of OW's business sounds like a good exposure target. It may not stop the affair, but it would cause some good conflict.

Jean, does your H think it is ok to see other women as long as you are seperated? I get the sense here that you both condone this and am confused about why. It is still adultery even though you are seperated and should be treated as such. I would make it clear to him that you view any contact with any OW as adultery as long as you are married. Neither of you should be dating anyone as long as you are married.

I would also be careful about agreeing to be his "friend." In an affair situation like this, the WS endeavors to be your "friend" in an attempt to normalize his affair and avoid the consequences of the damage in his path. This can work against you, because it only serves to make him more comfortable destroying your family.

yes, I do believe that WH thinks that the minute he said he was leaving that he became a free man. When we were separated before, we were both in other relationships. I do want to apply a double standard now and say "no, this time I want the marriage no we are not going to date"

And if I can't be his friend, how do I plan A with the enemy?

You be his wife. You are not his friend or his buddy, you are his wife. You will settle for nothing less than wife status. Essentially, there is very little practical difference, but the point is that you don't want to get into a situation where you look the other way while he tears up your family. That is what he wants when he asks you to be his "friend."

Thanks for clearing that up. I think that is what his fog babble goodbye letter said. I just don't know how to be the wife without becoming the battle ax. Nothing he is doing is admirable or respectful, there is no chance for love deposits. My name on the caller ID is going to be only associated with guilt inducing negatives.

Any theories on what me filing legal separation will do to the alien?

Jean, I agree that it is hard to admire someone who is so lost, but please bite your tongue and look hard. You don't want to be phony about it, and maybe the best you can do is avoid lovebusters, but just remember this: the OW *IS* meeting enough needs to attract your H. So everything you lovebust him, you make the OW look better. You have to focus on attracting him BACK.

What needs do you think she is meeting that lured him away?

Do you think your H felt respected by you as a man before this affair?

I wouldn't file for seperation unless you have to in order to protect your finances.

I think that she doesn't understand english very well and he just throws out a bunch of BS and she gazes at him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I have ask him gently, what that relationship is about. He has never been able to say. He did say that they feel the same way about things, like people. I have no idea what that means. The only thing WH and I have disagreed on in three years is his girlfriend.

On the respect thing, if he wanted to see it he could. But, he does not want to see it. During the 10 year period, I would ask for a second opinion, but that behavior has not existed in the past three years either. He says now that he thinks I had him up on a pedestal.

If I make a phone appt with a Harley, should I even ask if WH will participate. He will say it is useless. He did tell me last night that he feels he has done everything humanly possible to save this marriage, and he has realized it is not worth saving.

Hi Jean,

I just scanned threough your story, so please excuse me if I am way off point.

I am really suprised that today was the first day that anybody asked you anything about your previous seperation and the circumstances thereof. To me it would seem obvious that any issues that arise within the first year of reconcilation would have more to do with the previous seperation than the new situation. I would guess that your WH is involved in an exit affair.

The fact that you have children was probably a big incentive for him to reconcile but maybe he isn't ready to really commit again and be vulnerable.

Also, certain comments you made like "I just don't do well playing pitiful..." lead me to believe that you are a alpha-personality type. Is it possible that most of the impetus for reconcilation came from you?

From my superficial glance, and please correct me if I am wrong, I get the impression that your husband was very hurt by the first seperation and never really learned to trust you again. Perhaps he took you back as he had never really gotten over you and it was best for the kids, however, once back in the relationship he realised that he still has lots of emotional baggage and doubts.

Forgive me for making so many assumptions, but the way you write indicates someone who is used to being in control and having her own way. Is it possible that engineered this reconcilation without your husband's heart being in it? Obviously he must have agreed to it, but were his fears addressed in any way??

i appreciate your thoughtful post. Definately will give me something to think about. I have often wondered if the past year was some sort of retailiation for my EA and the separation. But you are more likely correct. I really wanted to autopsy the EA, separation and reconciliation. But he is a conflict avoider and said that he had worked through all those issues.

For the past year, things were better than they had ever been, even before we had married. I really did give him transparency as far as trust goes. I did not expect him to be able to trust me and I knew I would have to earn that from him. We never really dissected it, he didn't want to talk about it. He does say that he was told that he chased me off by everyone, and he carried a lot of guilt. He admits that I never led him to believe that it was his fault. I take complete responsibility for my terrible choice.

I did initiate reconciliation, as far as asking him to dinner, owning my mistake and letting him know I wanted to be with him. He did seem very gung ho about the idea. We "dated" briefly, snuck around behind the kids until we were sure. Then I moved back home...

Thanks for explring this possibility with me. If it is an exit affair, is there any hope? I need to read up real quick.