well my H and I have been trying to work things out now for almost 2 years, however as of late my FWH has been threatening divorce in every other breath it seems. Whether it be about the second job I have that he does not like, to the house not being clean all the time, to how I disapline the children, or the latest my being excepted to college and him not wanting me to go. Is this typical behavior? I have gotten to the point that I do not even know if I care anymore if we do get divorced or not. Yes I love him but I am so tired of that game. When he says to me he is done that he wants out that I am never going to change, and that he should of never come back. I now no longer disagree with him, I either stay quiet, tell him he is right, or ask him if he would like to file or should I. Then he starts back tracking again. It seems like a game to him. The problem is when he use to threaten that I would crumble and start crying and beg him to reconsider, now I just am numb to that threat, and he is usually the one to apologize.

I am not sure what I am trying to ask here, other then if this is normal, or if other people here are struggleing with the same thing. If there is any advice.....
I will stop rambling now.

no

your situation is far from normal

KMEJ

It may be normal for abusive husbands to behave in that way, but certainly not in functional relationships.

KMEJ - know what kind of man doesn't want his wife to move ahead?

The KMEJ's-husband kind.

Everything you do for yourself is a shot at him.

I've spent a minute on this post, and I won't spend any more time, KMEJ, because everything you need to know has been said to you a hundred times.

GC

that is rather what I was thinking as well. I want to go to college so that I can get a degree and support my children on my own, to be strong and independent. H wants me to quit Fridays becaus, I believe of the firends I have and the money I make. I feel like he wants me to be secluded, have no friends, no family and no money. Yet he comes and goes as he pleases.

Other then H things with my children are pretty good, my oldest is playing Tackle Football so that takes up 4 nights a week, but the grin on his face when he is playing is worth it all, My middle one just turned 5 on Tuesday, and my youngest is always a handful, yet a loveable handful. I am very blessed to have them in my life.

KMEJ,
You know I care about you and want the best for you and the boys...

So going on that note, do you need the link to the court house where you would pick up divorce paperwork?

Danielle

Go to school, and use this time to do things that will give you a brighter future. Ignore what he says. He has had plenty of chances to be a good husband. He is just not that interested in changing.

Thats because it is a game my dear pawn.



K, please go back and re-read all your old posts and the replies to them and act on that advice.

I have actually been looking for it.

I just want to make sure I am not making a rash decision. I need to make it and be sure about it, as once that decision is made there is no going back, and I need to be sure that what I will be forceing my boys to give up (home friends schools ect) will be worth it in the long run.

It would be a rash decision if it was 'spur of the moment' and without thought.

How long have you been abused KMEJ?
How long have your children been abused or witness to abuse?
Answer those questions and then tell me how rash it would be.

Giving up the life they are being forced to life now, and the hurt they are forced to be witness to may give them the CHANCE to have a happy life and be aware of what is NOT OK in a relationship...
Danielle

K, your H hasn't changed in any way, shape, or form since you began posting. All of his behavior is evidence of an abuser. Trying to hold you back from independence and isolating you is one more example of this. I have never seen anyone on MB advocate the ending of a M. However, in your case people here have been strongly recommending it over and over. Honey, the bottom line is this hard decision has to be made by you and not us. Your H's behavior is anything but normal in a functional M, and very normal in an abusive M. You don't even know what normal is anymore. CV

CV- you are right, I do not know what normal is. Trying to figure it out.

KMEJ,

This is perfectly normal behavior for an abusive husband. I promise!!!!

The reason he harps on you about all of those failings of yours is CONTROL through BLAME!

He is trying to give you the mindset that

"If only I kept the house cleaner, he wouldn't treat me that way."

"If only I lost 10 lbs., he wouldn't be so mean to me."

"If only I were a better cook, mother, wife, etc..."

Can you honestly tell me you haven't though those things? I KNOW you have because I have been exactly where you are.

Your situation is a mirror to my previous marriage to a physically abusive man.

It isn't about you...It's about him and his control over you.

I would give anything to show you a crystal ball of the effect this marriage is having on your children.

K, I wrote this to my WWXW a couple years ago....you want to know what "normal" is from a healthy man in love? Here it is....
______________________________________________________________________


I can’t promise you the Sun will shine tomorrow,
Or that we will never struggle.

I can’t promise I’ll be perfect,
Or never disappoint you.

I’m flawed and weak,
Strong and secure,
Charitable, Kind,
Just like you.

I can promise you something,
Some things,
To ease your mind,
Calm your fears.
lighten your load.

I promise to
Cherish you
And Love You
Protect and defend you.
Stick be your side
And be your comfort.

I promise to
Be your strength
In times of need.
Wipe the tears
From your eyes.
Maintain a home

That is safe and warm.

I promise to
Be your best friend
Your safe place
From the world
To share your joy,
Sorrow and pain.
To be your hope
When all hope is lost.

I promise to
Respect you
Honor you
Hold you
Romance you
Dream with you

And

Caress you



I promise all these things my dear

forever more.

_________________________________________________________________________

K, that is what a "normal" healthy man is....do you see any of this in your H?

Wow that is so touching. Reborn man, I occasionally see that in my H. You must have truely loved your wife. Thank you so much for sharing.
To be honest I am so jealous of the relationships several of my friends have with their husbands, how they care about their day, and want to be involved with the kids. I wonder if their husbands are exceptional, or if mine just does not care. I am usually left very sad, wanting more, just not sure if it is possible.
Again thank you so very much for sharing that, do you mind if I print that out and keep it with me to remind myself of what a man in love thinks?

Please do, I would be honored

KMEJ,
I would make a guess and say you KNOW the answers to BOTH of those questions...but you don't want to admit that you know them. In the event that you would like an answer...
YOURS DOES NOT CARE. Their husbands may be exceptional, but don't you and your children DESERVE the exceptional?
Do your children only deserve half a father?
Of course it is POSSIBLE to have the exceptional and even NORMAL for you and your children. When that happens is you to you.
Believe me KMEJ, I am darn lonely. I sometimes think to myself that my jerk of a WH would be better then nothing. Right? I could have a hug once in a while, which would be better then never right? At least I might have the chance that every few days he might say something nice? It would work like this....disrespectful comment, shove, rude remark, ignore, push, nasty comment, hurtful behavior, hug. Does the hug really make up for all the hurt that not only you have to endure but your children? Answer :NO!
Alone is better then the fact that MAYBE he MIGHT come around. If you want to waste your life and your childrens lives waiting for a man who doesn't care to somehow begin caring, no one can stop you. Or you can start caring about yourself, and set some boundaries. If that man you dream of him being ever shows up, then you can talk...but he isn't who you need him to be. There is this picture of who a good man is, what he COULD be, what you WANT him to be, but he ISN'T THAT!

Danielle

I am going to throw a dissenting note out here...a Devil's Advocate...something else to think about.

It appears your R with your FWH is filled with LB's. He has been depleting your LB for so long, not only do you not have any left, but you don't care about filling his LB.

After this many years his LB is getting depleted faster and faster and he is trying as hard as he can to stop the leak. Unfortunately he is going about it in a very immature way, by coercing, persuading, manipulating, throwing a temper tantrum , and emotional blackmail.

What I see is missing from the M is POJA. Your H has never been bothered with it because he foresees it as a crimp in his 'freedom'. Now that he is not getting his way, you will not be bothered with it, why do what he wants or asks if he is not willing?

Try these words, "H, you and I have gotten into a cycle of doing things the other person doesn't like, only to please ourselves. When the other person asks us to stop, we won't because we don't gain anything from it. Why should one person stop unless we both stop. It's like we are playing chicken. Maybe we can write down the top three things that bother us and we can POJA in turn. We can come up with solutions that we both 100% agree on, or we put our plans on hold until we work out a solution. We can work on the solutions for a month, and if we find we're not able to follow them, then we go back to doing what we want."

Yep, he'll agree with this, and write down 3 things and will start first. Honestly come up with a good workable plan, then tell him it is your turn for the next, and pick the toughest thing that bothers you. He needs to realize that M is give AND take, not just TAKE.

He'll either help make this work, or he won't, but if he doesn't he'll have no one to blame but himself...

UNLESS, your LB is so low you are not willing to try...

I am willing to try just about anything as long as it is mutual. This one way street has hit a dead end. I have grown tired from trying to do everything for the both of us. Taking the blame, and having everything that goes on in our house that is bad my fault, and the good H taking credit for. I spent 8 hours yesterday cleaning up all the debris from the Tornado that hit our neighborhood, H was at work, so I wanted him to come home and have nothing left to worry about, so I worked hard all day, to him to come home and not say a thing- nothing, other then he had a hard day too, okay I can understand that, but then he got crabby at me. I think you are right my Love Bank is so far in the reserve that it has depleated itself. I feel like a horrible person because quite frankly most days I don't know if I want to continue with the effort. Then I tell myself that there is good, that i just need to keep trying, for my kids, for my marriage, for my life, for our love. I do not blame H for the state of our marriage, we both contributed to how it is now. However I am not okay with the status quo, and I fear that he is, as long as I do what he says.

KMEJ

You are in a jail cell.

The door is open but you stay in the cell, quaking in fear of freedom.

Institutionalised is what I believe it is called.