I do appriciate this site, it gives me a mixture of feelings. I get both defensive of my husband, not wanting people to dislike him, and a feeling of relief that I am not the only one that feels his behaviors are wrong.

What others think about your H is none of your business.

Why isn't it?

You can't control it. And any opinions about your H should not influence you when it comes to doing what is best for you and your family.

If I met him, I might totally like him and find him charming and funny ... and STILL he would make you miserable.

Is he a good husband?

Things to do to stop abuse:

Call the police and file a complaint. Get a restraining order.

Escape by moving out in the middle of the night and going to a 'safe house'

Kick husband out (unlikely)

[color:"green"]That is so true. Most people do love him, find him funny and charming. And he is when HE wants to be. However he does not hide his dislike of some of my friends that he does not deem worthy, and will just ignore them and me if he feels that way, and it leaves me to be embarressed and try to justify his behavior.

Pep, What I meant is that there is nothing KMEJ can do to stop him. She can only remove herself -- or have him removed.

KMEJ, Part of the reason why I thought I must be the problem is that so many people have told me that I have the NICEST husband. He really is nice -- to others, to me in front of others.

Think about how he treats you in private, with no one watching. It's part of what makes you doubt that he is responsible for his behavior.

Cherished

[color:"purple"]The thing with my H, is yes he can treat me wonderfully in front of people that he wants to impress, like his co-workers. However around friends, and even family, when he does not care, it shows. His good friend asks me why I stay with him, asks H why he treats me that way. Always wondering why he treats women the way he does, and he has them falling all over him (his A, and other women that call) and the friend is so nice and can not get a woman to save his life. I wonder that myself at times, what keeps me drawn to him... [/color] <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

KMEJ,

I just want you to think about something for a moment....

You keep hoping that your H will realize what he's doing.
You keep hoping that he will change.
You hope he will realize that what he is doing is hurtful.
You keep on hoping that 'one day' he will wake up and look at the reality of his behavior.

You want him to change. Yet he does not.

Now change all of those statements to focus on YOU instead of H.....with regards to all of us here on MB.

We keep hoping that YOU will realize what YOU are doing.
We keep hoping that YOU will change.
We hope YOU will realize that what YOU are doing is hurtful.
We keep on hoping that 'one day' YOU will wake up and look at the reality of YOUR behavior.

We want YOU to change. Yet YOU do not.


It's just something to think about, KMEJ. You two are entangled in a foggy abusive game. Neither of you is willing to do what is necessary to make it a healthy marriage....or even to make each of you healthy individuals.

WE keep hoping, though, that YOU will become healthy, KMEJ. So is hoping enough?

Do you come back simply for validation that your H's behaviors are 'wrong'?

Or are you drawn back to this site because you sense a hint of truth in what we say?

I think you already know your H's behaviors are wrong.....

JMVHO

Abusees take the blame for the abuse because they choose to. The abuser blames the battered spouse, and the battered spouse CHOOSES to accept it. Why do they choose it? Perhaps because acknowledging might actually require them to do something about it.

Protecting, or covering for, an abuser is an attempt to protect onesself (the battered spouse) from harm.

Why?

Because you are ashamed for others to have knowledge of how you allow yourself to be treated.

Because you have no plan in place to protect yourself by leaving, and admitting to any medical or law-enforcement person will only further anger the abuser.

Lying or protecting is done to protect the battered spouse from having to make any changes.





The behavior of a battered spouse is SO CONTROLLING!

You have no power over another person. You cannot single-handedly hold a marriage together. You cannot make someone hit you. You cannot make someone stop hitting you. It doesn't matter how well you clean the house, how pretty you are, how much weight you lose, how well you cook, how few friends you have, etc...If you believe any of those "if only" statements, you are disillusioning yourself about the fact that you have some sort of control over it. You don't.

The only control you have is over yourself. The only way you can make abuse stop is to remove yourself from the situation and stop allowing it.

You are not victims. You are JUST as actively participating in an abusive relationship as your abusers are.


You are not CAUSING the abuse, but it is your fault. It is your fault because you accept it.

There ARE ways to stop it. Pep pointed out a few of them. There are many more, too.

You cannot reason with a person who is being unreasonable.

Some years after I divorced my abusive XH, we were having some conflict (discussions over our DS, mostly). I told my mother about them and how maddening these discussions were. She saw how I was allowing him to frustrate me continuously.

So she thought about it some, and then called me at work. I was busy and couldn't come to the phone, so she had the receptionist take a message. The receptionist put the message on my desk and it read:

Froz,

Never argue with an idiot. They will only drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.

Love,

Mom

The abuse fog for the victim is to think that some change in their behavior will cause a change in their spouse's behavior. It doesn't work that way. The abusive spouse has free will and chooses to abuse. At least that's my take on it. The only way that the abused spouse can end the abuse is to get away from it, as Pep laid out. The only way that the abusive spouse will end the abuse is by FIRST taking responsibility for it.
Cherished

KMEJ,

Go to school.

It will be tough with what's going on in your marriage and trying to raise three little kids yourself at the same time. But I never doubt a person's will. You are capable of anything if you really want it.

But do you really want it?

Miker

KMEJ,
I look back and wish I had separated from him for a long time, maybe a year. He could have taken a good, hard look at himself. Instead, I tried to convince him that he was wrong. I wouldn't violate the POJA on something as major as college while living with an abusive spouse.
Cherished

I do want to go to school, but am scared too as well, so I guess my husband's being against it was all I needed to back out. I am presently disappointed in myself for giving in that easy. he made good points however, with the kids being little, and my working so much, and with DS8's activities, I do not know where I would find time to fit H in, and he is afraid if I go to school our already fragile relationship will end in divorce within 2 years. With out his full support, I know I would not manage.

KMEJ, seriously, why do you keep posting here ?

You refuse to lift FINGER to stop the abuse, there is never any different advice from people here. No-one on earth can help you but YOU. You ar eclearly happy enough with your stale crumbs of a life that won't do anything to change it.

Why do you post here ? What earthly good does it do you ?

KMEJ,

Of course he doesn't want you to go to school. He doesn't want you to form any sort of independence. If you gain independence, you might leave him.

Why do you think he is so selective of your friends? That behavior is classic abuser behavior - whatever excuse he gives for not wanting you to be friends with a certain person is really only an attempt to isolate you from anyone who might aid in empowering you or believing you can have something different for yourself and your children.

For about the billionth time - POJA, or any other MB concept, DOES NOT APPLY TO MARRIAGES WHERE ABUSE IS PRESENT.

POJA means JOINT agreement. If you try to POJA with an abusive husband, the end result will be him shooting down everything you suggest and having an excuse to do it...he's not enthusiastic. That is control, not POJA, which is exactly why these concepts are ineffective with regards to abusive relationships.

My dear friend Bob- that is where you are wrong. I do lift a finger. I am trying to change things. I was asking about the relavance of his constantly asking for a divorce and an affair, and if that was typical. I have not brought up any abuse in this latest thread, I have not updated people much on my life since i left months ago. Yes I realize that is my doing. I know the situation I am in needs much improveing- and believe me it is forthright in my mind. I have come to accept the fact that I am the one that either needs to accept things as they are, or do things to change them.
I post here thinking like it is a journal of sorts, but a way to share my thoughts and frustrations with out having to do that with people around me. I have lost enough friends that way. I do not mean to frustrate you all, and understand if you do not post to me.

KMEJ - you are always welcome to post here. It is, without doubt, frustrating for some of us to see you here in basically the same circumstances but I believe everyone has their own timeframe.

Also, new people are posting here all the time and your circumstances may help another sad person dealing with a similar situation.

While I do agree with the POJA.....I also think that in some cases it just won't work.

Take your sitch K.

You want to go back to school.....H doesn't agree that you should. H doesn't agree that you should work 2 jobs. H doesn't agree that you should be able to go out dancing with friends.....******.....your H doesn't really agree with anything you want to do.

So...you spend the rest of your life thinking about ALL the things you could be doing....if only your H would enthusiastically agree to let you do them.

You see what I'm saying? You're waiting for your H to give you permission to do things. You are not a child...you are his wife. You are capable of making your own decisions.

He doesn't want you to go back to school because then it will give YOU more power and control of your own life. He can't have that.

As for bringing up divorce....it's a game. He knows that he can call your bluff all he wants and you aren't going to do a darn thing about it.

Until he brings it up one day and you just happen to say..."well..here are the papers"....he's going to keep doing it.

The only person keeping you from doing what YOU want to do is.....YOU.

If you want something bad enough you will find a way to make it happen.

As for not wanting to make it hard on your kids.....well...the longer you wait....the harder it will be.

KMEJ,
Respectfully I think you are deluding yourself.
I see ZERO effective action to change your situation.

Your H OWNS you. You are driven by his whim. You do nothing effective to change that status.

Your H feels no incentive to treat you with respect. You have shown no desire to enforce any boundaries whatsoever.

Do what you always did, and you'll get what you always got.

I CARE KMEJ. It just scares me that I seem to care more than you do.

KMEJ,

I agree with tucktummy.

Your posts are just as welcome here as anyone's. She raises an excellent point about another new member possibly dealing with some of the same circumstances. It could very well help them to read and identify with your situation.

It is frustrating for me to know that you are in the situation you are in. I don't wish you to stop posting about it, though. I am hoping feedback from others may keep your line of what is acceptable from going to far in the wrong direction.

I, personally, post to you because I have been in your situation and I know how bleak and helpless it feels. I want you to know that there is a way out. I want you to know that you don't have to just accept your situation in a "this is what my life is...might as well get used to it" fashion.

Keep posting if it helps you, KMEJ. Not everyone will respond with something that is helpful. I had to really learn to take what was useful from others' responses and apply their suggestions instead of letting some of the responses hurt my feelings.

What tucktummy said about everyone having their own timeframe is also right on the mark. Do you know how many times I left my abusive M before I actually stayed gone for good? Maybe about four times. I can't remember. It seemed like he always found some way to make it impossible for me to leave. He made sure I had no job, no friends, no car, no money, no help, etc...

One time I got reacquainted with a lifelong friend who I'd grown up with. We started spending time together. As a way out of my abusive M, she offered her home as a place for me to stay so I could leave him.

So, you know what he did? He exposed to me that he had had an A with this friend before we were married. I really was more angry with my friend than my H. I already knew what a rat HE was. But, of course he accomplished his mission. I no longer wanted to live in that friend's home. So where else did I think I had to go? Nowhere...back to what I was used to and comfortable with...him. Big change was too scary.

It took many exercises such as that one and many doses of reality and witnessing what my M and situation were doing to my children before I left for good. That was my timeframe. You have yours, too.