FF,

Because much of what you have been discussing today applies to me, as well, I dug up a couple of the readings BrambleRose was talking about from the book The Language of Letting Go.

Oddly, I have had this book for 15 years. My mother bought it for me, but gave it to my best friend to give to me. She thought if I knew it was from her, I wouldn't listen. Now, where in the world could she have gotten that idea???

Perfectionism

Recovery from codependency is an individual process that necessitates making mistakes, struggling through problems, and facing tough issues.

Expecting ourselves to be perfect slows this process; it puts us in a guilty and anxious state. Expecting others to be perfect is equally destructive; it makes others feel ashamed and may interfere with their growth.

People are human and vulnerable, and that is wonderful. We can accept and cherish that idea. Expecting others to be perfect puts us in that codependent state of moral superiority. Expectiong ourself to be perfect makes us feel rigid and inferior.

We can let go of both ideas.

We do not need to go to the other extreme, tolerating anything people throw our way. We can still expect appropriate and responsible behavior from ourselves. But most of us can afford to loosen up a bit. And when we stop expecting others to be perfect, we may discover that they're doing much better than we thought. When we stop expecting ourselves to be perfect, we'll discover the beauty in ourselves.

Today I will practice tolerance, acceptance, and love of others as they are, and myself as I am. I will strive for that balance between expecting too much and expecting too little from others and myself.

Anger

Feeling angry - and sometimes, the act of blaming - is a natural and necessary part of accepting loss and change - of grieving. We can allow ourselves and others to become angry as we move from denial toward acceptance.

We we come to terms with loss and change, we may blame ourselves, our Higher Power, or others. The person may be connected to the loss, or he or she may be an innocent bystander. We may hears ourselves say: "If only he would have done that...If I wouldn't have done that...Why didn't God do it differently?..." We know that blame doesn't help. In recovery the watchwords are self-responsibility and personal accountability, not blame. Ultimately, surrender and self-responsibility are the only concepts that can move us forward, but to get there we may need to allow ourselves to feel angry and to occasionally indulge in some blaming.

It is helpful, in dealing with others, to remember that they, too, may need to go through their angry stage to achieve acceptance. To not allow others, or ourselves, to go through anger and blame may slow down the grief process.

Trust ourselves and the grief process. We won't stay angry forever. But we may need to get mad for a while as we search over what could have been, to finally accept what is.

God, help me learn to accept my own and others' anger as a normal part of achieving acceptance and peace. Within that framework, help me strive for personal accountability.

Letting Anger Out

It's okay to be angry, but it isn't healthy to be resentful. Regardless of what we learned as children, no matter what we saw role-modeled, we can learn to deal with our anger in ways that are healthy for us and for those around us. We can have our angry feelings. We can connect with them, own them, feel them, express them, release them, and be done with them.

We can learn to listen to what anger is telling us about what we want and need in order to take care of ourselves.

Sometimes we can even indulge in angry feelings that aren't justified. Feelings are just feelings; there is no morality in the feeling, only in our behavior. We can feel angry without hurting or abusing others or ourselves. We can learn to deal with anger in ways that benefit our relationships instead of ways that harm them.

If we don't feel our angry feelings today, we will need to face them tomorrow.

Today, I will let myself feel my anger. I will express my anger appropriately, without guilt. Then I will be done with it.

Pep, a little nurse silliness...STAT!


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No, I haven't but I will keep it in mind. After yesterdays conversation with y'all I will go back to Passionate Marriage and Codependency No More. I do have a very annoying habit of running from books when I have to face myself. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

No, he has no reason to lie but continues to do so I think because I do fill many if not most of his EN's. TT, I know he is hurtful and disrespectful to me however I do know that he cares deeply for me and that I have hurt him horribly with my words. Cussing at someone over and over is not a great way to get them to care about you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

I have it but have not picked it up yet. I will do so if it is an easy daily read. Goodness knows I can use an easy task at this point. I got your point about teaching others how to treat you. Thanks, BR

No wonder you understand me. Oh my she was so right. The choice is mine to stay and care for my kids. Thank you, BR. I needed that. I wrap my arms around them everyday. I would throw myself in front of a truck for them. They are the greatest gift God has ever given me, all three of them.

I called my older DS yesterday and told him "I know I don't see you much lately, but I wanted to tell you I love you." He said "I love you too, Mom" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I did good after my long talk with Pep yesterday. I prayed for God's forgiveness for my foul mouth, my unChristlike behavior and prayed that every word that comes out of my mouth would good example of his followers. I won't to be a potty mouth no more!

I backed off my H for now. I will call my attorney for advice. (no FL I did not call yesterday) However at this point, I do believe I need to concentrate on pulling myself together. Back to working on moi and stopping trying to "fix" my H.

Last night I squashed my urge to be superwoman. DS needed a bath right when got home due to a potty accident. Dinner needed to be made and DD needed help with her homework. I said "WH, would you like to give DS his bath or get dinner made?" He chose dinner and did a fine job at it. He also came home early to take me to pick up the van from the repair shop without complaint and he is picking up DS from daycare today so i can take DD to IC. Good progress don't you think?

ff!

That's VERY good progress! I'm proud of you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I struggled with that kind of thing a lot and starting the day Phil left, realized it and let my closest friends help me to learn to give that up that instinct to do it all.

I hope when I am faced with a real, everyday-life-love situation like you were with H yesterday, I will do so well! Way to go!

Sally

FF ~ I use that "trick" too.

If I just expect my husband to notice that I am overwhelmed and need help...I'm left angry and resentful because he doesn't respond the way I think he should.

Expectations are premeditated resentment.

But I ask him specifically for what task he'd like to do for me, he usually not only picks something but does it quite eagerly.

He likes praise and admiration. I learned to always say thank you and admire him for helping me. It makes him willing to help instead of annoyed.

Letting go of my pride, long enough to admit that I do need help, is a huge step for me. It lets me join the human race for a little while.

And remember, as a parent, asking for help is really important for your kids. If you don't, they are denied the opportunity to feel good about themselves for being part of a team. Which is what a family is....don't ya think? If you don't ask for help, you say to your other team members that you don't think they can, and sets you up in a seat of superiority that damages their self esteem.

I agree and my DD already exhibits some of that trait. I got through day 2 of asking him for help and he eagerly did. In addition, the other night after he made dinner he quietly did a few more tasks that needed doing. Wow. I have now gone 2 days without LB's, DJ's AO's though I was quiet and felt rather detached from him yesterday. I hope this is a good sign for me that I am on the road to accepting this major change in my life.

As aside to Pep, I picked up Passionate Marriage last night and went back to the emotional fusion page. That is my H and I. I can see why he doesn't want to move out even after the D. We are so attached emotionally. That is likely what every MC we have been to has seen. Every one has tried to help save our M because they see this deep emotional attachment between us and a chemistry. It is very difficult but I am going to work through that section of the book.

Something interesting I've found ~ when my will is running rampant ~ chaos reigns.

When I am taking care of me and my responsibilities,and detached from those things I can not control ~ peace and serenity come creeping up on me, almost without my noticing.

Made it through another day without my anger taking over. We actually had a rather enjoyable evening. We took DD out for pizza. I am still reading Passionate Marriage. I will keep plugging away at it. Yes, BR I do feel peace and serenity when I don't lose control. I feel pretty good about myself except for those moments that my anxiety starts to creep up. I am starting to like this idea of asking WH which task he would like to do. It involves him with the kids and allows me to let go of my resentment. hmmm..maybe control is not all it is cracked up to be.

I concur.

When is the divorce final?

Susan

I don't know yet. I should hear from my attorney in the next week or so when he has finished the paperwork. Then it will sit a judges desk for about 3 weeks.

To answer your next question, Susan, my WH is supposed to call the attorney about when I can "force" him out of the house. I am backing off for now so he does not see me as trying to control him. Right now I am hoping we can end this on a decent note and he will leave on his own volition. The more I push, the harder he pushes back. When I calmly mention we need to discuss visitation and living arrangements he is much more open to it. So for now I am not pushing. And no, he is not going to live here after the D.

Stupid stuff...he still lies to me about even stupid every day things. I asked why at this point he still needs to lie and he said "I don't know I can't seem to stop myself" and "I'll start telling you the truth after the D"

I just let that stuff go, it isn't worth it. I need to have a working, co-parenting relationship with him. If I am angry all the time it will spill over in front of the kids.

Why bother? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I'm sure he lies because he knows he should not still be married and living in that house with you and carrying on an affair.

Let go of the 'why'.

Doesn't matter. Just assume that when his lips are moving, he's lying.

Let go of the need to 'win' (get him to tell the truth) and get on with living your life! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

The above response from the WS about lying is quite telling. Keep this in mind when you deal with him. You have just been given a confession.

The next time he questions your judgement in a futile attempt to discredit you (a familar WS tactic), remind him you are aware of his lying WS tactics. I did this to mine. Call it reverse babble but it went something like this:

[color:"blue"] WS: You are trying to control me again. This is my house too you know. Don't touch my things. You have no right to touch my things. They are my things.

BS: Oh stop lying Ws. I am NOT trying to control you, I am trying to 'keep control' over our family so we don't end up with your stupid disease and start babbling and lying like you. BTW, control is not always a bad thing. Only when one uses it to enable his/her A. Now stop lying and being selfish. You know when you tell me NOT to touch your things and other such nonsense babble, it just makes me WANT to touch your things. LOL!!! Now, do your things have cooties on them or some other loathsome virus?!?!?!?
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I had a similar convo with my Ws. After plan A was done, I socked it to him with RB stuff. I no longer was willing to be his verbal punching bag and hence reverse babble was born. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

L.

BR, egg-zactly the conclusion my slow moving, stubbon brain came to last night. I will NEVER get the answers I want so why bother to ask WHY? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />