I meant to say that it causes great conflict in the affair.

Don't worry about getting baffled about refinancing, just ask him to move out, Kim. You don't have to figure out his plots. He is not in charge of anything.

Kim, did you tell him the OWH initiated contact with you in order to deflect some inappropriate guilt?

Maybe.....But I don't think so. I think I wanted WH to know that OWH was also interested in knowing what is going on....

Well, I just did started a thread about the refinance thing.....I won't worry about it then.

Things have calmed down here over the last two days. However; I have noticed WH's work phone is not left lying around where I can see it anymore. He is really hiding it.

You know what though. I don't care. Let him have at it with OW. He is about to get shoved out the door so I am practicing what it will be like when he's not here:
1 - I will be more relaxed.
2 - No more worrying when WH will be home(Is he meeting OW for breakfast????)
3 - DS and I can go out of town to see my parents more often as I am not doing Plan A anymore.
4 - I can rediscover myself
5 - We will get involved in a church program on a more consistent basis

I am sure I can add to this!!

Kim

Kim, that is the beauty of Plan B, you will be removing yourself from the daily drama, the disrespect, the pain. \

When do you plan on telling him? I think he gave you a great out when he told you this week he was moving out to punish you for calling the OWH. That will be a good lead in. Have you considered yet what you will say to him and what his possible reaction will be?

Do I give WH a day or two to move out or should I say effectie immediately I need you out today.(when I do ask him to move)

Monday might be a good day. WH is off work & DS will be at school?? Do I really need to be here to monitor what he packs?? I don't think he will take things that he shouldn't.

The thought of this is making me kind of queasy now. More nervous I guess.

The boss never called me back. I might be able to reach him today. Should I still give that a shot??

Kim

ML - we just cross posted.

Here is what I might say:

"WH, I have been doing a lot of thinking over the past couple of days and something that you have brought up several times makes a lot of sense to me right now. I believe it would be a good idea for you to move out. I still love you and I just don't want to be around you right now while you are still in a relationship with OW. It hurts too much. I will have that love for you still when you are ready to commit to working our M."

How's that?

Kim

I would give him a couple of days to move unless he is going to be abusive or try to manipulate you. You don't want to come across as mean or punishing, but on the other hand, you will have to be very firm and be on your guard.

It will be a tough thing to say, so I would suggest writing out what you want to say in advance so he doesn't rattle you and divert you from your mission.

I think that is perfect except the last line. I wouldn't promise him anything. You can talk about the future in a more specific way when you send the Plan B letter.

Now, the next step will be to anticipate his reaction. He probably won't like the idea of you taking control since he has had all the control up until now. What do you think his reaction will be?

ML -

Did you see my question about the boss??

I'm logging off for a while to spend time with DS - Have a great day in TX!!

Kim

Pray for strength and pray for the right words.

Thanks, Kim! I would put it off for now. You have bigger things to worry about this weekend.

O.k. - saw your post & want to respond.

I really need to think through what his reaction will be. I have asked him to leave once - back in June on our anniversary date when I found out he was out with OW having drinks before we were supposed to go out for dinner. I was so mad that he didn't dare argue with me. He went to a hotel for the night.

I think he will say "Where am I supposed to go. I cant' afford to go anywhere else."

He might ask if he can continue staying in the extra room & us start legal proceedings. Then when everything is done we will just split it all up.

I'm really not sure how he will react. I don't think he will all of a sudden say "OH, I want to work on the M." I do know that won't happen.

Kim

ML - I will try to pray. I have not been doing much of that lately.......I have been questioning why this has happened to me. That is not the right thing to be doing, but I know it is a normal feeling. I know there is a reason that God allows all bad things to happen. He always has a purpose for them, it's hard to understand but HE does.

Kim

Evil happens, not because God chooses it, but because he allows us FREE WILL. He is giving your H the free will to choose evil and destroy his family. God is not a cosmic puppeteer. And he gives you the free will to stand up to evil, WITH HIS HELP. You need his help more than ever now, Kim!

What will be your response to your H's possible objections?

To "I don't have anywhere to go, I can't afford it."


Me: "I guess that's something you will have to figure out. I just can't be around you right now knowing that you are still pursuing a relationship with OW."


To: "let me stay until we can get the legal things done."


Me: "I don't desire a legal separation from you right now. I just can't be around you because it hurts too much."


Lord, please give me strength and guidance as I stand up against the evil path that my husband has chosen. Help me to make wise decisions and choose the proper words as I talk to my husband. Lord, I pray that you will touch my husband's heart and cast out the evil that lives there now. Lord, I pray all of this if it is your will. Lord, I pray also that my experience will be able to help others here on this board. I pray that someone will be touched or inspired by my actions. In your name I pray. Amen.

Kimberly

On another note, WH called me on his way home from work. It appears that the boss told his supervisor that I had called the other day. WH wanted to know what in the world I was calling for. This caught me off guard - I didn't really reply to him right away.

WH said that I had asked if the boss was the one who had transferred him.(I wasn't sure if it was the boss or the supervisor). I said, that's what I wanted to know so my question was really answred.(chicken of me, but I didn't want to tell him what my intentions were at that point.)

WH went on to say that his job was already crappy. That he went from being very well liked there to not a favorite at all. He recently got passed up for a promotion( he had been offered it prior to me knowing about the A & he passed it up b/c it would have transferred him out & away from OW.)

I wanted to say "No wonder, you are not trustworthy. They know you have been having an A with an employee. Do you blame them at all??? You get what you deserve."

So I was getting the sob story. I didn't really have anything to say back to him, no comfort words. He said,"So I guess you really don't care about any of this that I am telling you???"

I said "No, quite the opposite. I do care. I care more than you can ever imagine."

WH: "And the rotten thing is that I care too about you. Yeah, I know, I have a funny way of showing it."

GEEZ.

Today when he left to go work out he made it a point to say he had his personal phone with him. Well, his work phone is still nowhere in sight. So what's the point?

Kimberly

Amen, God Bless, Kim. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> You will be fine with God on your side.

I like your responses. Also, if he starts hammering you with objections and you lose your calm, stick to a single statement that you repeat over and over. Something like: "I am sorry, but I need for you to do what you suggested and move out now."

Great suggestions Melodylane. & I plan on writing down what I will say on my Plan B-Day.

I tried calling WH on his work phone when he was on his way home from working out. I didn't get an answer. He called a few minutes later on his personal phone & said he was on his way home. I said "didn't you get my message?" He said "No, which phone did you call?"

Me: "Oh, I called you work phone."
WH: "I don't have that phone with me."

Hmmmmm. I still have not seen his work phone.

As WH was going up to bed, he said "You aren't going to call anybody tomorrow are you?"

GOOD GRIEF.

WH: "I don't need my alcoholic supervisor asking me 'Is there something you need to tell me WH? Why did your wife call?' ......Do you want to get me fired?"

Me: "No."
WH: "Just don't call anybody else o.k.? You said you didn't want to cause harm to OW, but you keep calling OWH. Now you say you don't want to get me fired. Just don't call."
Me: "We can talk about this later. I don't want to talk about this in front of DS" ** who was sitting right there in my lap ** Plus, it was late & WH should be just going up to bed.

I am wondering if his supervisor took his work phone & said he could use it during work hours only. I tried to sneak into the extra room to see if WH was charging it up. I'm afraid I was being a bit noisy.

I'm just curious. The boss/supervisor seem awfully suspicious........Guess my phone call did a little bit of stiring things up!

Kim

Was able to sneak into WH's room. Sure engough his work phone is in there with him. Oh well. Wishful thinking.

Here's another possible response from WH when I ask him to move out: "No, I can't do that."

ME: "Why should DS & I be displaced b/c of something wrong you have done? But if you won't move out, I can't make you. I will move."

**I have decided that if this happens, instead of doing something drastic like moving two hours away & uprooting DS from school I will see if my good friends will allow us to stay with them for a while**

Kim

Or you could contact an attorney and initiate a seperation agreement that would allow you stay in the house with DS. I don't think its a good idea for you to vacate your home and go stay with friends.