I dread the thought of contacting an attorney. It makes this whole things seem too real. But IT IS REAL. Still hard for me to believe.

I thought of another possible response from WH:
"There's hardly any relationship there between OW and me. I haven't seen here in weeks. She won't hardly talk to me."

Me: "But WH, you are still in pursuit of OW. Any bit of contact is too much. Again, it hurts me too much knowing that you are in touch with her at all. I am only acting on your suggestion that you move out."

I think he is going to possibly try to play down there contact/relationship and make it more into a friendship/caring thing.

Kim

Kim, don't let him fast talk you out of this seperation with a bunch of bs, ok? Don't let him bait you into an argument. It's not just you acting on "his suggestion," it is YOUR DECISION. You have decided you need to be seperated until this is all over and then you will make a decision about reconciliation. You don't have to get into longwinded explanations, you don't have to justify yourself. You would like him to move out.

Just repeat :
"I am sorry, but I need for you to do what you suggested and move out now." FIRM AND RESOLVED.

It doesn't matter if he downplays his contact, you need to seperate.

When are you planning on telling him?

Sounds good. Stand firm. Don't go into a long explanation.
I plan on telling him in the next day or so. I think I still need to think through any possible responses from him although I might have them pretty well covered.

He seems to be kind of down over the past couple of days. And short-tempered.

I am feeling a bit sorry for him today. Perhaps b/c I know what's in store for him. It does make me sad thinking of what I will be doing to him in the next couple of days. See, I do still care for him strongly. This is going to be hard.

I know, he cared less when he crosssed the line with OW and began his affair. But that's the difference between me and him. I am not thinking in a selfish manner.

Kim

And something he said last Sunday is stuck in my head:
"I just need one more screwy thing in my life and that will push me over the edge."

He has done all of this to himself. He can't seem to take responsbility for anything that has happened. It's all happening TO him.

Kim

Kim, another thing. While we are discussing possible objections, the key will be not to allow him to drag you into a convulated argument where he tries to manipulate you out of this. If you see that you are losing control of the discussion, just repeat:

"I am not going to argue about it, I need for you to do what you suggested and move out now. I need t seperate for a while."

Now, if he refuses to move, what will be your next move? What are your options? I honestly think it would be terrible to take your son and move in with friends. In fact, I think it would be terrible if you had to move at all, but if you do, don't you think it would be best to move to your parents where you can be with loving family and have a good job?

That's an excellent phrase. You are really helping me out so much with this. You see him as he is & know he's going to try to talk his way through this.

Moving 2 hours away, quitting my job here seems a bit drastic to me now that I'm thinking about it. However; my ultimate goal is to have my whole family down there. It seems like such a big step.........

Moving in with my friends would be rather inconvenient. They are not in my current school district so I would have to adjust my schedule quite a bit to accomodate getting DS to school. They are caring people and I know I would get a lot of support from them. It would be a huge hassle for me though & the goal is not to create more strain for me......

I will think about that more....I'm off to get ready for church.

Kim

Yes, it will be very hard, Kim. But remember, you aren't doing anything to him, this is in his best interest and the best interest of your marriage. What you are doing is the best possible thing for your marriage. As long as things continue on as they are, he can continue to destroy your family and your marriage. You are not helping him by making you and your son available for further harm.

You are protecting your family from his evil influence, and in doing so, may hopefully wake him up and bring him back to his senses. Your H has lost his mind and is doing harmful things to your family now. It is up to you to protect yourself and your son from him. This is the GREATEST HOPE you have to save your family. Because your marriage will not be saved unless and until he stops his affair.

Your actions are meant to hopefully end his affair. So, you are not doing something *TO* him, you are doing something *FOR* him because you love him and you love your family.

Kim...

a small discussion about safety.... are there any firearms in your home?

if there are ... quietly and secretly remove them and place them with a friend....

Now......

here's something I picked up reading your latest updates ... your husband is not really willing to let go of you entirely ... he may very well be concerned that you have plan s to "move on" and see other men !!!! I know, hard to believe how astonishingly stupid WH is ... but this is probably in the back of his mind .... "Hmmmmm if I move out, what's Kim going to do?"

If this ever comes up (and don't YOU bring it up yourself) say this : "Are you concerned that I might try adultery as a way of life?"

Be sure you use the word adultery and NOT "affair" .... ~and~ be sure you only ask a question

NEVER give a
"yes" or a
"no, of course not" response ... don't even give a "maybe" response.... just ask a question back at him.

And if he tends to corner you and pepper you with "What are you going to do next?" type of anxious-ridden stuff .... ask him a question as your response. This is another tool besides the "broken record" technique that Mel has explained to you. (good job Mel)

Has he accused you (yet) of having someone waiting in the wings?

Remember ... ask a question back when he asks about what you might do next.

examples:

What are you worried about?

Can you repeat the question?

What makes you ask that?

Do you think I ought to do that?

Are you suggesting I do that?

How would I go about that?

When would you like me to start?

....... and the fun part ??? It dosen't have to make sense AT ALL in the context of the question he asked you !!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <--- "evil jenus" smile Haaaaa

In fact, the more confusing your response, the better. Just be certain your face and vocal tone only convey neutral emotions.

Get it?

Oh .... just remembered...

start asking your WH for cash.

I'm going to buy the kids shoes. I need some folding. Can I have $50?

He may say something like "I only have a $20."

OK. I'll take that."

Start putting CASH aside ... HIS cash ... for a rainy day when you want to go to a movie or "sompin" with the kids !!! He ought to be financing something worthwhile.

Ask him sweetly and look directly into his eyes and say "Please. We need this $$ today."

But if he refuses, don't argue. But ask him this : "Well, we need cash. How much have you got on you?"

pick this man's pocket for heavens sake !!!!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <--- "evil jenus"

she is evil to the core! lol <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

[great advice, Pep!]

MelodyLane - I know WH is not going to see it that way. Why? b/c he is still so incredibly selfish. I have read this over and over again so it will stick in my head. This is so very true.

I do love him and my family. I just hope he will see how much one day.

Kim

Kim, no, he will not see it that way, you are right. Don't even try to get him to see it that way. I told you that for your sake, because I don't think you understand it. I know he won't, because he is blinded by self will run riot.

[quote]Kim...

a small discussion about safety.... are there any firearms in your home?

Yes - 2 rifles that are very old. Were his Grandads. Not sure if they even work.

if there are ... quietly and secretly remove them and place them with a friend....

He would definitely notice they were gone. They live right inside the bedroom closet door.

Now......

here's something I picked up reading your latest updates ... your husband is not really willing to let go of you entirely ... he may very well be concerned that you have plan s to "move on" and see other men !!!! I know, hard to believe how astonishingly stupid WH is ... but this is probably in the back of his mind .... "Hmmmmm if I move out, what's Kim going to do?"

Hmm... I'm not sure Pep. I don't think he is too worried. His mind seems to be all on OW and how he can continue protecting her - from me as well as OWH.

If this ever comes up (and don't YOU bring it up yourself) say this : "Are you concerned that I might try adultery as a way of life?"

b]O.K. - I will remember that. I have been trying on some of my "sexy" negligees that he has bought for me over the years. I have left them out in view in the closet. I don't know why, it just reminds me that I can still pull that off. And I guess it wouldn't hurt if his mind started to wonder why in the world I had those on in the first place!!! Is that evil of me??[/b]

Has he accused you (yet) of having someone waiting in the wings?

No

Regarding the answer a question with a question:
In fact, the more confusing your response, the better. Just be certain your face and vocal tone only convey neutral emotions.

Get it?

AWESOME! GOT IT![/ quote]

Great info Pep!!

Kim

YEP, BLIND AS A BAT FOR THAT MATTER.

Kim

Then take away all the bullets!

Pep,

You have me a bit worried about the firearm thing. WH is not at all violent(ONLY EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE!!!!!!!!!) LOL. Seriously, I don't believe he has it in him to harm anyone. Oh, except for maybe OWH.

Kim

Well ... since you are gearing up for Plan B ... you never know how a husband will react when he is being asked to leave ...

use your instinct and your judgement ... I trust you.

Hiding the bullets might not be a bad plan.... Better safe than sorry as the sayin goes. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I did come up with a few other things that I need to think through......

Currently, I see that DS gets off to school o.k every morning. WH takes care of picking him up at the neighbor's huse in the afternoons. This allows me to work until 5 PM & then make the 45 minute commute home. SO, DS is not in someone elses care past 5 Pm on any given day. If I get WH to move out, I need to have a plan in place regarding DS.

Options:
1 - I could explain some of my situation to my employer & ask if I can leave every day by 4:15 so DS's schedule does not change. I will offer to come in on Fridays to make up for doing that.
2 - I could continue having WH pick up DS at 5 PM, but tell him he would need to drop DS back off at the neighbors at 5:45 which is when I normally get home. I would pick DS then(would have to o.k. this with the neighbor.)
3 - WH could be there everyday when DS got off the bus. This could be their daily time together before I get home. WH would have to agree upon a prearranged time to drop DS back home/or at the neighbors.

I also talked to one law firm today. They said that there is really not a "legal separation" in my state, that is "separate maintenance". She said it costs the same as a divorce & that she never does those anymore. There is a 6 month cooling period I believe before a divorce is final.....She also said that I should not move out, that if I did it would me more difficult for me to get back in.

I know I can't legally make him move. If he knows that, I think he might refuse to move.....

Kim