So, here's something that I'm really wrestling over when it comes to a limited exposure versus full and complete disclosure. I'm worried about making my W's life (like in school and with my family and her family) very, very difficult without at least attempting a limited exposure to OMW. But then I also understand that it's probably the "very, very difficult" part of exposure that makes it work when it does.

If I do a full exposure without trying a limited one first and my wife comes back after that, will I regret the pain that I've caused for not having tried something less extreme first? I know these are probably questions asked by everyone in my place. I also know that the possible pain that I cause by exposure pales in comparison to the pain that I'm feeling now, and that I should be more committed to doing whatever is necessary to stop the A and rebuild my marriage. I don't know.

Scott

Seriously consider if this marriage is something you want, please.

If you decide to try to save your marriage:

Exposure doesn't work so quickly. It takes time. In my case it was a few months before I really saw it's effect on my wife.

She was like your wife. She was controlled very much while she was young (by her parents), and so she told me that I was 'controlling' her. Don't pay too much attention to that, it's just her way of justifying/rationalizing what she is doing.

The bigger impact your expose has, the more effect it will have on both of them. Talk to her parents, your parents, to his wife, and to his parents even. In your wife and his mind this is 'romantic'. Once they see that everyone sees them as behaving sleazy, they will begin to wake up.

If you worry about pushing your wife away or hurting her, dont. She's sleeping with another man, take charge and do these things in the interest of protecting your family. Every time my wife contacted the OM I told her parents, even though she would get livid. By having a consequence for her actions, she'll quickly learn to think twice about some of her actions.

Every time my WW got mad and said I was controlling/pushing her away by exposing or reinforcing my boundaries, I just told her I was doing it because I loved her and my family and I would fight anything that would endanger them. Not only did this take the fire out of her eyes, but it was attractive to her how I stood strong with good morals.

This is just so hard on me, but I realize that I can only feel so sorry for myself when so many other people have gone through the same thing.

I want more that anything in the world to save my marriage with her... but then I also see myself not being willing to take the steps necessary to actually make that happen.

sundog, your post, like others I've read, has given me a little more inspiration and courage in my "inspiration and courage bank" to do what I have to do to save my marriage. I must say that it really helps a lot when I read stories that sound like it could have been me doing the writing. Those kind of posts really hit home... thanks.

(btw, I'm also reading a really great (not happy great, but information-filled great) thread ( wife wants to leave me for the OM ) which has really made me think about things.)

Scott

So, W said that Wednesday night would be the best night for us to get together and talk and have dinner like she originally suggested. I emailed her last on Sunday about it, and now it's Tuesday (technically 1 am Wed).

My question is... well, I'm really more asking for a prediction: Do you think that there is any chance that my W will actually contact me to make plans for tomorrow, or is she just playing games with me?

I know ultimately she's just playing games. I think I might actually hope that she doesn't write or call just to make me be more honest with myself, and give me a push to do the things I need to do to save our marriage.

Every day, there's one moment when I'm coming home from school and I realize that she's not going to be home... and it hits me like a ton of bricks... I feel like the wind has been knocked out of me. It's been about 2.5 weeks since she's left, but I'm finally starting to feel less sorry for myself and more ready to fight for our marriage and happiness.

Scott

Scott -

Hi - I have read bits of your thread. Don't really have a prediction for you, but keep making yourself stronger so you can put up good fight for you M.

You have been getting good advice here, just wanted to tell you that I feel for you and couldn't imagine what it feels like to have your spouse just up and go.

It sounds like you are feeling a bit better about yourself. Baby steps.

Take Care,

Kimberly
d-Day May 14th
DS, age 6
Married 13 years
Moving into Plan B. WH just doesn't get it. Still planning a life with OW.

Yeah, I think I made the prediction for myself... and either way, it doesn't change anything if she continues living with OM. I'm reading Evermore's thread also, and I feel paralyzed by the same fear she feels. However, that fear is lessening every day.

I just have to look at it and say "Where is fear getting me?"... Nowhere. That doesn't make the fear go away, but I feel like a fire has been lit inside myself, and I just need to fan the flame a bit more. I just hope that I'm not waiting too long.

Overcome your fear. My WH told me that the OWH beat his wife. This frightened me into keeping my mouth shut. I believe it was all a big lie.

My WH threatened to leave me if I contacted OWH again. I have contacted him twice since. WH didn't leave, but now I have told my WH to move out.

Take that first step. It gets much easier after that. Don't enable the affair any longer.

Kim

Kim,

Thanks for your support. I've been reading your thread, too. I haven't had any wise words to offer you, but I just wanted to tell you that I'm pulling for you.

Scott

no cute name

prediction?

well not sure about those, however is I suspect she will keep you hanging on "just in case" OM doesn't work out or goes back to his W.

Why? Because she is what we call cake eating.

She will most likely keep you on the line, twitching on the hook and letting you wriggle for as long as you let her..its that simple.

You have 2 choices .. DV her or expose FULLY and attempt a plan A for now.

Thats being in your case, a plan where someone goes out with friends as well as answering as many of her needs as you can now......but set some boundaries. E.g no talk about or meeting OM, OM does not come near you or your home, etc what makes YOU feel safer, she does not talk about her OM with you UNLESS its to say she wants to come home..if that happens you have another situation and need to set different boundaries ..but leave that until then.

Why do I say for you to go out with friends? well thats because she’s living with OM and needs to see you getting on without her IMPROVING yourself and making yourself a more attractive package so to speak..eg person who meets needs, uses Joint agreement, etc etc.
Should you go out with friends & I don’t mean other women here, I mean friends.. Now never never tell your ww who you are going out with..'just a friend' DO NOT LIE just leave it vague.
Like exposure it will unsettle your WW little fantasy world thinking you may not be there for her 'just in case'.
But meanwhile you are nice as pie trying to meet her needs when she will let you.

If you are talking to her now or going out for dinner to 'discuss' matters do not ever come across as weak & needy. Maintain YOUR boundaries of respect for yourself.

Frankly right now I suspect she is willing to meet you to stop you exposing to OMW & her family ...DO NOT FALL FOR THIS.

Right now it means you have to suck it all up and just swallow the hurt if you want to save your M. Only you can judge if you can do that and if not..well consider leaving the M ASAP for YOUR sake.

This is probably the toughest thing you have ever had to do.

and right now STOP TALKING ABOUT IT ..expose and YES YOU WILL GET some anger ... but its not exposure that will ever prevent reconciliation & saving your M..its your inaction and her adultery.
Unsettle her adultery & you have a chance.

aussieswife,

Unfortunately, I have no friends where I live, and possibly no friends, period. She was at school here without me for 2 years, and since I've come to school, she's been my only friend. However, I do hear your point that I can't just sit at home and cry and wallow in my own self-pity.

I've drafted my email to OMW. And when I hear back from her, I plan to call my ILs and emain W's friends.

BTW, W wrote to say she was tired all week and asked to reschedule our meeting for Sunday....

Scott

AAAHHHHhhh!!!!!
Going to hit SEND!!! I swear!.... No turning back now!!!

DID IT!!!

Whew, that was seriously, hands down, the single hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. Telling a person that her husband, who moved out only recently, has been having an affair for 4 months is not easy.

I'm sure telling W's parents won't be any easier.

You know,

I hope OM doesn't have the ability to check or screen his wife's email. Hmmm....

So, I had to trick myself into sending that email. I was like "Oh, press that little button first.... Now, this other harmless button over there.... Now, this other button... Ahhh!!!, that was the SEND button!" But I feel a small sense of relief now, while I wait for the "stuff" to hit the fan.

Great job. Now get ready for the uproar. You will hear all of the standard - now I'm getting a divorce, how could you do that, I'll never trust you again, why are you hurting his wife like this, why are you in my business, you are controlling, this is the final straw, blah, blah, blah.

Trust me, I'll certainly need help dealing with that. But I guess I've come to the right place for that kind of help. I find it very scary just waiting now. Any thoughts on how to respond to what I'm sure to hear would be greatly appreciated. I'm just trying to prepare myself for it by reading the posts of everyone else going through the same thing.

Well,
I'm starting to think that I'm not going to hear from OMW tonight. The waiting is just as hard as sending the email in the first place. I wish SOMETHING would happen.

Scott

Hey Scott,

I can relate to the waiting. It freaked me out so bad that I ended up telling WH what I did myself. I could not live with keeping a "secret" from my WH. At the time, I couldn't understand how in the world WH kept his "secret" life with OW from me for so long. The guilt was eating me up inside(Yeah, hard to believe that I felt guilty)

You did the right thing though! Way to go!!!!!! I can see you sitting at the computer right now tricking yourself to send the e-mail.

Come back here for support and keep us posted!! My WH was slightly upset first, but got angrier later. He told me that "he understood" why I did it. That later changed to "I can't understand why." All babble/fog talk.

Kim

Scott,

You probably won't hear from OM's W tonight. There may well be a bit of a discussion going on in their household right now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> If you don't hear in a few days, call and make sure she got the email and offer any evidence you might have. However, I have a feeling she knows as her H is living with your W.

I believe it was Pepperband or perhaps Orchid that asked someone a question on this site a few months ago. I really liked the question because it is really to the point.

The question is
You may not realize this but you really do have little to fear. Your W is gone emotionally, physically, and spiritually. So you don't have to fear losing her. You don't have to fear the end of your marriage, it is actually already ended. The vows have been broken.

So start exposure with Om's W, and then gradually widen the circle of who you tell. Don't wait long, and don't fear her anger, she will be. That is a given. Expose OM to colleagues and his department. Your W is young, and clearly very confused. Let her NOT be confused about one thing. You have NO FEAR when it comes to fighting to regain your marriage to her. She may be confused, she may have doubts, but you need to look her in the eye and simple state, "when it comes to fighting for you and my marriage I have no fear."

Time to face reality Scott, she is gone. The other reality is that she is going to have to make many decisions before you can rebuild your marriage. You don't need to fear those decisions because truely you cannot affect them. What you can change is the environment in which she is functioning and that is why Plan A, calls for you to expose, eliminate LB's, set your boundaries, while offering her a path home.

Complicated in someways but straight forward in others.

Hang in there, she has not been gone a month. OM has not had enough time to LB himself and start to remove units from her bank. He will.

God Bless,

JL

She responded, but I'm too afraid to read it. I guess I'm going to have to get over that, huh?

Okay, read it... not too bad. She wants to know more. Huh... feel better again. Wow, this whole situation sucks.

Scott

Hello, ncn. Sorry you need to be here. But this is a good place to find help.

Exposure is hard, isn’t it? But, it’s a very good thing, a very powerful tool for both ending adultery and preventing adultery in the first place. Think of it as strong and effective medicine, it just tastes bad.

I found out about my FWW’s Long Term Affair (LTA) the first time in 1998. Long before I read SAA or found MB. We went to MC, IC, had interminable heart to heart talks - the whole nine yards. I really thought we were recovering.

But I did not expose. W convinced me it would be mean, vindictive and counterproductive. She threatened immediate D if I talked to anyone, especially OM or his BW. W basically frightened me into not exposing.

Of course, the A continued without a pause for another six years. It just went farther underground. You bet FWW did not want exposure. She did not even tell OM I knew.

After D-Day 2 I exposed to the world. It created amazing discord between them and OM dropped FWW like a hot potato. (My W’s OM is a player which I suspect yours is also, BTW). Also, OM’s BW has become a very effective ally.

So, the moral here is: don’t be like I was. Don’t set yourself up for the misery of an LTA like I did. Shine all the light you can into the darkness of adultery as quickly as you can. It is amazingly effective and it is the right thing to do.

Here is an interesting article on breaking the code of secrecy surrounding affairs. You are not alone in worrying over exposure. You are conditioned this way along with the rest of us by society in general: http://www.dearpeggy.com/secrets.html

Aussieswife is correct in what she wrote about adultery so early in a marriage without children. Dr Harley recommends thinking very carefully whether it is at all worth it now. You can find the article in which he recommends this on the main MB site.

One last thing: you need to read more than just these forums. I get the impression from your posts you have not yet read even the basic concept articles on the main site here. Also SAA, Torn Asunder, Not Just Friends and HNHN will give you right tools with the correct explanations to deal with the early stages of this crisis. These forums are a good place to get advice and support. But you need to treat this like the term paper of your life and do some true research.

With prayers,

Aphelion,

I've read all of the infidelity info on the main site and have ordered SAA and HNHN. However, I must say that it's very difficult to apply what I read and learn to my own situation. I feel stupid after everyone here has to point out my errors in thinking, and wonder why I can't see things more objectively myself. But then when I read the posts of others, it seems like I'm not the only one with this problem.

The thing that you can get from message boards that you cannot from books is the fact that on the boards, I get information from real people who've had the same problems that I'm having, and they can tell me what has worked and what has not in their own situations. With books, well, a lot of dumb people have written a lot of dumb books, and you have to take into account that one goal of writing a book (especially on a topic like infidelity) is to sell a lot of books. So, I wonder if the book is just going to tell me what I'm going to hear.

[Sorry, I don't mean to sound like I'm bashing moveable print or literacy in general. I'm just expressing some concerns about self-help books in general.]

Scott