Some news:
OMW and I have been writing a lot of long emails back and forth sharing all of the information we have with one another. In a conversation with her H yesterday, OMW let it out that she had confirmation that he's been cheating on her for the past few months, but she didn't say where she got the information from.

Today, of course, my W calls (she left a messsage) to tell me that she can't make the meeting we were supposed to have today. At the end of the call she asked me if I had contacted OMW. What should I tell her and how should I tell it to her?

I am not afraid of her finding out. This is an important part of the whole exposure idea, right? OMW said that OM was furious and he wanted to "punch in the face" of whoever told her since he feels the chance for him to tell her has been taken away. That made me laugh out loud.

Any advice about what I should tell WW and why I should tell her I did what I did?

Scott

Hi ncn,
I’m sorry for the ordeal you are going thru.

I just wanted to tell you that I’m in a somewhat similar predicament. My WW has left me, we have no kids, and Steve says no plan B, I mostly Emails etc.

I’m trying to figure out how to email to her. I think I’m LoveBusting by being to pushy. When I reed Shattered5’s I can’t see myself being so independent.

DLK21

ncn....
Hey I noticed you wrote the last post over a month ago....are you on a new thread???

Daisy

I said to myself "Hey, I recognize that post title..."

Daisy, nope, there's another thread where I posted a few things about my exposure experiences. But I stopped posting for a while when I started talking to Steve. I'm not sure why. I was a little scared away by how busy the board was.

DLK21, yeah, Steve told me the same thing. I've slipped up some. I try to reason with her, and I try to educate her of MB concepts... against Steve's advice.

Okay, I'm not a big coincidence person, but a couple of things strike me:

-My wife moved out on the same day as yours.
-I discovered the extent of her infidelity by looking at her emails.
-DLK are my mom's initials.

Okay, that's enough of the conspiracy theory stuff.

Daisy, I'm going to try to change the title of my first post now. Wish me luck.

Hello Scott,

Just want to address the matter of the emails for the OM's wife. I agree with Pep, there is probably no right to privacy on emails, but there may be a way around the right to privacy if it DOES exist: Tell the OMW to have her attorney serve you with a subpoena duces tecum (where you have to produce documents) and then you have no choice but to comply. Then, if you live in a state where adultery is grounds for divorce or if adultery can help the OMW leave the marriage in a better condition than she would for more innocent grounds, she can benefit. Morally, this seems only fair to me.

And next: your wife says her lover want to - what was it -- "punch" the person who blew the whistle on him to his wife? ROFL. That is the nuttiest thing I heard all week!

He's shtupping a married woman, but the married woman's husband has no right to warn his wife? Lord, where did that come from?

So sorry you are dealing with this mess when you should be enjoying the best part of your married life. Oh, and the "never loved you/ was always hurting/ felt pushed into marriage" lines? Textbook cheater script.

Bellevue,

Thanks for the legal advice. OMW has decided to file on grounds of mental cruelty instead of adultery. Her lawyer advises her that this will get things over and done with faster.

She is currently making all of their house payments as he is in grad school. She doesn't want to be spending any more time than necessary paying in 100% to something out of which she will only get 50% after the divorce.

On another note, she is waivering a little now about whether or not she really wants a divorce.

ncn

ncn...

hmmmm....OM is in grad school......so was my H......they do seem to have a lot in common.....

I think D is hard. It does not surprise me she is unsure.....I go between I am done and I want to keep fighting for this M about 20 times a day.....

These are life changing decision....they are not that easy to make....especially if she still cares for him

Daisy

About exposure to OMW.

When I exposed my WW’s A I played it as trying to get information on a man that has appeared in my life without my knowing anything about him and wanting to get some support from others. It went over okay that way for me although my WW’s OM is not married. You can also say you are jealous and wanted to know more about him. I did not say to my WW I was exposing to speed up the demise of their A. What is nice about this is that now OM is seen as a cheater on OMW by your WW.

My Emails made some headway this time. I reflected her attitude completely in it and as advised by Steve Harley simply stated as a matter of fact that I believe our relationship is not terminal and that I’d like to tell her about it when she feels like listening. She replied that she is but that I can not force her to accept my point of opinion. That is great by me.

Hang in there

DLK21

DLK21,

To whom did you expose?


I'd like to think that that's what she thinks, but as she sees it, they each gave each other the strength needed to get out of bad relationships. This always gets to me. I just read this in another thread somewhere:

If he did it with her, he can do it to her.

But she won't allow herself to see it.

She never told me that she was unhappy in our relationship. She thinks that a successful marriage should just happen. She has said that (paraphrasing) if it takes work, then it wasn't meant to be.

On the other hand, right after d-day, she said that she had tried to make things work with me for months, but she couldn't try anymore. First, it's troubling that she thinks that "trying" to make things work without informing me of her efforts somehow counts as trying. Second, this supposed effort of hers seemingly contradicts her idea that successful marriages just happen.

For a couple weeks, I debated her on these points. I finally realized how futile this was. I think I finally have it in me to stop trying to discuss things logically with her.

[color:"#01BB1E"]ncn[/color]

Okay, I'm in convince myself of what I already know mode right now.

I was just thinking about how excited my wife[color:"blue"] always [/color]was about planning her future with me. Before I started going to school with her she was planning what my major would be and what classes I would take and if we would be able to take any classes together.

She would talk about us finding jobs in the same school, and how we would handle going back to grad school, and how we could both be professors at the same college. (this is not just short-term planning)

We were both going do our student teaching in the Chicago suburbs. She was very excited about this and was obsessed with finding us an apartment in the city where we would be teaching in January. This was last spring; just a month or two before her affair started.

Why would she be so happy and excited about her future with me if she was as miserable with me as she claims? This bothers me a lot.

Now, she is planning her future with OM. Through some snooping, I've seen that she's applied to grad schools far, far away from here in places where OM might be able to get a job at a university. Her planning hasn't stopped, she's just conveniently replaced me as the person with whom she's doing her planning. And of course, she hasn't told any of this to her family. She even skipped out on Thanksgiving this year to spend it alone with OM. She just keeps trying to insulate herself completely from the anyone who might disapprove of what she's doing. Ahhh, what I would give for her just to spend a couple days apart from OM... to give either of them a chance to think independently about what they're doing. As it is, though, I'm sure they are constantly reinforcing in each other how right everything is between them.

I guess that's one thing to hope for; that the constant clinginess of them both being around each other all the time and not having any time to think for themselves causes them to start LBing... I hope. I hope that they are paranoid (as they probably should be) that the person with whom they are cheating is a cheater themselves. I hope W sees how horribly OM has treated his own wife and that she is next in line for that kind of treatment. I just hope that this starts to happen soon.

Lemonman mentioned this on another thread, but I don't know how long I can keep this up while remaining psychologically and emotionally stable. My wife is extremely intelligent, but also extremely stubborn. Most of my life with her, I've been on the right side (her side) of her stubbornness. I just wonder after what I've said to her and the exposing I've done, if she will hold onto the affair that much tighter just to prove everyone wrong. I guess that's not a bad thing. That's something that causes people to start LBing even more.

If you've read this, sorry. I'm allowed to rant and ramble, this is my thread. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Anyway... [color:"#01BB1E"]ncn[/color]

I exposed to all her and our friends, mostly the close ones but some that she does not see that often, her parents, her sister and brother, a close aunt, her close cousins. All in all, I got mostly pity but and little pro marriage support. “If she was not happy”…sort of line. “Don’t want to take sides” or “she is my XYZ”. But At least I put the spin out there that she cheated on me and that I’m very hurt (all of witch is true).

Your experience is useful to me. I feel more confident after reading you.

ncn....

yes, you are allowed to rant and ramble.....even on my thead if you like <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I don't understand the planning and all either.....H and I were planning a vacation to Greece at the end of May and then we bought a car 2 weeks before he left and we were talking about going to visit his family in the summer......there was some long run talk...yet over time he liked that less and less so that should have been a clue to me......he went so far as to say no kids....when we always talked about them....he was saying no kids because he did not want to risk them having depression and I was understanding of that and began to accept that I would not have children with him and I was fine with that....than boom of he goes......

And even after he left he would still do the "we" talk......we should get this....we should go here.....we we we....and now, i was just a friend all along....BS.......

So, sorry for rambeling on your thread.....I hate turning this stuff over and over in my mind.....I want a break!
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
Daisy

Well, it's been over a week since I've heard from WW in any form. She emailed me last week to say that maybe we could get together on Sunday. I told her that I'd be fine with that but she would need to let me know when and where. Of course, it's now a week past Sunday, and 10 days after she emailed me, and I didn't here from her in all that time. I left a voice mail on her cell phone to tell her happy thanksgiving.

So, today, she emailed me to tell me that she stopped by to drop off some mail that she'd picked up at her parents house and was shocked to see my car at our apartment. She asked if I ended up not going home for thanksgiving.

Okay, here's my problem(s): I don't know what I should tell her. I didn't go home for thanksgiving because I didn't want to deal with all the drama of telling my family what has been happening... I also had lots of school work, too.

I also admit that I'm more than a little offending that she was just going to drop by here while I was gone. I want to ask her if it's also okay for me to stop by her lovenest with OM while they're not there. Her parents are paying for our apartment while we're both in school, so if I say anything to her, she's going to bring that up. However, OM is in school and took money from his and OMW's bank account to pay for the lovenest, so I then want to ask if it's okay for OMW to drop by the lovenest whenever she wants... and if I can if I have OMW's permission.

I'm sure none of this would be very helpful, but how do I ask WW to respect my boundaries while she is living with OM?

Okay, now she just called three times. On my cell, on my apartment phone, then again on my cell. She left a voice mail saying that she'd emailed me and that she was "concerned" since my car had been here over thanksgiving break. She told me to call her back. I really think that she just wants something from the apartment and is upset that I was here so she couldn't come get whatever she wanted.

I hate this. I don't know what I should do. Should I call her back even though she went 10 days without responding to me?

Wow, .... well, she just showed up at our apartment. I answered the door and repeated what she said in the voice mail. (she was concerned about the fact that my car was here over break.) She said she wanted to make sure that I wasn't dead after accidentally hitting myself in the head with a frying pan. She had tears in her eyes while she was saying this. I invited her in to get her own mail that had accumulated.

When she was leaving she said that we should talk; that things were finally "clear in her head", but she thinks that things are probably not clear with me.

I told her that she should tell me when she wants to talk. I remained composed while she was here, but didn't say much. I don't know what to make of any of this, and I hate that she would say something about things being "clear" to her and not say anything more and just leave.

Well, I'm a bit of an emotional wreck now.

My sympathy ncn. It is very tuff. The not knowing also.

If you would like to talk on the phone let me know.

I find it so hard to not LB and still be there.

I'll post back.

ncn....

WOW....I'm so sorry for what you are going through....that is hard to take........I think it is good she at least wants to talk......but leaving you hanging like this....that must be hard....please take care ncn....

Daisy

Except the last 3 times she's "wanted to talk", she's either cancelled or avoided me. I'm just physically ill from all the mind games she's pulling with me.

ncn.....

I did not realize that. Did SH suggest to you how to deal with that.....

By saying "we should talk" at some point in the future....it may be her way of avoiding the issue.......that way you get off her back......I really hope that is not the case.......

Daisy

Daisy:

I guess I just don't see it that way.

What I see is a manipulative witch who knows she can pull the puppets strings any time she wants, and she needed a "fix" because there were no "strings" to pull for the whole weekend.....she had to go and make sure for herself that things were "still the same"...and guess what? She is now comforted because indeed things are intact and it will be "business as usual" for her.

That is what I see, but WTF do I know, I ain't the expert....perhaps it was her way of reaching out to him....as a resulf of his Plan A and creation of a safe haven for her...could be, dunno

Lem