This post is over in Just Found Out, thought I'd re-poast here on someones suggestion.

Here is the URL:http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/showflat.php?Cat=0&Number=2825399&an=0&page=0#2825399

I will repost my posts so you won't have to go back and forth.

I just found out a week and half ago my wife was seeing someone else. It has torn my world apart. The next day I come home from work and she is packing up and moving to her sisters.

We have been together 7 years. We have a 5 year old son together who is awsome. I've not been the best husband, I've negeltected her in the past. I'm sure that's why she was drawn to someone else. He gave her attention when I wasn't. Now she's addicted to that feeling and even though I've changed and have tried showing her each and every day it don't seem to help, still she talks to him. I just went by her job and he was there. It's killing me.

I've lost over 20 pounds, I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't think. I'm weak, dizzy, and cry all the time. I've poured my heart out to her, begging for her to come home, that I forgive her, I just want to show her I've changed. This is nothing we can't work through. She says she still loves me and I belive that. She feels guilty for what she's done and she apologizes for it. She still cries over me and tells me she loves me and she knows I love her. But I'm not sure the price my body and mind is taking.

I've changed and I'm doing everything I can to make her see that. I love her with all my heart and soul, her and my son are my life. It's falling to peices without them. I've read through this site over the past week and I guess I'm on to Plan A. I hope I can weather this storm cause it's taking a hard toll on me. I don't have insurance and can't afford counseling. I know I need help for myself cause this depression is killing me. I just want my wife back.

The other man isn't married and I have told anyone who will listen about the affair. her family hates me always have but even they don't approve of the other man. Doesn't mean they like me. That's always been an issue in the marriage, her familys control over her. The OM found her in a moment of weakness and took advantage of that. So far it's only been an emotional affair, she has admitted they kissed about a week back and thats it. She's always been honest with me if I ask the right questions. So I belive her.

We have been through alot in 7 years and this is tough. But I am willing to do what it takes to make it work, I do pray, I pray God guides her back and away from those that persuade her. That he helps lift her fog and allow her to see the real me, the changed man. I've told her there is nothing but love, forgiveness and understanding in my heart and that my arms and door are always open for her.

I trully do forgive her, I have no hate towards her and I've told her that. We've had alot of people offer to help us, to sit down and discuss what's going on. We did talk with a pastor, he's a friend of ours and it helped alot, she said it felt good to get some tuff out in the open. So I'm hopeing she'll want to do more of that. She knows what she's doing is wrong, and that it's not just hurting me, but our son as well. I've not been perfect and we've both made mistakes in the past. But when she fails it's usually because I did first. She's always followed my lead.So I guess I do need to start forgiving myself as well.

Her affair was going on for 3 weeks when I found out last Thursday. Nothing physical, just talking. they had kissed once. I asked her just last night if they had done anything and she said no, just kissed that once. I have no illusions about anything so I'm prepared for the worst. But she does feel guilty about this whole thing and I told her to be careful. She's not stupid, just vulnerable, and that's my fault.

The OM is not married, he's divorced and his wife left him for some unknown reason. To make it worse he works next door to my house at an amubulance service. I haven't been staying at my home, I've been with my sister cause being here is too hard for me. I don't trust myself alone, not yet.

I cry alot. In front of her, in front of anyone really. I am hurting bad and am taking a huge physical toll on myself. I've lost over 20 pounds and can barely find the motivation to breath. Only the fact that she says she don't want a divorce and that she still loves me give me hope. I'm very weak, I find it hard to stand for long periods of time and get dizzy easy.

Just posting this is making me upset, cause it reminds me of the pain. I don't hate her for it, I hate myself for allowing this to happen. Knowing if I would have just payed more attnetion to her needs and this all could have been avoided.

She's scared, she's afraid things will go back to the way they were, she's afraid I'll revert. Plus the attraction to the OM is there as well. I don't blame her. I just got to make her see the real me. Nothing to fear, just love, understanding and forgiveness.

I talked to her again tonight. She has assured me that so far it's just a EA. I also found out she got a pre-paid phone to talk to him. She tried to hide it but I found out and she feels guilty. I know they talk all the time, that much is obvious.

She is concerned about my health and finacial situation, I guess that is a good sign. I reassured her of my love and forgiveness. I understand why she did what she did and I've told her that I want her to end all contact with him.

I asked her if she wanted this marriage to work and she said a part of her did. I asked what part of her didn't adn she said the scared, lost confused part. Hurt because of what I'd done in the past. Scared because I might do it again and confused because of the OM. I just let her know again that I forgive her, I understand and I love her. I asked her to see my faith and strength and use that. I also asked her to spend the night with me tommorow night and she she don't know, she don't feel ready, I didn't push it. I was just testing the waters.

I know she cares and I know that there is a part of her that wants this to work and that's what I have to work with. To make her see the real me and not the man I use to be. I pray every chance I get, and I have all the support I could ask for and many people are willing to help. All she has to do is give me that chance.

I'm hurting bad. I broke down a few times today and still haven't eaten. Not sure how long I can hold on. Getting harder everyday. I love her so much and miss her like crazy. I just hope this A ends soon and doesn't make it farther than it's gone, I hope she realizes her mistake and comes home. I hope for alot of things.

Quote: Mr. Wanderings,
"Lost,

Welcome to Marriage Builders. You are in the right place. I also am a BS and I sympathize with your plight. However, I implore you to "man up" to the situation in your life/marriage. Like the poster above said, I, too, could have ended things a lot quicker if I had not lollygagged around feeling sorry for myself. You need a plan and you need it now. If she really wanted to work on your marriage would she have moved out? More likely she is deceiving you so she can try out a relationship with OM under the auspices that you two are separated and her fogged out mind thinks that makes it OK. You are relying on your "trust" of wayward wife way to much. Has she not demonstrated to you that she is not to be trusted? Double negative aside. What are you capable of doing on the legal front. She has removed herself and your child for your marital home. This is your child too. If she wanted to leave what right did she have to take son also? Are you getting visitation? Was she a stay at home mom? Did you take care of son 50% of the time? Have you consulted an attorney? What state are you in?

If you are serious about saving your marriage start a new thread over on the Infidelity - General Question II board. There is a lot more activity over there and most of the long time posters hang out there. No offense to anyone above as I do not claim to be the expert myself. We are not a replacement for a professional counselor but if you can not afford one these guys and gals here may be the closest you'll get to really good marriage counseling. Though I like the fact you've seen the pastor and you should keep seeing him. You might not get very far until No Contact but it still worth it to demonstrate the changes you've made as you Plan A your wife.

By the way, here is a Dr. Harley article regarding No Contact.

Never see or communicate with a former lover

Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through ******. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.


http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html
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Hope this helps and I hope to see you over on general questions. You need a plan.

Mr. Wondering"


To answer some of you questions I live in Illinois, she works and we both took care of our son. He wants to come home, he's only 5 but he's confused. And no I haven't consulted an attorney. To me that feels like I want to end it, I don't want to upset her and push her into his arms. I want to comfort her and bring her back to me.

Also, how I go abou implementing Plan A? Just tell her she has to stop all contact with OM? I'm not sure how to go about this without pushing her away. She knows I love her and that I forgive her. I'm just trying to do what I can to bring her closer.

Lost, the way you bring her closer is to attract her back. It will be a waste of time to tell her to stop seeing the OM. Stop the sobbing, begging, and carrying on. NOW. Start doing the things that attracted her to you in the first place. Look for opportunities to meet her needs and romance her without chasing her or appearing too needy.

You MUST set your emotions aside. Do you hear me? Your emotions will be your undoing if you are not able to develop a plan here and stick to it. Your emotions are your enemy right now.

Every time you lovebust her or have emtional explosions, you just make the OM look better. And you don't want to do that.

Ok, that is the first part of your Plan A. The second part is exposure. You say you have exposed her affair to her parents and your pastor. What about the OM's wife? The OM's family and employer? Have you spoken to the OM's wife yet?

And can I ask why your W has taken your 5 year old out of his home? I would get the child and bring him home. He should not be removed from his home to accommodate her sleazy affair. He should not be exposed to the OM or her sleazy affair. You are his father and are the only sane person in this family right now so it is up to you to protect him. Get the boy.

Dear Lost in Love,
I am so sorry for your trouble. I too, am a b/s. Most of the emotions you are experincing are very common to b/s. Like Melody said, don't show your emotions. When you plead or cry to the wandering spouse, the only thing that will happen is that they will pity you and try to distance themselves from you and your drama.
Become familiar with Dr. Harley's basics, and read Dobson's book, "Love has to be tough".
When you expose, and the w/s asks how or why did you do this, respond to her with, "I am trying to save my marriage."
Don't appoligize for snooping, exposing or setting boundries. These are all necessary things one has to do when dealing with a wandering spouse. Again, when confronted with any of these things, respond with "I am trying to save my marriage."
I am new to all of this also. Keep on posting, you will find wonderful friends and support in the coming months.

Sincerely,
K.D.'s Brokenheart

76er

Do you forgive the assailant while he is still stabbing you? STOP throwing around the "forgiveness" line. You are in shock and have not even processed what is happening to you. She is still married to you and persuing a relationship with another man. Other than what she has told you you know nothing about her betrayal. What she has done may eventually be forgivable. Only time will tell.

STOP the constant ILY's (I love you's). I did the same thing the first few weeks. It appears needy and desparate. You do not have to withhold them when appropriate. If you normally said it at the end of a phone call then it is ok. It just does not need to be emphasized.

Melody is one of the experts I referred to last night. Melody, myself and many, many others will guide you through the "Plan" as you reveal your situation bit by bit.

Try to tell us more about the facts and circumstances and less about how you feel. We all know how you feel, we've all been there. We want to assist you with minimizing the duration of your hurt. This may or may not be possible; but, almost everyone here feels Dr. Harley's plan gives you the best chance for marital reconciliation.

Also, you should read Surviving an Affair by Harley. Order it off this website, buy (or just read it) at Border's, or your public library may have it.

Good Luck,

Mr. Wondering

The OM is not married and he lives in another state he just works at the ambulance service that is next door to my house. Talk about a kick in the stomach.

I talked to her this morning and asked who started it all. She said he started coming in the store where she works,(a cell phone company) and it they have been talking on the phone since then. To make matters worse, the night she moved out when I came home to find them packing he was there. Not in my house, but across the street.

I guees she took our son because she figures the mother is supposed to. She has the car, we only had just the one and it's in her name because we got it off her mother. I'm not sure what legal rights I have. I can't afford a lawyer. I can barely make the bills each month. Will be alot tougher with her gone as well.

And at first she was acting like she wanted to get help and talk top people and now I asked her this morning and her response was, "We'll see."

I did reconfirm her that I love her. That I do forgive her and that I will be there for her. But I need to her stop all contact and see me for the man I am. Not the man I was. It's hard to do that with someone else filling her head full of crap, the OM and her family. My family loves her and supports this, they are not mad, they just want to see it all work out as do I of course.

I'm not sure what my next step will be. I need to go to a doctor because my health is going fast. I don't eat, sleep or function wel at all. I don't drink or smoke or do drugs so that's a plus and neither does she. I need some legal advice as far as my son goes and some help for the depression. It's killing me.

lost, how do you know the OM is not married? Because he says so? Can you find out who his parents are?

What about notifying his boss that he is having an affair with a married woman? Can you send a letter to the HR department of his company? Is this a big company?

He works for a small ambulance service next door to my house. He is divorced, his ex-wife lives in Kentucky and he lives in Missiori, we live in Illinois.

The only contact I've had with him is the night she moved out. He tried to tell me to get a clue and smell the coffee. That was after I made him get off my propery, he's lucky I'm in control of my actions.

BTW, I just ordered a copy of "Suriving an Affair". After I'm done reading it I'm going to give it to my wife.

76er

Have you guys discussed how to handle the bills and such. Who is paying the mortgage? If not, include a discussion on shared custody. You need to get the boy home in his bed. As a wacked out Wayward Wife she may even be relieved if you take over caring for the child as long as you do not give any indication you intend to do this long term.

Are you in Chicago where you can rely on the "L" to get around? If not, is there any way for you to get a car to use. Maybe, the court would be hesitant to grant custody to you if you have no transportation. Call your County Bar Association, they may have a list of attorney's willing to help pro bono situations. Meaning free attorneys. Also, you are allowed to represent yourself. If you can find a way to manage and hour or two of a local attorney's time he/she can give you the forms and instructions on how to pursue a temporary custody order yourself. If your wife will not at least share custody you must seek recourse with the courts.

Go to the Doctor. Get help with your emotions. Anti-depressants and some sleeping pills. Then try to get a hold of yourself.

YOU WILL MAKE IT --- WITH OR WITHOUT YOUR WIFE YOU WILL MAKE IT.

Mr. Wondering

p.s.- FYI - I am in Detroit

I am in southern Illinois in a small town of 10,000 people. She has no deisre to keep me from my son. I've offered to keep him for a week and she keep him for a week and her family is afraid I will take him from her as is she I beleive. But I dont want him around the OM and this affair. It's already affected him enough. Look at what's its doing to me.

As for the bills she did help me with the water bill and asked about the other bills so she is concerned I think.

I'm looking for a car now. Not looking very good but I'm trying to find anything with wheels at the moment. My finaical situation is bad. So I'm doing what I can.

76er,

By the way, I am an attorney, just not a divorce attorney.

I do know that in probably every state your wife will not be able to move out of state with your child without your consent. In Michigan I believe it is a 100 mile radius.

Just had to say the OM was quite a jerk to you. What kind of man messes with a man's wife and behaves like that? Good job not reacting - he is not worth one word out of your mouth.

Mr. Wondering

lost, how do you know this is true? Do you know his exW? Can you get his phone # to his house in Missouri?

Did you see my comments about exposing the OM at his workplace? What about exposing to his family? Can you locate his parents?

Are you financially dependent on her?

Finacially co-dependant. I can make it on my own it just won't be easy. But I doubt she can make it on her own without assitance. She is living with her sister right now.

As for all the info I have on him it's from my wife. And he has a cell phone no home phone. I can try and get more info on him from my wife. I will work from there. As for his co-workers, they could really care less. They are his friend and see things from his point of veiw.

Don't tell your W that you don't believe the divorce story and are planning on exposing him, ok?

If this divorce information came from your W it is likely a lie told to her by the OM. Can you call information for his home town and ask for his name? If there is a #, then call and see if a woman answers. It is pretty common for traveling workers to have a spouse back home and to lie about it to their affair partner. Do as much investigation as you can. Try to find out his parents phone # too.

I am not suggesting you expose to his coworkers, but to his boss and the Human Resource dept.

76er,

Push for that one week sharing thing as soon as possible. Verbally assure her you will stick with it (she has no reason to mistrust you yet). Do not write out anything. Then once you have custody hopefully next week we can assist you with alternatives. You getting 100% custody would almost insure getting your marriage back. Not that your child is to be used as a pawn rather a magnet attracting your wayward wife back to her family.

Also, some state will give you a retraining order keeping OM away from your child and you.

Plan on looking for a lawyer on Monday.

Mr. Wondering